created by: CitizenTopix | Oct 11, 2010

Oklahoma

1,445 votes

OK Health Care Freedom Amendment, State Question 756

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36,941 - 36,960 of 75,028 Comments Last updated 26 min ago
Packing Heat

Red Oak, TX

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#37813
Apr 3, 2013
 

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Zane returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Maddy that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Zane went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Maddy agreed and again they made love.

Later, Zane was getting into bed when he realised he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Maddy's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Zane, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Zane, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."
Zane

Red Oak, TX

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#37814
Apr 3, 2013
 

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A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO, Packing Heat. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.

The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $300 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks... "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
Bluebird

Red Oak, TX

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#37815
Apr 3, 2013
 

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Zane is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?" Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job." Zane says, "500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy Moly!

No hand-job is worth that kind of money!" The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?" "Yes." "Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?" "Yes." "And beyond that - Do you see that third Denny's?" "Yes." "Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500." Zane says, "What the hell? You only live once, I'll give it a try."

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, Zane is sitting on the bed realising that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1000?" The hooker replies, "$1500." "$1500!? My God! No blow-job could be worth that! A televangelist wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!" The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1500." Zane, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.

He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?" The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?" Zane says, in awe, "My Lord, you own the whole city?" The hooker replies, "No. But I would if I had a pus*sy.
Donnie

United States

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#37816
Apr 3, 2013
 

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Zane wrote:
<quoted text>
IRANIAN MUSLIM BUSTED
After repeated reports of animal abuse filed at the Sheriff's department resulted in an uncover sting on area business owner. Officers were shocked to find and area home located in a OKC suburbs, to house multiple female goats many were of the Nubian breed, a diary breed. Goats were place in small cubicles some hadn't left the cubicles for weeks. Local vets were contacted and volunteered their time free of charge to examine the animals. The animals were immediately released from cramped dirty cubicles and placed in a roomy holding area with hay and fresh water. Vets said the animals in the cages look to be young between 4 to 6 months old and all female.
What has authorities scratching their heads is a small room built inside the small barn. When officers entered the room they were astonished to find a mirror disco ball hanging from the rafters and 4 velvet padded straps with leather and Velcro double restraints bolted into the wall. Included in this room were incense holders and several speakers. A large fishing tackle box was full of adult sex toys. Officers observed a small amount of blood on the floor which forensic techs collected for testing. All animals have been transferred to a local rancher's property until a decision can be made for proper placement.
Sheriff and lead detective interviewed property owner's wife and she claimed the female goats were a hobby of her husband and she pleaded with officers not to take her husband's "babies". When asked if she ever observed improper care or inappropriate behavior toward the animals she replied she never went to the barn that was her husband's "man cave" and she respected his privacy. Detective's told her several complaints from neighbors about strange music and loudly bleating goats could be heard the property owner's wife claimed she hadn't heard anything since she was watching her favorite show Rachel Maddow.
Sheriff said after completion of investigation and lab reports on blood, a determination will be made if charges will be filed.
Updates to follow.
LOL
JAG

Red Oak, TX

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#37817
Apr 3, 2013
 

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Zane was a gentleman living in a small town in Oklahoma who had a stomach disorder that required him to drink the milk of a nursing mother.

Well, there weren't too many women in the town that were nursing babies and even fewer who would agree to allow a grown man to suck on their breast. But low and behold, the poor Idiot finally found a rather buxom young girl who had recently given birth and was willing to help him out--for a price.

Zane was desperate because his condition was growing worse, so he agreed to pay the woman the amount of money she demanded. After all, the woman had a newborn baby to care for and the father had abandoned them to their fate like most okie men. The first day was a bit awkward as the man showed up and, with a bit of anxiety and embarrassment, leaned over and began to suckle the woman's breast. Well, weeks went by and the awkwardness began to fade. One day, the woman realised that Zane's suckling was beginning to arouse her sexually.

It became almost unbearable and finally, in a sensuous voice, she said, "Is there anything else you'd like?" Zane paused in his suckling for a moment, looked up at her, and said, "Yeah, got any cookies?"
Packing Heat

Red Oak, TX

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#37818
Apr 3, 2013
 

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Zane was 80, she was 20. It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl. After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying: "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The following year the young bride gave birth again. The same nurse said "You are truly amazing. How do you do it?" Again he said "You've got to keep the old motor running."

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse then said: "Well, well, well, you certainly are quite a man!" He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The nurse then said "Well, you better change the oil. This one's black!"
Marcus

Red Oak, TX

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#37819
Apr 3, 2013
 

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Zane appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," Zane offered. "On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or you'll answer to me!"

St. Peter was impressed: "When did this happen?" "Just a couple of minutes ago...
JAG

Red Oak, TX

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#37820
Apr 3, 2013
 

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Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home. Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60- year-old Marcus. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old Packing Heat. When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old Zane, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old. "No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?" "No, I have one every morning at 6:30." With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"

Zane said, "I don't wake up until 7:00."
Misty

Red Oak, TX

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#37821
Apr 3, 2013
 

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Walking into the bar, Zane said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one. I just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said JAG "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Zane replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under that bed, you little chicken sh!t!".
Misty

Red Oak, TX

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#37822
Apr 3, 2013
 

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Picture a beautiful Oklahoma Morning on the beach, the sun has just risen over Thunderbird Lake, the sand pure white, the Lake a beautiful shimmering blue with the morning sun shining over it.

A stunning young blonde Misty is jogging along the beach in very brief Puma shorts and a crop top that barely covers her voluptuous breasts. A mile or so down the beach jogging in the opposite direction is a young (mid twenties) fit looking young Zane. He's wearing just jogging shorts. As he is jogging, in the distance his eye catches a glimpse of something on the sand.

As he jogs further he sees it's yellow. He gets closer and closer and discovers it's a tennis ball. He stops, picks it up and discovers that it is a new tennis ball. He thinks, hey a wind fall. He doesn't want to carry it and having no pockets he just stuffs it down his shorts and continues jogging.

A short while later as Misty jogging in the opposite directions draws closer, from a distance she can see the bulge in his shorts. She gets to within twenty feet and stops dead in her tracks and stares at his crotch fascinated. When Zane is just in front of her he sees she is staring at his crotch so he stops. She points at the bulge in his crotch and exclaims, "What's That!" He says, "It's A Tennis Ball"

She replies... "Geez, I bet that's painful, I had tennis elbow once and that really hurt like hell!"
Packing Heat

Red Oak, TX

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#37823
Apr 3, 2013
 

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Zane met Maddy in a nightclub. They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Maddy invited Zane to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.

Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other. After a short while, Maddy began tenderly stroking Zane's manhood.

Surprised but appreciative, Zane comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more? Maddy replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine... "
Donnie

Red Oak, TX

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#37824
Apr 3, 2013
 

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Zane and his father were in the new shopping mall for the first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that could open and move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't quite know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an ugly, fat, old lady moved up to the wall and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady strolled in between them into a very small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the door light up.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and began to light up in reverse order. Finally the walls opened up and a gorgeous 24 year old blonde stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young blonde, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."
Maddy

Red Oak, TX

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#37825
Apr 3, 2013
 

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A retardpublican Zane happens across a frog in the road.

The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a week".

The retard shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket.

A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give you great sex for a week".

The Retard nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.

A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!".

The Retard smiles and walks on.

Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?"

"I'm a retardpublican," he replies. "I don't have time for sex... but a talking frog is pretty cool."
Misty

Red Oak, TX

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#37826
Apr 3, 2013
 

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Zane scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone. He approached her and asked her name.

"My name is Maddy," she told him.

"That's beautiful," he said. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men.

What's your name?" she asked. "Beerpussy," he replied.
Zane

Red Oak, TX

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#37827
Apr 3, 2013
 

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Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk... Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon.

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk... Specificity; British Constitution; Passive-aggressive disorder; Transubstantiate.

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...

"Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you".

"Nope, no more booze for me".

"Sorry, but you're not really my type".

"Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?".

"I'm not interested in fighting you".

"Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing"

"Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool".

"Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street".

"I must be going home now as I have work in the morning".

"I'm sure your butt is firm, I'll take your word on that".
JAG

Red Oak, TX

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#37828
Apr 3, 2013
 

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A blood lab technician calls to give information to Mr. Zane about his recent blood test, but Mrs. Zane answers the phone.

The lab technician says, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your husband to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Zane were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it's either bad news or terrible news!"

"What do you mean?" said Mrs. Zane. "Well, one Mr. Zane tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's test is."

"That's terrible!" said Mrs. Zane. "Can we do the test over?" "Normally, yes. But you have Blue Cross Health Care, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

"What am I supposed to do now?" said Mrs. Zane.

"Blue Cross Health Care recommends that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
TAMARA

Red Oak, TX

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#37829
Apr 3, 2013
 

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The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls". I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning Zane asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. sh!t.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
Marcus

Red Oak, TX

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#37830
Apr 3, 2013
 

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Zane applies for a job, but the foreman won't employ him until he passes a little math test.

"Here's your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" Zane says, "Dat is easy." and proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Haven't you got a brain? Tree and tree and tree makes nine," says Zane.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Apply the same rules using the number 99, this time."

Zane stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Dere you go."

The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat equals 99."

The boss starts getting worried that he's actually going to have to give this Idiot the job, so he says, "All right, final question: same rules again, but represent the number 100."

Zane stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Dere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the illustration and bursts out: "You must be stupid if you think that represents a hundred!"

Whereby Zane leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree, saying: "A little dog came along and crapped by each tree. So now you've got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat makes one hundred... So, when do I be starting the job?!"
Donnie

Red Oak, TX

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#37831
Apr 3, 2013
 

Judged:

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Once there was an Indian his given name was "Onestone," so named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone! After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone."
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night but, Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

And what is the moral of this story? "You can't kill two birds with one stone."
Packing Heat

Red Oak, TX

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#37832
Apr 3, 2013
 

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It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

Weatherman Zane replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

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