Coming Out- How I Became A Lesbian Mom

I always knew that I wanted to be a mother and when I was young I fantasized about having two children by the time I was 25 years old then working on a career once they were in school. Of course this charted me on course for having kids as soon as I was considered grown.

[Misti Wilde]

All I ever wanted was to be a mom too. I always visualized my life with my children (hoping for at least 2 and all girls) but never realy had a visual of their father and our relationship. I knew I was attracted to girls at age 11 and told my mom; I didn't know there was anything wrong with it until then. Her words sent me into the "closet" for the next 16 years. I married and had 2 daughters in that 16 years for which I am eternally grateful. My dream came true, and when my youngest was 2 I fell head over heels in love with a woman I worked with. My divorce was VERY brutal and UGLY but we all made it through. My ex-husband went on to re-marry and have twins with his new wife; He phased out of my own kid's lives soon after but they're grateful; He married a real life "wicked step-mother". My "wife" and I have been the primary caretakers (by far) of my daughters for 11 years now and my wife is the furthest thing from wicked to them. She had a new car we bought together, with a big red bow wrapped around it delivered to our door for my oldest daughter last year when she turned 16. Their father said he couldn't afford to help us buy it. My wife made all the arrangements from the bow to the delivery herself and was there with camcorder in hand when it arrived. The poor woman, butch as she is LOL, even sponsored my 13 year old's cheerleading squad along with me when every other parent refused (it's a tough job) and each squad requires 2 sponsors. She hated every minute of it but she is always willing to go above and beyond the call of duty for us.

[Misti Wilde]

UNSURE IF THIS WENT THROUGH THE FIRST TIME.All I ever wanted was to be a mom too. I always visualized my life with my children (hoping for at least 2 and all girls) but never realy had a visual of their father and our relationship. I knew I was attracted to girls at age 11 and told my mom; I didn't know there was anything wrong with it until then. Her words sent me into the "closet" for the next 16 years. I married and had 2 daughters in that 16 years for which I am eternally grateful. My dream came true, and when my youngest was 2 I fell head over heels in love with a woman I worked with. My divorce was VERY brutal and UGLY but we all made it through. My ex-husband went on to re-marry and have twins with his new wife; He phased out of my own kid's lives soon after but they're grateful; He married a real life "wicked step-mother". My "wife" and I have been the primary caretakers (by far) of my daughters for 11 years now and my wife is the furthest thing from wicked to them. She had a new car we bought together, with a big red bow wrapped around it delivered to our door for my oldest daughter last year when she turned 16. Their father said he couldn't afford to help us buy it. My wife made all the arrangements from the bow to the delivery herself and was there with camcorder in hand when it arrived. The poor woman, butch as she is LOL, even sponsored my 13 year old's cheerleading squad along with me when every other parent refused (it's a tough job) and each squad requires 2 sponsors. She hated every minute of it but she is always willing to go above and beyond the cal

[Misti Wilde]

Baby daddy drama phases out eventually.

[Quest]

You have a beautiful family.

Someday, I hope, young people will not feel compelled to go into a closet in the first place, and will be free to lead rewarding, honest, healthy lives tight from the start.

[Misti Wilde]

Quest wrote:

You have a beautiful family.
Someday, I hope, young people will not feel compelled to go into a closet in the first place, and will be free to lead rewarding, honest, healthy lives tight from the start.

I have to give my parents credit for doing everything PERFECTLY wrong and I'm not totally joking when I say that. I've raised my girls as opposite of how I was raised as possible, making honesty and trust between us the top priority. They're very good and decent people because I learned from the mistakes of my parents. Thank you for the compliment.

[Someone09]

I'm living in a mess right now. I'm 25, I have 3 kids and I'm married. My husband hates gay people and doesn't think they should be aloud to have kids. and I'm gay. I'm scared to leave because I'm afraid he will try to take my kids and they are my life. So I stay, miserable and unhappy but, I stay.

I had a g/f from 8th grade through my senior year and she wanted me to tell people after graduation that we were a couple and I just couldn't do it. I was so scared. Her dad was a preacher and my dad's best friend. So my g/f dumped me because she wanted something more. I went to a party and got drunk. I ended up pregnant and the rest is history.

I do care about him alot, I love him its just theres something inside that never has and never will feel right.:( I wish he could just understand he's a wonderful person just hasn't really been around any gay people and raised in a small town he kinda took on the same views as everyone else around here. I just don't know what to do.

[Misti Wilde]

Someone09 wrote:

I'm living in a mess right now. I'm 25, I have 3 kids and I'm married. My husband hates gay people and doesn't think they should be aloud to have kids. and I'm gay. I'm scared to leave because I'm afraid he will try to take my kids and they are my life. So I stay, miserable and unhappy but, I stay.
I had a g/f from 8th grade through my senior year and she wanted me to tell people after graduation that we were a couple and I just couldn't do it. I was so scared. Her dad was a preacher and my dad's best friend. So my g/f dumped me because she wanted something more. I went to a party and got drunk. I ended up pregnant and the rest is history.
I do care about him alot, I love him its just theres something inside that never has and never will feel right.:( I wish he could just understand he's a wonderful person just hasn't really been around any gay people and raised in a small town he kinda took on the same views as everyone else around here. I just don't know what to do.

Been there done that. Leave as soon as you can and DO NOT have a lover until the divorce is final, don't bring up your sexuality. Say you love him but simply fell out of love with him and want a divorce. That would be the best way. It's not how I did it but I'd hate anyone to go what I went through.

[Someone09]

Misti Wilde wrote:

<quoted text>Been there done that. Leave as soon as you can and DO NOT have a lover until the divorce is final, don't bring up your sexuality. Say you love him but simply fell out of love with him and want a divorce. That would be the best way. It's not how I did it but I'd hate anyone to go what I went through.

Thank you for advise. I'll take it :) Maybe not today but, as soon as I feel ready. They say homophobic people are secretly gay and man I wish that was always true. That'd make things so much easier if he were gay. Then we could separate but, yet raise are kids together. You have to work with what you got so I guess thats what I'll do. Thanks again.

[Misti Wilde]

Someone09 wrote:

<quoted text>
Thank you for advise. I'll take it :) Maybe not today but, as soon as I feel ready. They say homophobic people are secretly gay and man I wish that was always true. That'd make things so much easier if he were gay. Then we could separate but, yet raise are kids together. You have to work with what you got so I guess thats what I'll do. Thanks again.

Some people WILL never understand and it used to piss me off that they couldn't accept me for who I am...the wisdom of my 17 year old girl turned it around on me...she said maybe you need to accept them for who they are. I wanted to gripe her out and call her wrong but I couldn't. She was right. Damn kids these days. I'm working on folLowing her advice and letting go of this victim mentality I've had and didn't even realize.

My ex was very homophobic and tried to murder me in cold blood when I told him I was leaving him for a woman. I escaped him and while I was gone he drank antifreeze to commit suicide. Neither of us died. A psychiatrist told me his was a common reaction for men being rejected by their wife for another woman. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HUSBAND FOR THAT REASON...or at least don't tell him that's why you're leaving him until you're free of him.

My ex has become even more homophobic since the divorce but he's re-married and not a threat to me. According to my daughter I'm supposed to accept him (and others in my life) the way he is. I'll let you know how it goes. Who knows? MAYBE he'll return the favor.

[Someone09]

Misti Wilde wrote:

<quoted text> Some people WILL never understand and it used to piss me off that they couldn't accept me for who I am...the wisdom of my 17 year old girl turned it around on me...she said maybe you need to accept them for who they are. I wanted to gripe her out and call her wrong but I couldn't. She was right. Damn kids these days. I'm working on folLowing her advice and letting go of this victim mentality I've had and didn't even realize.
My ex was very homophobic and tried to murder me in cold blood when I told him I was leaving him for a woman. I escaped him and while I was gone he drank antifreeze to commit suicide. Neither of us died. A psychiatrist told me his was a common reaction for men being rejected by their wife for another woman. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HUSBAND FOR THAT REASON...or at least don't tell him that's why you're leaving him until you're free of him.
My ex has become even more homophobic since the divorce but he's re-married and not a threat to me. According to my daughter I'm supposed to accept him (and others in my life) the way he is. I'll let you know how it goes. Who knows? MAYBE he'll return the favor.

Sounds like your life is pretty good now. I hope he does return the favor. Until I decide to be free of this life I'm really lonely. I thought about just killing myself then he could remarry but, I couldn't do it I get that sad sometimes that I think maybe they'd just be better off without me. I tried so hard to change for so many years because I wasn't raised to believe you couldn't help it. I now know better just a little to late.

[Someone09]

I have alot of good friends online but, none in real life. I have friends but, none of them would be ok with it. My heart hurts so bad today. He's hurt me before so I'm afraid of what he might do. He broke my wrist 4 months ago because I tried to take his keys. I don't know how to safely leave

[Misti Wilde]

Someone09 wrote:

<quoted text>
Sounds like your life is pretty good now. I hope he does return the favor. Until I decide to be free of this life I'm really lonely. I thought about just killing myself then he could remarry but, I couldn't do it I get that sad sometimes that I think maybe they'd just be better off without me. I tried so hard to change for so many years because I wasn't raised to believe you couldn't help it. I now know better just a little to late.

My life is wonderful now. I too was suicidal before I met my wife and I couldn't go through with it either. I wanted to cut my wrist and bleed to death but I cut myself everywhere else instead. I thought I would have permanent scars but they're all totally gone. I later learned that cutters cut themselves because they are in pain inside and it's being ignored so they show it on the outside hoping someone will pay attention. I also learned that if your suicidal ideation is a bloody or violent death by suicide, you don't really want to die. It's a physical expression of emotional pain, gone to long with no relief in sight and one's final chance to have thier pain acknowleged. Suicide plan? Spill it.

[Misti Wilde]

Someone09 wrote:

I have alot of good friends online but, none in real life. I have friends but, none of them would be ok with it. My heart hurts so bad today. He's hurt me before so I'm afraid of what he might do. He broke my wrist 4 months ago because I tried to take his keys. I don't know how to safely leave

If they wouldn't be okay with you being YOURSELF they're not your friends. I don't care if you decided to shave your head and wear overalls and red flip flops with flowers on them everywhere you went for the rest of your life because the thought of that appealed to you so much you could no longer resist; A real friend could take it and not even be embarrased to take you to a relatives uptown wedding looking like that. Okay?

Now, I had battered wives syndrome as well. That's the fear you're feeling inside...I hate to tell you this but the only thing strong enough to conquer that fear for me was love. Love came into my life and kicked ass and took names via ME. Love made me TOUGH! I've told you the most common reaction of men in these cases according to a psychiatrist so be prepared, but go ahead and open your heart to love and follow it. Go out. Be seen. Get started. Love's not going to come in and save you. You have to go out and find it, then use the strength it gives you to save yourself. Make sure you dial 911 every chance you get from now on too, and press charges so you can keep your kids. You're not desperate and looking for a saviour, you've been living this way for a while anyway so don't settle for less than love. The only way to know that it's love is if it makes you feel invincible and overpowers your fear, among other more obvious things. AND be up front if and when you find the love you're longing for inside; Don't lie or withhold truth from this person. If they love you back they'll love and support you through this. They are not to fight your fight though, just support and love. Okay?

[Someone09]

Misti Wilde wrote:

<quoted text> If they wouldn't be okay with you being YOURSELF they're not your friends. I don't care if you decided to shave your head and wear overalls and red flip flops with flowers on them everywhere you went for the rest of your life because the thought of that appealed to you so much you could no longer resist; A real friend could take it and not even be embarrased to take you to a relatives uptown wedding looking like that. Okay?
Now, I had battered wives syndrome as well. That's the fear you're feeling inside...I hate to tell you this but the only thing strong enough to conquer that fear for me was love. Love came into my life and kicked ass and took names via ME. Love made me TOUGH! I've told you the most common reaction of men in these cases according to a psychiatrist so be prepared, but go ahead and open your heart to love and follow it. Go out. Be seen. Get started. Love's not going to come in and save you. You have to go out and find it, then use the strength it gives you to save yourself. Make sure you dial 911 every chance you get from now on too, and press charges so you can keep your kids. You're not desperate and looking for a saviour, you've been living this way for a while anyway so don't settle for less than love. The only way to know that it's love is if it makes you feel invincible and overpowers your fear, among other more obvious things. AND be up front if and when you find the love you're longing for inside; Don't lie or withhold truth from this person. If they love you back they'll love and support you through this. They are not to fight your fight though, just support and love. Okay?

I can't thank you enough for all you advise. I had none before I came here and I was so scared and clueless.

I have another question how do you know if another person is gay? I'm afraid to find someone because I don't know how to tell if they are the same way. My ex I didn't have to ask her lol she just grabbed and me and kissed me one day(we had been friends for a long time) and it worked. Shes brave that though I'm not.

[Someone09]

Before coming here to this forum, i didn't know anybody that had gone through this. I have gay friends online (mostly guys) but, none of them had gone through this. And to find someone who has and can tell me what they went through really helps. I'm so scared but, knowing other people have been through it made it really helps. Thank you for takin the time to post.

[Someone09]

Don't get me wrong the other people I talk to topix and e-mail have tried so hard to give advise and to help but, when you've never gone through it, its really hard to understand. Most people are like why don't you just leave. and its not that easy as you know. so again thanks.

[Misti Wilde]

Someone09 wrote:

<quoted text>
I can't thank you enough for all you advise. I had none before I came here and I was so scared and clueless.
I have another question how do you know if another person is gay? I'm afraid to find someone because I don't know how to tell if they are the same way. My ex I didn't have to ask her lol she just grabbed and me and kissed me one day(we had been friends for a long time) and it worked. Shes brave that though I'm not.

You're welcome. I'm not religious but have always believed that everything happens for a reason. It may seem impossible to explain why something bad happened to you for years; Then something like this happens and you realize it happened to you so you could share it with others that experience it and guide their experience with your own. Even parents who have lost children due to an untimely death, which is the worse experience I can imagine, are out there helping other parents thrrough it and also taking measures to prevent it from happening to others in the future if the child died do to a preventable accident. God is always working, to me God has nothing to do with religion, but that's just my opinion based on my experience. I try not to ever give advice on things I haven't experienced.

As for your question. Open your heart to love. Consider yourself to be "on the market" and "available". You don't have to tell anyone that yet, just know you are in your heart. Don't look for signs of homosexuality or heterosexuality... or white or black... or Chinese or Indian; Don't let your mind hinder your heart with limitations. Just open it and let it do its work. Hearts can't see the outside appearance of the heart they fall in love with; They just know they want and need to be with that heart and communicate that to you through feeling.

As for you saying you love your husband and whatnot...Women in love are strong, confident, and happy. You're weak, self depreciating, and suicidal. YOU'RE NOT IN LOVE! What you're feeling for him is comparable to a young girl whose father molests her but also buys her great birthday gifts. She convinces herself she loves him and he loves her when she gets those gifts. She does this because she knows she needs to escape somehow but is too afraid to. She convinces herself she loves her abuser to justify not telling or escaping because she doesn't know what will happen to her if she does. She knows what's happening to her now though, and even though it's awful, it's familiar. We naturally fear unfamiliarity, change, and the unknown.

You're justifying his actions because he gave you the gift of children. That's enough for you to continue to live this way and convince yourself you love him. Be true to yourself about this. Don't let your fear convince you of lies. You're doing just fine. you asked for this information and received it. That's a fearless first step girl.

[Someone09]

Misti Wilde wrote:

<quoted text>You're welcome. I'm not religious but have always believed that everything happens for a reason. It may seem impossible to explain why something bad happened to you for years; Then something like this happens and you realize it happened to you so you could share it with others that experience it and guide their experience with your own. Even parents who have lost children due to an untimely death, which is the worse experience I can imagine, are out there helping other parents thrrough it and also taking measures to prevent it from happening to others in the future if the child died do to a preventable accident. God is always working, to me God has nothing to do with religion, but that's just my opinion based on my experience. I try not to ever give advice on things I haven't experienced.
As for your question. Open your heart to love. Consider yourself to be "on the market" and "available". You don't have to tell anyone that yet, just know you are in your heart. Don't look for signs of homosexuality or heterosexuality... or white or black... or Chinese or Indian; Don't let your mind hinder your heart with limitations. Just open it and let it do its work. Hearts can't see the outside appearance of the heart they fall in love with; They just know they want and need to be with that heart and communicate that to you through feeling.
As for you saying you love your husband and whatnot...Women in love are strong, confident, and happy. You're weak, self depreciating, and suicidal. YOU'RE NOT IN LOVE! What you're feeling for him is comparable to a young girl whose father molests her but also buys her great birthday gifts. She convinces herself she loves him and he loves her when she gets those gifts. She does this because she knows she needs to escape somehow but is too afraid to. She convinces herself she loves her abuser to justify not telling or escaping because she doesn't know what will happen to her if she does. She knows what's happening to her now though, and even though it's awful, it's familiar. We naturally fear unfamiliarity, change, and the unknown.
You're justifying his actions because he gave you the gift of children. That's enough for you to continue to live this way and convince yourself you love him. Be true to yourself about this. Don't let your fear convince you of lies. You're doing just fine. you asked for this information and received it. That's a fearless first step girl.

I am in a good mood for the first time in well since I had my g/f. This girl at college today she was flirting with me I didn't even have to ask you could just tell and oh man did I flirt back. It felt wrong but, then again it felt so right. I miss women... everything about them the softness of there skin, and lips ohh I miss my G/f but, after she left me she got married a man and she says she loves me and always will but, she's happy. Also I passed my Psychology test which I was totally stressing about and I aced it!
I will complete the semester with a 3.8 CPA

[Someone09]

Sorry about the double post

[Misti Wilde]

Someone09 wrote:

<quoted text>
I am in a good mood for the first time in well since I had my g/f. This girl at college today she was flirting with me I didn't even have to ask you could just tell and oh man did I flirt back. It felt wrong but, then again it felt so right. I miss women... everything about them the softness of there skin, and lips ohh I miss my G/f but, after she left me she got married a man and she says she loves me and always will but, she's happy. Also I passed my Psychology test which I was totally stressing about and I aced it!
I will complete the semester with a 3.8 CPA

Congratulations! I on the other hand had serious marital problems this week. We almost split up less than 20 days before our 11th anniversary. We're still working things out but actually splitting up feels so wrong to both of us. Things aren't perfect right now but I know I'm still in love because I act and feel in love. I'm also not scared out of my wits that I'll be physically harmed if we do split up. It's so different than it was with him. It's an equal adult marital situation, not a victim/ villain marital situation like it was with him. I tell you this so you don't think life is ever going to be erfect no matter who you're with. There will always be obstacles, distrubances, and differences. But you're totally in the wrong environment if when these things occur you fear for your life. I'm glad to hear you sounding so happy. Maybe you're falling in love with yourself.