So murder in self-defense is ordained by god, but suicide is a mortal sin that will be the end of association with god???<quoted text>
Almost right....Murder is a mortal sin, except when necessitated by self-defense, or defense of others....
That means that the god PREFERS you murdering another human or humans over you murdering your own self.
Your dogmas are wacky ... as usual ... and they gave the Catholics permission to burn innocent humans at the stake as a NECESSITY because the ones your hierarchy labeled as "heretics" supposedly offended a god.
If you don't wake up from your cultish brain-SET ... no one can do it for you.
Religion is BUNK!