OK Health Care Freedom Amendment, Sta...

OK Health Care Freedom Amendment, State Question 756

Created by CitizenTopix on Oct 11, 2010

1,604 votes

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Misty

United States

#37803 Apr 3, 2013
Maddy was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Jangles.

So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Jangles said 'OK take off all your crose.' The woman did as she was told.'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room.'

Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Jangles then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' So she did.

Dr.Jangles shook his head slowly and said 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.'

Worried, the woman asked anxiously,'Oh my God Dr. Jangles, what is Ed Zachary Disease?'

Dr. Jangles sighed deeply and replied 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your azz.'
Jangles

United States

#37804 Apr 3, 2013
Two gay Okie Log Cabin Republic He/she/its decide to have a baby.

They mix their sperm, and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated.

When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one is smiling serenely.

A nurse comes by and to the gays' delight she points out the happy child as theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" one fruitcake says to the other. "All these unhappy children and ours is so happy."

The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now. But just watch what happens when we take the pacifier out of his Azz."
Donnie

United States

#37805 Apr 3, 2013
Packing Heat finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life, until the boat sinks. He finds himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" "I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you." "Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw materials I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-but, that's impossible," stutters Ed. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." Ed is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please. Would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "Wow! This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..."

She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing: "You mean... ", he swallows excitedly, "I can check my e-mail!?"
Donnie

United States

#37806 Apr 3, 2013
A virile, young Okie man was relaxing at his favourite bar in Oklahoma City, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom for sex.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So... You finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No." Surprised, the young man reached for her and the love-making resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The love-making ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks, "You finish?" And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. The exhausted Italian falls onto his back, gasping.

Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?" Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian!"
Maddy

United States

#37807 Apr 3, 2013
Marcus's car breaks down on rural country road. It's raining cats and dogs He gets out and discovers that his spare tyre is flat. He sees a farmhouse on a hill. He begins to walk. The rain keeps pelting down. He walks up to the door and knocks. No answer. The lights are on someone seems home. He walks around the back to see if there is another door. He suddenly see's shadows flickering in one of the windows. He moves closer and peers in.

In the corner of the room stands a large plump naked woman. She is squeezing both large breasts firmly. His gaze follows hers. In the other corner is another naked form. It's a man, holding an umbrella and masturbating with vigour. The traveller decides to leave this little happening uninterrupted and trudges back down the road to his stranded car.

The lights of an approaching car suddenly appear and he flags it down. Assistance at last. The driver of the car is a local and proceeds to help him with his flat. The traveller's mind is still dwelling on the farmhouse on the hill. He decides to tell of his trip.

"You know I knocked on the door and no answer, walked around the back, looked in the window and saw two naked people, the woman squeezing her breasts and some dude masturbating under an umbrella"

"Ahh!" says the local "That'll be farmer Jangles and his wife", "Their both deaf, she's telling him it's time to milk the cows, and he's telling her to go get fuc***ked because it's raining!"
Maddy

United States

#37808 Apr 3, 2013
Packing Heat is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned: It will not work again for another year.

Packing Heat rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123" and suddenly he has the most gigantic erection ever, just as the medicine man had promised.

His wife, who had been facing away from him, turns over and asks, "What did you say '123' for?
Zane

United States

#37809 Apr 3, 2013
A Repig was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Repig cried out "Oh my God!..." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the Repig, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The Repig looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw... brought both paws together... bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
Zane

United States

#37810 Apr 3, 2013
Maddy was walking down the street when she was approached by a liberal man.

The man said, "I want to have SEX with you right now! I'll drop 500 dollars on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I will screw you from behind and be on my way!"

The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the mans proposition.

Her girlfriend said "When he drops the $500 on the ground I’m sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."

An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back.

What happened?" the girlfriend asked.

The lady said "That Son-Of-A-Bitch had $500 in quarters!"
Zane

United States

#37811 Apr 3, 2013
Justaminute wrote:
You guys crack me up. Later. You can come from your bunkers now.
IRANIAN MUSLIM BUSTED
After repeated reports of animal abuse filed at the Sheriff's department resulted in an uncover sting on area business owner. Officers were shocked to find and area home located in a OKC suburbs, to house multiple female goats many were of the Nubian breed, a diary breed. Goats were place in small cubicles some hadn't left the cubicles for weeks. Local vets were contacted and volunteered their time free of charge to examine the animals. The animals were immediately released from cramped dirty cubicles and placed in a roomy holding area with hay and fresh water. Vets said the animals in the cages look to be young between 4 to 6 months old and all female.

What has authorities scratching their heads is a small room built inside the small barn. When officers entered the room they were astonished to find a mirror disco ball hanging from the rafters and 4 velvet padded straps with leather and Velcro double restraints bolted into the wall. Included in this room were incense holders and several speakers. A large fishing tackle box was full of adult sex toys. Officers observed a small amount of blood on the floor which forensic techs collected for testing. All animals have been transferred to a local rancher's property until a decision can be made for proper placement.

Sheriff and lead detective interviewed property owner's wife and she claimed the female goats were a hobby of her husband and she pleaded with officers not to take her husband's "babies". When asked if she ever observed improper care or inappropriate behavior toward the animals she replied she never went to the barn that was her husband's "man cave" and she respected his privacy. Detective's told her several complaints from neighbors about strange music and loudly bleating goats could be heard the property owner's wife claimed she hadn't heard anything since she was watching her favorite show Rachel Maddow.

Sheriff said after completion of investigation and lab reports on blood, a determination will be made if charges will be filed.

Updates to follow.
Marcus

United States

#37812 Apr 3, 2013
Zane wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Zane looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table.

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!" So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Zane asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door." Confused, Zane asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Ma dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone! I’m married!"
Packing Heat

United States

#37813 Apr 3, 2013
Zane returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Maddy that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Zane went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Maddy agreed and again they made love.

Later, Zane was getting into bed when he realised he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Maddy's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Zane, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Zane, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."
Zane

United States

#37814 Apr 3, 2013
A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO, Packing Heat. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.

The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $300 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks... "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
Bluebird

United States

#37815 Apr 3, 2013
Zane is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?" Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job." Zane says, "500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy Moly!

No hand-job is worth that kind of money!" The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?" "Yes." "Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?" "Yes." "And beyond that - Do you see that third Denny's?" "Yes." "Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500." Zane says, "What the hell? You only live once, I'll give it a try."

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, Zane is sitting on the bed realising that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1000?" The hooker replies, "$1500." "$1500!? My God! No blow-job could be worth that! A televangelist wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!" The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1500." Zane, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.

He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?" The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?" Zane says, in awe, "My Lord, you own the whole city?" The hooker replies, "No. But I would if I had a pus*sy.
Donnie

United States

#37816 Apr 3, 2013
Zane wrote:
<quoted text>
IRANIAN MUSLIM BUSTED
After repeated reports of animal abuse filed at the Sheriff's department resulted in an uncover sting on area business owner. Officers were shocked to find and area home located in a OKC suburbs, to house multiple female goats many were of the Nubian breed, a diary breed. Goats were place in small cubicles some hadn't left the cubicles for weeks. Local vets were contacted and volunteered their time free of charge to examine the animals. The animals were immediately released from cramped dirty cubicles and placed in a roomy holding area with hay and fresh water. Vets said the animals in the cages look to be young between 4 to 6 months old and all female.
What has authorities scratching their heads is a small room built inside the small barn. When officers entered the room they were astonished to find a mirror disco ball hanging from the rafters and 4 velvet padded straps with leather and Velcro double restraints bolted into the wall. Included in this room were incense holders and several speakers. A large fishing tackle box was full of adult sex toys. Officers observed a small amount of blood on the floor which forensic techs collected for testing. All animals have been transferred to a local rancher's property until a decision can be made for proper placement.
Sheriff and lead detective interviewed property owner's wife and she claimed the female goats were a hobby of her husband and she pleaded with officers not to take her husband's "babies". When asked if she ever observed improper care or inappropriate behavior toward the animals she replied she never went to the barn that was her husband's "man cave" and she respected his privacy. Detective's told her several complaints from neighbors about strange music and loudly bleating goats could be heard the property owner's wife claimed she hadn't heard anything since she was watching her favorite show Rachel Maddow.
Sheriff said after completion of investigation and lab reports on blood, a determination will be made if charges will be filed.
Updates to follow.
LOL
JAG

United States

#37817 Apr 3, 2013
Zane was a gentleman living in a small town in Oklahoma who had a stomach disorder that required him to drink the milk of a nursing mother.

Well, there weren't too many women in the town that were nursing babies and even fewer who would agree to allow a grown man to suck on their breast. But low and behold, the poor Idiot finally found a rather buxom young girl who had recently given birth and was willing to help him out--for a price.

Zane was desperate because his condition was growing worse, so he agreed to pay the woman the amount of money she demanded. After all, the woman had a newborn baby to care for and the father had abandoned them to their fate like most okie men. The first day was a bit awkward as the man showed up and, with a bit of anxiety and embarrassment, leaned over and began to suckle the woman's breast. Well, weeks went by and the awkwardness began to fade. One day, the woman realised that Zane's suckling was beginning to arouse her sexually.

It became almost unbearable and finally, in a sensuous voice, she said, "Is there anything else you'd like?" Zane paused in his suckling for a moment, looked up at her, and said, "Yeah, got any cookies?"
Packing Heat

United States

#37818 Apr 3, 2013
Zane was 80, she was 20. It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl. After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying: "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The following year the young bride gave birth again. The same nurse said "You are truly amazing. How do you do it?" Again he said "You've got to keep the old motor running."

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse then said: "Well, well, well, you certainly are quite a man!" He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The nurse then said "Well, you better change the oil. This one's black!"
Marcus

United States

#37819 Apr 3, 2013
Zane appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," Zane offered. "On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or you'll answer to me!"

St. Peter was impressed: "When did this happen?" "Just a couple of minutes ago...
JAG

United States

#37820 Apr 3, 2013
Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home. Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60- year-old Marcus. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old Packing Heat. When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old Zane, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old. "No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?" "No, I have one every morning at 6:30." With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"

Zane said, "I don't wake up until 7:00."
Misty

United States

#37821 Apr 3, 2013
Walking into the bar, Zane said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one. I just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said JAG "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Zane replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under that bed, you little chicken sh!t!".
Misty

United States

#37822 Apr 3, 2013
Picture a beautiful Oklahoma Morning on the beach, the sun has just risen over Thunderbird Lake, the sand pure white, the Lake a beautiful shimmering blue with the morning sun shining over it.

A stunning young blonde Misty is jogging along the beach in very brief Puma shorts and a crop top that barely covers her voluptuous breasts. A mile or so down the beach jogging in the opposite direction is a young (mid twenties) fit looking young Zane. He's wearing just jogging shorts. As he is jogging, in the distance his eye catches a glimpse of something on the sand.

As he jogs further he sees it's yellow. He gets closer and closer and discovers it's a tennis ball. He stops, picks it up and discovers that it is a new tennis ball. He thinks, hey a wind fall. He doesn't want to carry it and having no pockets he just stuffs it down his shorts and continues jogging.

A short while later as Misty jogging in the opposite directions draws closer, from a distance she can see the bulge in his shorts. She gets to within twenty feet and stops dead in her tracks and stares at his crotch fascinated. When Zane is just in front of her he sees she is staring at his crotch so he stops. She points at the bulge in his crotch and exclaims, "What's That!" He says, "It's A Tennis Ball"

She replies... "Geez, I bet that's painful, I had tennis elbow once and that really hurt like hell!"

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