Anecdotes. Russian about the American...

Anecdotes. Russian about the Americans, the Americans about the Russian. jock

Posted in the Russia Forum

First Prev
of 19
Next Last

“Hello. America? It's me.”

Since: Oct 12

Rostov-na-Donu

#1 Dec 29, 2012
Friends are encouraged to share funny anecdotes.=) Joke № 1

"U.S. army buys 25 thousand pigs for combat patrols and protection of important Iraqi facilities. This method should completely eliminate the possibility of terrorist attacks, if only able to find a compromise with the Ukrainian contingent."

“Hello. America? It's me.”

Since: Oct 12

Rostov-na-Donu

#2 Dec 29, 2012
joke2

"Russian decided to make a promotional video and asked help the Americans:
- What should be in advertising?
Americans they say:
- Advertising - this is a little bit of sex, little adventures, little murders.

Well good, russians heard and make a movie: crawling through the desert naked woman rear fit a man up to her with a gun shot to the head, and says:
- So it will be with everyone who does not buy a Lada car!"

Since: Nov 09

Location hidden

#3 Dec 29, 2012
I know a lot of Polish jokes.

Like this

Question: Did you hear about the Polish Helicopter crash?

Answer: The pilot got cold, so he turned off the fan.

or this one

Q: How do you get a one-armed Pole out of a tree?
A: Wave to him.



“Hello. America? It's me.”

Since: Oct 12

Rostov-na-Donu

#4 Dec 29, 2012
"Caught in Russian, a German and an American on a desert island. We decided to go fishing, maybe that would be caught. Caught a goldfish. It is to them and said:
- Let go of me, you boys, I for one will fulfill your desire.
German:
- A glass of schnapps and send home.
American:
- A glass of whiskey and send home.
A Russian:
- A case of vodka and this is two guys comeback to island."

Since: Nov 09

Location hidden

#5 Dec 29, 2012
Yea, I posted thisone on these forums.))

“Hello. America? It's me.”

Since: Oct 12

Rostov-na-Donu

#6 Dec 29, 2012
"American patrol in Bagdad found two people unconscious next to the road, the U.S. Marines and Iraqi insurgents.
Rendered first aid to the two, they have led the Marines to their senses and asked what happened. He said: "I ​​was walking along the road, then I see the other side of this here aims at Kalash me! I aim for a M-16 and shouted to him: "Saddam - asshole!" And he told me shouts back: "Bush - a asshole!" And here we are in the middle of the road, smile and handshake, and accidentally here we are hit by a car ! "

“Hello. America? It's me.”

Since: Oct 12

Rostov-na-Donu

#7 Dec 29, 2012
"Stalin, Churchill and Roosevelt on summit decide how to make
cat eat mustard.

Roosevelt takes cat and stuffed
mustard into her mouth.
- This is violence!- Protests Stalin.
Churchill puts mustard between two slices of sausage and
cat eats.
- This is a hoax!- Protests Stalin.

Then he takes the cat and rubs her ass mustard.
Cat with howling all the licks.
- Please note - said Stalin - voluntarily and with
song."

Comrades! In US jokes about russians have?

“Hello. America? It's me.”

Since: Oct 12

Rostov-na-Donu

#11 Jan 30, 2013
Optimist learns English
Pessimist learn Chinese,
Realist learn automatic rifle Kalashnikov.

=)

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#12 Feb 10, 2013
Leonid-Rostow wrote:
Friends are encouraged to share funny anecdotes.=) Joke № 1
"U.S. army buys 25 thousand pigs for combat patrols and protection of important Iraqi facilities. This method should completely eliminate the possibility of terrorist attacks, if only able to find a compromise with the Ukrainian contingent."
We give our military personnel :

http://www.thinkgeek.com/product/c399/
Herman ukewitz

Pleasantville, NJ

#13 Feb 10, 2013
How many Russians does it take to make a light bulb work?
10,000 drunk russians, and only one Polish dude to turn on the light switch.

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#14 Feb 10, 2013
Leonid-Rostow wrote:
"Stalin, Churchill and Roosevelt on summit decide how to make
cat eat mustard.
Roosevelt takes cat and stuffed
mustard into her mouth.
- This is violence!- Protests Stalin.
Churchill puts mustard between two slices of sausage and
cat eats.
- This is a hoax!- Protests Stalin.
Then he takes the cat and rubs her ass mustard.
Cat with howling all the licks.
- Please note - said Stalin - voluntarily and with
song."
Comrades! In US jokes about russians have?
"Get moose and squirrel"

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#15 Feb 10, 2013
What's meant by an exchange of opinions in Russia?
It's when I come to a party meeting with my own opinion, and I leave with the party's.

What is 150 yards long and eats potatoes?
A Moscow queue waiting to buy meat.

What occupies the last 6 pages of the Lada User's Manual?
The bus and train timetables.

What do you call a Lada on a hill?
A bloody miracle.

As an answer to the Euro, the USA, GB and Russia decided to synchronize their currency: One pound of ruble is one dollar.

How does one get fresh air into a Russian church?
One clicks on an icon, and a window opens!

A Russian man saves his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car.
After choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the least bit
surprised or even concerned to learn that it will take two years for
the new car to be delivered. He thanks the salesman and starts to
leave, but as he reaches the door he pauses and turns back to the
salesman "Do you know which week two years from now the new car will
arrive?" he asks.
The salesman checks his notes and tells the man that it will be two
years to the exact week. The man thanks the salesman and starts out
again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back again.
"Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from now
the car will arrive?"
The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and says that
it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday.
The man thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave. Halfway
though the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the salesman.
"I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be two
years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the afternoon?"
Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another
time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon, two years from
now on Thursday.
"That's a relief!" says the man. "The plumber is coming in the morning!"

----

When Stalin was in office, he once noted that there were mice in
his study and complained to President Kalinin about this.
The President thought for a moment and suggested, "Why don't you
put up a sign reading 'Collective Farm'? Half the mice will die of
hunger and the other half will run away."

----

Little Boy: What will communism be like when perfected?
His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.
LB: But what if there is a shortage of meat?
HF: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying,
"No one needs meat today."

----

A recent questionnaire sent out in the Soviet Union contained the
questions:
1. Where were you born?
2. Where did you go to school?
3. Where did you attain your majority?
4. Where do you wish to live?

One return provided the following answers:
1. St. Petersburg
2. Petrograd
3. Leningrad
4. St. Petersburg

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#16 Feb 10, 2013
Three prison inmates were locked in the same cell; they soon began talking. "What are you here for?" asked one inmate of another. "They put me in for beating up some old Jew named Khaimovich," snarled one man. "And why are you here?" asked the second of the first. "For having defended some old Jew named Khaimovich in a fight," he replied. "And what were you arrested for?" the third inmate was asked. "For being Khaimovich," he sighed.

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#17 Feb 10, 2013
Dynamouse lived in the All Saints Orthodox Church and ate crumbs of prosfora that people dropped during the Divine Liturgy. She didn’t know she wasn’t supposed to. This was a great way of life for Dynamouse until the new priest arrived, and caught her at it. He decided to bring his cat, Magnificat, to the church to “clean up that rodent problem,” as he said.

Thus it was that Dynamouse met Magnificat on a Sunday when all the humans were down in the basement drinking coffee. Magnificat chased Dynamouse up one side of the church and down the other, and finally caught her.

“Any last words before I eat you?” asked Magnificat.

“No, just let me prepare to die,” said Dynamouse.“If you will relax your grip a bit, I shall be able to cross myself.”

So Magnificat relaxed his grip, and Dynamouse disappeared down a hole in the baseboard.

“That won’t happen again!” said Magnificat to himself.

The next time they met was on the Feast of the Elevation of the Cross. Magnificat chased Dynamouse up one side of the church and down the other, and finally caught her.

“I’ve got you now and I’m not going to ‘relax my grip,’ so you need to prepare to die without crossing yourself,” said Magnificat.

“You can’t eat me today, it’s a strict fast day,” said Dynamouse.

“Oh, I forgot about that,” said Magnficat.“I’ll have to wait until next time.”

So he let her go, and she disappeared down a hole in the baseboard.

The next time they met was on a Sunday again. Dynamouse was wearing a necklace with a cross on it. Magnificat chased her up one side of the church and down the other, and finally caught her.

“You can’t eat me while I’m wearing a cross,” said Dynamouse.“Let me take it off.”

“Of course,” said Magnificat. But as he let her go, she disappeared down a hole in the baseboard.

“Tricked again!” sighed Magnificat.

The next time they met was on a Saturday after a baptism. Some of the holy chrism had dropped onto Dynamouse’s head when the priest was chrismating the baby. Magnificat chased her up one side of the church and down the other, and finally caught her.

“You can’t eat me with holy chrism on my head, it wouldn’t be right,” said Dynamouse.

“I suppose that’s true,” said Magnificat.

So he let her go, and she disappeared down a hole in the baseboard.

The next time they met was on Christmas Eve.

“Strict fast,” said Dynamouse.

“Sigh,” said Magnificat.

The next time they met was on Theophany. Magnificat chased Dynamouse up one side of the church and down the other, and finally caught her. Dynamouse didn’t have a cross on. It wasn’t a strict fast day. She didn’t have holy chrism on her head. And she knew better than to ask to cross herself.

“I guess you’ve got me this time,” she said.“Try and keep the crumbs cleaned up when I’m gone, will you?”

“I can’t do it,” confessed Magnificat.“I’ve had more fun catching you than I’ve ever had in my life. If I eat you, whatever will I do with my spare time? I’m going to have to let you live. As long as you promise not to move away.”

“You mean we’re like — friends?” asked Dynamouse.

“Yeah, I guess we are,” said Magnificat. So he let her go, and she disappeared down a hole in the baseboard.

But she came back in less than a minute with a necklace with a cross on it for Magnificat.

“I’ve never had a friend before — can I give you this present?”

And she put the cross around his neck.

“Thank you,” said Magnificat.“Happy feast!”

“Happy feast!” said Dynamouse.

----

Have a good Lent. Be kind.

“In the cockles of weirdness”

Since: Oct 12

Location hidden

#18 Feb 10, 2013
snyper wrote:
<quoted text>
Thanks but you aren't American :)
Are those all British jokes?

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#19 Feb 11, 2013
-sunshine wrote:
<quoted text>Thanks but you aren't American :)
Are those all British jokes?
I have been a U.S. Citizen since birth.

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#20 Feb 11, 2013
Breaking News:

Ratzinger to abdicate:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-21411304
Mortimer McSnurf

Pleasantville, NJ

#21 Feb 11, 2013
How do you get Russians motivated to run in a foot race? You place a bottle of vodka at the finish line.
Mortimer McSnurf

Pleasantville, NJ

#22 Feb 11, 2013
How does a Russian know if an item is of better quality than something else? The price of the bribe goes up.
Mortimer McSnurf

Pleasantville, NJ

#24 Feb 11, 2013
How do you know where a starving Russian lives?
There are no leaves on the trees, no birds flying in the sky, and no worms underneath the ground.

Tell me when this thread is updated:

Subscribe Now Add to my Tracker
First Prev
of 19
Next Last

Add your comments below

Characters left: 4000

Please note by submitting this form you acknowledge that you have read the Terms of Service and the comment you are posting is in compliance with such terms. Be polite. Inappropriate posts may be removed by the moderator. Send us your feedback.

Russia Discussions

Title Updated Last By Comments
News Perspective: Hitler, as seen by Russia (May '15) 18 min Tm Clm 198
News 20,000 protest in Ukraine's capital (Jan '14) 40 min Tm Clm 10,662
News The View that Putin's Advisor Has on Obama's Uk... (Nov '14) 2 hr PolakPotrafi 5,242
News Kissinger the realist? 3 hr Janace 3
RUSSlA MUST UNITE ALL ORTHODOX COUNTRIES! 7 hr Russia WONT EXIST 7
KISSINGER the FKN JEW! 12 hr KISSINGER FKNJEW 1
News Explicit Photos of Female Russian Officials Cre... (Aug '15) Thu Babul Akhter 2
More from around the web