Why Do Some Women Marry Abusive Men?

Why Do Some Women Marry Abusive Men?

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Ocean56

AOL

#1 Jan 17, 2009
No woman wants the nightmare of an abusive man in her life, yet it happens all too often. And we see the results of such horror stories in too many news stories.

So how can women avoid these abusive losers altogether? One effective way is to read more articles or books that tell women the signs of abusive men so that women will see them immediately, and "dump the chump" before he can do any serious damage, mentally or physically.

TOP TEN SIGNS OF AN ABUSIVE MAN
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/4788...

This article is just one article that may help women spot abusive signs and determine if they are already in an abusive relationship and decide whether to stay or get out. Personally, I would get out as quickly as possible if I were involved in an abusive relationship, but that's just me.

For those who prefer books to articles, an excellent book on the subject is MEN WHO HATE WOMEN AND THE WOMEN WHO LOVE THEM, by Susan Forward, Ph.D. This book provides much greater detail about how abusers of women behave, although it can be difficult to see at first.

If you can't get access to a library right away, the internet is a great source of valuable information, which might actually save the lives of one or more women in future. Just go to " google.com ," type in "signs of an abusive man," and you'll see quite a few links that are worthwhile to check out.

No woman should have to endure the pain of abuse, be it mental, physical or sexual. The more helpful information women have on how to spot abusers, the easier it is to pass them by and avoid getting involved with them at all.

“my paradise”

Since: May 08

Location hidden

#2 Jan 17, 2009
Good post. Unfortunately, I think many women ignore the warning signs in their illusion of lust/love and think nothing bad will happen to them. Or else they think they can change the frog into a prince. Sometimes those kinds of men can be really charming until they have gained the woman's trust, and then the monster appears after marriage or children and the women feel trapped and worthless. I see it all the time in my line of work. It's a vicious cycle for both the abusers and the victims. Fear and confusion don't help them to make the right decision even if others see what's happening and try to help them out of the situation. Sometimes only court intervention can force the separation even if the abuser promises to be good and the victim relents and wants to drop charges or divorce actions.
Ocean56

AOL

#3 Jan 17, 2009
NatureLover wrote:

Good post. Unfortunately, I think many women ignore the warning signs in their illusion of lust/love and think nothing bad will happen to them. Or else they think they can change the frog into a prince. Sometimes those kinds of men can be really charming until they have gained the woman's trust, and then the monster appears after marriage or children and the women feel trapped and worthless. I see it all the time in my line of work. It's a vicious cycle for both the abusers and the victims. Fear and confusion don't help them to make the right decision even if others see what's happening and try to help them out of the situation. Sometimes only court intervention can force the separation even if the abuser promises to be good and the victim relents and wants to drop charges or divorce actions.

**********

I agree with the above, but would also add another thought. It's very possible that many women simply DON'T know what to look for, and haven't read any books or articles on how to spot these losers before they meet and/or get seriously involved with them.

While it's true that some women might just not bother reading this material, others might. Which would save them a lot of emotional and physical pain, possibly their lives. So I'll keep on trying, as it certainly can't hurt. And here, the knowledge is free.:D
andet1987

United States

#4 Jan 17, 2009
yep, these are thrill seeking type of women. oj simpson still has chicks chasing him. a lot of murderers inside prison constantly receive letters from women who are willing to marry them. i believe a lot of these type of women are sending nude pictures to Scott Peterson right now. it gives these women the highest satisfaction if they engage sex with a dangerous criminal.

“think out of the box”

Since: Apr 08

Location hidden

#5 Jan 17, 2009
Ocean56 wrote:
No woman wants the nightmare of an abusive man in her life, yet it happens all too often. And we see the results of such horror stories in too many news stories.
So how can women avoid these abusive losers altogether? One effective way is to read more articles or books that tell women the signs of abusive men so that women will see them immediately, and "dump the chump" before he can do any serious damage, mentally or physically.
TOP TEN SIGNS OF AN ABUSIVE MAN
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/4788...
This article is just one article that may help women spot abusive signs and determine if they are already in an abusive relationship and decide whether to stay or get out. Personally, I would get out as quickly as possible if I were involved in an abusive relationship, but that's just me.
For those who prefer books to articles, an excellent book on the subject is MEN WHO HATE WOMEN AND THE WOMEN WHO LOVE THEM, by Susan Forward, Ph.D. This book provides much greater detail about how abusers of women behave, although it can be difficult to see at first.
If you can't get access to a library right away, the internet is a great source of valuable information, which might actually save the lives of one or more women in future. Just go to " google.com ," type in "signs of an abusive man," and you'll see quite a few links that are worthwhile to check out.
No woman should have to endure the pain of abuse, be it mental, physical or sexual. The more helpful information women have on how to spot abusers, the easier it is to pass them by and avoid getting involved with them at all.
Great post and thread Ocean! Good to see you!

I have a very good friend who grew up in an abusive/oppressive household. So much so that she refused to learn how to cook, as she literally saw that as an enslavement.

I taught her how to cook at 35.

She ended up in a terribly abusive relationship in high school and into college - she was brutally raped, repeatedly, in the shower - dragged out naked, after, and held by her ankles 7 stories high, out the window.

He nearly killed her a number of times - she would wear turtle necks in the summer, in HS, and her parents wouldn't say a thing.

When I met her, at 33, she was a broken woman with very little recollection of what had happened, considering ALL that did happen, with 3 small little girls and total nervous wreck.

Moving back to CT,(she grew up in New Canaan) started bringing back more and more memories - she finally sought therapy and did SO MUCH work, with the support of one of her sisters (the other is an an abusive marriage) and friends.

Her husband (who has since died of heart failure - at 41) was a very kind and gentle man - passive to the point where he really did kill himself early by not taking care of health issues he KNEW would kill him and leave her with 3 small children.

She left him because of that - fearing he would die and one of the girls would find him - and he died a year later.

Now - nearly 10 years later, she is healed and devotes her life to lecturing at high schools, women's/parent's groups, prisons and police stations about DV, the warning signs, the most effective methods to deal with the woman/girl/boy facing such issues.

If she still weren't in hiding from the abuser, I would write her in to some great show with a huge financial award (no life insurance) as one of my biggest, most admired heroes.

She currently works full time with the DVCC of CT.

“think out of the box”

Since: Apr 08

Location hidden

#6 Jan 17, 2009
andet1987 wrote:
yep, these are thrill seeking type of women. oj simpson still has chicks chasing him. a lot of murderers inside prison constantly receive letters from women who are willing to marry them. i believe a lot of these type of women are sending nude pictures to Scott Peterson right now. it gives these women the highest satisfaction if they engage sex with a dangerous criminal.
Isn't that the craziest thing!?!?

THAT is just downright nutty! Those chickies have some serious freakin issues!

Its a total phenomenon!
andet1987

United States

#7 Jan 17, 2009
paintedquote wrote:
<quoted text>
Isn't that the craziest thing!?!?
THAT is just downright nutty! Those chickies have some serious freakin issues!
Its a total phenomenon!
yes, they have issues. they are attracted to dangerous situations. these are the ones who probably love to be abused.

“think out of the box”

Since: Apr 08

Location hidden

#8 Jan 17, 2009
andet1987 wrote:
<quoted text>
yes, they have issues. they are attracted to dangerous situations. these are the ones who probably love to be abused.
Its too bad, too because its women like that who make it harder for women who really are abused to be taken seriously.

Its like people who lie about being raped. Having been a rape victim, myself, I have a really f*cking big issue with that.

“think out of the box”

Since: Apr 08

Location hidden

#9 Jan 17, 2009
andet1987 wrote:
<quoted text>
yes, they have issues. they are attracted to dangerous situations. these are the ones who probably love to be abused.
BTW, Andette - have you seen our Rainin around?

She's been hard to track down as of late and we're missing hearing from her.
andet1987

United States

#10 Jan 17, 2009
paintedquote wrote:
<quoted text>
BTW, Andette - have you seen our Rainin around?
She's been hard to track down as of late and we're missing hearing from her.
really ? oh my, i hope she is ok. i spoke to her about 3 or 4 weeks ago. she complained of being in a purgatory, she tried to post yet nobody responded to her. she was the only one who could see her posts, so nobody responded to her. it happened to me one time too.
Rebecca

United States

#11 Jan 17, 2009
they become used to the same kind of men their father's were.
Ocean56

AOL

#12 Jan 17, 2009
paintedquote wrote:
<quoted text>
Great post and thread Ocean! Good to see you!
I have a very good friend who grew up in an abusive/oppressive household. So much so that she refused to learn how to cook, as she literally saw that as an enslavement.
I taught her how to cook at 35.
She ended up in a terribly abusive relationship in high school and into college - she was brutally raped, repeatedly, in the shower - dragged out naked, after, and held by her ankles 7 stories high, out the window.
He nearly killed her a number of times - she would wear turtle necks in the summer, in HS, and her parents wouldn't say a thing.
When I met her, at 33, she was a broken woman with very little recollection of what had happened, considering ALL that did happen, with 3 small little girls and total nervous wreck.
Moving back to CT,(she grew up in New Canaan) started bringing back more and more memories - she finally sought therapy and did SO MUCH work, with the support of one of her sisters (the other is an an abusive marriage) and friends.
Her husband (who has since died of heart failure - at 41) was a very kind and gentle man - passive to the point where he really did kill himself early by not taking care of health issues he KNEW would kill him and leave her with 3 small children.
She left him because of that - fearing he would die and one of the girls would find him - and he died a year later.
Now - nearly 10 years later, she is healed and devotes her life to lecturing at high schools, women's/parent's groups, prisons and police stations about DV, the warning signs, the most effective methods to deal with the woman/girl/boy facing such issues.
If she still weren't in hiding from the abuser, I would write her in to some great show with a huge financial award (no life insurance) as one of my biggest, most admired heroes.
She currently works full time with the DVCC of CT.
Hi PQ, good to see you too, and thanks for the kind words. I feel so badly for your friend, whose sad and terrifying upbringing probably made her a prime target for the first abuser she came across. I am very glad she escaped that low-life creep, and has finally healed. Too many women never escape (even one is too many IMO) and are eventually killed by their abusers.

It's amazing to me how many people judge women so harshly for ending up with these losers and never consider the possibility that they might NOT have had the information they needed to spot and avoid them to begin with. Even if some women aren't abused physically, there is still verbal abuse, which is just as bad.

I recommend all women read some of the articles and books on this subject before they get into their next relationship if they aren't in one already. The way I see it, there's no such thing as "too much information" when it comes to protecting ourselves from danger.
PaintedQuote

AOL

#13 Jan 17, 2009
Ocean56 wrote:
<quoted text>
Hi PQ, good to see you too, and thanks for the kind words. I feel so badly for your friend, whose sad and terrifying upbringing probably made her a prime target for the first abuser she came across. I am very glad she escaped that low-life creep, and has finally healed. Too many women never escape (even one is too many IMO) and are eventually killed by their abusers.
It's amazing to me how many people judge women so harshly for ending up with these losers and never consider the possibility that they might NOT have had the information they needed to spot and avoid them to begin with. Even if some women aren't abused physically, there is still verbal abuse, which is just as bad.
I recommend all women read some of the articles and books on this subject before they get into their next relationship if they aren't in one already. The way I see it, there's no such thing as "too much information" when it comes to protecting ourselves from danger.
The key is education and role modeling.

Girls and boys need to be taught the right ways to behave from a very young age and they need to be taught how to interact with each other in a safe and respectful way early, too.

And, if nothing else, they have to have seminars on this in all high schools, if not middle schools.
Ocean56

AOL

#14 Jan 17, 2009
PaintedQuote wrote:
<quoted text>
The key is education and role modeling.
Girls and boys need to be taught the right ways to behave from a very young age and they need to be taught how to interact with each other in a safe and respectful way early, too.
And, if nothing else, they have to have seminars on this in all high schools, if not middle schools.
I completely agree, but I don't think that's being done in schools now, at least not on as wide a scale as it should.

Until this kind of education and role-modeling is widely available, in schools and other areas, here are some questions that could be useful in helping women spot serious warning signs:

1. What do you really know about the man you wish to marry or are currently living with?

2. What attracted you to him?

3. Does he insist on making all the decisions about what you will do or where you will go?

4. How does he typically react to your going anywhere by yourself?

5. Has he always been attracted to a certain "type" of woman? What are his physical "preferences?"

6. Has he insisted that you change any part of your appearance, such as hair color, facial features or breast size?

7. Do his moods shift suddenly; calm one minute, in a violent rage the next?

8. Has he pressured you to move with him, far from your family and friends?

9. Does he insist that he always drive?

10. Is he jealous of the time you spend with family members?

11. Does he make insulting comments about your family and friends?

12. How often does he hit you? What excuses does he give for his behavior? Does he blame you for his outbursts?

13. Does he often accuse you of "flirting" if you so much as talk to a male friend, co-worker, or politeness to a total stranger? Do you see his uncontrollable jealousy as a sign of how much he loves you?

14. Are members of his own family uneasy around him, or even afraid of him?

15. Does he make promises he never keeps?

16. Has he ever threatened to harm you or family members if you leave him?

17. Has he repeatedly been arrested for assault on other women or men?

18. Does he often leave you without money or a car?

19. Does he insist you be extremely thin, and keep to a specific weight?

20. Are you constantly worried about setting him off?

21. Has he convinced you that you cannot survive without him?

22. Does he treat you as a person or a possession?

23. Does he humiliate and insult you in front of friends and family?

24. Does he control all the money in your relationship?

25. Does he blame you for everything that goes wrong in his life or yours?

26. Is he addicted to alcohol or drugs?

27. Has he asked you more than once to quit your job so he can "take care of you?"

28. Does he control visits to and from your family?

29. Has he pushed you into taking drugs, and if so, did you take them just to avoid getting hit?

30. Does he call family and friends to check where you are?

Answering these questions could be the hardest thing you ever do, but it could also mean the very real difference between life and death. If you think being murdered by a boyfriend or spouse could never happen to you, think again. Read one or all of the books by true crime writer Ann Rule. In each case, the victim believed the same.

A Rose For Her Grave
Dead By Sunset
Empty Promises
Ocean56

AOL

#15 Jan 17, 2009
Rebecca

they become used to the same kind of men their father's were.

**********

So don't you believe these women deserve BETTER than what they grew up with? I certainly do.

“Now I know how strong I can be”

Since: May 07

Marthastown

#16 Jan 17, 2009
The warning signs are very hard to see sometimes.
Your man asks you to wear your hair down instead of up, or to wear a certain outfit. He says he wants steak for dinner, he gives you a list of what to but at the grocery store, he thinks your big sister is condescending to you. Most people would not think anything of these things, but if the man is an emotional, mentally abusive man they are warnings, but you don't see it that way til your in very deep. By the time you realize what is going on you don't have such an easy way out. You let him make all those little decisions in the beginning because they don't seem like such a big deal, and when you get to one that is a big deal, well you get in a fight and you think it is just a fight and that you will make up and it won't happen again, but it does and you keep thinking that if you explain things better then he will understand and not treat you like that and then your in the mindset of "it's that I'm not explaining things good enough" which is the beginning of the end of your self-esteem, and he sees this and whittles it away even more and then you have all those people who say "I would never put up with that, just leave, why don't you just get out?" basically saying to the woman:"You are weak for staying" so the woman thinks even less of herself and now has children to support and no way to do it, It takes every bit of her energy to wake up and face the day, she has nothing left to fight with, she is numb and her only defense is adaptation.
Ocean56

AOL

#17 Jan 18, 2009
carbon wrote:
The warning signs are very hard to see sometimes.
Your man asks you to wear your hair down instead of up, or to wear a certain outfit. He says he wants steak for dinner, he gives you a list of what to but at the grocery store, he thinks your big sister is condescending to you. Most people would not think anything of these things, but if the man is an emotional, mentally abusive man they are warnings, but you don't see it that way til your in very deep. By the time you realize what is going on you don't have such an easy way out. You let him make all those little decisions in the beginning because they don't seem like such a big deal, and when you get to one that is a big deal, well you get in a fight and you think it is just a fight and that you will make up and it won't happen again, but it does and you keep thinking that if you explain things better then he will understand and not treat you like that and then your in the mindset of "it's that I'm not explaining things good enough" which is the beginning of the end of your self-esteem, and he sees this and whittles it away even more and then you have all those people who say "I would never put up with that, just leave, why don't you just get out?" basically saying to the woman:"You are weak for staying" so the woman thinks even less of herself and now has children to support and no way to do it, It takes every bit of her energy to wake up and face the day, she has nothing left to fight with, she is numb and her only defense is adaptation.
I agree with everything you have just said, and this is precisely why women NEED to read as much information as we can, to PREVENT this cycle of violence from repeating over and over again.

The articles and books are out there, the problem is that they aren't being read enough, which means that too many women are NOT getting this valuable information. I realize how difficult it is for any woman to acknowledge the fact that she may be involved with -- or worse, married to -- an abusive man, but it can happen so easily when we go into any relationship ignorant of the facts.

I missed the warning signs myself, in my first and only marriage, and I wish I had read the books that were available at the time. Although my ex was not physically abusive, thank goodness, I realized he was verbally abusive, very free with the put-downs, and was very controlling to boot, especially where money was concerned. I had one child by choice with him, and I am very thankful I didn't have more. Although he pressured me hard to have more after DS started school full time. I am very happy I kept refusing, and that I am no longer living with him. We split when DS was eight years old, and you can bet I took him with me.

I know some people disagree, and can understand why. However, I strongly believe that only by having the knowledge we must have beforehand will more women be able to spot the abusive losers and avoid or dump them before they can inflict serious damage on women's minds and bodies.
Ocean56

AOL

#18 Jan 18, 2009
So no one has to go back to the first page to get this link, I'll try to post it more frequently. If for some reason the link doesn't work, go to Google.com and type in the title below. That article will come up, plus many other links in addition to it.

TOP TEN SIGNS OF AN ABUSIVE MAN
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/4788 ...
Ocean56

AOL

#19 Jan 18, 2009
Here are two more website links with great information.

WARNING SIGNS OF ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS
http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/abusive_s...

WARNING SIGNS OF AN ABUSIVE PERSONALITY
http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Abuser/signs.htm

If you want even more information, go to Google.com and type in "signs of an abusive man," or "signs of abusive relationships." It's a great way to get the information you need, without having to go anywhere.

“Now I know how strong I can be”

Since: May 07

Marthastown

#20 Jan 18, 2009
Ocean56 wrote:
<quoted text>
I agree with everything you have just said, and this is precisely why women NEED to read as much information as we can, to PREVENT this cycle of violence from repeating over and over again.
The articles and books are out there, the problem is that they aren't being read enough, which means that too many women are NOT getting this valuable information. I realize how difficult it is for any woman to acknowledge the fact that she may be involved with -- or worse, married to -- an abusive man, but it can happen so easily when we go into any relationship ignorant of the facts.
I missed the warning signs myself, in my first and only marriage, and I wish I had read the books that were available at the time. Although my ex was not physically abusive, thank goodness, I realized he was verbally abusive, very free with the put-downs, and was very controlling to boot, especially where money was concerned. I had one child by choice with him, and I am very thankful I didn't have more. Although he pressured me hard to have more after DS started school full time. I am very happy I kept refusing, and that I am no longer living with him. We split when DS was eight years old, and you can bet I took him with me.
I know some people disagree, and can understand why. However, I strongly believe that only by having the knowledge we must have beforehand will more women be able to spot the abusive losers and avoid or dump them before they can inflict serious damage on women's minds and bodies.
I agree that children need to be educated on this at a young age. Not graphically in grade school, but we teach children what inappropriate touching is, so why shouldn't we teach them what is unacceptable in a relationship?

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