Jokes!

“Saw 'em April 15th 1977”

Since: Mar 08

Location hidden

#1 Jun 7, 2008
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy,
'Son, how old are you?' Eight,' the boy replied.

The man continued,'Do you know what these are used for?'

The boy replied,'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four.

We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike.

Right now, he can't do either one.'

“Otter”

Since: Jan 07

Oswego, NY

#2 Jun 7, 2008
FundieSmacker wrote:
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy,
'Son, how old are you?' Eight,' the boy replied.
The man continued,'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied,'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four.
We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike.
Right now, he can't do either one.'
sad face icon for you.

“Saw 'em April 15th 1977”

Since: Mar 08

Location hidden

#3 Jun 7, 2008
Saranacotter wrote:
<quoted text>sad face icon for you.
Damn! Two in one day? Okay, whaddya got?

“Otter”

Since: Jan 07

Oswego, NY

#5 Jun 7, 2008
FundieSmacker wrote:
<quoted text>
Damn! Two in one day? Okay, whaddya got?
lol, naw - go for three.
Writing in Paradise

Honolulu, HI

#6 Jun 7, 2008
Three men in a pub, after a few drinks start talking about their wives

First one says my wife is so stupid she bought $500 of meat cause it was in a sale and she doesn’t eat meat...

Second guy says my wife is worse. she spent $17000 on a new car and she can’t even drive.....

The third man laughs and says - my wife is so stupid it is unbelievable. she is going on holiday with her friends and bought 5 boxes of condoms and she doesn’t even have a PENIS!!!

“Saw 'em April 15th 1977”

Since: Mar 08

Location hidden

#7 Jun 7, 2008
Writing in Paradise wrote:
Three men in a pub, after a few drinks start talking about their wives
First one says my wife is so stupid she bought $500 of meat cause it was in a sale and she doesn’t eat meat...
Second guy says my wife is worse. she spent $17000 on a new car and she can’t even drive.....
The third man laughs and says - my wife is so stupid it is unbelievable. she is going on holiday with her friends and bought 5 boxes of condoms and she doesn’t even have a PENIS!!!
I LOVE THIS ONE! Thanks!!!

“Saw 'em April 15th 1977”

Since: Mar 08

Location hidden

#8 Jun 7, 2008
Saranacotter wrote:
<quoted text>lol, naw - go for three.
Okay, now these are REALLY bad:

Below is a list of children's books you'll never see in any bookstore!

"You Were an Accident"

"Strangers Have the Best Candy"

"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"

"Some Kittens Can Fly!"

"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"

"Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"

"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of Western Eur- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"

"All Dogs Go to Hell"

"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"

"You Are Different and That's Bad"

"Pop! Goes the Hamster....and Other Great Microwave Games"

"Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets"

"The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"

"Babar Meets the Taxidermist"

"Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"

"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"

"Start a Real-Estate Empire with the Change from Your Mom's Purse"

"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"

"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"

"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead"

"Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"

"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say God Did It"

"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"

"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"

"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"

"Bi-Curious George"

"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"

“Otter”

Since: Jan 07

Oswego, NY

#9 Jun 7, 2008
FundieSmacker wrote:
<quoted text>
Okay, now these are REALLY bad:
Below is a list of children's books you'll never see in any bookstore!
"You Were an Accident"
"Strangers Have the Best Candy"
"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
"Some Kittens Can Fly!"
"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"
"Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of Western Eur- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
"All Dogs Go to Hell"
"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
"You Are Different and That's Bad"
"Pop! Goes the Hamster....and Other Great Microwave Games"
"Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets"
"The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"
"Babar Meets the Taxidermist"
"Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"
"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"
"Start a Real-Estate Empire with the Change from Your Mom's Purse"
"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"
"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead"
"Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"
"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say God Did It"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
"Bi-Curious George"
"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
you have earned the crying tears of blood face icon.
WillardsWeave

Nashville, TN

#10 Jun 7, 2008
A black man and his 7 year old son was traveling on an air plane. The stewartist came on overhead and announced there was too much weight on the plane, they would have to first throw luggage off the plane. The passengers helped toss every remaining item off the plane. A few minutes later, the stewartist came back on and announced that there was still too much weight on the plane and unfortunately they were going to have to have passengers jump off and fall to their death. The pilot came on overhead and announced the passengers would descend to their death in alphabetical order until the plane could sustain the remaining weight. So the pilot began calling passengers off in order
"African Americans"
"Black people"
"Coons"
The young boy looked at his father and said "dad arent we all of those" his father responded saying " No son, today we are N***ers"

LOL, I am black and I think this one is hilarious

“Saw 'em April 15th 1977”

Since: Mar 08

Location hidden

#12 Jun 7, 2008
Saranacotter wrote:
<quoted text>you have earned the crying tears of blood face icon.
A hat trick! Yippee!

“what is it?”

Since: Jan 08

mountain

#14 Jun 8, 2008
Make a mark here.
some of them is interesting.
LIQUEUR AND POKER

United States

#15 Jun 8, 2008
WillardsWeave wrote:
A black man and his 7 year old son was traveling on an air plane. The stewartist came on overhead and announced there was too much weight on the plane, they would have to first throw luggage off the plane. The passengers helped toss every remaining item off the plane. A few minutes later, the stewartist came back on and announced that there was still too much weight on the plane and unfortunately they were going to have to have passengers jump off and fall to their death. The pilot came on overhead and announced the passengers would descend to their death in alphabetical order until the plane could sustain the remaining weight. So the pilot began calling passengers off in order
"African Americans"
"Black people"
"Coons"
The young boy looked at his father and said "dad arent we all of those" his father responded saying " No son, today we are N***ers"
LOL, I am black and I think this one is hilarious
LMAO, that is funny

“Flarp! AKA noise putty! yay!”

Since: Jul 07

the town of my home

#16 Jun 8, 2008
A little boy walks downstairs one morning and sees his grandma reading the newspaper at the table.

"Hey Grandma, where's mommy and daddy?" He asked

"They're upstairs in bed." She replied. The boy began to giggle.

He goes outside and plays for about 2 hours, then comes back inside. He asks again,"Hey Grandma, where's mommy and daddy?"

She answers the same way, and, once again, the boy began to giggle.

At dinner, the parents were still not there so the little boy asked once more, "Grandma, where's mommy and daddy?"

She, in return, replies the same. After the boy broke into wild fits of laughter, his grandmother finally asked, "Why do you keep laughing?"

He answered, "Because last night daddy came into my room asking for vasoline and I gave him superglue!"

Since: Oct 10

Location hidden

#17 Mar 17, 2011
God, I was wondering... how long is a million years to you? "God answered, "Son, a million years to me is like a second to you. "So the man asks, "God how much is a million dollars to you? "And God answered, "Son a million dollars to me is like one penny to you. "So the man asks, "God, can I have one of your pennies? "And God answers, "Just a second son. "
joker

Kingston, Jamaica

#18 Aug 1, 2012
AN0NYM0USLY ME wrote:
God, I was wondering... how long is a million years to you? "God answered, "Son, a million years to me is like a second to you. "So the man asks, "God how much is a million dollars to you? "And God answered, "Son a million dollars to me is like one penny to you. "So the man asks, "God, can I have one of your pennies? "And God answers, "Just a second son. "
Like this joke..funny. here is one of my own

Atheist in the woods

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!
'What powerful rivers!
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him..

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.

He tripped & fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him...

At that instant the Atheist cried out,
'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?

Am I to count you as a believer?

The atheist looked directly into the light,'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

'Very well,' said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'

http://funny-stuff-1.blogspot.com/2012/02/ath...
funny stuff

Kingston, Jamaica

#19 Sep 27, 2012
The phone bill was exceptionally high. Delano called a family meeting to discuss. Delano: "This is unacceptable. I don't use the home phone, I use my work phone".

Wife: "Me too. I hardly use the home phone." Son: I use my office mobile I never use the home phone. All of them shocked and together look at the maid who's patiently listening to them.

Maid: "What? So we all use our work phones. What's the Big deal?
funny stuff

Kingston, Jamaica

#20 Sep 27, 2012
Work Phone
The phone bill was exceptionally high. Delano called a family meeting to discuss. Delano: "This is unacceptable. I don't use the home phone, I use my work phone".

Wife: "Me too. I hardly use the home phone." Son: I use my office mobile I never use the home phone. All of them shocked and together look at the maid who's patiently listening to them.

Maid: "What? So we all use our work phones. What's the Big deal? http://funny-stuff-1.blogspot.com/2012/09/wor...
Curtis Lowe

United States

#21 Sep 27, 2012
Obama walks into a bar with a duck on his head.

Bartender says, "Where'd you get that?"

Duck says, "Kenya, the place is full of them."

PESCreate

“Just a lil' humor there.....”

Since: Sep 12

OR NOT .... <[;-)

#22 Sep 27, 2012
"Doctor, Please help me," says an elderly patient. "I have silent passage of gas every morning, every after noon and in the evening. Sometimes I have silent passage of gas at unpredictable times -- for instance, just now. Doctor, can you help me?"

"Sure, I can help you," says the doctor. "But first you need your hearing check."

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