ye olde village pub

“Faith Love Hope”

Since: Nov 10

South Africa

#52238 Aug 23, 2013
Afternoon friendlies!

Friday is finally here! Whoohoo *happy dance*

“ Impulsive, bone in her teeth”

Since: Mar 08

Location hidden

#52239 Aug 23, 2013
Voyeur wrote:
FREE BEER
An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.
"Y'know" said the Scot, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's where the owner will buy your 5th drink after you buy 4."
"Well" said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ahhh that's nothing" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
The Englishman and the Scot immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims.
He swears every word is true.
"Well" said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"
"No, not me personally," said the Irishman.
"But it did happen to me sister."
Funny, and believable too.

“Incorrupta fides, nudaque veri”

Since: May 07

Vincit qui se vincit

#52240 Aug 23, 2013
Ed Teach wrote:
<quoted text>
Funny, and believable too.
lol, I need to visit that last bar!

“ Impulsive, bone in her teeth”

Since: Mar 08

Location hidden

#52241 Aug 24, 2013
Ricky F wrote:
<quoted text>lol, I need to visit that last bar!
I don't know Ricky, it may have been a 'Ladies Night Special' or something.
could get in a bit of a spot.

“ Impulsive, bone in her teeth”

Since: Mar 08

Location hidden

#52242 Aug 24, 2013
In West Melbourne last night a pizza delivery guy was counting his tips in his car when a bad guy came up with a knife and demanded the cash. after being with severe bodily hard, including possible death, the delivery guy rehabilitated the bad guy with his legal handgun.
Good guys 1
Bad guys 0
and these bung holes want to get rid of "Stand Your Ground."
Wonder whose/what's behind that?
do criminals have a union now?

“Faith Love Hope”

Since: Nov 10

South Africa

#52243 Aug 26, 2013
Morning friendlies!

Wishing all of you a great start to the week!:-)

“268th Attack Hel Bn”

Since: May 07

AH-1S Cobra

#52244 Aug 26, 2013
Good morning everyone.
Back to school day here.
Looking forward to a fun and interesting semester.

“Faith Love Hope”

Since: Nov 10

South Africa

#52245 Aug 26, 2013
Have fun at school, Rotor!

“Incorrupta fides, nudaque veri”

Since: May 07

Vincit qui se vincit

#52246 Aug 26, 2013
Ed Teach wrote:
<quoted text>
I don't know Ricky, it may have been a 'Ladies Night Special' or something.
could get in a bit of a spot.
lol!

“Incorrupta fides, nudaque veri”

Since: May 07

Vincit qui se vincit

#52247 Aug 26, 2013
Rotor Head wrote:
Good morning everyone.
Back to school day here.
Looking forward to a fun and interesting semester.
Morning Rotor, how was your weekend?

“ Impulsive, bone in her teeth”

Since: Mar 08

Location hidden

#52248 Aug 26, 2013
Rotor Head wrote:
Good morning everyone.
Back to school day here.
Looking forward to a fun and interesting semester.
Shoot for another A+ year Rotor.

“100% Princess”

Since: Jan 07

and totally harmless

#52249 Aug 26, 2013
Good morning all. Hope you guys have a good day, I feel like the white rabbit this AM.
"I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date"

<waves>

“Incorrupta fides, nudaque veri”

Since: May 07

Vincit qui se vincit

#52250 Aug 26, 2013

“Faith Love Hope”

Since: Nov 10

South Africa

#52251 Aug 26, 2013
Good morning friendlies

Twofer Tuesday. Have a good one!

“268th Attack Hel Bn”

Since: May 07

AH-1S Cobra

#52252 Aug 27, 2013
Morning folks.
So first Journalism in the 21st Century class- 70 pages of news articles to go through in 2 weeks and be prepared to discuss......
Electrical Technology this morning.

Everybody have a great day!

“ON TRAIL W / DONKEY!”

Since: Oct 08

Location hidden

#52253 Aug 27, 2013
Good Afternoon Folks!

Back with us once again right here on ye olde village pub..........is our NOT so favorite squatty body, jiggly fat, baby bottle sucking, diaper wearing dwarf Voyeur!

But before he starts his act, he wants to everyone he loves you almost as much as Donkey!

~~~~~~~~~~

IRS

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye"

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness.

He starts to get nervous.

Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

“ON TRAIL W / DONKEY!”

Since: Oct 08

Location hidden

#52254 Aug 27, 2013
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted.

A few moments passed ... "An ambulance just drove by"

A few moments later," Looks like the Anderson 's have company", he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike....."

A few moments later,'Looks like the Sanders are moving"

"Jason is on his skate board...."

A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex !!"

Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed ! Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex ?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too."

“ON TRAIL W / DONKEY!”

Since: Oct 08

Location hidden

#52255 Aug 27, 2013
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40 years ago.

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly dismissed any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been MY classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

"Yes," he replied.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1954."

"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and asked, "What did you teach?"

“ON TRAIL W / DONKEY!”

Since: Oct 08

Location hidden

#52256 Aug 27, 2013
Real 911 Calls, "BELIEVE" it or not!!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Calle r: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from th! e bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Fire or emergency?
Caller: Fire, I guess.
Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?
Caller: I was wondering.....does the Fire Dept. put snow chains on their trucks?
Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?
Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on my tires and... well.. do you think the Fire Dept. could come over and help me?
Dispatcher: Help you what?
Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Whatis the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, wher! e are you calling from?
Ca ller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

“ON TRAIL W / DONKEY!”

Since: Oct 08

Location hidden

#52257 Aug 27, 2013
Bottle Of Perfume

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.

"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.

"That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.

"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."

The clerk handed him a mirror.

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