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Denver, CO

It Is 10:00! Do you know where your socks are?

Breaking News! While she was ‘flying’ down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, ‘What’s your hurry?’ To which she replied, ‘I’m late for work.’ ‘Oh yeah,’ said the cop, ‘what do you do?’ ‘I’m a rectum stretcher,’ she responded. The cop stammered, ‘A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?’ ‘Well,’ she said, ‘I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it’s about 6 feet wide.’ ‘And just what the heck do you do with a 6 foot a'hole? ‘ he asked. ‘You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge…’ Back to you Bubbles the Weather Bimbo!  (Dec 3, 2012 | post #320)

Denver, CO

It Is 10:00! Do you know where your socks are?

Breaking News! There is an angry transvestite terrorizing the Topix Main community in a moderators apartment, claiming that the justice system, has been for hundreds of years, working in reverse! This transvestite is not really armed or even dangerous, unless you are allergic certain molds or have sensitive hearing. No one is sure what sparked the attack on the American judicial system except for the obvious need for attention and a denial of being completely wrong and uneducated. Demands are being made that everyone shut the heck up and allow the angry maniac to continue its rampage and hopefully any hostages will be released relatively unharmed when it runs out of the hot air that drives it's energy source. Back to you Bubbles the Weather Bimbo!  (Nov 24, 2012 | post #313)

Denver, CO

It Is 10:00! Do you know where your socks are?

This just in! Sniper is everyone and KrazyKarl is really mad about it! Film at 11!  (Oct 11, 2012 | post #296)

Denver, CO

It Is 10:00! Do you know where your socks are?

Good morning Topix, I am Lelu Tia.... oh you know! In a shocking turn of events, reports are coming in that the Munster who preys on hapless females and challenges his mentor to duels and does not show, like a coward, is actually Psycho Stalker, Oliver Greezpig! Though this cannot be verified, it is looking like there are many out there who believe that this Topix nemesis is a danger to anyone who crosses her. Now we know why she was digused so long as a female lawn gnome, and burrowing through the yards of her enemies like a hedgehoge! <--- pun, get it? *laugh, cough cough* sorry... Officials warn that all Topix residents should check their yards for any suspicious out door decor, and nail their windows shut. Be on the look out for either a one legged dog with iron testicles or an angry woman with greasy hair and hog jowls. Witnesses say her eyes glow amber when she is pissed, so be ready to evade being eaten by this dangerous beast. Join us later as we discuss lonliness and how you should leave your house once in a while to avoid becoming a female lawn gnome impersonater.  (Jul 17, 2012 | post #291)

Denver, CO

It Is 10:00! Do you know where your socks are?

Good evening news enthusiasts! I am Lelu Tia Carlatta Jones back from being kidnapped by rival news anchor Dirk the big mean doody headed job coveter from HELL! Ahem... *clears throat* In todays news there has been an astonishing reveal that has rocked the residents of Topix Internet Troll. It appears that a long time favorite Sexy Rexy, is actually Dud in the Mud, a long hated lying bag of donkey dung and womanizer. It appears he was angry that a dying mans last wish was to make some friends in the world of Topix and had gotten laid by 70 virgins! No the man was no terrorist, he was just that damn good. This gave Dud In The Mud, also known as Munster, an idea to find himself a woman on the internet and terrorize all of his previous friends into hating one another as his secret lover pulled a few strings of her own on the scene. He admitted outright that the woman he craved was not really a woman at all, but a giant hairy blob monster known as Mama Trashmouth. Apperantly Mama was screaming for the blood of the Good Witch Girlinda, and would stop at nothing to posess her Sexy Rexy, even though Sexy Rexy had announced to the Topix world that he was dying of serious rectal infection caused by shoving live rodents up... Hold it RIGHT there! I am not going to say that! *clears throat and shoots filthy look at news director* I think you all get the point... Meanwhile Sexy Rexy, also known as Munster has decided to place the blame of his disgusting deception on the man he really wanted to be when he grew up, Livedfonos, otherwise known as Cack Blocker. Apperantly Munster got no punany from anyone but Mama Trashmouth, and he found that frankly, quite disgusting and humdrum. So after throwing down the gauntlet and challenging Livedfonos to a duel in the streets of BY GOD, and then not showing up like a coward, he admitted he was lying all this time and just wanted to be loved by Forreally One, who has once again been abducted by aliens and released back into the Topix population even more boring and redundant than ever before. Join us later as we discuss ways to improve your Topix experience by logging the hell out once in a while.  (Jul 16, 2012 | post #289)

Denver, CO

It Is 10:00! Do you know where your socks are?

Good afternoon Denver. Today another disgruntled reporter attempted to silence me in order to steal my prestigious standing in the media. The authorities have once again been notified and hopefully there will be an arrest before the end of the day. And again, I could not be reached for comment. In other news: It has been scientifically proven that Denver Topix residents are the most interesting people on earth. Researchers are scrambling to find the cause of the anomaly and further reports will be available on this matter as progress is made. Join us later as we discuss the dry rate of various household paints, and which ones are worth watching.  (Jun 10, 2012 | post #257)

Denver, CO

It Is 10:00! Do you know where your socks are?

News Flash! Remember when your uncles brother in-laws sisters neighbors room mate has tragedy in their lives, you should run right out and beg Topix residents for attention and condolences. This will make you more popular than ever before. Join us later as we discuss the re surfacing of a Denver resident and the story of how he had been in the basement of a local cat as her hostage.  (Apr 24, 2012 | post #248)

Denver, CO

It Is 10:00! Do you know where your socks are?

Good afternoon news fans, I am Lelu Tia Carl....oh you know! It has often been said, if you want to make a souffle, call a Clown! Yes all them broken eggs can be tedious work, and who has the time? Wait, my editor is trying to tell me something. What is that? Clowns don't make souffles? Ok, fine whatever... (Clears Throat) Well now it can be said if you want to catch someone in a lie, you can depend on, say it with me people!! A CLOWN! They are fun loving, and exist only to make you smile. Who can hold a frown in the presence of these jovial creatures? Well obviously one man sure can. GottaRasssh from somewhere in Kentucky will gladly tell you that clowns are the bane of his existence these days, because one particular clown has got his number. Drunkity The Clown must not be as drunkity as we are lead to believe, as he can see right through the false friendliness of GottaRasssh, whom we believe got his rash from a popular condiment known as LemonPepper. Not really part of the news story, but you know we have got to keep it interesting! Apparently GottaRasssh believes that many woman in the Topix community make up sad and tragic stories to garner themselves attention from other residents, while he plays alone with a sockpuppet he likes to call FoDrizzle. When asked why he has conjured himself an imaginary lover made of 50 percent nylon, he sidestepped the question and cried that the clown was distracting him with questions, in search of truth. Let this be a lesson to any who wish to pull the wool over the eyes of Topix residents, there is a Clown watching, and he knows the truth. Join us later as we discuss anonymity and how people hide behind it to be complete and utter butt monkey's.  (Apr 20, 2012 | post #246)

Denver, CO

It Is 10:00! Do you know where your socks are?

Good evening news enthusiasts, I am Lelu Tia Carlatta Jones with a special announcement. There is an imaginary woman running around on the IT sexually harassing old men. As it turns out though, one man does not seem to mind a bit! "It is true love" he claimed until someone walked in on him... well there is film! http://www.youtube .com/watch?v=LMxTF qPET5I Topix residents say they are not surprised and have been sure something like this was going to happen sooner or later. Reports indicate that later would have been so much better. Join us later as we discuss ladies with gigantic man hands, and what to do if one traps you in the mini mart bathroom.  (Apr 19, 2012 | post #244)

Denver, CO

It Is 10:00! Do you know where your socks are?

Good morning news fans. There appears to be a sister station in the works for Orlando Florida. We are very pleased that our news network is a hit and will be branching out. Join us later our special guest will be Mean Colonel Mayonnaise discussing how his turrets syndrome is ruining his life.  (Feb 15, 2012 | post #168)

Denver, CO

It Is 10:00! Do you know where your socks are?

Good morning Denver! Todays top news: Several Topix residents have pulled up stakes and are moving away to avoid having to deal with the foul hairy blob monster Mama Trashmouth and her partner in crime the despicable and disgusting Kernel Jackazz. Some also state Irreconcilable differences with The Oliver Greezpig. Among them the beautiful Good Witch Girlinda, Sexy Rexy, The beautiful Dragon Lady, Satan's Evil But Not Really Kid, Drunkity The Clown, Really Jay, and many others. To those who are moving away, we can bid a fond farewell. In other news, it appears there is an angry politically deranged self made woman hater running loose in the Denver area. Animal control has been trying unsuccessfully to round him up and take him back to the zoo he escaped from. Be on the look out for Krazy Karl, do not approach him! He is armed and dangerous, particularly to females. Join us later as we discuss denial and how it effects everyone around you.  (Feb 1, 2012 | post #131)

Denver, CO

It Is 10:00! Do you know where your socks are?

Good Morning Denver, our top news story today is about angry Cat Hair Stylists and how one single handedly destroyed the beautiful penthouse suite owned by The Good Witch Girlinda. It appears that Doom Kitten spat out a very uncharacteristic sting of profanity, and toppled the always tranquil and never before infested home of the Good Witch Girlinda. Girlinda's self proclaimed "Kindred Spirit", Kernel Jackazz is livid and on the war path! When asked why he was so angry he broke down in tears (again) and cried "I just can't get cyber laid!" Reporters spoke to near by witnesses who all seem to agree the Jackazz is on meltdown mode. Meanwhile officials are on the look out for Doom Kitten as she has much to answer for. It is uncertain if formal charges will be filed. Join us later as we discuss delusional cross dressers and how to avoid having to deal with them.  (Jan 31, 2012 | post #115)

Denver, CO

It Is 10:00! Do you know where your socks are?

This just in! If you lie about it enough, that makes it true! Back to you Bubbles the Weather Bimbo!  (Jan 30, 2012 | post #113)

Denver, CO

It Is 10:00! Do you know where your socks are?

Good evening Denver! This is Lelu Tia Carlatta Jones with a special news update. I am now retracting the previous stories, about the missing Topix residents. The information given appeared to be reputable, however the source was not. Update: Rumors in IT fly as Mama Trashmouth and Kernel Jackazz declare war on the sweet and always very congenial Good Witch Girlinda, and Rexy Darksnake, her sexy male friend.It appears that the Kernel Jackazz has a strange stalker type obsession with the sexy Rexy Darksnake, and is feeling sad about the cruel rejection. Kernel Jackazz was spotted in Louisville, KY bending some poor woman he did not even know, over an electric fence, even though he claims to have the highest regard for women. Very disturbing news! When asked how he could be such a hypocrite, he broke down in tears and called our field reporter a pixie, and blamed Denver once again for his poor behavior. In order to escape the droves of news reporters he disguised himself as a woman named Denver Susan, but still maintains that is is, in fact, Denver that has an unhealthy obsession with him. Experts in the field of psychology confirm that the man is truly insane. Join us later as we discuss loose trashy women and the men who love them.  (Jan 30, 2012 | post #112)

Denver, CO

It Is 10:00! Do you know where your socks are?

Update: It has been confirmed that the Good Witch Girlinda did not abduct an estimated 20 Topix residents. Our trusted source was actually Psycho Stalker Oliver Greezpig trying to distract officials as he, (wait no, SHE? Oh my, the world we live in, ahem....) she tampered with the evidence that she was in fact responsible for the disappearances. Well her and several of her despicable cohorts. As reported earlier, The Good Witch Girlinda was merely trying to fumigate her infested home. Tune in later as we discuss hypocrisy and the Candy Corn nut jobs who should be poster children.  (Jan 29, 2012 | post #107)

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