Tell Me A Good Joke
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WV Girl at Heart

Ashburn, VA

#1 Aug 5, 2008
Let's lighten this forum up a little.Bring some smiles to someone's face.
It is simple,just tell me a good joke,and let everybody follow with a better one.
It should prove to be interesting,and enjoyable,to hear your jokes.

“ASPIRE 2 INSPIRE B4 U EXPIRE”

Since: Jul 08

USA

#2 Aug 5, 2008
Here is some childrens humor to start you thread off on the right foot.
__________
What, you ask, is 'Butt dust?' Read on and you'll discover the joy in
it!

These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.
After a while he asked:'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and
one for cold milk?'

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was
so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said,'If you don't
remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to
six.'

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night.'I love you so much
that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in
vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom
explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her.
Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked:'How does it know it's
me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups.'Please don't
give me this juice again,' she said,'It makes my teeth cough.'

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked:'How much do I
cost?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and
kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his
dad:'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked
what was troubling him, he replied,'I don't know what'll happen with
this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read:'The man
named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his
wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked:'What
happened to the flea?'

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather
wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then
asked,'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday
sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward
heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.'Without you, we are
but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient
daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in
her shrill little four year old girl voice,'Mom, what is butt dust?'

Spread the smiles
WV Girl at Heart

Ashburn, VA

#3 Aug 5, 2008
REDNECK HIPPIE wrote:
Here is some childrens humor to start you thread off on the right foot.
__________
What, you ask, is 'Butt dust?' Read on and you'll discover the joy in
it!
These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.
After a while he asked:'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and
one for cold milk?'
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was
so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said,'If you don't
remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to
six.'
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night.'I love you so much
that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in
vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom
explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her.
Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked:'How does it know it's
me?'
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups.'Please don't
give me this juice again,' she said,'It makes my teeth cough.'
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked:'How much do I
cost?'
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and
kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his
dad:'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked
what was troubling him, he replied,'I don't know what'll happen with
this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?'
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read:'The man
named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his
wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked:'What
happened to the flea?'
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather
wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then
asked,'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday
sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward
heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.'Without you, we are
but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient
daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in
her shrill little four year old girl voice,'Mom, what is butt dust?'
Spread the smiles
I can never remember most jokes,so I seldom try my luck at telling them.You probably know lots.
Thanks,you brought a smile to my face.lol

“ASPIRE 2 INSPIRE B4 U EXPIRE”

Since: Jul 08

USA

#4 Aug 5, 2008
WV Girl at Heart wrote:
<quoted text>
I can never remember most jokes,so I seldom try my luck at telling them.You probably know lots.
Thanks,you brought a smile to my face.lol
check out the patriot sites and kokopellis and club intrigue, I post one every day.
WV Girl at Heart

Ashburn, VA

#5 Aug 5, 2008
REDNECK HIPPIE wrote:
<quoted text>
check out the patriot sites and kokopellis and club intrigue, I post one every day.
I will do that.I like to have a laugh,at least once a day!
Seems we get all caught up in the problems in the world,and we take no time out,for the simple things,such as a smile.
I laugh last

Brooklyn, NY

#6 Aug 5, 2008
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him,'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a 'Nazi.' He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said,'Obama in '08 .' I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.

“ASPIRE 2 INSPIRE B4 U EXPIRE”

Since: Jul 08

USA

#7 Aug 5, 2008
WV Girl at Heart wrote:
<quoted text>
I will do that.I like to have a laugh,at least once a day!
Seems we get all caught up in the problems in the world,and we take no time out,for the simple things,such as a smile.
Yeah, I beleive if we laughed more, the world would be a whole lot better.
Joke

Charlotte, NC

#8 Aug 5, 2008
Everyone in DC is so determined that Obama will win presidency, they have already started picking up the rose garden and planting watermelon seeds!
Carl wrote

Little Rock, AR

#9 Aug 5, 2008
Three friends - a surgeon, an engineer, and a politician - were discussing which of their professions was the oldest.

The surgeon said "Eve was created from Adan's rib - a surgical procedure."

The engineer replied: "before Adam and Eve, order was created out of chaos, and that was an engineering job."

The politician said, "Yes, but who do you suppose created the chaos?"
Jay

Verona, WI

#10 Aug 5, 2008
Guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow he swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little pig. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" He asks. "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender. Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
WV Girl at Heart

Ashburn, VA

#11 Aug 5, 2008
I laugh last wrote:
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him,'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a 'Nazi.' He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said,'Obama in '08 .' I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.
I think laughter is always a welcome retreat,to the problems that we have.Thanks!
Jay

Verona, WI

#12 Aug 5, 2008
A cocky US Department of Agriculture inspector drove up in a fancy white truck and told the farmer "I need to inspect your farm."

The farmer reluctantly but confidently said, "OK, but don't go in that field right over yonder." The inspector said, "Mister, I have the authority of the United States Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go wherever I wish on any agricultural land. No questions asked, and no questions answered. Have I made myself clear?" The farmer nodded politely and went about his chores.

Some half an hour later, the farmer heard loud screams for help and looked up to see the inspector running for the fence pursued by his prize bull, which was gaining with every step. The farmer immediately put down his feed buckets, ran to the fence and shouted out, "Your card! Your card! Show him your card!"
Jay

Verona, WI

#13 Aug 5, 2008
After escaping from her overly controlling campaign manager for the evening, Hillary Clinton sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Then the soothsayer looked up and locked eyes with Hillary, who was visibly shaken at this news. Hillary stared back at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her shaking hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She looked back, deep into the fortune tellers gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her the big question: "Will I be acquitted?"

Since: Aug 08

Euclid, OH

#14 Aug 5, 2008
A 7 year old boy was helping his mom decorate a cake.The boy took some of the chocolate iceing and rub his face with it and jumped out of at his mom and yelled( Im black).His mom spanked him and told him to tell go tell his father.The boy went to his father who was reading the paper and said dad Im black.His dad grabed him and spaked him harder than his mom.Then his dad called the boys grandma to the room and told her the boy said he's black.Grandma spanked the boy on sight and then asked him now what have you learned?The boy said I have only been black for 2 minutes and I got might ass kicked 3 times and I hate white people already.(dark humor)
WV Girl at Heart

Ashburn, VA

#15 Aug 5, 2008
Jay wrote:
Guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow he swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little pig. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" He asks. "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender. Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
Now that was a smart little monkey!LMAO
Jay

Verona, WI

#16 Aug 5, 2008
An Amish Farmer, walking through his field, notices a man kneeling down and drinking from his farm pond. The Amish farmer shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen." (Translated: "Don't drink the water, the cows have crapped in it.")

The kneeling man shouts back "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand you. I speak Arabic and English. If you can't speak in the sacred tongue of Islam, then speak in the accursed English language."

The Amish farmer says: "Use two hands, you'll get more!"
Jay

Verona, WI

#17 Aug 5, 2008
Ed and Harriet met while on a cruise, and Ed fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue their relationship. "It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now."

Harriet responded, "If we're being honest with each other, here goes... I'm a hooker." "I see," Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment. Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."
Jay

Verona, WI

#18 Aug 5, 2008
Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" I said. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm broke!" and proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder." I stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.
WV Girl at Heart

Ashburn, VA

#19 Aug 5, 2008
Jay wrote:
An Amish Farmer, walking through his field, notices a man kneeling down and drinking from his farm pond. The Amish farmer shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen." (Translated: "Don't drink the water, the cows have crapped in it.")
The kneeling man shouts back "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand you. I speak Arabic and English. If you can't speak in the sacred tongue of Islam, then speak in the accursed English language."
The Amish farmer says: "Use two hands, you'll get more!"
I bet you keep people laughing.lol
Jay

Verona, WI

#20 Aug 5, 2008
This one isn't a joke, but it will keep you busy for a while.

A baby girl is mysteriously dropped off at an orphanage in Cleveland in 1945. "Jane" grows up lonely and dejected, not knowing who her parents are, until one day in 1963 she is strangely attracted to a drifter. She falls in love with him. But just when things are finally looking up for Jane, a series of disasters strike. First, she becomes pregnant by the drifter, who then disappears. Second, during the complicated delivery, doctors find that Jane has both sets of sex organs, and to save her life, they are forced to surgically convert "her" to a "him." Finally, a mysterious stranger kidnaps her baby from the delivery room.

Reeling from these disasters, rejected by society, scorned by fate, "he" becomes a drunkard and drifter. Not only has Jane lost her parents and her lover, but he has lost his only child as well. Years later, in 1970, he stumbles into a lonely bar, called Pop's Place, and spills out his pathetic story to an elderly bartender. The sympathetic bartender offers the drifter the chance to avenge the stranger who left her pregnant and abandoned, on the condition that he join the "time travellers corps." Both of them enter a time machine, and the bartender drops off the drifter in 1963. The drifter is strangely attracted to a young orphan woman, who subsequently becomes pregnant.

The bartender then goes forward 9 months, kidnaps the baby girl from the hospital, and drops off the baby in an orphanage back in 1945. Then the bartender drops off the thoroughly confused drifter in 1985, to enlist in the time travellers corps. The drifter eventually gets his life together, becomes a respected and elderly member of the time travellers corps, and then disguises himself as a bartender and has his most difficult mission: a date with destiny, meeting a certain drifter at Pop's Place in 1970.

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