ye olde village pub

“ON TRAIL W / DONKEY!”

Since: Oct 08

Location hidden

#52103 Aug 1, 2013
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below ...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

“ON TRAIL W / DONKEY!”

Since: Oct 08

Location hidden

#52104 Aug 1, 2013
The Nun at Hooters.

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand..."Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender "Would you like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, How about that drink?

“ON TRAIL W / DONKEY!”

Since: Oct 08

Location hidden

#52105 Aug 1, 2013
For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works.
Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman
happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Following is the official guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed:+1

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows: 0

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets:-1
----------
You leave the toilet seat up:-5

You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty: 0

When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex:-1

When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom:-2
----------
You go out to buy her extra-light panty-liners with wings:+5

In the snow:+8

But return with beer:-5

And no liners:-25
----------
You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing: 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something:+5

You pummel it with a six iron:+10

It's her cat:-40
----------
AT A PARTY

You stay by her side the entire party: 0

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy:-2

Named Tiffany:-4

Tiffany is a dancer:-10

With breast implants:-18
----------
HER BIRTHDAY

You remember her birthday: 0

You buy a card and flowers: 0

You take her out to dinner: 0

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar:+1

Okay, it is a sports bar:-2

And it's all-you-can-eat night:-3

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the
colors of your favorite team:-10
----------
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Go with a pal: 0

The pal is happily married:+1

The pal is single:-7

He drives a Ferrari:-10

With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED):-15
----------
A NIGHT OUT WITH HER:

You take her to a movie:+2

You take her to a movie she likes:+4

You take her to a movie you hate:+6

You take her to a movie you like:-2

It's called Cop 3:-3

Which features Cyborgs that eat humans:-9

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans:-15
----------

“ON TRAIL W / DONKEY!”

Since: Oct 08

Location hidden

#52106 Aug 1, 2013
YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable pot belly:-15

You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it:+10

You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts:-30

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.":-800
----------
THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"

You hesitate in responding:-10

You reply, "Where?":-35

You reply, "No, I think it's your butt":-100

You reply, "No, it's the fat that makes you look fat.":-200

Any other response:-20
----------
COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem you listen, displaying a concerned expression: 0

You listen, for over 30 minutes:+5

You relate to her problem and share a similar experience:+50

Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying, "Well, what do you think I should do?":-50

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV:+100

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep:-20
----------
You get up in the middle of the night to check out a strange noise. 0

It's your air compressor, you forgot to turn it off.-15
----------
You plan to take her to Omaoha for a long week end vacation.+50

It's the same weekend the IPMS National Convention is being held.-100
(and don't even think of the point loss if you spend more in the vendors room than she does shopping)

“ON TRAIL W / DONKEY!”

Since: Oct 08

Location hidden

#52108 Aug 1, 2013
Proper tool definitions and use

A REAL handyman already knows most of this stuff!!

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it
smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted car
part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also
removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding
heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop, on fire. Also handy
for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog **** off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you
couldn't use anyway.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-I NCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on
the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of
vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main
purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say,
the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your
shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts, last over tightened, 58 years ago by someone at ERCO, and neatly rounds off their heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50¢ part.

“ON TRAIL W / DONKEY!”

Since: Oct 08

Location hidden

#52109 Aug 1, 2013
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door;
works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines,
refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs.
It is also the next tool that you will need.

EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following
our every deficiency in foresight.

“Incorrupta fides, nudaque veri”

Since: May 07

Vincit qui se vincit

#52111 Aug 1, 2013

“searching myself”

Since: Sep 09

In Charming CA

#52112 Aug 1, 2013
Ricky F wrote:
Why don't my nuts do that???

:)

“Voters elect Big Bird”

Since: Jan 07

Dump American Eagle

#52113 Aug 1, 2013
Rotor Head wrote:
I actually thought yesterday was Tuesday.....
Shows ya what kind of week I'm having. should be some better today.
Have a good one everyone.
Psst.... Tomorrow is Friday. Just so's y'all know.

“100% Princess”

Since: Jan 07

and totally harmless

#52114 Aug 1, 2013
okimar wrote:
<quoted text>Psst.... Tomorrow is Friday. Just so's y'all know.
Hey there cute thang.... In this humble Princess's opinion, it should have been Friday 2 days ago.

“Faith Love Hope”

Since: Nov 10

South Africa

#52115 Aug 1, 2013
okimar wrote:
<quoted text>Psst.... Tomorrow is Friday. Just so's y'all know.
...and it's finally here! Happy Friday everybody!

“Faith Love Hope”

Since: Nov 10

South Africa

#52116 Aug 1, 2013
Hitesrunprincess wrote:
<quoted text>Hey there cute thang.... In this humble Princess's opinion, it should have been Friday 2 days ago.
And then a four-day weekend, just to put off going to work again on Monday for a little while longer XD

4205 (2345)- Bet it's going to be a good day

“268th Attack Hel Bn”

Since: May 07

AH-1S Cobra

#52117 Aug 2, 2013
Morning all, TGIF!!!!!

“ Impulsive, bone in her teeth”

Since: Mar 08

Location hidden

#52118 Aug 2, 2013
Hitesrunprincess wrote:
<quoted text>Hey there cute thang.... In this humble Princess's opinion, it should have been Friday 2 days ago.
It should always be Friday, except when it should be Saturday or Sunday. Depends on the season. Monday nights are good,'cause the next day would be Friday so you can enjoy the ball game and nobody expects anything from you on Friday anyway.

“ Impulsive, bone in her teeth”

Since: Mar 08

Location hidden

#52119 Aug 2, 2013
Topeka air show and DC-3/C-47 fly in and re-union this week end.
Weather wont permit our going though. Storms and tornadoes and hail. No O2 except for flight crew.
Only single stage superchargers so ceiling is to low.
So...
I'll just take my B-day party down to the river.
Fire all of your guns at once and ...

Those songs are kinda mixed up aren't they?
drinks and rooms are on me this week-end. I want ya all to be safe.

“Incorrupta fides, nudaque veri”

Since: May 07

Vincit qui se vincit

#52120 Aug 2, 2013
shovelhead72 wrote:
<quoted text>Why don't my nuts do that???
:)
lol, I'm glad my nuts don't do that! lol

“Incorrupta fides, nudaque veri”

Since: May 07

Vincit qui se vincit

#52121 Aug 2, 2013
Morning everyone!

“TEXAS ... SECEDE”

Since: Feb 08

REPUBLIC OF TEXAS

#52122 Aug 2, 2013
Ed Teach wrote:
<quoted text>
I think he was here in Viera, playing for the Manatee's to get back in shape. I think the club is split tween the Brewers and the Yankees.
Good morning, Ed ... they usually go back to Triple A or minor leagues to rehabilitate before getting back to the big leagues ... I'm just so happy he's back ... Now, A-Rod, I could give two bits about him ... he looks guilty to me, LOL ... Happy Friday, Ed ... enjoy it! FC <3 ...

“TEXAS ... SECEDE”

Since: Feb 08

REPUBLIC OF TEXAS

#52123 Aug 2, 2013
Ricky F wrote:
Morning everyone!
Morning Ricky >smiles and waves<<

“TEXAS ... SECEDE”

Since: Feb 08

REPUBLIC OF TEXAS

#52124 Aug 2, 2013
Rotor Head wrote:
Morning all, TGIF!!!!!
Morning, Rotor >mwah<

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