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Jun 2, 2011

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Start this year with Parenting 101: Should your child lik...

What a STUPID question!!! Should your child like you?!!! *** If your child doesn't like, love, AND respect you, you've lost as a parent. I should know, because my father lost on all 3 accounts. And anybody who suggests that in order to win respect you have to sacrifice your children's liking you is ALSO a failure as a parent. *** Children don't have to like everything you do, every decision that you make, but that's very different from liking YOU. The article that this headline comes from is actually - in other respects - rather sensible. It points out that actions speak louder than words. I'll give you a different example to the one (a very good one) given in the article: It's not likely to be very effective if you tell your children not to smoke if you smoke yourself. I know of one family where 3 of the children (each at the appropriate age) complained about their parents' smoking and asked them not to smoke... and all 3 later became smokers themselves. (One of them now has 2 young daughters. And guess where my bets go?) *** The article also deals with tantrums. What do you do if your child throws a wobbly in the supermarket? Give in to shut them up? You're only teaching them that tantrums WORK! Say "no" and leave it at that? Useless. I've taken children certainly as young as 3 - and perhaps 2 - to a supermarket without their parents' presence. "Buy me that!" "No, because ---" (I always give a TRUTHFUL reason.) TANTRUM!!! "Listen: scream all you want. But, with me, you're NEVER going to get what you want by screaming. If you can convince me that my decision was hasty or based on shaky ground, I'll reconsider. But tears and scream's AREN'T going to do it." [That's the gist, but of course you use language appropriate to the child's age.] TANTRUMTANTRUMTANT RUM!!! I don't care HOW many other shoppers and/or store employees stare at me as if I'm a monster. That same child, on later trips to the stores with (a) parent(s), will throw tantrums... and often get what they want "if you'll shut up!" They NEVER once throw another with me... and will continue to hold my hand, like, respect, and love me when I on further occasions explain WHY I'm not buying them this or that. *** While I'm on this subject: NEVER say "no" just for the sake of it, "to train them that they can't always get their way". If there's no REASON to say "no", why not say "yes"? Saying "no" just to show that you're the boss is a sure-fire way to lose your child's respect. It's possible that they'll turn out to be well-behaved, obedient children >>> and adults. But they won't REALLY respect you.  (Jan 6, 2013 | post #1)


Take it from me - - gender-free' parenting doesn't work

I actually DID send a copy of the above (re-edited) to the web-site where the original article appeared. For HALF an HOUR, a little wheel spun around with a message: "Please wait while we add your comment". After half an hour, I thought that... well, to save having to type it all out again, here's what I ended up posting: "Please wait while we add your comment" Well, no, actually I won't any more. I waited half an hour the first time, thought that there must be something wrong with my Internet connection, refreshed the page, waited well over an hour the second time, and the "Please wait..." sign has disappeared. Which means that you've decided not to publish my comment - which I took a great deal of time and thought to compose. If you're not interested in debate with people who think differently from you, that's your problem. But - in that case - I have no interest at all in remaining registered with this site, and will terminate my account. After posting this... which I don't expect to appear, but apparently actually gets read by your editors. I couldn't work out just HOW to terminate my account... but that's alright, because today I find that it's been terminated for me. It's SO nice to know that Free Speech is alive and well in Canada as well as in the USA!  (Jun 3, 2011 | post #2)


Take it from me - - gender-free' parenting doesn't work

To reply to the original article, I would have to sign up. I have already signed up to too many of these pages on newspapers of which I know virtually nothing. The only reason for replying there, anyway, would be so that the author could read my reaction to his article. And I doubt that that would change his opinion. Because he writes: "Nor does it hold water to say that such differences are 'socially constructed'. In my own way, I was even more socially progressive than the Footloose Family — dragging my two daughters out on to tennis and squash courts when they were just three years old, and aggressively discouraging them from “princess parties” and the like." In other words, "I tried it and it didn't work, so don't you bother." Well, I would like to move one word of that quote into another sentence in it, like this: "I was even more socially AGGRESSIVE than the Footloose Family [...]" He "DRAGGED [his daughters] onto tennis and squash courts when they were just three years old." He goes on to admit that: "My motives were purely selfish: I wanted my daughters to become racquet addicts, like me". Has he ever even CONSIDERED the possibility that his aggressiveness put his daughters off? I'm male, my father was aggressive (and VERY sexist). He made fun of my mother's fears [for example, about his driving, including AFTER he had caused 2 accidents - one of which had put someone in the other car into a wheelchair, as well as destroying for ever my mother's good looks: she looked like the bride of Frankenstein after that accident, her face a patchwork of clashingly different shades of pink] in front of us, their children. I rejected my father's high-hinded, arrogant (self-worshipping) sexism at an early age. I am a dedicated feminist (and, no, I am NOT homosexual). My father LOVED aubergines. He insisted that I eat them, even though I used to gag on them. "Stop playing up! You're not getting up from this table until you finish your eggplant!" 50 years later, I still can't stand aubergines... and I've discovered that they're not, after all, so very healthy as he insisted they were. To get back to the author's thesis, "Gender differences are entirely biological, social programming has very little to do with it", I would reply: You are NOT the only one in your children's life. I personally don't think that the author WAS very progressive in the matter of gender orientation. He was a typically domineering macho-man trying to USE "feminist ideas" to mould his daughters into the sons that he probably would have preferred to have. But even progressive, ENCOURAGING (as opposed to INSISTING) parents don't have a monopoly on their children's formation. Every stranger who bends over a little girl and chortles: "What a pretty little darling"... or over a little boy and speculates: "I bet you want to be a football player when you grow up" is influencing the way your children see the World... and their role in it. This is EXACTLY the kind of prejudices that the couple portrayed in the article - and criticised as proponents of "a species of lie — and a damaging one, at that" - are trying to spare their child. Friends of mine took their toddler son to a nudist beach. Because he really was a VERY pretty child, strangers would come up and - despite the naked evidence before their eyes - coo: "Oh! What a PRETTY little girl!" (Prettiness only belongs to females.) Some people will never learn. That shouldn't stop others from teaching their children better values.  (Jun 2, 2011 | post #1)