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Atlanta, GA

Police Search For Johnny Neptune

Atlanta police are investigating reports that the man who's been going around town and trying to get unsuspecting people to rub his nipples is Johnny Neptune. For six months now, victims have been reporting that an odd man has caught them off guard, often popping his head out of garbage cans as they walk past, cursed at them, and begged them to "Please rub my nipples"... This behavior has earned him the nickname 'Johnny The Grouch' while police have desperately tried to apprehend the man. He has also been reported to have tried negotiating with his victims, often offering to drink their vomit if they will address his nipple sensitivity issue. One woman said "He told me he would let me shit in his face JUST to see the hole it fell out of"... A police sketch artist finished a rendition drawn from victim's descriptions, and as soon as it was completed, a local animal control officer instantly recognized it as Johnny Neptune. "I met Johnny years ago when he would offer to have sex with dogs after we euthanized them. We would tell him that was against our policy, but when he offered to pay for it, we allowed Johnny to have access", said the animal control officer. "I should've known. Neptune would always rub Vicks Vapo Rub on his nipples and yell profanities as he prepared to rape the dogs' corpses. It made me so sick, I'd actually vomit, but Johnny always offered to drink it, then he'd climb into our garbage can." Police have an All Points Bulletin out for Mr. Neptune and are currently searching the city, one garbage can at a time. Further details as they become available.  (Jan 23, 2011 | post #1)

Atlanta, GA

Atlanta Police Searching For Louis Mandel

Atlanta police are investigating reports that the man who's been going around town and trying to get unsuspecting people to rub his nipples is Louis Mandel. For six months now, victims have been reporting that an odd man has caught them off guard, ofthen popping his head out of garbage cans as they walk past, cursed at them, and begged them to "Please rub my nipples"... This behavior has earned him the nickname 'The Grouch' while police have desperately tried to apprehend the man. He has also been reported to have tried negotiating with his victims, often offering to drink their vomit if they will address his nipple sensitivity issue. One woman said "He told me he would let me shit in his face JUST to see the hole it fell out of"... A police sketch artist finished a rendition drawn from victim's descriptions, and as soon as it was completed, a local animal control officer instantly recognized it as Louis Mandel. "I met Louis years ago when he would offer to pay to have sex with dogs after we euthanized them. We would tell him that was against our policy, but when he offered to pay for it, we allowed Louis to have access", said the animal control officer. "I should've known. Louis would always rub Vicks Vapo Rub on his nipples and yell profanities as he prepared to rape the dogs' corpses. It made me so sick, I'd actually vomit, but Louis always offered to drink it". Police have an All Points Bulletin out for Mr. Mandel and are currently searching the city, one garbage can at a time. Further details as they become available.  (Jan 19, 2011 | post #1)

Roberta, GA

Angie McGovern, former Atlanta Prostitute now in Roberta

Angie McGovern is a regrettable, pathetic liar that lost her own two children to the court system due to her Pathetic Drug Abuse. She took her own children's electronics and pawned them for Dope Money. She used to Turn tricks in Atlanta ( an honest to god PROSTITUTE ) and owes a lot of people money from her scams and blatant rip offs that she will NEVER repay. If you meet this illiterate weasel, steer clear of her unless you want to become her next victim..  (Jan 14, 2011 | post #1)

Roberta, GA

Roberta Citizens Want Eddie Stevens Out Of Town

Today, over 700 local residents signed a petition at Town Hall to oust a local drug dealer and pedophile out of the fine city of Roberta, Ga. "We simply don't want his type blemishing our city." said Wanda McStinkwhistle, an area resident and concerned citizen. " He is a drug dealer, a pedophile, and he has rotten teeth and an old lady's hairstyle." Roberta officials agreed, and are preparing a court order to forcably remove Mr. Eddie Stevens, Sr. from his laughable shitty doublewide trailer at 2897 Rowell Road along with his inbred hillbilly bad DNA family, as well as his former prostitute girlfriend, Mrs. Angela McGovern. Eddie Stevens' neighbors have reported loud drug parties and open acts of prostitution at the dumpy, garbage riddled lot. "I've actually seen his son, 'LilEddie' performing acts of homosexual prostitution on black men in exchange for drugs in their front yard." said a next door neighbor. Further details as they become available.  (Jan 14, 2011 | post #1)

Atlanta, GA

Johnny Neptune finally joins Facebook

Ever since the social networking site Facebook first went online, millions of users have searched for Johnny Neptune's page, all to no avail. The enigma refused to join the networking phenomenon because of an ongoing legal battle with Mark Zuckerberg, owner of Facebook over royalties that would have to be paid to Mr. Neptune for use of his trademarked name and likeness. After repeated attempts by the legal staff at Facebook, contractual negotiations have paid off, as Johnny finally announced on Jan. 13th that he was indeed now an official Facebook user. In an interview with the Associated Press on Thursday, the entertainer said, "WTF is Facebook ? My attorneys were supposed to be arranging a porn site where I have sex with brain injured orangutans. " Reports are still flooding in, but when this story was going to press it appeared that Johnny's page has already eclipsed the amount of hits received by Justin Bieber's page. "Regardless of whether or not I know what the hell Facebook is, I'd like to say a big hello to all of my friends that I've lost touch with due to my overwhelming schedule." added the infamous superstar, as three Swedish Females rubbed his shoulders and adjusted his ascot. As reporters attempted to ask further questions, they were assaulted by Neptune's security staff and drug out of his private 747 only to be thrown 22 feet down onto the tarmac at Hartsfield Intl. Airport. As his plane rolled out and prepared for take-off, a one-of-a-kind 40 ft. long sunroof opened up and he stuck out his head, flipping the press corps the middle finger and yelled "Put your Facebook into my Lapbook, you assholes !" He then revealed my wallet, which he had somehow pickpocketed from me during the Press Conferrence. Further details as the develop.  (Jan 14, 2011 | post #1)

Roberta, GA

Angie McGovern's Nipples -Gross Pink Paper Plates

THE NASTIEST NIPPLES EVER ON A HUMAN BEING When it comes to Angie Mcgovern, there is more than meets the eye. For example, her gross as shit, Nasty GIANT ORANGUTAN NIPPLES. It's a crying shame that her weird, malshapen Breasts have the world's WORST nipples attached to them. They are LITERALLY repugnant. Vomit inducing would be a good term for it. She also has a unique odor issue, When Angie walks past you, take a good whiff... That's the distinctive smell of a vagina that had an unchecked case of Chlamydia for THREE YEARS. She got it while up in Atlanta doing actual Prostitution, just like her mother Debra Pike... She also contracted the HPV virus at the same time, from her odd decision to NEVER use a condom while performing her often videotaped acts of prostitution. The HPV virus causes GENITAL WARTS, and her vagina and Rectum are riddled with the unfortunate bumps. She is completely Uneducated, and misspells the word Maybe as MABEY... She cannot carry on an intellectual conversation at the level of a common 4th grader, and relies on her diseased sexuality to overcompensate for this immediately recognizable downfall. Hert father, rocky Warren, is a ne'er do well redneck who is SO illiterate that he Cannot Even Spell His Own Name. He was so addicted to crack before he abandoned his family that he made his nasty hick wife Debra turn trailer park tricks to afford him his ghetto drug of choice. In fact, Angie McGovern's entire family are just about the lowest forms of pond scum imaginable. In a succinct summary, Angie is a wlking tiomebomb of Sexually Transmitted Diseases and a complete and utter Liar, Theif and Prostitute. My review ?.. Wear 3 rubbers when you nail this Houston Avenue Trick, as you WON'T want GENITAL WARTS like the ones that blemish her vaginal and rectal regions.. Angie ?.... Good work, Monkey Nipples !  (Jan 13, 2011 | post #1)

Roberta, GA

Roberta man contracts AIDS from his fiance

At the time this story was going to press, reports were that a local man, Mr. Eddie Stevens Sr. had contracted the deadly AIDS virus from his soon to be wife, Angie McGovern... An anonymous source confirmed the reports when she said, " I'm Eddie's Mother and it's true !! That little prostitute gave my diminutive and snaggled, rotten toothed son the AIDS virus from unprotected anal sex, but I'm not exactly sure which one of them was taking it up the ass harder, because my son, who is reminscant of an Oompa Loompa really likes ti have his rectum worn down..." More news as it rolls in.  (Jan 11, 2011 | post #1)

Roberta, GA

Local Man Engaged Endangers Children

DATELINE JAN. 10th, 2011 Roberta,Georgia At the time this story was going to press, local authorities reported that a Roberta man, Eddie Stevens Sr. has been identified as the one who was responsible for several counts of child endangerment. Mr. Stevens allowed the use of dangerous drugs in his house in the presence of several children, some as young as 8 years old. Under conditions of anonymity, the mother of the 8 year old boy said that Mr.Stevens allowed the smoking of marijuanna in the same room as the youngster on many occassions at the doublewide trailer at 2897 Rowell Road in Roberta. Eddie Stevens also allowed other drugs to be used in his residence, such as cocaine and opiates. Mr. Stevens, age 50 is a courier and was a guitarist for a local musical band until he was summarily fired from the band SOULSHINE due to his repeated disregard for the welfare of children. One of his former bandmates was interviewed and said, " Eddie is a turd.. A bastard... If he had've done these activities around MY kids, he'd be in the hospital." Mr.Stevens also has another claim to the hall of shame, as he was responsible for the loss of two young children by DFCS, who took the children from their mother ( his girlfriend, a married woman named Angie McGovern ) because of her rampant drug usage, which was funded, and fully supported by Mr.Stevens in a quest for sexual release and total disregard for the children's psychological well being. The children were set for adoption after their mother repeatedly tested positive for opiates by DFCS and all chances of an appeal were dashed as the mother,Mrs. Angie Mcgovern, age 31 decided the drugs and the white trash lifestyle afforded in the trailer were more appealing than the prospects of being a mother to her own kids. Mr. Stevens is a diminutive man, often confused with a midget. his mother, Mrs. Fay Taylor said, " Eddie is literally a son of a bitch and he has rotting, snaggled teeth and a hairstyle like a little old lady." Mrs. Taylor reportedly hates the ex-prostitute Angie McGovern and has tried unsuccessfully to get her out of the trailer, which is riddled with dog feces and has holes punched in the walls from her grandson,'Little' Eddie Stevens, Jr. when Mrs. Taylor last tried to remove the surly crew from the residence, which she owns, Eddie and little Eddie both threatened her with physical violence. Mrs. Taylor is 70 yrs.old. Further details as they become available.  (Jan 10, 2011 | post #1)

Poplar Bluff, MO

PB man contracts AIDS from fiance

DATELINE JAN. 10, 2011 At the time this story was going to press, reports were that a local man, Mr. Derrick Odle had contracted the deadly AIDS virus from his soon to be wife, Brittney...An anonymous source confirmed the reports when she said, " I'm Derrick's Mother and it's true !!" More news as it rolls in.  (Jan 10, 2011 | post #1)