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Asheville, NC

michael jackson no longer needs "jesus juice"!

Jessica, Please note that I said "known child molester", not "convicted child molester". Was Al Capone a "convicted gangster"? Nope; he was a convicted tax evader. But can you argue that he was not a "known gangster"? I rest my case. Jeff ;-)  (Jun 7, 2009 | post #19)

Asheville, NC

michael jackson no longer needs "jesus juice"!

TR, I'm not sure. Is he a known child molester? Does he have a Ferris wheel, too? Jeff  (Jun 6, 2009 | post #16)

Asheville, NC

michael jackson no longer needs "jesus juice"!

Jessica, Remember that Jackson's name wasn't in the original title and that it was only used as a "comparative gag reference" in the last paragraph. So what other wealthy pedophile can you suggest as an alternate? I’m listening. I chose Jackson as a “safe bet” since he doesn't even live in the U.S. anymore. Again, I stress: this was a humor column intended for entertainment purposes only. It doesn't have to make perfect sense; all that is required of it is to make you laugh. If it failed to do so, then perhaps they were right not to publish it. Jeff  (Jun 5, 2009 | post #13)

Asheville, NC

michael jackson no longer needs "jesus juice"!

Mtnbred, Thanks. The "cover story" for its rejection was that "nitrous oxide isn't available to anyone except medical professionals. " This ignores the fact that 1) nitrous oxide can be purchased at most speed shops; and 2) it was written as a HUMOR COLUMN, for crying out loud! Pretty discouraging, especially after they spiked my column about Obama's $20.3 million mandate (issued via executive order) to help re-settle Palestinian (Hamas) "refugees ". You say you didn't read about that? Guess why -- everybody else who tried to inform you of it via the MSM got spiked, too! And the print media wonders why it lacks credibility and has found itself in financial distress! Jeff Dreibus  (Jun 3, 2009 | post #5)

Asheville, NC

michael jackson no longer needs "jesus juice"!

Divigation, That's one way to wear 'em out and make 'em sleep like, well, babies! Jeff Dreibus  (Jun 2, 2009 | post #3)

Asheville, NC

michael jackson no longer needs "jesus juice"!

This column was originally submitted to A C-T for publication today. Guess what? They spiked it! Yes, it’s a humor column -- intended exclusively for entertainment purposes -- and they spiked it! And they just can’t understand why their circulation is in trouble . . . At the bottom you will find some links which you can follow to read the website and see the video referenced in the column. The title below is the one under which I submitted it to A C-T, but I thought I had better “sex it up” a bit for Toxix readers. OVER THE RAINBOW WITH PEDISEDATE This might sound boring at first, but please keep reading. I promise either a big ol’ belly laugh (my reaction) or grave concern (normal person’s response). “PediSedate is a medical device consisting of a colorful, toy-like headset that connects to a game component such as the Nintendo Game Boy system or a portable CD player. Once the child places it on his or her head and swings the snorkel down . . . PediSedate transparently monitors respiratory function and distributes nitrous oxide, an anesthetic gas. The child comfortably becomes sedated while playing [a game] or listening to music. This dramatically improves the hospital or dental experience for the child, parents and health care providers.” So reads the first paragraph on the home page of the PediSedate website. Obviously, this device is intended for no-hassle pediatric “stealth sedation” prior to performing dentistry or surgery. Don’t believe me? Go to www.pedisedate.com and check it out for yourself. The site includes a hard-to-access video (but your intrepid “reporter” managed to get it to run) which features a kid grogging-out somewhat dramatically on laughing gas while the song “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” plays in the background. Honestly, folks, I simply can’t make up stuff like this – I know ‘cause I’ve tried. The video states that, in clinical trials, the device “has been well received by parents, kids and health-care workers”. Well, of course – what sane parent wouldn’t want one of these things? “Here you go, kids! Entertain yourselves!” No more fighting in the back seat; no more “Are we there yet?”; just nappy-time while mom or dad monitors Junior’s vitals from a screen on the minivan’s dashboard. Maybe a few complaints such as “My video game makes me sleepy!”, but peace and quiet on the whole. Of course, this device could be a real problem in the wrong hands. You thought you had concerns regarding your cranky neighbor who can’t stand kids when the Taser was introduced; well, you hadn’t yet encountered PediSedate, had you? The good news is that the astronomical cost will probably keep it out of reach of the average kidnapper/pedophil e/harried parent, never mind the grouchy guy next door who tased your dog. Still, Michael Jackson can afford a Ferris wheel. If he has the bang to put one of those kiddie-magnets in his front yard, don’t you suppose that he can pretty easily score a black-market PediSedate . . ? Jeff Dreibus is not and never has been a parent . . . which is probably a good thing. Take him to task at [email protected] . Links: Website: http://www.pedised ate.com/Home.html Video: Pedisedate.wmv  (Jun 2, 2009 | post #1)

Asheville, NC

States consider drug tests for welfare recipients

Beli, Source, please? Just curious . . . Jeff Dreibus  (May 25, 2009 | post #113)

Asheville, NC

Obama Seizes Individually Owned Business

Thanks for the link, Tink. I'm going to research this story a bit more and perhaps do a column or blog entry about it. Jeff Dreibus  (May 21, 2009 | post #2)

Asheville, NC

Martian Menace? From A C-T 5-19-09

Thanks for the comments, guys (and perhaps gals). Grassion, I heard that second joke of yours eons ago -- on Hee-Haw! It involved a school teacher asking Goober "Which is closer: the moon, or England?" Jeff Dreibus  (May 21, 2009 | post #8)

Asheville, NC

This forum is officially DEAD!

THB, Then we must agree to disagree. One new feature of this forum I am NOT wild about is the little "Judge It!" icons. It will encorage online speculation, much of it incorrect, regarding who judged whom to be "nuts", "clueless " etc. I think that it will only serve to foment suspicion and anger -- but I suppose that, too, is part of free speech . . . unfortunately. Jeff Dreibus  (May 19, 2009 | post #22)

Asheville, NC

States consider drug tests for welfare recipients

Bobette and Sparky, I suppose my self-employment has more to do with determination and a willingness to sacrifice than luck, but thanks. Or maybe it has to do with the fact that I'm just too damned stubborn to pee into a cup in front of an audience -- along with a host of other employer- or state-mandated indignities to which I refuse to submit. Jeff Dreibus  (May 19, 2009 | post #85)

Asheville, NC

This forum is officially DEAD!

Yona, Actually, I have been told by an A C-T insider that dumping Toxix was an "economics " issue since it wasn't making them any money. I still think it was an unwise decision. Free navigation between A C-T and Toxix may now have been rendered inconvenient, but it is not impossible. I just posted my May 19 column here on Toxix along with a link to its site on A C-T, so it can indeed be done. I also crossed-linked my column on the Plucksville (A C-T) forum to Toxix. It can be done; just takes a few more minutes. Free speech is messy, folks, just like every other aspect of freedom in general. But please heed this warning: we must embrace the good with the bad, the pleasant with the unpleasant, or we shall ultimately lose our First Amendment rights altogether. Then it will no longer be a cut-and-paste inconvenience but rather "game over" time. I know that some of you seek that, but it would be the same as A C-T dropping Toxix: A VERY BAD IDEA. Jeff Dreibus  (May 19, 2009 | post #20)

Asheville, NC

Martian Menace? From A C-T 5-19-09

Link to the above column on the A C-T website: http://www.citizen -times.com/apps/pb cs.dll/article?AID =/20090519/OPINION 04/90519011/1045/C OLUMNISTS Jeff Dreibus  (May 19, 2009 | post #2)

Asheville, NC

Martian Menace? From A C-T 5-19-09

By Jeff Dreibus I never have completely trusted water towers. Just look at them: those tall spindly legs; those pod-like reservoirs; that light up on top which just might be emitting death-rays. Ever read H.G. Wells's “War of the Worlds?” They are absolute ringers for the Martian death machines (shudder). Anyone who listens to midnight radio knows that about half of the alleged “water towers” in the world are in actuality Martian “sleepers” which are simply waiting for the right moment to attack. Homeland Security is keeping an eye on them, “just in case.” While there is no love lost between water towers and me, I have never actually gone so far as to assault one. Raymond Maresh, 56, of Benton County, Arkansas, however cannot claim the same. According to media giant NWAnews.com (stands for “Northwest Arkansas News” in case you supposed otherwise), he pumped three rounds into the water tower which serves the bustling metropolises of Garfield, Gateway and Lost Bridge in that region. Maresh confessed to shooting the stationary steel menace known as “Two-Ton” with a .308 caliber rifle. Following the confession, Benton County Sheriff's Office arrested him and charged him with impairing the operation of a vital public facility and criminal mischief in the first degree, both class C felonies, and malicious wounding of an unarmed but scary-looking structure. No, wait – I'm making that last one up. The article does not state one way or the other, but I simply can't imagine that alcohol was in any way involved. The tower was last reported to be merrily bleeding an estimated 25,000 gallons per day through its three “flesh wounds.” (Ad in local newspaper now reads “Needed: three Dutch boys, ASAP, by Public Water Authority. Must have large fingers. No acrophobiacs”). A staff technician stated that it would require a minimum of $15,000 to repair the damage, which seems like a relative bargain to me. Just try to get a hospital to stop up three bullet wounds in your skin and see what it costs. So: is Maresh a criminal or a freedom-fighter? I suppose the answer depends upon whether the affected Arkansas communities run out of water before the tower animates itself ... Jeff Dreibus is also leery of radio and cell towers; they look like water towers whose “attack pods” have not yet fully matured. Contact him at [email protected] if you can verify his suspicions.  (May 19, 2009 | post #1)

Asheville, NC

No more links to Topix from ACT

SJB, Thought you had given up Toxix for good. Glad to see you have returned! Jeff Dreibus  (May 19, 2009 | post #23)

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