Humor, Trivia , Verses and other.

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HairyGuy

Woodland Hills, CA

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#1
May 6, 2008
 
I wish to invite everyone bring to this thread some humor, trivia , Verses and other bits of data.
I request that we keep the hateful, belittling and condescending out of it.
Please refrain from attacks.
Lets just keep it light and enjoy!
HairyGuy

Woodland Hills, CA

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#2
May 6, 2008
 
WD-40 Well, Who Knew...?(Part 1)

I had a neighbor who had bought a new pickup. I got up very early one Sunday morning and saw that someone had spray painted red all around the sides of this beige truck (for some unknown reason). I went over, woke him up, and told him the bad news. He was very upset and was trying to figure out what to do probably nothing until Monday morning, since nothing was open. Another neighbor came out and told him to get his WD-40 and clean it off. It removed the unwanted paint beautifully and did not harm his paint job that was on the truck. I'm impressed! WD-4 0 who knew?
Water Displacement #40. The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and degreaser to protect missile parts. WD-40 was created in 1953 by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company. Its name comes from the project that was to find a "water displacement" compound. They were successful with the fortieth formulation, thus WD-40. The Corvair Company bought it in bulk to protect their atlas missile parts.
Ken East (one of the original founders) says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you.
When you read the "shower door" part, try it. It's the first thing that has ever cleaned that spotty shower door. If yours is plastic, it works just as well as glass. It's a miracle! Then try it on your stovetop... Voila! It's now shinier than it's ever been. You'll be amazed.
Here are some of the uses:
1) Protects silver from tarnishing.
2) Removes road tar and grime from cars.
3) Cleans and lubricates guitar strings.
4) Gives floors that 'just-waxed' sheen without making it slippery.
5) Keeps flies off cows.
6) Restores and cleans chalkboards.
7) Removes lipstick stains.
8) Loosens stubborn zippers.
9) Untangles jewelry chains.
10) Removes stains from stainless steel sinks.
11) Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill.
12) Keeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from oxidizing.
13) Removes tomato stains from clothing.
14) Keeps glass sh ower doors free of water spots.
HairyGuy

Woodland Hills, CA

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#3
May 6, 2008
 
WD-40 Well, Who Knew...?(Part 2)

15) Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors.
16) Keeps scissors working smoothly.
17) Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homes
18) It removes black scuff marks from the kitchen floor! Use WD-40 for those nasty tar and scuff marks on flooring. It doesn't seem to harm the finish and you won't have to scrub nearly as hard to get them off. Just remember to open some windows if you have a lot of marks.
19) Bug guts will eat away the finish on your car if not removed quickly! Use WD-40!
20) Gives a children's play gym slide a shine for a super fast slide.
21) Lubricates gear shift and mower deck lever for ease of handling on riding mowers.
22) Rids kids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noises.
23) Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to open.
24) Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close.
25) Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in vehi cles, as well as vinyl bumpers.
26) Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles.
27) Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans.
28) Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons, and bicycles for easy handling.
29) Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothly.
30) Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools.
31) Removes splattered grease on stove.
32) Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging.
33) Lubricates prosthetic limbs.
34) Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell).
35) Removes all traces of duct tape.
36) Folks even spray it on their arms, hands, and knees to relieve arthritis pain.
37) Florida's favorite use is: "cleans and removes love bugs from grills and bumpers."
38) The favorite use in the state of New York WD-40 protects the Statue of Liberty from the elements.
39) WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a LITTLE on live bait or lures and you will be catching the big one in no time. Also, it's a lot cheaper than the chemical attractants that are made for just that purpose. Keep in mind though, using some chemical laced baits or lures for fishing are not allowed in some states.
40) Use it for fire ant bites. It takes the sting away immediately and stops the itch.
41) WD-40 is great for removing crayon from walls. Spray on the mark and wipe with a clean rag.
42) Also, if you've discovered that your teenage daug hter has washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry, saturate the lipstick spots with WD-40 and re-wash. Presto! Lipstick is gone!
43) If you sprayed WD-40 on the distributor cap, it would displace the moisture and allow the car to start.
HairyGuy

Woodland Hills, CA

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#4
May 6, 2008
 
The population of this country is 300 million.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama
Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work! for state and city
governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.
And there you are, sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.
Nice. Real nice!

Y si esperan por que yo trabaje los veo muy jodidos!
HairyGuy

Woodland Hills, CA

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#5
May 6, 2008
 
Subject: George Carlin (The comedian) strikes again!

George Carlin's Solution to Save Gasoline

Bush wants us to cut the amount of gas we use. The best way to stop using so much gas is to deport 11 million illegal immigrants!
That would be 11 million less people using our gas. The price of gas would come down.

Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the border. When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Iraq.

Tell him if he wants to come to America
then he must serve a tour in the military. Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it.
After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country. He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal patriot.

This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves.

If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo.

Problem solved!!
HairyGuy

Woodland Hills, CA

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#6
May 6, 2008
 
THE GREATEST MAN IN HISTORY

Jesus had no servants, yet they called Him Master.
Had no degree, yet they called Him Teacher.
Had no medicines, yet they called Him Healer.
He had no army, yet kings feared Him.
He won no military battles, yet He conquered the world.
He committed no crime, yet they crucified Him.
He was buried in a tomb, yet He lives today.
I feel honored to serve such a Leader.

IN CHEMISTRY, HE TURNED WATER TO WINE.

IN BIOLOGY, HE WAS BORN WITHOUT HUMAN CONCEPTION.

IN PHYSICS, HE DISPROVED THE LAW OF GRAVITY WHEN HE ASCENDED INTO HEAVEN.

IN ECONOMICS, HE DISPROVED THE LAW OF DIMINISHING RETURN BY FEEDING 5000 PEOPLE WITH TWO FISHES & 5 LOAVES OF BREAD;

IN MEDICINE, HE CURED THE SICK AND THE BLIND WITHOUT ADMINISTERING A SINGLE DOSE OF DRUGS.

IN HISTORY, HE IS THE BEGINNING AND THE END.

IN GOVERNMENT, HE SAID THAT HE SHALL BE CALLED WONDERFUL COUNSELOR,PRINCE OF PEACE.

IN RELIGION, HE SAID NO ONE COMES TO THE FATHER EXCEPT THROUGH HIM.

JOIN ME AND LET'S CELEBRATE HIM; HE IS WORTHY.

THE EYES BEHOLDING THIS MESSAGE SHALL NOT BEHOLD EVIL. THE HAND THAT WILL SEND THIS MESSAGE TO OTHERS SHALL NOT LABOR IN VAIN, AND THE MOUTH SAYING AMEN TO THIS PRAYER SHALL SMILE FOREVER.
REMAIN IN GOD AND SEEK HIS FACE ALWAYS.

IN GOD I'VE FOUND EVERYTHING!

AMEN

HE IS RISEN!!!!
HairyGuy

Woodland Hills, CA

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#7
May 6, 2008
 
UNIVERSAL UNDISPUTIBLE TRUTHS

1. There is no need to have filth pouring out of your mouth to prove your adulthood or manhood.
It only demeans you & shows your immaturity & lack of good manners & good taste.
2. Remember the purpose of life is a life of purpose.
3. If you think education is expensive try ignorance.
4. Great achievements demand sacrifice.
5. Great achievements & great love involve great risks.
6. Some people dream of great achievements, while others achieve their great dreams.
7. True love knows no distance or boundaries.
8. You always want the best for those you love.
9. Love means never having to say I’m sorry.
10. You never demean those you love.
11. True love is unconditional.
12. What you borrow you must return.
13. True love is not selfish.
14. Children are the seeds of the future.
15. If you want to soar like an eagle you cannot fly with turkeys.
16. God loves you.
17. Nothing is impossible.
18. As long as there is life there is hope
19. Only the strong survive
20. History is written by the winners.
21. Those that try to hurt me only make me stronger.
22. The vast majority of the rich in this country did not inherit their wealth; they earned it. They are the country’s achievers , producers & job creators.
23. Abstinence prevents sexually transmitted disease & pregnancy—every time it’s tried.
24. There’s a simple way to solve the crime problem: obey the law; punish those that do not.
25. Morality is not defined by individual choice.
26. Words mean things.
27. The only way liberals win elections is by pretending they are not liberals.
28. Liberals measure compassion by how many people are given welfare; Conservatives measure compassion by how many people no longer need it.
29. If you commit a crime, you are guilty.
30. Abortion is the killing of an unborn child.
31. The way to improve our schools is not money, but the re-introduction of moral & spiritual values…..as well as the 4 “R’s”: Reading,‘Riting,‘Rithmetic & Righteousness.
32. Drug addicts belong to the subhuman race.
33. The culture war is between the winners & those who think they are losers who want to become winners. The losers think the only way they can become winners is by banding together all the losers & then empowering a leader of the losers to make things right for them.
34. The Los Angeles riots were not caused by the “Rodney King verdict” but by the rioters.
35. Better dead than red.
36. The only good commie is a dead commie.
37. The richest of men are also the wisest, who spend their lives in the relentless pursuit of knowledge.
They use their energy, time & fortune accumulating knowledge &increasing tbeir brain power. He
who thinks money is all that counts, has no wisdom. He that does not amass a wealth of knowledge,
is a very, very poor man indeed, & is a fool that is worth nothing.
38. Pursuing the ever present challenge & the never ending battle!
39. It’s your choice to be a subhuman, merely human or superhuman. In other words: You choose whether to be a failure, merely be like the rest of your peers, or to rise above the rest & be superstar!
40. With great power comes great responsibility.
41. Quality is a continuous never-ending commitment to improvement
42. The best muscle car is the Dodge Charger.
43. I’m not arrogant, I speak with conviction
HairyGuy

Woodland Hills, CA

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#8
May 6, 2008
 
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the
line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the
Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, pl ease leave a message after the beep or befor e the
beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy
to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie
down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your
part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you
care.
HairyGuy

Woodland Hills, CA

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#9
May 6, 2008
 
LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
"Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
HairyGuy

Woodland Hills, CA

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#10
May 6, 2008
 
FAMILY

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."

She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.

She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood."
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
HairyGuy

Woodland Hills, CA

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#11
May 6, 2008
 
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
HairyGuy

Woodland Hills, CA

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#12
May 6, 2008
 
LITTLE LADY:


A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home..
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
HairyGuy

Woodland Hills, CA

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#13
May 6, 2008
 
OLD FRIENDS:

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many
decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.

Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get
mad at me ..

I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.

Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
HairyGuy

Woodland Hills, CA

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#14
May 6, 2008
 
SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently
warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.

Please be careful!"

"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
HairyGuy

Woodland Hills, CA

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#15
May 6, 2008
 
DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard.

As they were cruising along,they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it.

I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.

Again, they went right through.

The woman in the passenger seat was almost
sure that the light had been red but was
really concerned that she was losing it.

She was getting nervous. At the next
intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.

So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row?

You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"

Since: Nov 07

United States

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#16
May 6, 2008
 
The Love Story of Ralph and Edna



Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said,'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied,'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'
HairyGuy

Woodland Hills, CA

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#17
May 6, 2008
 
A Modern Parable...

A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (General Motors)decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River Both teams practiced
long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.
The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat.

A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.

Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second
opinion.

They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat,while not enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents
and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder.

It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower.

There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all
capital investments for new equipment.

The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India.

Sadly, The End.
**********
Sad, but oh so true!

Here's something else to think about:

Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US, claiming they can't make money paying American wages.

Toyota has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US.

The last quarter's results: Toyota makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses.

Ford folks are still scratching their heads.

IF THIS WASN'T SO SAD IT MIGHT BE FUNNY!
HairyGuy

Woodland Hills, CA

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#18
May 6, 2008
 
Awesome Joke



A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was a vowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, " Here I am God, I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine calmly replied, ""God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like and asshole..........So, he sent me."

“Non compos mentis”

Since: Feb 08

Roma

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#19
May 6, 2008
 
HairyGuy wrote:
The population of this country is 300 million.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama
Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work! for state and city
governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are, sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.
Nice. Real nice!
Y si esperan por que yo trabaje los veo muy jodidos!
Sorry HG. You end up with 5,000,002!
Do your math again.., you’ll see what I mean.
HairyGuy

Woodland Hills, CA

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#20
May 6, 2008
 
(This is from a very good article.)

Not only about the warm water after your meal,
but about heart attacks.

The Chinese and Japanese drink hot tea with their meals, not cold water, maybe it is time we adopt their drinking habit while
eating.

For those who like to drink cold water, this article is applicable to you. It is nice to have a cup of cold drink after a meal. However, the cold water will solidify the oily stuff that you have just consumed.
It will slow down the digestion. Once this "sludge" reacts with the acid, it will break down and be absorbed by the intestine faster than the solid food. It will line the intestine.
Very soon, this will turn into fats and lead to cancer. It is best to drink hot soup or warm water after a meal.
******
A serious note about heart attacks - You should know that not every heart attack symptom is going to be the left arm hurting. Be aware of intense pain in the jaw line.

You may never have the first chest pain during the course of a heart attack.

Nausea and intense sweating are also common symptoms. 60% of people who have a heart attack while they are asleep do not wake up.
Pain in the jaw can wake you from a sound sleep. Let's be careful and be aware.
The more we know, the better chance we could survive.

A cardiologist says if everyone who reads this message sends it to 10 people,
you can be sure that we'll save at least one life.

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