Where's jesus christs afterbirth ??
Knock off purse seller

Commerce City, CO

#48 Jan 25, 2011
And he IS a thief. True the hippies came later in history, but what makes you think jesus can't time travel??

He has 'powers', don't he?

There ya have it.
fred the justified

United States

#49 Jan 25, 2011
You're troubled.

I'll pray for you.
Knock off purse seller

Commerce City, CO

#50 Jan 25, 2011
Grilling Cheeses in Hell wrote:
When Jesus masturbated, did he yell out "OH ME!!! OH ME!! YEahhhhh"
Also, did anyone ever hear it? If so, where are the ancient texts where someone wrote this down, like in their version of a personal diary?

We have the current versions of the bible out there, and the catholic one has a few books others don't, so you KNOW someone's been editing shit out, so where did these passage go?
tempting the lord thy god

Commerce City, CO

#51 Jan 25, 2011
fred the justified wrote:
You're troubled.
I'll pray for you.
Don't get me started, fool.

Keep that up, I'll re-write some parts of the Book of Revelations again... and dare that dreaded threat at the end of it to come get me.....

don't EVEN go there..........
tempting the lord thy god

Commerce City, CO

#52 Jan 25, 2011
fred the justified wrote:
You're troubled.
I'll pray for you.
Ok, so, you're trying to piss someone off by saying that?

Fine......

Rev 1:9
I, John, your ugly/perverted brother and sexual companion in the suffering and kingdom and patient endurance that are ours in Jesus, was on the island of Patmos because of the word of God and the testimony of Jesus we're pretty sure.

Rev 1:10
On the Lord’s Day, when infants crap a lot, I was in the Spirit, and I heard behind me a loud voice like a trumpet but don't think it's funny to hear a loud voice-I am a schizo you know,

Rev 1:11
which said:“Write on a scroll what you see and send it to the seven churches, which used to be 6 till someone got mad and grafittied '666' as some twisted joke: to Ephesus, Smyrna, Pergamum, Thyatira, Sardis, Philadelphia and Laodicea." Take the scroll and place it end side up, then down when the moon is full, being sure you have dots appearing at that moment on your face.

Rev 1:12
I turned around to see the voice of a drunken man that was speaking to me. And when I turned I saw seven golden lampstands, 666 silver chalices filled with colon cancerous tumors,

Rev 1:13
and among the lampstands and cancers was someone like a son of man but not quite-he looked a bit stoned so it was hard to tell,[d] dressed in a robe reaching down to his feet and with a golden sash around his penis.

Rev 1:14
The pyramid on his head was white like wool, as white as nighttime, and his eyes were like blazing fire which was put out but also lit.

Rev 1:15
His feet were like bronze glowing in a furnace which is the first instance of 'smelly feet' in recorded history, and his voice was like the sound of rushing waters.

Rev 1:16
in his right hand he held seven baseball stars, and coming out of his mouth was a sharp, double-edged sword. His face was like a shining porcelain toilet in all its brilliance.

<><><>< ><><><> <><><>

Wait!(as Bugs Bunny says)..... here's more.......

Rev 22

Epilogue: Invitation and Warning

12 “Look, I am coming soon (not)! My reward is with me (powerball!), and I will give to each person according to what they have done. 13 I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End, I'm the End but keep talking despite it.

14 “Blessed are those who wash their robes (even I, God, don't want you're smells, got it?!), that they may have the right to the tree of life and may go through the gates into the city. 15 Outside are the dogs, those who practice magic arts, the sexually immoral, the murderers, the idolaters and everyone who loves and practices falsehood.... these shall live forever.

16 “I, Jesus, have sent my angel to give you [a] this testimony for the churches. I am the Root and the Offspring of David, and the bright Morning Star which was dark every night."

16a, section 3B : Paul and Emanual seeth this and gave great comments, saying, "You still wanna be Jose Canseco? Who else can throw a slider like that??"

17 The Spirit and the bride say,“Come!” And let the one who hears say,“Come! Here kitty kitty!” Let the one who is thirsty come and then dry the hell up; and let the one who wishes take the free gift of the water of life.

18 I warn everyone who hears the words of the prophecy of this scroll: If anyone adds anything to them, God will add to that person the plagues described in this scroll. 19 And if anyone takes words away from this scroll of prophecy, God will take away from that person any share in the tree of life and in the Holy City, which are described in this scroll.

20 He who testifies to these things says,“Yes, I am coming soon.”

Amen. Come, Lord Jesus.

21 The grace of the Lord Jesus be with God’s people. Amen.

22 Despite #18 above, giving a cruse to anyone who changeth this text, I'm too stoned to do anything about it, sayith the Lord.

<><><>< ><><><> <><><>< ><><><>
Rev 22:18 curse or no...

I aint called 'tempting the lord thy god' for nutin.
:D
Knock off purse seller

Commerce City, CO

#53 Jan 26, 2011
Now there's 2 such threads as this one :

http://www.topix.com/forum/news/weird/TEKDN9B...

The more god's (weird)word gets talked about, the better.

Better? That word reminds me........

of the word 'wetter'.

christ must've could've wet his bed as a kid, particularly till potty training kicked in. Wetness...hmmmm.........
Knock off purse seller

Commerce City, CO

#54 Jan 26, 2011
While thinking about the Shroud of Turin....made me think about Jesus' underwear and or sheets after a wet dream....I'm going along with the concept that Jesus was a virgin, so you know there was back up and getting a grip just doesn't seem right somehow....maybe the deciples got the grip.

Anyway....those semen stained items would have some powerful DNA.
© Noah Vail
Knock off purse seller

Commerce City, CO

#56 Jan 26, 2011
The more people realize the significance of this topic, the better. We need to get to the bottom of this.
Knock off purse seller

Commerce City, CO

#57 Jan 26, 2011
and where did the cross and nails end up? Just as important a a shroud.....ever actually consider the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

Only takes one nail to hang the picture.
© Noah Vail

gotta give credit where it's due, good one noah. noah...convenient name.. ;)
Knock off purse seller

Commerce City, CO

#58 Jan 26, 2011
Grilling Cheeses in Hell wrote:
When Jesus masturbated, did he yell out "OH ME!!! OH ME!! YEahhhhh"
And WHO drew pictures of him doing it?

Someone's gotta have used them too, more jerking ya know.

Man! Just picture what someone had in their *hot* lil hands. jesus jerking it drawings!

Makes me wonder if jesus was guilty of breaking commandment #3 when he shouted while jerking.... "Oh god!!! ohh god!!!!!!".

"You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain" jesus, saith God.

And then #3 was broken again when whoever had the drawings of it jerked and said the same thing : "Ohhh God! oooohhh God!"
Knock off purse seller

Commerce City, CO

#59 Jan 28, 2011
OK, this thread is now going over here......:

http://www.topix.com/forum/news/weird/TEKDN9B...
Knock off purse seller

Aurora, CO

#60 May 29, 2011
Knock off purse seller wrote:
<quoted text>
And WHO drew pictures of him doing it?
Someone's gotta have used them too, more jerking ya know.
Man! Just picture what someone had in their *hot* lil hands. jesus jerking it drawings!
Makes me wonder if jesus was guilty of breaking commandment #3 when he shouted while jerking.... "Oh god!!! ohh god!!!!!!".
"You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain" jesus, saith God.
And then #3 was broken again when whoever had the drawings of it jerked and said the same thing : "Ohhh God! oooohhh God!"
This is a fact. Seems to me it would've happened.
yeppers

Aurora, CO

#61 May 29, 2011
jesus's bottled farts would be more like what I call..well, you figure it out.
Knock off purse seller

Denver, CO

#62 Jun 5, 2011
jesus went to school and farted while there.

which just to mind the importance of bottling farts that were cut in different locales.
Knock off purse seller

Denver, CO

#63 Aug 15, 2013
Hehe. Doctor REALITY wont like this thread but that's too bad.
Knock off purse seller

Denver, CO

#64 Aug 15, 2013
Grilling Cheeses in Hell wrote:
When Jesus masturbated, did he yell out "OH ME!!! OH ME!! YEahhhhh"
That's funny. Keep it up :-D
Knock off purse seller

Denver, CO

#65 Aug 15, 2013
Knock off purse seller wrote:
<quoted text>
And WHO drew pictures of him doing it?
Someone's gotta have used them too, more jerking ya know.
Man! Just picture what someone had in their *hot* lil hands. jesus jerking it drawings!
Makes me wonder if jesus was guilty of breaking commandment #3 when he shouted while jerking.... "Oh god!!! ohh god!!!!!!".
"You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain" jesus, saith God.
And then #3 was broken again when whoever had the drawings of it jerked and said the same thing : "Ohhh God! oooohhh God!"
Good one!
Knock off purse seller

Denver, CO

#66 Aug 25, 2013
Where?
Knock off purse seller

Denver, CO

#67 Aug 31, 2013
This thread could be considered blasphemy.
Knock off purse seller

Denver, CO

#68 Sep 3, 2013
Good :-)

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