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St. Marys, GA

Calling Soap....we need you!!!

*All quotes from Jay can easily be found on Topix. Hey there, kids. As per your request (and even though it upsets our stomachs) we're dragging out Jay's Mail Bag. The atmosphere in the office is kind of gloomy these days. It's hard to go from thinking you've found the next big reality star to realizing that you just tripped over a piece of trash on life's roadway but there you have it. We still love our Jay, but in the way you still love the dog that poops on your floor twice a day. Anyway...here we go! Anonymous Teacher from Nowhere writes "I can't help but notice Jay's frequent typos and spelling mistakes. His vocabulary also seemed severely limited. Might I ask at what age he first learned to read?" Jay replies: "My first conquest was not before I had reached majority, so stick it up your anonymous, nothing-to-say, cowardly, hateful, ass. ESAD!" Disgusted from Boise sent this: "I'm sorry, but it seems to me like Jay couldn't find his posterior with both hands. Does he have any hobbies other than being sickening on Topix?" Jay, while grappling with his posterior, muttered "A-hole wrangling." (We leave that to the viewer's imagination). Dennis from Des Moines writes, "Why does Jay seem to think that anyone would believe his bizarre fiction-presented- as-reality? It's just weird and creepy?" From Jay: "Amazing how quickly I can make up such a detailed story don't you think?" (We happen to know that he takes regular breaks from groping his posterior). Nurse Linda from Belleview says "We recently treated an elderly woman who complained of pain in her left ankle. We tried to ignore her but the x-rays revealed a fracture. Jays says that he's well-trained in emergency medical techniques. What would he have done?" Jay: "Did you rip her blouse and bra off or were you clueless?" Nurse Linda replies "Um, Jay...it was her ankle! Why would we rip her blouse and bra off?" Jay's response, "Oh, grow up. Sexually repressed, hard-shell Baptist, right" Daniel from Detroit sent this: "Jay seems to be a bit confused. He fills the pages of Topix with his fictitious sexual escapades and then accuses a young woman who dared to disagree about a local restaurant of having loose morals. What's up with this?" Jay: "Okay, actual liar, produce the post where I used the word "slut" to describe Skanko Spreado." That's it, fans, we can't take any more right now. The staff has suggested that should Jay have difficulty locating his posterior, he should just try following his thought processes to their source. Have fun, all you Jayettes and Jaysters, and remember: no matter how bad life gets, it could be worse...you could be Jay.  (Jul 21, 2013 | post #25)

St. Marys, GA

Calling Soap....we need you!!!

Yeehaw, boys and girls, it's time for Jay's Mail Bag! Let's see what questions and comments our loyal viewers have come up with and what our always amusing, always deranged star has to say. It has been brought to our attention that some of Jay's fans are quite young (what are their parents thinking?) so we've decided to use asterisks in the places where he's written his obscenities in full. It's a pain in the a** but we aim to please everyone. Boom-Boom from Stereo writes "I was sitting at an intersection, quietly listening to my favorite aria from Madame Butterfly, and some guy yelled "Shut that thing off! Do you have a death wish? Jay's on the move!" What the heck? Does Jay have a problem with music in cars?" Jay, "discussing " a new town-ordinance against excessive noise, thunders "On the third offense, the offender's picture should be placed into the (local paper) with permission for the general public to shoot the son-of-a-b***h for any further offenses." Belinda from Savannah emails "Look, we're all really, really sorry that your town is Jay-afflicted but it took us years to get rid of him and there ain't no way we're taking him back so stop asking!" From Jay "...you evil, lying, S.O.B.- you've never been there." (We have no idea what he's talking about but that's half the magic of our star). Nauseous from Nantucket says "I went to one of the restaurants that Jay recommended and afterward my left leg fell off, my hair fell out, I became impotent and I've been vomiting for three months. The specialists think that I may have been exposed to lingering Jay-spores. I'd like to get a sample from your star for the doctors to test but, quite frankly, he scares me." Jay's reply: "Hey, coward, if you want eff with me, go for it, but leave hard working people delivering damn good cuisine alone, you chicken s**t A-hole." Little Suzie from Undisclosed writes "Jay makes me have bad dreams. Please make him stop." Jay growls "...you are obviously a lying A-hole afflicted with Jay Derangement Syndrome." Anonymous from Unknown send this "I just had to share this priceless bit of Jayana. I almost fell on the cat I was laughing so hard. So he travels with his "vast" self down the middle of the road as he tries to blend in with the locals for fun. It just doesn't get any better than this: "About me: I'm a 65 year old, life-long bachelor. Ergo, my experience with eating out is vast -as is my waist. That's largely because I've been in a wheelchair since contracting severe Guillain-Barre syndrome 9 years ago. I've always been a "foodie. " I'm a fairly good cook myself. Born and reared in Savannah, GA. I KNOW good, authentic, Southern cuisine when I find it. I often write reviews of restaurants and post them to local bulletin boards. My travel style: Middle of the road When traveling, I: Try to blend in with the locals I usually travel for: Fun A great vacation includes: Great food/Wine I travel with: Myself http://www.tripadv isor.com/members/G ordoSt_Marys" That's it for now, all you Jay-ites. Our hero doesn't write often any more for some reason (only six or seven times per day) and quite honestly even the staff at "As Jay's Mind Turns" doesn't have the stomach to read it all, but we do our best. Keep tuning in...because without your on-going disgust he really has no reason to live (as far as we can tell).  (Jul 6, 2013 | post #19)

St. Marys, GA

"As Jay's Mind Turns"

Our latest episode is dedicated to "Samantha. "  (Jun 25, 2013 | post #167)

St. Marys, GA

Calling Soap....we need you!!!

Never fear, dear. We just updated the thread :)  (Jun 25, 2013 | post #2)

St. Marys, GA

"As Jay's Mind Turns"

What a day it has been at Jay Central! Mail is flooding in faster than we can respond to it. It seems that our beloved star is spiraling through his own altered universe of conspiracies, madness, gluttony and (let's face it) ignorance. And what a ride it is, folks! We don't have the staff to deal with it all. Most of the newbies we hired last week walked out saying "There's not enough money in the universe to pay me to read this ****!" and so we who adore Jay struggle on alone. Let's look at a few messages: Willa from Cather writes "I know that Jay has a little dog and sometimes I'm scared for the poor creature. Does it worry him at all that animal-lovers think he's an unfit owner?" Jay replies: "Doesn't bother me a bit, old dog breath, because I have all the right enemies and they are all a-holes whose opinions I value less than steaming dog crap." Jeb from Bushville says "Reality TV is one thing but Jay is over-the-top insane. He makes my children cry so we had to unplug the set." From Jay: "You, Sirruh, are a lying shit" Pastor Dan from "God's Church" says "It's not too late to seek salvation, Julian. Our doors are open to you, my son." Jay's response: "So that's where all you tofu breathed, sallow, Kearn's-ass-kissin g, Commie Libs hang out now. Thanks for the warning." Sally from Salamatia writes "I'm so sorry to hear of Jay's struggles with obesity and diabetes. I am likewise afflicted and I am presently waging war against a vicious disease. God be with you, Jay." Jay's answer: "Hopefully, it's terminal, a-hole." Sally's husband objected to Jay's reply and wrote "I know that you suffer from a range of psychological disorders but, in the spirit of forgiveness, I hold out my hand to you." Jay shot back "How about if I put it down your throat, rip out your esophagus, and slap you (sic) dying ass silly with it?" Anonymous from Brothel said "Apparently Jay had some problems with our service. I hope he comes again for another try." Jay says "Now, at this point I was pissed. I informed the bitch that she obviously did not know what she would doing and asked her to please send someone over who did. She refused, telling me I would have to deal with her. At that pont (sic), thinking there had to be some logical explanation for this bitch’s incompetence, I asked her how long she had worked there. Astonishingly, she replied,“ Five years.” (Apparently "another try" also proved unsatisfactory because as Jay reports "He asked him damned near everything except "Boxers or briefs?" and "Piss on businesses with poor management and a "we-don't-giv e-a-shit " customer service ethos" What a day for our star! Have you ever encountered anyone quite like him? This is why dozens of people tune in to "As Jay's Mind Turns": it just doesn't get any more deranged than this, kids! *As always, all of the above Jay-statements can be verified by those who have the stomach to wade through Topix-threads.  (Jun 20, 2013 | post #162)

St. Marys, GA

"As Jay's Mind Turns"

Thank you for your support, loyal fans, but credit where credit is due: if our star didn't provide us with his pithy nuggets of scintillating wisdom on a regular basis, we'd have nothing to work with. I'm happy to report that, despite the mockery and revulsion of the citizens, he shows no signs of tempering his words or taking small steps towards sanity. If anything, the loathing of others is like a drug to our Jay: revving him up and producing some of the most obscene diatribes ever to poison cyberspace. So keep the cards and letters coming! Believe me, we've urged him to pen his memoirs. It would be a magnum opus of epic proportions, divided into three sweeping chapters: Birth, The Failure Years and The End. With his bloated ego it would be sure to be highly entertaining - and useful to psychiatric institutes around the world. (Of course it would also cause considerable consternation for librarians. "Do we file this under Fiction or Non-Fiction?? "). Until next time, all you Jayettes and Jaysters, keep tuning in. As long as the Topix editors don't wake up and bounce our beloved boy off the site, we'll keep on watching..."A s Jay's Mind Turns."  (Jun 19, 2013 | post #153)