j-o-k-e-s

Since: Apr 09

Location hidden

#427 Aug 8, 2012
I dialed a number and got the following recording :

"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."

~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~

My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time
You're old enough to know your way around,
You're not going anywhere.
~~~~~

God made man before woman so as to give him time
To think of an answer for her first question.

Since: Mar 12

Location hidden

#428 Aug 14, 2012
Andromeda-1 wrote:
I dialed a number and got the following recording :
"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."
~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~
My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time
You're old enough to know your way around,
You're not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time
To think of an answer for her first question.
just read it now and have so much laugh!:)... its gonna be a lovely day:)x

Since: Apr 09

Location hidden

#429 Aug 27, 2012
Fresh from recording all 205 National Anthems to be played at this summer's

games, the London Philharmonic Orchestra has teamed up with MINI for

one more performance. All stand please for conductor Gareth Newman and the

London 2012

Limited Edition MINI's unique tribute to Team GB.


http://www.youtube.com/embed/ik9AtJQXaHQ...

Since: Apr 09

Location hidden

#430 Sep 1, 2012
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.





The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."





So, on the way home the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard"



He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this sh!t but me!"

Since: Jul 11

Location hidden

#431 Oct 8, 2012
Andromeda-1 wrote:
How'd he do that?:0)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v =GCm4r0F0ttsXX&feature=pla yer_embedded
One word: AMAZING!!! Thanks for posting this Andromeda, this guy is awesome...

“just chillin'”

Since: Aug 12

Location hidden

#432 Oct 10, 2012
Qantas Joke sent in by Nigel Morris

Apparently, after every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet', which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' Pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

Pilots: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Pilots: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilots: Something loose in cockpit.
Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilots: Dead bugs on windshield.
Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilots: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilots: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineers: Evidence removed.

Pilots: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Engineers: That's what they're for.

Pilots: Suspected crack in windshield.
Engineers: Suspect you're right.


»

More Exchanges Between Qantas Pilots and Their Engineers

Pilots: Number 3 engine missing.
Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilots: Aircraft handles funny.
Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilots: Target radar hums
Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilots: Mouse in cockpit.
Engineers: Cat installed.

And perhaps, the best Qantas joke...

Qantas Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Engineers: Took hammer away from midget

Hope you enjoy it :D

Since: Apr 09

Location hidden

#433 Oct 13, 2012
INDIAN WINTER

It's late Fall, and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea.

He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked,'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again.'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied,'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again.'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied.'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied,'The Indians are collecting a sh!tload of firewood.'

Since: Aug 12

Location hidden

#434 Oct 15, 2012
WHY I'M DEPRESSED
Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago,(when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

Today, our government has stolen your shovel, taxed your a...sses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc...

I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.....

Since: Apr 09

Location hidden

#435 Oct 17, 2012
An older gentleman
is stopped by the police.

It's 2AM

"Where are you going
at this time of night, Sir?"

"I'm on my way to a lecture about
alcohol abuse,
the effects it has
on the human body,
as well as smoking and
staying out late."

"Really?
Who's giving that lecture
at this time of night?"

"That would be my wife."

Since: Apr 09

Location hidden

#436 Oct 17, 2012
Warning:

Due to the frequency of human-bear encounters, the B.C. Fish and Wildlife Branch is advising hikers hunters, fishermen and any persons that use the out of doors in a recreational or work related function to take extra precaution while in the field.

We advise the outdoorsman to wear little noisy bells on clothing so as to give advance warning to any bears that might be close by so you don't take them by surprise.

We also advise anyone using the out-of-doors to carry "Pepper Spray" with him in case of an encounter with a bear.

Outdoorsmen should also be on the watch for fresh bear activity, and be able to tell the difference between black bear feces and grizzly bear feces. Black bear feces is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur, Grizzly bear sh!t has bells in it and smells like pepper.

Since: Apr 09

Location hidden

#437 Oct 22, 2012
DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs...

"Your badge! Show him your BADGE!

Since: Apr 09

Location hidden

#438 Oct 26, 2012
The Talking Centipede

A single guy decided life would be more fun
if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store
and told the owner
that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion,
he finally bought a talking centipede,
(100-legged bug),
which came in a little white box
to use for his house.

He took the box back home,
found a good spot for the box,
and decided he would start off
by taking his new pet
to the bar with him.
So he asked the centipede in the box,
"Would you like to go
to the bar with me today?
We will have a good time."

But there was no answer
from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit,
but he waited a few minutes
and then asked again,
"How about going
to the bar with me
and have a beer?"

But again,
there was no answer
from his new friend and pet.
So he waited
a few minutes more,
thinking about the situation.

The guy decided
to invite the centipede one last time.

This time he
put his face up against
the centipede's house and shouted,
"Hey, in there!
Would you like to go
to the bar for a beer?"

This time, a little voice
came out of the box,
"I heard you the first time!
I'm putting my [email protected] shoes on!"

Since: Apr 09

Location hidden

#439 Oct 29, 2012
God speed all is well across the US east coast, New Jersey, NYC (and environs). If you still have power (over a million don't I've heard) this is for you!

I'm passing this on because it worked for me today.. A Dr . On TV said to have inner peace we should always finish things we start & we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum

Since: Apr 09

Location hidden

#440 Nov 23, 2012
An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly parted.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

TGIF!

Since: Apr 09

Location hidden

#441 Dec 1, 2012
A Love Story


A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the
mall was packed.

As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do.

Because she was so worried, she called him on her cell phone to ask
him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry
store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that
diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would
get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said,
"Yes, I remember that jewelry store."

He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."

Since: Apr 09

Location hidden

#442 Dec 1, 2012
AMISH LADY DRIVER


"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."
"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."

"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles.

Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too."

"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home."

True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector.

He said he would put a new one on immediately.

"Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."

Since: Apr 09

Location hidden

#443 Dec 8, 2012

Since: Nov 12

Rotherham, UK

#444 Dec 8, 2012
Bill Clinton and George Bush have both died and gone to hell. Clinton has been there for a while but Bush is a new arrival. However, there are so many people in hell it's overcrowded. The devil decides to let one person free for every new person that enters hell.

To make it easier on Bush, the devil allows him three options

First, he can roll a ten tonne stone for eternity but bush says 'I have a bad back'

The second option is to hammer away at a rock for etetnity but Bush says ' my legs are weak '

So the devil introduces the third option. Clinton is stood in his underwear with Monica Lewinsky on her knees doing what she does best.'Oohh I'll take that option!' Bush says keenly.

The devils turns and says 'OK Monica, you can go now '

;p

Since: Apr 09

Location hidden

#445 Dec 10, 2012

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.



On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.

"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.
ronone

Masontown, PA

#446 Dec 12, 2012
youtube.com/watch... …Heres the Joke

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