Time for a Joke Thread! Let's Go!

Time for a Joke Thread! Let's Go!

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Just a thought

Lebanon, MO

#1 Oct 31, 2007

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a
couple of his
friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where
there was a
big brass gong and a mallet.

'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'Yup,' replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.

'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave
the gong an
ear-shattering pound, and stepped back..

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone
on the other side of the wall screamed,

'You ass-hole..it's three-fifteen in the morning!'

“Getting On Your Nerves ”

Since: Oct 07

And Loving IT !

#2 Oct 31, 2007
a blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender," wanna hear a blonde joke?"

the guy next to him says" before you tell that joke,you should know something"

our bartender is blond, the bouncer is blonde,. i'm a 6ft tall black belt,the guy next to me is 225lbs of rugby player,the guy on your other side is 6'5" pushing 300lbs and he is a wrestler. each of us is blonde.

think about it ,do you realy want to tell that blonde joke?

the blind guy say's " nah, not if i am going to have to tell it 5 times"

“Seeking World Peace”

Since: Oct 07

NYC

#3 Oct 31, 2007
Republican men- as per Mary.

“Getting On Your Nerves ”

Since: Oct 07

And Loving IT !

#4 Oct 31, 2007
FireInMe wrote:
Republican men- as per Mary.
you are one in the same.and i like mary better

Since: May 07

NYC

#5 Oct 31, 2007
dave_psl_fl wrote:
<quoted text>
you are one in the same.and i like mary better
LOL!

“Seeking World Peace”

Since: Oct 07

NYC

#6 Oct 31, 2007
dave_psl_fl wrote:
<quoted text>
you are one in the same.and i like mary better
I am not Mary. Don't fuel your fantasy.
Just a thought

Lebanon, MO

#7 Oct 31, 2007
This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be

more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet

store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an

unusual pet. After some discussion he finally bought

a centipede,(100 leg bug), which came in a little

white box to use for his house. He took the box

home, found a good location for the box, and decided

he would start off by taking his new pet to

the bar for a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you

like to go to Frank's place with me and have a

beer?" But there was no answer from his new Pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes

and then asked him again, "How about going to the

bar and having a drink with me?"

But again there was no answer from his new friend

and pet.

So he w aited a few minutes more, thinking about the

situation.

He decided to ask him one more time. This time

putting his face up against the centipede's house

and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go

to Frank's place and have a drink with me?





YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS......























A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the

first time !

I'm putting my damn shoes on!"
Just a thought

Lebanon, MO

#8 Oct 31, 2007


A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico .

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter,'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied,'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said,'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied,'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he call ed to the waiter and said,'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, Si,Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.

Since: Oct 07

Tampa, FL

#9 Oct 31, 2007
A duck walks into a bar and say's to the bartender; got any gwapes? The bartender say's; no we don't sell grapes here, sorry. So the duck leaves. The next day, the duck, after having a bad day, goes back to the bar and say's to the bartender; got any gwapes? The bartender say's; no, I told you yesterday, we don't sell grapes here. So the leaves. The next day, after having another bad day, the duck goes back to the bar and say's to the bartender; got any gwapes? The bartender, furious at the duck's persistance say's; NO! I'm not gonna tell you again, and if you ask me again I'm going to nail your bill to the bar, now get outta here! So the duck leaves the bar, shook- up by the attitude of the bartender. The next day, the duck, having the worst day so far this week, goes back to the bar and say's to the bartender; got any nails? The bartender say's to the duck; NO! I don't have any nails. The duck say's; got any gwapes?
Jokester

Indianapolis, IN

#10 Oct 31, 2007
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! NEVER! Turn them! HURRY UP! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you ALWAYS forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show YOU what it feels like when I'm driving."

Since: Oct 07

United States

#11 Oct 31, 2007
Fishman told this at a Phish show in Charlotte years ago-

A little wimpy guy gets sent to prison. He gets put in a cell with a huge, terrifying, hardcore convict. He is in fear all day but nothing happens, and eventually it's lights out and they climb into their separate bunks. Just as the little guy is about to fall asleep he hears the con:

"Hey, I wanna play house! You wanna play house?"

"Uh, sure, I guess" the little guy stammers.

"Ok, you wanna be the man or the wife?" asks the con.

The little guy figures he'd better make the best of a bad situation. "I, uh, wanna be the man."

"Great," says the con. "Now get down here and suck your wife's d__k!"

Since: Oct 07

Tampa, FL

#12 Oct 31, 2007
A man is telling his grandson about his adventures in his life. He tells the grandson about the time he was in the military, and they were parachuting out of a plane, "when the time came for me to jump, I got scared and refused to jump. The drill seargent then told me to jump or he'd stick his 10 1/2 inch dick in my ass". The grandson say's; Grandpa, did you jump? The grandfather say's; just a little at first.

“Getting On Your Nerves ”

Since: Oct 07

And Loving IT !

#13 Oct 31, 2007
FireInMe wrote:
Republican men- as per Mary.
oh please ,go have an orgasm or something!

“Getting On Your Nerves ”

Since: Oct 07

And Loving IT !

#14 Oct 31, 2007
Just a thought wrote:
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico .
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter,'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied,'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'
The cowboy said,'What the heck, bring me an order.'
The waiter replied,'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he call ed to the waiter and said,'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, Si,Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.
oh man, i have had a couple of drinks,my sides are hurting,tears rolling,,,,,,really a good one! damn that is funny

Since: Aug 07

Location hidden

#15 Oct 31, 2007
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.

After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn I wish I had a flashlight."

The woman says, "So do I. You've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

“Getting On Your Nerves ”

Since: Oct 07

And Loving IT !

#16 Nov 1, 2007
Scottish Girl wrote:
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.
After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn I wish I had a flashlight."
The woman says, "So do I. You've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
oh man that is a ggod one also!!!!!!!! iam now laughing hard
Just a thought

Lebanon, MO

#17 Nov 1, 2007
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.

He finds him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the R ! We missed the R ! We missed the R !" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, Father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was ...



C E L E B R A T E !!! "

“Getting On Your Nerves ”

Since: Oct 07

And Loving IT !

#18 Nov 1, 2007
Just a thought wrote:
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He finds him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the R ! We missed the R ! We missed the R !" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, Father?"
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was ...
C E L E B R A T E !!! "
oh man that would suck
Just a thought

Lebanon, MO

#19 Nov 1, 2007
Stuttering cat


> A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human Beings
> are the only animals that stutter", she says. A little girl
raises her
> hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.
>
> The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could
become,
> asked
> the girl to describe the incident.
>
> "Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the

> Rottweiler
> who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it,
he jumped
> over the fence into our yard! "That must've been scary", said
the
> teacher.
> "It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Sssss,
Sssss,
> Sssss'... and before he could say "Shit," the Rottweiler ate
him!"
John T Hall

Seattle, WA

#20 Nov 1, 2007
Knock Knock

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