The Mommy Files : Are same-sex couples better parents?

My daughter's first best friend had two dads. My husband and I used to joke that the dads were better parents than us, and the thing is they were. We'd show up for a play date at the park, and my daughter would announce that she was hungry. I'd dig out a bag of old mushy raisins from the bottom of my purse (who knows how long they had been in there), while one of the dads would magically pull a spread of carefully chopped fruit (enough for everyone) from his satchel. Now I'm not saying that you can judge a parent by the quality of their snacks but this theme of thoughtful parenting carried through into everything these dads did. Read more:

[RICK OCONNOR]

good that it wasn't a picnic basket with a loaf of french bread and pate, and a nicely chilled rothschild 67 that would be a little too gay,, look at the trouble they had to do to get a child and all you did was have sex

[bradt]

So you support gays being parents of not?

[Verad]

I do not believe that the ease or difficulty in getting a child has any significant bearing on how good a parent one is. Even if it did, that would not automatically make all same-sex parents superior. There are superior and inferior parents in each and every possible subgroup and we all know it.

Oh and fyi, it isn't always as simple as having sex. That would be why IVF was developed in the first place.

[Charles]

Its pretty narrow minded to say you know one couple then say all homos are superior to all traditional families.

Just because you don't feel you measure up to them doesn't mean that no other straight families do.

BTW, I wouldn't give my kids some old raisins as a snack and I'm not gay.

[bradt]

There is no substitute for a traditional family unit, with the man as head of the household and family unit.
That's not to say that gays couldn't provide a loving and nurturing home, but it's just not going to be the same as a strong traditional hetero family.
That's my opinion and I've seen firsthand both
Let the criticism begin by those who don't like my opinion...

[McMike]

Um, I thought this was suppose to be kept "classified". If straight people find out we've been planning this since 1988 all hell is going to break loose. While straight parents tear their families apart bickering about who's taking out the trash or who's doing laundry, we decided over 20 years ago this would be the best way to take over the world. Hopefully they'll stay too wrapped up in their constant bickering to realize we've almost completed this portion of the gay agenda. We can easily see children are already accepting us and realizing it's the homophobes who are mental.

Now if we can just figure out how to bring disco back.

[McMike]

Charles wrote:

Its pretty narrow minded to say you know one couple then say all homos are superior to all traditional families.
Just because you don't feel you measure up to them doesn't mean that no other straight families do.
BTW, I wouldn't give my kids some old raisins as a snack and I'm not gay.

Yeah, Charles, I'm sure you and little Billy Bob were out with the stroller and you managed to actually feed him something healthy from your backpack. Oh wait, you mean you're probably the typical straight male who lets his wife worry about that and you can't actually remember the last time you were the one that went to grab lil'Billy something to eat out the backpack while you were with him at the park?

Words sound so nice when they come out of your mouth but it's such a shame there's a very likely possibility they don't add up to much more then basic crap.

[Kyra]

bradt wrote:

There is no substitute for a traditional family unit, with the man as head of the household and family unit.
That's not to say that gays couldn't provide a loving and nurturing home, but it's just not going to be the same as a strong traditional hetero family.
That's my opinion and I've seen firsthand both
Let the criticism begin by those who don't like my opinion...

Let the criticism begin by those who don't like your sexism. Why the man as the "head of the household?" Oh, lemme guess, you're selfish and enjoy capitalizing on the results of centuries of unfairness to women by men.

You make a good argument that same-sex couples ARE better childraisers, because they are much less likely to inflict repressive gender roles on their children (not to say that a het couple that includes a DECENT man could not, with effort, do as well, but it is easier to stay out of boxes when they're not built with your family in mind in the first place).

I'm bisexual, pretty much equally attracted to men and to women---but it is to women I look for dating and relationships and eventual marriage, because of this exact issue. I do not want to fall into oppositional, stereotypical gender roles; I want to work things out with my partner based on what works best for both of us; I do not want to be at an immediate disadvantage based on how we each were raised and socialized to deal with things like housework and childrearing; I want a much, much lower risk than mixed-gender relationships provide that my partner will see me as lesser, will see abusing me as OK, will see himself as outranking me; I DO NOT WANT A PARTNER WHO THINKS HE SHOULD BE THE HEAD OF THE HOUSEHOLD.

And I do not want my children raised by anyone who promotes such things. I do not want my children learning that Daddy makes the final call on big decisions, I do not want my sons learning to leave the laundry and the dishes to Mommy, just like Daddy does, I do not want my daughters getting the message that they are less capable at fixing machinery, that men drive if there are any present in the car, that the man always goes on the front of the motorcycle. I do not want a male "head of the household" and I do not want my children learning to expect one or to project that power imbalance onto any other couples. I don't want my daughters to be the victims of sexism; I don't want my sons to learn to become sexist. Nor do I want my daughters to get the backhanded privilege, the sugarcoating of sexism, that girls and women do get, or my sons to get the backhanded repression, the stilting of emotion and expression, the orders to be sufficiently masculine at all times. I can't prevent the world from doing its utmost to teach them that, but I can keep them from learning it in my home, and that is much easier with a partner the same gender as me.

Given the level to which society is still gender-imbalanced in its social roles, same-gender families are in the best position to subvert these social roles and present their children with the gift of freedom from them. Het couples can do this, but it's hard, and will often fail in subtle ways that neither partner knows how to consciously recognize, and thus their children will still pick it up. Same-sex couples, on the other hand, by definition cannot connect gender roles to gender in a partnership, and this will burden their children with less restriction, overt and subtle, to gendered stereotypes and sexist limitations and privileges (for both boys and girls).

Certainly it is good for a same-sex couple to provide their children with a role model/caretaker/relative of the other gender, but if this person is not one of the partnership, they do not threaten the ungendered relationship model.

You're absolutely right it "won't be the same," and thank God for that!