Christine's Answers From The Big Book of Queer Girl Rules

Todays letter comes from a married 50 year old mother of three who finds she is attracted to other women and is in a dilemma about what to do....

[Rick in Kansas]

Excellent advice and the title for the column works so much better than it did...

[Christine]

Thanks so much! Was happy to make some positive changes!

[Paulathesurfmom]

Rick in Kansas wrote:

Excellent advice and the title for the column works so much better than it did...

Thanks so very much for the suggestions on this feature Rick they are working our great!

Now I need a very serious lesbian new reporter and editor for Lesbiatopia.... do you happen to know anyone that would be interested?

If you do e mail me at [e-mail]

and thanks again Rick for all your help.

[LindaS]

Why is there the assumption in both the letter and the response that she must leave her marriage? It sounds like this man has known she was not straight and accepted it for some time now. Marriage is like a contract, and as time passes, sometimes the terms need to be renegociated. I have been there, I know it can be done, but it's not easy.

[Cpetr13]

I agree; marriage is malleable and if both partners consent to it, then outside activities can be negotiated. Until this woman finds someone she truly wants to commit to, she should not jettison her marriage automatically.

The real issue here is the 13yo; they may not understand why mom has left them or broken up with their father. Since the arrangement is at least amicable at this point, I would keep the marriage intact for a few more years, until custody is no longer an issue.

LindaS wrote:

Why is there the assumption in both the letter and the response that she must leave her marriage? It sounds like this man has known she was not straight and accepted it for some time now. Marriage is like a contract, and as time passes, sometimes the terms need to be renegociated. I have been there, I know it can be done, but it's not easy.

[Craig in OKC]

Cpetr13 wrote:

I agree; marriage is malleable and if both partners consent to it, then outside activities can be negotiated. Until this woman finds someone she truly wants to commit to, she should not jettison her marriage automatically.
The real issue here is the 13yo; they may not understand why mom has left them or broken up with their father. Since the arrangement is at least amicable at this point, I would keep the marriage intact for a few more years, until custody is no longer an issue.
<quoted text>

I don't agree. When I came out to my wife, we tried to stay together because it would be better for the kids. She and I had been great friends since 9th grade, and we wanted to continue with the friendship. Well, as time passed, she became suspicious whenever I was apart from her, angry that we no longer had the marriage she believed we had, and bitter over the fact that things were changing. Now, 16 years later, we don't even speak because of all that anger. It probably could have been minimized if we had separated earlier so we could BOTH find our paths in life.
I do agree that marriages and partnerships are ever-changing, but when you remove the basic reasons for being in a relationship, it's headed for disaster. It would be very unfair for her to stay with her husband.