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61 - 80 of 116 Comments Last updated Nov 9, 2007

Since: Oct 07

Tampa, FL

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#68
Nov 3, 2007
 
Scottish Girl wrote:
One day a boy approched his mom and asked,
"Mom, how come I hear you and dad fighting and yelling, but when I look in your room your on top of each other?"
His mother, very surprised replies; "Honey you know how fat your daddy is, I'm jumping on top of him to help him lose weight."
The boy knows that's not working and tells her why...
"Mom that's not going to help, because the lady next door comes by after you leave for work, and blows him back up."
OOOhhh! That's pretty good.

Since: Aug 07

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#69
Nov 3, 2007
 
This couple had met in a bar, really hit it off, and gone back to her house to have wild, passionate sex.

After they finished he lies back with a smug look on his face, "I guess that was just about the best sex you've ever had," he says.
"What makes you say that?" askes the woman.

"Well every time we did it,I couldn't help notice how it made your toes curl."

"Oh, that's because most men wait to take off my pantyhose first."

Since: Oct 07

Tampa, FL

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#70
Nov 3, 2007
 
Scottish Girl wrote:
This couple had met in a bar, really hit it off, and gone back to her house to have wild, passionate sex.
After they finished he lies back with a smug look on his face, "I guess that was just about the best sex you've ever had," he says.
"What makes you say that?" askes the woman.
"Well every time we did it,I couldn't help notice how it made your toes curl."
"Oh, that's because most men wait to take off my pantyhose first."
Man, that guy's got power!

Since: Oct 07

Tampa, FL

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#71
Nov 3, 2007
 
A drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound like her."

Since: Oct 07

Tampa, FL

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#72
Nov 3, 2007
 
A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102.

Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.

The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.

The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out.

You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley.

I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."

The new man asked, "What happened?"

"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"

Since: Aug 07

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#73
Nov 3, 2007
 
A woman woke up in the mddle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.

She went downstairs and looked around, still not finding her husband. listening again, she could definetly hear moaning. she went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked

"Remember when your father caught us fooling around when you were 16? And remember he said I had two choices: I could either marry you or spend the next 20 years in prison."

Baffled she said, "yes, I remember. so?"

"Well... I would have gotten out today!"
Rumple Tweezer

Portland, OR

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#74
Nov 3, 2007
 
A lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Dakota. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I'm one of the best trial attorneys in California and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Dakota. We settle small disagreements like this with the North Dakota Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What's that?"
The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."
[I love this part.....]
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
Rumple Tweezer

Portland, OR

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#75
Nov 3, 2007
 
A man goes into a hardware store and asks the clerk for a file. Clerk: What are you going to use the file for? Man: I need to file my parrots beak. Clerk: You can't do that! It'll kill the parrot. Man: You're crazy! Just give me the file. So the man buys the file and a week later he comes back into the store. Clerk: So, how did it go with your parrot? Man: You were right; as soon as I took his head out of the vice, I knew he was dead.
Rumple Tweezer

Portland, OR

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#76
Nov 3, 2007
 
Quitters never win, and winners never quit, but people who never quit and never win are idiots.

The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
Rumple Tweezer

Portland, OR

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#77
Nov 3, 2007
 
I go to a lawyer with a problem. I ask him "Do you handle this kind of problem? He says he does. I say- "How much do you charge?" He says "$50.00 per question" I say- "Isn't that kind of steep?" He says- "Yes it is, and that's $150.00 you owe me so far."
Rumple Tweezer

Portland, OR

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#78
Nov 3, 2007
 
The sheriff goes into the saloon, asks the bartender if he had seem Brown Paper Jake. The bartender says he does not know Brown Paper Jake- what does he look like? The sheriff says "He wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots." The bartender says- "Can't say I have ever heard of him. What do you want him for?" The sheriff says "Rustling".
Rumple Tweezer

Portland, OR

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#79
Nov 3, 2007
 
Police officer to man pulled over-

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

Since: Oct 07

Tampa, FL

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#80
Nov 3, 2007
 
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

Since: Oct 07

Tampa, FL

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#81
Nov 3, 2007
 
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fcuk your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."



Since: Aug 07

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#82
Nov 4, 2007
 
How to impress an Italian woman:

wine her,
dine her,
call her,
hug her,
support her,
hold her,
surprise her,
compliment her,
smile at her,
listen to her,
laugh with her,
cry with her,
romance her,
believe in her,
cuddle with her,
shop with her,
give her jewelry,
buy her flowers,
hold her hand,
write love letters to her,
go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.

How to impress an Italian man:

Show up naked,
Bring beer.

“Which way to Stergis????”

Since: Oct 07

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#83
Nov 4, 2007
 
Safety Kills wrote:
Not really a joke, more of a funny story. Don't know if it is true or not, and honestly, I don't care, it's still funny.
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle... From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the

lot. The wife returned later to see a small group
of people near the car. On closer inspection, she
saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the

chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack

of underpants turned private parts into glaringly

public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment,
she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her
hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back
into place. On regaining her feet, she looked
across the hood and found herself staring at her
husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic,

however, had to have three stitches in his
forehead.
That was too funny, everyone heard me gawfawwing, that was a real knee slapper, geez that is a good one, thank you very much, you made my day, even if it had them full of tears,

“THE GAME IS RIGGED”

Since: Oct 07

Monroe, LA.

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#84
Nov 4, 2007
 
While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Tony Blair responds ,"It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb motherf*cker."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb sh*t, it's Tony Blair!"

“Which way to Stergis????”

Since: Oct 07

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#85
Nov 4, 2007
 
You guys are a riot!! Here, i was all depressed and all and here is a GOOD forum.Thank you all for all those jokes, and whom ever started this forum, outstanding.Everyone of you are great, thanks again.

“Hidee ho peoples”

Since: Jul 07

right here

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#86
Nov 4, 2007
 
What's the difference between my ex mother in law and a hippo......

Yea, I couldn't answer it either.....

“Hidee ho peoples”

Since: Jul 07

right here

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#87
Nov 4, 2007
 
I used to date a girl that used foam contraceptive. By the time I found out, I looked like a mad dog !!!!

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