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Jun 10, 2011

Cletus the Teabagger Profile

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Branson, MO

Branson Mayer Race Gettin Tight

Longtime Branson Mayer Rayanne Presley is gettin some hot competition this election time from hot-shot realtor Karen Best. You all know of my longtime admiration for Mayer Presley's shapely hindquarters and rheumy bedroom eyes, but she has shore hoed a long row of discontent amongst the restless Branson natives. Some of my fellow teabaggin patriots has turned aginst Mayer Presley after many hours of sweaty and fervent prayer about homelessness, job creatin and marijauna. Rumer has it that this race is so close that it can only be settled by the two comely opponents gettin down and wallerin in a pit of mud, wrasslin for the right to represent the true teabaggin patriots of Branson in the ivory tower of City Hall. If this is true I hope someone will post on the corkboard down at Country Marts the time and place of this spectacle. I will bring a bag of BBQ pork rinds and a sixer of PBR for this glorious exercise in free democracy. Thank the blessid baby Jesus that we live in a land free from moslems, sodomites and dentists, amen. Cletis  (Mar 11, 2015 | post #1)

Branson, MO

free rick perry

Things has come to a pretty pass when a steely-eyed and movie-star handsome governor can be not just accused but INDICTED for plain politics when everboddy knows dang well thats what he was elected for. When Governor Perry cast his long shadow across the police station door and gazed angrily into the camera for his mug shot my bowels began to quiver and a stinging salty tear leaked from my bloodshot eyeball. Thank Gawd he didn't wear them sissy glasses, he aint no bookworm. He's a born killer, a man of GAWD blessed with the power of JESUS to electrocute retards and deregulate business! I only hope he can master his steely resolve and testicles of solid brass to rise up and defeat them eggheaded librials that are using the rule of law (not Texas) to harass this wonderful man. Please fall down upon yore crusty knees and pray with me for the deliverance of this man and his wonderful thick and wavy hair, AMEN.  (Aug 20, 2014 | post #1)

Branson, MO

leave! my! duck! dynasty! alone!

Me and my cuzzin-wife Debbie were SHOCKED to lern that are favorite Duck Commander Phil is bein FIRED for talking about anuses and vaginas in an interview with GQ magazine! WTF!? First of all, wuz Phil posing for photos in a camo tuxedo? Or formal coveralls? And second, God himself has said that man-on-man action is FORBIDDEN! Old Phil had ever right to say what he see, except A&E has a clozz in his contract that probably restricts him from saying stuff that other folks don't like. Well TOO BAD! Bein a righteous teabaggin Christian man of American Jesus is all ABOUT saying stuff that other folks don't like! It's kind of our thing! Why should anyboddy be shocked that this righteous reality-tv star with his godly beard, millions of dollers and wardrobe of silky camouflage items publicly compares honcho action with donkey-love? He's still got a rite to his opinion aint he? I sure hope that my fellow flag-waver bible-believin tea party patriots will join Debbie and I in the most feverish, frightening, sweaty and athletic session of prayer EVER for our man Phil, that the Satan-owned A&E will reconsider and put that man back on his show, amen.  (Dec 19, 2013 | post #1)

Branson, MO

obammacare sucks! why can't i get it faster!

Jesus jumped-up Christ in a Harley sidecar! What in the world gives these old people, poor people and sick people the GALL to believe that they have a RIGHT not to DIE jest becuz they are AMERCANS! I has worked hard my hole life just to keep these here slackers from gavin ANY healthcare! If GOD wanted them moochers to live he wouldn't have made them poor or sick in the first place! What they need to do is PRAY HARDER! My and my stripper-cuzzin-wife Debbie pray furiously morning noon and night for these freeloaders to DIE OFF so we can be about our christian business without worrying about handouts cutting into our lottery and cigarette money. Please pray with us for deliverance from heathen babykilling demarcates, amen.  (Dec 13, 2013 | post #31)

Branson, MO

obammacare sucks! why can't i get it faster!

THANK YOU dna!!! I am super-glad that a learned man of economic wisdom such as yoursself has chosen to respond from the depths of your powerful and sulphorous education! I am SO GLAD that are side has a feller like you in our corner. I hope you are as good at spell in as you are at economics, maybe you can help me and Debbie make some new Tea Party signs!! Prayers for you! Amen  (Nov 18, 2013 | post #9)

Branson, MO

Let's Shut Down The Gubmint!

Let's here it for democrat-never-agin! My godly brother-in-arms has sed them very words that inspire me to put on my wooly Ben Franklin suit and begin marching furiously in front of my local post office! I pray that when our angry saviour returns to this diseased nation of whiners wantin free healthcare and food and stuff, that my glistening and slightly-sweaty lord will spare you and your cuzzin-wife and swoop you up to heaven on his flying-lazer-eyed dragon, amen.  (Nov 18, 2013 | post #38)

Branson, MO

obammacare sucks! why can't i get it faster!

From the comfortable confines of my mountainous trailer park here in the beautiful Ozark mountains I have watched with growing righteous ANGER the attempts of our openly-Black president to give healthcare to the poor, sick and elderly. I have cheered enthusiastically as out patriotic allies in the house of reps has trampled roughshod over ever attempt to make this Obammacare plan work out! That is why I'm so MAD that people can't GET IT! God's holy far has rained down on the Obammacare website with its seductive Latin lady on the front page and its insidious error messiges! How will our nation's neediest ever find out how BAD Obammacare IS if we don't git more of them SIGNED UP! PLeaase pray with me in that fervent old-timey way for the portals of the internets to open wide like the whore of Babylon's gaping vagina to let all them sick and poor people who are not dimmocrats to git in there and sign up for Obammacare, Amen.  (Nov 13, 2013 | post #1)

Branson, MO

Let's Shut Down The Gubmint!

Well, Obammacare is the law, passed by congress and upheld by the Supreme Court. But I DON'T LIKE OBAMMACARE! Number one, anyboddy can git healthcare including non-christians, homosapiens, democrats, old folks and childern who can't even vote! What next! Soon the gubmint will be tryin to prevent mass shootings or payin people higher wages! Us patriotic Tea Party men of God must STAND UP for what's right and SHUT DOWN the GUBMINT! I don't work hard all day long collecting beer cans outside the local strip club where my mom works to pay for healthcare for people who don't have enough sense not to be poor! If yer too old to work its time to die! Quit suckin off the gubmint teat! If you are young, poor and sick its time to die! Its how we thin out the herd! Survival of the fittest! Except I don't believe in that godless evolution crap from librials who say we come descended from monkeys. Please contact yer local elected official today at the adult entertainment establishment of your choice and tell them to shut down gubmint today! AMEN. Cletus.  (Sep 21, 2013 | post #1)

Branson, MO

If you could push a button...

My button would summon a fiery and angry JESUS, who would come swooping into town on a laser-eyed fire-breathing donkey. Jesus's glistening muscular arms would be totin' a fully automatic lava-gun and a nukular hand cannon which he would use to smite them godless libruls, smartass professors and unruly nuns. Please Lord, just gimme that button!  (Jun 20, 2013 | post #5)

Branson, MO

Obama Scandals Make Me Leap For Joy!

As my many friends know I am a righteous teabag-wearin anti-tax anti-gubmint man of God. It is with much heart-bustin joy and glee that I see and hear these reports outta Warshington about the trials and tribulations of our muslim/commy socialist nigerian shapeshifter president Barak Obama. Because Obama comes descended from African anarchist who reside deep in the fertile jungles of the dark continent he cannot abide the gun-wavin bible-beatin love us brilliant conservatives have for our country and are fellow man, except for negras and mexicans. It is sed now that Obamma has been looking at are Verizon phone records, hopin to catch hes conservative enemies talkin to porn stars and homolovers! He even had the IRS scrutinize my beloved anti-tax tea party for asking for tax emempt status to campaign agin payin taxes! This is CRAZY! Whats next? He'll probly have the EPA investigatin polluters or the FBI investigatin criminals! Why even now I can hear the faint sound of a drone flyin over my comfortable dubbelwide trailer deep in the Ozark mountains. NExt he'll be comin for my machine gun, my confederate flag and the taxes on my cuzzin-wife Debbie's unreported income as a amputee/stripper. Please join with me today in a spastic and eye-rollin prayer for the good Lord to mount up on his lazer-eyed muscular Pegasus and swoop down and smite all them liberials, socialists, teachers, union members and tree huggers with painful skin irritations and and runny discharges from there sexual areas, AMEN.  (Jun 6, 2013 | post #1)

Branson, MO

My son Brett Wakefield pedophile-child molester

Mebbe they kin move the Predator World to Kanakuk Kamp, kinda of a consolidation, and call it "Sexual Predator Kamp".  (May 15, 2013 | post #8)

Branson, MO

AbonÂ’go Roy Malik Obam0,Barack Obam0 1/2 brother

I has long claimed that Obama is a shape-shifting muslim alien born in the darkest Ubangi jungles of Nigeria, now here is are smokin gun! THank you, you fine patriot for finding this fine article of outstanding journalism and investigative prowess! Now if we can only reveal the TRUTH of Hillary burnin Ben Gazzara we can stop are forward march of progress into wicked librul domination in 2016!  (May 15, 2013 | post #2)

Branson, MO

Hillery Clinton Burned Ben Gazzarra and Killed Lincoln

No I have not seen that pictcher, but I would like too. I have often thought that with her shapely hindquarters she could throw a mean clamlock on a feller.  (May 14, 2013 | post #3)

Branson, MO

Haygood Brothers

What's his name?  (May 14, 2013 | post #3)

Q & A with Cletus the Teabagger


Enthusiastic Tea Party Patriot


Branson, MO


Trailer Park

Local Favorites:

Branson Tea Party HQ

I Belong To:

National Rifle Association, Americans For Prosperity, Republican Party, NAMBLA, Tea Party Patriots

When I'm Not on Topix:

I am marching about in my wooly Ben Franklin suit and tricorner hat for God and country!

Read My Forum Posts Because:

I am the most literate Tea Party member on earth

I'm Listening To:

Toby Keith, Ted Nugent

Read This Book:

Going Rogue, Atlas Shrugged

Favorite Things:

Bibles, guns, rebel flags, strippers, my cuzzin Debbie, paintings of crying bald eagles

On My Mind:

How to dethrone are Nigerian muslim hindu illegal immigrant president

I Believe In:

Sweet baby Jesus, no immigration, anti-abortion and put JESUS back in schools!