tell me a joke or somthing funny

tell me a joke or somthing funny

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Since: Feb 08

Sugar Land, TX

#1 Feb 24, 2008
plz
cookie monster

Manchester, IA

#3 Feb 24, 2008
The Kitchen Bitch

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 -year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now... cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train...cause we're going down the tracks.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train...but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed p laying with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say...

"All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She heard her little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

“Get over yourself...”

Since: Jan 08

You're not that important

#4 Feb 24, 2008
Two strings walk into a bar one Friday night. The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you guys a couple of strings?" "Why, yes. Is that a problem?", they reply. "Yes. We don't serve strings in here. Go away!" This happens each of the next three Friday nights at every bar they stop at. Finally, out of desparation, they try the fist bar again. Before they go in, String One wraps himself around String Two. He then proceeds to muss up his hair. They enter and take a seat at the end of the bar. The bartender comes over. "I thought I got rid of you once already. Get out of here!" String One querries, "But, sir, why can't you serve us?" The bartender bellows, "Aren't you a couple of strings?" To which String One demurely resonds, "Two strings? No, sir, we're a frayed knot!"

How was that?
Nightflyer

Canada

#5 Feb 24, 2008
A cab driver picks up a nun on Halloween night.

As they are driving along, the nun notices the driver is always looking back at her in the rearview mirror. Finally the driver speaks.

"I must confess" says the driver," there's something on my mind but I am embarrassed to say".

The nun says, "Speak your mind, nothing bothers me, I have seen and heard it all"

Driver says," Well, ok....I have had a fantasy since I was a little boy....I have always wanted to kiss a nun.

Nun says, "You can kiss me BUT you must be single and a Catholic"

Driver says " I am Catholic and single!"

So they pull over into an alley way where they begin a long kiss.

As they are driving away, the driver begins to giggle.

Nun asks, "What's so funny?"

Driver says, "Oh I'm such a liar...I must confess, I must confess. I'm actually jewish and I'm married"

Nun says, " That's ok.....actually my name is Robert and I'm dressed for a Halloween party!!"
no name

Rose Bud, AR

#6 Mar 11, 2008
both very funny

“Get over yourself...”

Since: Jan 08

You're not that important

#7 Mar 11, 2008
A bat comes home early one morning, all cut up, bruised, battered and bleeding. All the other bats ask him what happened. "I don't want to talk about it", he replied. All day and into the evening, the other bats kept at him. "What happened? What did that to you?" Finally, at dusk, the beat up bat said, "You want to know what happened?" "Yes, yes!" came the reply. "Follow me!"
Off they flew, the battered bat in the lead. After miles and miles he stopped. He turned to the others and solemnly asked, "Do you see that jagged rock over there?" "Yes", they whispered, their hearts full of fear and dread. The battered bat replied,

"Well I didn't!!!"

“Chi più sa meno crede”

Since: May 07

Bellmore

#8 Mar 11, 2008
Three women were killed in an accident and went to heaven together. St. Peter said, "there is only one rule here in heaven, DO NOT STEP ON THE DUCKS". They look around and there are ducks everywhere! The first woman steps on one right away. St. Peter approaches her and chains her to the ugliest guy she has ever seen. "I told you not to step on the ducks, now as your punishment you must spend eternity chained to this ugly man". The other two vowed to be very careful. Woman number two lasted about a week. St. Peter comes and chains her to a hideous guy. Woman three decides she will NEVER step on a duck. Six months go by without incident. One day St. Peter approaches her and shackles her to the most gorgeous man she has ever seen. "Gee, what did I do to deserve being chained to you?" she said. The gorgeous guy replied, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck".
Just An Observer

Oscoda, MI

#9 Mar 11, 2008
George Bush thinks he can still get re-elected!

Since: Jan 08

Location hidden

#10 Mar 11, 2008
It's illegal to molest a butterfly in California!

(Lame.)
joke

United States

#11 Mar 11, 2008
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Tell Me

Chester, VA

#12 Mar 11, 2008
O.K...Here goes..."A joke and something funny"
Just An Observer

Oscoda, MI

#14 Mar 12, 2008
Tell Me wrote:
O.K...Here goes..."A joke and something funny"
That was cute!(a smile!)
TAT

United States

#15 Mar 12, 2008
Ok ok ... i got one. confusion say. if man stands on toilet, he is high on pot..
MyKidsDad

Easton, PA

#16 Mar 12, 2008
Hillary and Obama both think they know how to run the USA!
TAT

United States

#17 Mar 12, 2008
Hillary being president, obama vice president.. AND Bill Being first man! WOW that is all most to scary to be funny..
TAT

United States

#18 Mar 12, 2008
Nightflyer wrote:
A cab driver picks up a nun on Halloween night.
As they are driving along, the nun notices the driver is always looking back at her in the rearview mirror. Finally the driver speaks.
"I must confess" says the driver," there's something on my mind but I am embarrassed to say".
The nun says, "Speak your mind, nothing bothers me, I have seen and heard it all"
Driver says," Well, ok....I have had a fantasy since I was a little boy....I have always wanted to kiss a nun.
Nun says, "You can kiss me BUT you must be single and a Catholic"
Driver says " I am Catholic and single!"
So they pull over into an alley way where they begin a long kiss.
As they are driving away, the driver begins to giggle.
Nun asks, "What's so funny?"
Driver says, "Oh I'm such a liar...I must confess, I must confess. I'm actually jewish and I'm married"
Nun says, " That's ok.....actually my name is Robert and I'm dressed for a Halloween party!!"
That is funny!!!!
TAT

United States

#19 Mar 12, 2008
joke wrote:
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Way to funny.lol
TAT

United States

#20 Mar 12, 2008
cookie monster wrote:
The Kitchen Bitch
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 -year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now... cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train...cause we're going down the tracks.
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train...but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed p laying with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say...
"All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She heard her little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
Love it!!! Reminds of my son!!!!!
TAT

United States

#21 Mar 12, 2008
Got to tell all of you; All these jokes are funny... Thanks....
Roger

Malden, MA

#22 Mar 12, 2008
A penguin walks into a bar. He asks the bartender "Has my father been in here?". The bartender says "I don't know...what does he look like?".

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