Erana Monika

New Zealand

#86 May 8, 2011
An Aussie, a Pom and a Maori were boozing at the Dubai Sevens, a death sentence offence. They’re busted and get the big D sentence. But they get lucky at the trial. It’s an Arab holiday and the sheikh says he’ll let them go after 20 lashes each, "It's also my 6th wife's birthday today, and she says to allow you a wish each before whipping.” The Pom thinks,“Tie a pillow to my back.” After 10 lashes the whip cuts thru and he’s carried away a mess. The Aussie smirks, Tie TWO PILLOWS to my back.” They last 15 lashes and he’s led away crying and whinging loudly. Before the Maori says anything, the sheikh says, "Tana Umaga is my hero, and for this, you get TWO wishes!" “Awww, tank you, fallas, mos’ Arab highness-ness. Because you’re so kind, my first wish is that I want 100 lashes - not 20." The sheikh looks at the Maori admiringly, "not only are you an honourable man, you are also VERY brave. If 100 lashes is what you desire, OK. And for your second wish?” "Put the Aussie on my back."

“Educating Utus”

Since: Aug 10

Wanganui, New Zealand

#87 Jun 2, 2011
Hone Harawira (Born John Harris) was visiting a Northern primary
school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words
and their meanings.

The teacher asked Hone if he would like to lead the discussion on the word
'Tragedy'..

So our future illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a
'Tragedy'.

Manu, a little boy stood up and offered:'If my best friend, who lives on
a farm, is playin' in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills
him, that would be a tragedy.'

'Incorrect,' said Hone.'That would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand:'If a school bus carrying fifty children
drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'

'I'm afraid not', explained Hone 'that's what we would refer to as a great
loss'.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Hone searched the room..

'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said:

'If a plane carrying you and Mr. Sharples and Mrs.Turia was struck by a
'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a
tragedy...'

'Fantastic' exclaimed Hone 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'

'Well', said Johnny,'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly
wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a f*cking accident
either!'
Jim Beam

New Zealand

#88 Jun 2, 2011
Erana Monika wrote:
An Aussie, a Pom and a Maori were boozing at the Dubai Sevens, a death sentence offence. They’re busted and get the big D sentence. But they get lucky at the trial. It’s an Arab holiday and the sheikh says he’ll let them go after 20 lashes each, "It's also my 6th wife's birthday today, and she says to allow you a wish each before whipping.” The Pom thinks,“Tie a pillow to my back.” After 10 lashes the whip cuts thru and he’s carried away a mess. The Aussie smirks, Tie TWO PILLOWS to my back.” They last 15 lashes and he’s led away crying and whinging loudly. Before the Maori says anything, the sheikh says, "Tana Umaga is my hero, and for this, you get TWO wishes!" “Awww, tank you, fallas, mos’ Arab highness-ness. Because you’re so kind, my first wish is that I want 100 lashes - not 20." The sheikh looks at the Maori admiringly, "not only are you an honourable man, you are also VERY brave. If 100 lashes is what you desire, OK. And for your second wish?” "Put the Aussie on my back."
Very good
sfh iasfhlaf

New Zealand

#90 Jun 12, 2011
what is the most expensive jewerllery a maori wears?
handcuffs.

“Educating Utus”

Since: Aug 10

Wanganui, New Zealand

#91 Jul 15, 2011
An aeroplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.



The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the aircraft.


The second passenger, Hone Harawira, said, "I am the leader of the Mana party in Aotearoa and I am the smartest Maori in New Zealand history, so New Zealand's people don't want me to die." He took the second parachute and jumped out of the aircraft.


The third passenger, Russell Norman, said, "I'm the leader of the NZ Greens and the nation needs my guidance and my boyfriend would miss me." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped


The fourth passenger, ex-PM Jim Bolger, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."


The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. Bolger. There's a parachute left for you. NZ’s smartest Maori took my schoolbag!"
Kiwi beauty

Santa Clara, CA

#92 Jul 16, 2011
Studies have shown that maori men are always angry because they cant get over the fact that they have small penises
Kiwi beauty

Santa Clara, CA

#93 Jul 16, 2011
,u have no job, u have no money, the only friends u have are ur relatives, time to look in the mirror & ask yourself "am i a maor,,,

“Educating Utus”

Since: Aug 10

Wanganui, New Zealand

#94 Jul 18, 2011
Ferrari fired their pit crew last week.

The announcement followed Ferrari's decision last month to take advantage of the New Zealand government's "work for the dole scheme" and to hire unemployed Maoris.

The decision to hire them was bought on by a recent television documentary on how Maoris were able to remove a set of car wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's pit crew can only do it in 8 seconds with the aid of millions of dollars of high tech gear. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari were confident they would have a decided advantage over every other F1 team.

However Ferrari got more than they bargained for on Sunday when, during the first pit stop the Maoris changed all 4 tyres in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the McLaren team for ten cases of Lion Red and a quick look at Lewis Hamilton's girlfriend in the shower.
Let there be Rock

Wellington, New Zealand

#95 Jul 18, 2011
Dr Death is walking home after PD. He spots a bottle of Cognac and kicks it....low and behold!!! eggHead the genie appears.“Right doctor you know the story one wish only, make it quick”!!! Dr Death, thinks for a while and then decides,“Ok eggHead. Everytime I urinate, I want my urine to smell and taste like the best Cognac ever made”!!!“As you wish” says eggHead and disappears in a puff of smoke.

Dr Death gets home to his lover V8p! V8p, grab me two glasses from the cupboard. V8p turns up with the glasses.“What are you doing?” she asks.

Meanwhile, the good doctor flops out his manhood and urinates in one glass. Then he holds it up to the light, all the while talking to himself…mmm! It looks like cognac, sniffs it, smells like cognac, then finally tastes it and shut your mouth, it’s the best tasting cognac he’s ever tasted in his life. So, he urinates into the other glass and him & V8p get absolutely hammered…This continues for a few weeks straight after PD. The good doctor and V8p get drunk on the best cognac in the world. Until Friday rolls around???

Dr Death gets home and shouts out to V8p to bring him one glass?!?

V8p is perplexed and enquires :“Death honey, we have been drinking together for the last few weeks and now all of a sudden you only want one glass? Why Death, why”??? Dr Death looks at V8p with a twinkle in his eye and says,“BECOS TONIGHT MY LOVE, YOU DRINK FROM THE BOTTLE”!!!!

“Educating Utus”

Since: Aug 10

Wanganui, New Zealand

#96 Jul 18, 2011
Maori jokes only please!
Let there be Rock

Nelson, New Zealand

#97 Jul 19, 2011
Wot a SadHead!!!.....as you wish.

“Educating Utus”

Since: Aug 10

Wanganui, New Zealand

#98 Jul 19, 2011
A Missionary was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the bush where he has spent years teaching the Maoris when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest, he points to a tree and says to the chief,'This is a tree.'

The chief looks at the tree and grunts,'Tree.'

The Missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says,'This is a rock.'

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts,'Rock.'
The Missionary was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top he sees a couple of Maoris in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds,

'Man riding a bike.'

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his taiaha and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief tha he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be
civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood?

The chief replied,'My bike.'

“"Never say never"”

Since: Sep 08

Location hidden

#100 Jul 19, 2011
Torqueing Heads wrote:
Ferrari fired their pit crew last week.
The announcement followed Ferrari's decision last month to take advantage of the New Zealand government's "work for the dole scheme" and to hire unemployed Maoris.
The decision to hire them was bought on by a recent television documentary on how Maoris were able to remove a set of car wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's pit crew can only do it in 8 seconds with the aid of millions of dollars of high tech gear. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari were confident they would have a decided advantage over every other F1 team.
However Ferrari got more than they bargained for on Sunday when, during the first pit stop the Maoris changed all 4 tyres in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the McLaren team for ten cases of Lion Red and a quick look at Lewis Hamilton's girlfriend in the shower.
ROTFL! I have been grinning for a while since reading this.
beauty

Auckland, New Zealand

#101 Aug 3, 2011
i saw two maori boys drowning in a river so i saved them.. On my phone as a screen saver!
PRETTY GURL

Auckland, New Zealand

#102 Aug 14, 2011
I saw two maori boys drowning in the river so i saved them.. Saved them on my phone as a screensaver
PRETTY GURL

Auckland, New Zealand

#103 Aug 14, 2011
oh somebody already said it lol
anthony wu

Wellington, New Zealand

#104 Aug 15, 2011
y should u never throw rocks at a maori on a bike ?? the bikes probably yours.
Billy Bob

Hoboken, NJ

#105 Aug 16, 2011
Two Maoris are riding along the road on a motorbike.

They break down and start trying to hitch a lift.

A friendly truck driver stops to see if he can help and the 2 Maori's ask him for a lift.

He tells them he has no room in the truck as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls.

The Maoris’ put it to him that if they can manage to fit in the back with their bike will he give them a lift and he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the truck and the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way.

By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down.

Sure enough a cop pulls him over for speeding.

The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies jokingly--'Maori eggs'.

The officer obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look.

He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.
He gets on his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.

'I've got a wagon with 20,000 Maori eggs in it - 2 have hatched and the bastards have managed to steal a motorbike already'

“CHURR BAY!!”

Since: Aug 11

Gizzy

#106 Aug 17, 2011
Here's a pakeha joke that beats them all..........JOHN KEY!!!
Monky Killa

Auckland, New Zealand

#107 Aug 17, 2011
Honky killa Hone Harawera cries: "Mummy Mummy I don't like Daddy!"

Mummy Titiwai screams back at him: "Shut up and eat what your given!"

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