Gay pair, Mom a volatile mix for birthday party

D ear Amy: In three months, my wife and I will celebrate our daughter's first birthday.

[Sixfamily]

Actually some feeling need to diminished right away. Don't cry over spilt milk is such a good lesson to be taught and to learn. The truly successful athlete, businessman, mom etc., can't dwell on the mistakes. They have to be shaken off and one must move forward quickly, or time is just wasted on sad thoughts. When I child isn't selected for premiere team, talk about the failures of Lincoln, and other figures who had success after failure, by shrugging it off, not dwelling on it. Moping, sadness, feeling sorry is a choice. But, being taught that "things happen" and you must move on,is an invaluable lifes lesson.

[ivory dove]

LW1: Why put your friends on the spot when you can have more than one celebration of your child's birthday? It's not like your
mother has a key to your house and can come in any time
she wants.
LW2 & LW3: You said it well.

[yellowdoggie]

Sixfamily, I agree. If you don't choose your own feelings, then who does? Feelings don't just "happen" to you. Thinking that one has no control over one's feelings is choosing to feel helpless.

[Dienne]

LW1: First, I have to say that first birthday parties are kind of ridiculous anyway - it's not like the child has a clue what's going on. But since that's not what you asked, I guess I'd say have two different parties. Doesn't sound like your parents and your friends would get along anyway, so why throw them in a room together. Two smaller gatherings would also be better for your child - less likelihood of overstimulation.

LW3: You don't have a choice about the physio-chemical reactions that occur instinctively and unconsciously in response to stressful/emotional situations, but one of the biggest factors in maturity is being able to quickly recognize those physio-chemical reactions and choose how to respond to them. This is why it's important when a child gets upset to help him/her name the feeling, validate it, then deal with it. Otherwise the child grows into an adult who has little idea where the feelings are coming from and who has no idea how to control them. Such an individual honestly believes s/he "can't" control his/her anger, etc. and recognizes no internal source of emotions - it's all because someone else "made me mad".

[Booch]

to LTW1: Since when do you get to decide your mother's opinions? Being a conservative Catholic myself, I would never diminish the value of a couples' relationship. "The greatest of these is love" means just that. If a couple is commited to each other & truly love one another, then who are we to judge. Even though it is not mainstream or traditional in any sense of the meaning, if this couple acts in a "normal" way, not sitting on each others laps, making out or getting up on a soap box to preach gay rights, etc.. then there should be no problem. The fact that you have not even told your other about this couple because of your own preconceived notions makes you just as judgemental. You should be forthright with your mother & let the chips fall where they may. If they are such good friends of yours and are such decent people your mother will see these fine qualities as well and should be just as supportative. If not, then that is her cross to bear, not yours.

[X-Pat]

LW1: Are you agonizing over the guest list for a baby's birthday party 3 months in advance? Get some perspective. It's not a state dinner.

[GiGi]

We may not be able to "choose" whether we feel angry or sad in a situation, but we CAN choose how we react to those emotions. I think the whole debate on choice of emotions is more or less learning to recognize the feeling and not let it consume you.

Obviously if someone does something to you that makes you angry, you have a right to say "when you did x, it made me angry". After that though, the next step is letting it go and not being angry about it anymore (unless they do it again). When discussing things with other people, it's important to be specific, because a general "you made me angry!!" helps no one.

[Jane]

Booch wrote:

to LTW1: Since when do you get to decide your mother's opinions? Being a conservative Catholic myself, I would never diminish the value of a couples' relationship. "The greatest of these is love" means just that. If a couple is commited to each other & truly love one another, then who are we to judge. Even though it is not mainstream or traditional in any sense of the meaning, if this couple acts in a "normal" way, not sitting on each others laps, making out or getting up on a soap box to preach gay rights, etc.. then there should be no problem. The fact that you have not even told your other about this couple because of your own preconceived notions makes you just as judgemental. You should be forthright with your mother & let the chips fall where they may. If they are such good friends of yours and are such decent people your mother will see these fine qualities as well and should be just as supportative. If not, then that is her cross to bear, not yours.

Good job convincing yourself as 'a conservative Catholic' that you are open minded and can see the beauty in two people loving each other. And then you went and showed your true opinion by writing if they act 'normal' there will be no problem. What you mean to say is that they need to act like two male friends and show no overt affection towards each other. What if they feel like putting their arms around each other or gently hold hands like NORMAL couples do? Then what? Then it's NOT okay?

[Buckeye]

Jenkins looks dreamy today.

[Booch]

Jane, "Normal" couples should show respectful affection, what was inferred was that they should not be all over each other in a crude fashion. Albeit even some straight couples tend to be too touchy feely in the public venue, there is alot to be said for a sense of decorum. Love is love & sex is sex & should be kept in the privacy of ones home. I don't need to be convinced of anything, you need to understand there is a time & a place for everything, a childs 1st birhtday is NOT the place for this to become a debate. The parents should bring this up to the mohter and let her decide what her stance is BEFORE the event. X-Pat is also correct in that the parents have gone too far overboard in planning this event, lighten up, it's a childs party, no need for the drama.

[Gay Mother]

Thank you for your typical "bigot" response. My daughter would tell you she is not a "poor innocent kid" and loves her two moms, no issues with it, happy healthy beautiful child.

Bye Bye Hartford wrote:

Nope, that child wont need therapy growing up with 2 daddys. Real normal values. Kis doesnt have a chance, and not even old enough to know. Gay couples fine. Marriage, fine. Just keep the poor innocent kids out of the equation.

[Ill keep the burb]

Gay Mother wrote:

Thank you for your typical "bigot" response. My daughter would tell you she is not a "poor innocent kid" and loves her two moms, no issues with it, happy healthy beautiful child.
<quoted text>

Of course, shes only a child. Wait a few years until the taunts at school begin.

[Gay Mother]

She is already been in school for years, and her friends know she has two moms, they come to our house, spend the night. It is only an issue with people who are opposed to the point of bigotry, such as yourself. She has been asked questions and she answers, it is not an issue nor will it be, her issues will probably come from people like you, not from having two moms.

Ill keep the burb wrote:

<quoted text>
Of course, shes only a child. Wait a few years until the taunts at school begin.

[lemonlime]

Steve Miller beats Littte Richard and "Bumps" any day of the week. Little Richard? Ugh, ugh.

[someone]

We had a kid in high school whose parents were gay. I don’t think he got bothered much.

The kids who did get razzed were the ones who had just moms who seemed to have many ummm casual boyfriends. Usually the early 30s mom of a high school jr or senior.

Stable parents of same sex = borrrrrrrring
Skanky mom = infinite ways to tease

Stable parents of same sex didn’t mean the kid was gay because by high school most kids had an idea of whether or not other kids were into the opposite sex or not.
Skanky mom…..well the general high school consensus was that any girl child of such a mom was probably going to be just like her mom….and for a guy child, anything said about his mom was a blow right to him.

That's pretty much how I remember it. I wonder if it's still true.

[Sunny]

LW1--Have a nice dinner with the family and a more lively party with friends. Save yourself and those involved the stress and drama. There's nothing worse then making your other guests feel uncomfortable if a rude exchange were to occur between your mom and the gay couple.

Gay Mother-Your daughter (and most kids with gay parents in general) will grow up to be a confident, open-minded individual who is not intimidated by anyone elses thoughts and opinions. In all likelihood she won't be judgemental and will learn to embrace other cultures/lifestyles. These are things we should all hope for our children.

Teach your children that our differences are what make us unique and beautiful, and that hatred of a group of people brings nothing but misery to your own life.

[hey now baba]

Ill keep the burb wrote:

<quoted text>
Of course, shes only a child. Wait a few years until the taunts at school begin.

Oh yea. I know somebody who is a product of this enviorment. Tormented at school, identity crisis, substance abuse. Ok adult now, but a sad kid. Then again theres plenty of selfish people who throw their values on kids, who have no choice. Some people just dont think of long term ramifications. Pure selfishness.

[Dienne]

Booch wrote:

Jane, "Normal" couples should show respectful affection, what was inferred was that they should not be all over each other in a crude fashion.

So has it been your experience that gay couples are frequently "all over each other in a crude fashion"? Because that hasn't been my experience at all. I have several gay friends/acquaintances in various degrees of relationships, as well as married and partnered straight friends/acquaintances. In my experience, the people that can't seem to be peeled off each other are straight couples in new, passionate relationships. I think a lot of gay people have been so conditioned to be "sensitive" to the feelings (and prejudices) of straight people that they're practically afraid to look at each other, let alone do something like, OMG, hold hands or kiss in public. I'm always happy when my gay friends/acquaintances get to know me well enough that they can relax with their partner and behave like a couple in my presence.

[Matilda]

The solution to have two parties is only a temporary fix. Then you're setting yourself up to have to throw two parties every year. While that would rock for the kid, it's a pain in the butt for mom.

[Stone Thrower]

People who say things like "Bye Bye Hartford" probably live a sheltered life without exposure to many different types of people. I'm not excusing his/her prejudice, but I see it more as a lack of knowledge and a level of fear about the unknown.

Plenty of gay families exist in Mass. and the sky has yet to fall. Its the stability of the family that makes the difference, not the gender of the parents.