I need help understanding my boyfriend

I need help understanding my boyfriend

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inlovewithapaki

Redding, CT

#1 Sep 2, 2008
I am having a hard time understanding why my boyfriend (from Pakistan) of 2 years won't commit to our relationship. I have never met his family (which he tells me is a cultural thing), he won't let anyone know that he is in a relationship ( i assume is cultural) and he is 29 and not ready for a full commitment. Can someone help me better understand our cultural differences?? And can you give me suggestions on how to approach these differences and continue our relationship?? PLEASE!!
Don

Chico, CA

#2 Sep 2, 2008
I am not familiar with Pakistanis directly, but I have known many Saudis and people from India. For both of them, children are betrothed usually from birth to someone with whom the family is close or for some advantage (often in a dowry). It is possible, but difficult to get permission to NOT marry the betrothed, though some families would disinherit anyone who would 'disgrace the family' by not marrying.
Since your fiancee is 29 it seems likely that he is past dealing with a betrothed. To be honest, I think all you need to know is in your first sentence- he won't commit. Whether it's his family or his personal problem, he obviously isn't what you want- a commitment. There are people who are phobic about commitment, and there are players that have what they want (from you) now and don't need to change anything. I would suggest that his inability to commit is all you need to know. HE is holding something back for some reason, and it really doesn't matter what it is. Two years is enough time, sounds like time to move on- I think if you stick around for another year, you will have the same problem and same questions that you have now. Be a friend to yourself, if your best friend was in your shoes, what would you suggest to her?

“KING OF KINGS & LORD OF LORDS”

Since: Apr 08

somewhere out there

#3 Sep 2, 2008
Move on before its too late. If he loved you he would of already committed to you I think hes using you. Run as fast as you can.....

Since: Sep 08

Redding, CT

#4 Sep 2, 2008
i dont think he is using me for anything because really hes not getting anything out of it. He pays for everything and does a lot for me. I just feel like he should be at that point of his life but isn't.
Fantasies-Suck

Sacramento, CA

#5 Sep 2, 2008
How in the world can you consider him your boyfriend? I'd see mental help immediately.

Since: Sep 08

Liverpool

#6 Sep 2, 2008
Hide the keys to the corner shop...that should make him wake up and smell the bahji's.

Since: Sep 08

Redding, CT

#7 Sep 2, 2008
what part do i need mental help for??

“KING OF KINGS & LORD OF LORDS”

Since: Apr 08

somewhere out there

#8 Sep 2, 2008
inlovewithapaki wrote:
i dont think he is using me for anything because really hes not getting anything out of it. He pays for everything and does a lot for me. I just feel like he should be at that point of his life but isn't.
Honey I certinally hope hes not using you at all. But It seems to me if he was really in love with you he would introduce you to his family and marry you. If his family is not accepting of you then dont get mixed up with him because it will cause nothing but heartache especially if children are involved. Please be careful. I speak from experience.
more deaf than dumb

Indianapolis, IN

#9 Sep 2, 2008
inlovewithapaki wrote:
i dont think he is using me for anything because really hes not getting anything out of it. He pays for everything and does a lot for me. I just feel like he should be at that point of his life but isn't.
I lived with my wife for 2 1/2 years before we were married and we've been married for over 28 years now.
So just because he hasn't doesn't mean he won't...but you should be talking to him about it.

Good Luck

Since: Sep 08

Redding, CT

#10 Sep 2, 2008
thanks more deaf than dumb!! I really want to work it out but our cultural differences make it hard. I am allowing myself to give him more time to figure out what he wants because i dont want to pressure him. But i have told him that he doesnt have forever to make up his mind.

“Winchester Model 1894”

Since: Apr 07

Roy, Washington

#11 Sep 2, 2008
inlovewithapaki wrote:
thanks more deaf than dumb!! I really want to work it out but our cultural differences make it hard. I am allowing myself to give him more time to figure out what he wants because i dont want to pressure him. But i have told him that he doesnt have forever to make up his mind.
As he would probably say to you.
"Please to excuse me, can you wait a few years, or should I f**k off right away?"
Don

Chico, CA

#12 Sep 2, 2008
inlovewithapaki wrote:
thanks more deaf than dumb!! I really want to work it out but our cultural differences make it hard. I am allowing myself to give him more time to figure out what he wants because i dont want to pressure him. But i have told him that he doesnt have forever to make up his mind.
It seems like one question you have to answer for yourself is, can you handle this relationship of it doesn't or isn't ready to change (into commitment). From my experience, every time I tried to force the commitment issue, I killed the relationship- one time VERY regrettably (still saying that thirty years later).
Too often I see people get into relationships and when they really like it, they change it and go steady. Then if they like that, they change it again, and get engaged. If that works out, they change it again and get married. If you have a good relationship now, why change it? That is the question you need to answer for yourself. Would a commitment be like a guarantee? Would it give you a sense of security (in a country with a fifty percent divorce rate)?
Someone already suggested you see a counselor. I would suggest you both try one, together. The degree you're looking for is MFCC (marriage and family counseling). It is a counselor trained in human behavior, who helps you understand your part in what's going on. For now, you have a desire to change the relationship, why? He refuses to change the relationship, why? And what does that mean to you? I think you add it up to mean something about both him and about you, what are those parts? Those are the issues a counselor will cover. Many/most work on a sliding scale- they adjust fees to what you can afford, many inusrances cover all or part of it. It can't hurt to try a couple sessions and see if it helps. You have nothing to lose in this regard and this is too important an issue to not have your "best" answers.
more deaf than dumb

Indianapolis, IN

#13 Sep 2, 2008
inlovewithapaki wrote:
thanks more deaf than dumb!! I really want to work it out but our cultural differences make it hard. I am allowing myself to give him more time to figure out what he wants because i dont want to pressure him. But i have told him that he doesnt have forever to make up his mind.
Letting yourself get pregnant would be forcing him (never a good idea)...talking about how you feel is how a relationship evolves.

I don't believe the "cultural thing" line, not that I know anything about Pakistani culture, but in many cultures getting to know the parents is important. Not wanting to acknowledge (to his friends?) he's in a relationship would bother me.
But only you can decide.

Good Luck

Since: Sep 08

Liverpool

#14 Sep 3, 2008
Letting yourself get pregnant to this man would creat more victims. The victims of miscegenation are the worse kind. We already have a problem with the mixing of skin tones in this country. All of sudden the whole country will be off white !!!
Alaina

Sri Lanka

#15 Nov 3, 2008
Dear in-love-wih-a-paki,

I know exactly how u feel as i am a non-muslim in a relationship with a Kashmiri Pakistani.
U have to understand that their culture is very different. Its not normal to introduce your gf to the family or to take her out with all the mates. They like to keep their girlfriend/wife away from their friends. I don't know why. To them its a respect thing.
I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years. We live together (in the UK) and apart fro his cousins i have not met his immediate family.But that does not mean that he doesn't want marriage cos he has proposed to me 3 times, but each time i have not been ready for marriage. So I do know that he is serious and that he is thinking long-term. Therefore I don't really care about him not introducing me to everyone. You need to sit your man down and ask hi straight if you are wasting your time or if he does see a future for the 2 of you. BAse all your decisions on his reaction to this very important question. good luck! I know how tough it is.
Lou

Nashville, NC

#16 Nov 3, 2008
inlovewithapaki wrote:
I am having a hard time understanding why my boyfriend (from Pakistan) of 2 years won't commit to our relationship. I have never met his family (which he tells me is a cultural thing), he won't let anyone know that he is in a relationship ( i assume is cultural) and he is 29 and not ready for a full commitment. Can someone help me better understand our cultural differences?? And can you give me suggestions on how to approach these differences and continue our relationship?? PLEASE!!
Muslims are very strict about dating only other Muslims. Your boyfriend may have seen past this but his family most likely wont. You also have to understand that Pakistan is a hotbed of anti-Western, Jihadist sentiment. Good thing you arent a Hindu, though; it would really hit the fan then.
Anonymous

United States

#17 Nov 3, 2008
both Pakistanis and Indians smell very bad.

both have a very spicy foods. when i ate at their restaurant, i felt i was tortured from eating too much spicy foods ! it was so hot and spicy !! i did not enjoy my meal.

i have dated a few of them, Pakistanis or Indians. but i don't find them very appealing since they can not speak well English, smell very bad, and their foods are so hot and spicy.

the most appealing for me are white men.
bebe

Singapore, Singapore

#18 Nov 4, 2008
I had the same problem with my ex.. pakistani too.. but i don't think its a matter of pakistani or not, it's a matter of if he loves you enough to commit to you or not. So babe, dump him and move on with your life.. before its too late. I wasted 4 good years of my life.
mofo

Philadelphia, PA

#19 Nov 4, 2008
Does he own a Seven-Eleven? Motel?
Can you get a Slurpee with that?
Piss himoff he will cut your head off

“youbeateverythin g youknowthat ”

Since: Apr 07

Buffalo, NY

#21 Nov 22, 2008
He speaks well of you when he's porking my sister..

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