Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#346 Dec 27, 2013
Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.

The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know, and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears."

Merv got very angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

She replied: "Well, you have no ears."

Merv again was upset and tossed her out.

The third, and last, interview was the best of the three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"

To his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses."

Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, if you wore glasses, what the hell would you hang 'em on?"

*As Big Stevie always says: "If you don't want to know the answer, don't ask the question!"

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#348 Dec 29, 2013
****BIG STEVIE ALERT!!!!!****

After a recent wave of identify thefts, the FBI estimates there are over 500 fake Obamacare websites, set up for the sole purpose of stealing your personal information.

So protect yourself and remember: The real one is the one that doesn't work!
colt

Gainesboro, TN

#349 Dec 29, 2013
lol
Republicans no way

Owensboro, KY

#350 Dec 30, 2013
Thet are War mongers- look at the bushes both of them.And i still thnk 9-11 was a set up by someone.
bng

Philadelphia, PA

#355 Dec 31, 2013
I don't vote

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#357 Jan 2, 2014
Big Stevie sometimes becomes upset with people, who come down on our police officers, saying that they don't care about or respect others. Well, here is a story that clearly shows not all cops are in that category:

This story involves the Police Department, in the small Hill Country town of Fredericksburg, Texas, who reported finding a man's body, last Saturday in the early evening, in the Pedernales River, near the State Highway 87 bridge. The dead man's name was not released until his family had been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting "someone" in Kerrville. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, 4 inch spiked heels, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick, dazzle dust on his eyelids, 2 1/2 inch false eyelashes, and an Obama T-shirt.

The police removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

IN TEXAS, WE CARE!!!

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#359 Jan 4, 2014
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds, visiting home bound patients, when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline stations was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and by some gas.

The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait, so she walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car she could fill with gas, and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient, so she filled that up with gas. Then, Sister Mary Ann carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If that thing starts, I'm turning Catholic"!!!

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#360 Jan 5, 2014
A Cajun named, Jean Paul, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer named Ben for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day, Ben drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."

"Well, then, just give me the money back," said Jean Paul

"Can't do that. I went and spent it already." Replied Ben

"OK, then. Just unload the donkey," said Jean Paul.

"What ya going to do with him?" asked Ben.

"I'm going to raffle him off," said Jean Paul.

"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" uttered Ben.

"Sure can. Watch me. I just won't tell that he's dead," said Jean Paul.

A month later Ben met up with the Cajun and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

"I raffled him off, I did. I sold 500-hunderd tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898," said Jean Paul.

"Didn't anyone complain?" inquired Ben.

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back,” said Jean Paul.
Buggy

Portland, TN

#362 Jan 5, 2014
Lol

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#363 Jan 6, 2014
A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.

The Marine was conscious and alert and, as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both of us took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein had been a miserable, lowlife scum bag, who got exactly what he deserved, and he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American. So, I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!

He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"

He continued, "And, there we were, in the middle of the road shaking hands, when a truck hit us!"

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#364 Jan 7, 2014
Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer really screwed up now.”
Not me

Hazard, KY

#365 Jan 7, 2014
Bla

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#366 Jan 8, 2014

A Greek and an Italian were talking, one day, and they were discussing who had the superior culture.

The Greek says: "Well, we built the Parthenon."

The Italian replies: "We built the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts: "We Greeks gave birth to mathematics."

The Italian, nodding, says: "But we built the Roman Empire".

And so on and so on, went the conversation, until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion: with a flourish of finality he says: "We invented sex!"

The Italian then replies: "That is true, my friend, but it was the Italians who included women, in it!"

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#368 Jan 9, 2014
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

"Aww, he's still out there under the wagon."
kwo

Elizabethtown, KY

#369 Jan 10, 2014
Support r troops

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#371 Jan 11, 2014
One time, there was this little preacher, and he was driving down the road, heading for someone's home, for Sunday dinner. Anyway, it had been cold, and there were some icy spots on the highway. As he was driving up through the mountains, he just happened to hit one of those spots, and the car fishtailed, spun, flipped over about three times, rolled down a gully, and got lodged between two big trees, just short of a 1,000 foot drop-off.

Well, an old country boy had been driving right behind the preacher, and saw the whole thing happen, right before his eyes. Anyway, he stopped, got out of his car, and carefully made his way down the slope of the gully just as the little preacher was struggling to get out of the wreck.

"Aw, man!" Said the old country boy, "I jes' seen whut happened! I seen everthang! Air yew all right?"

The little preacher replied, "Yes, thank you! The Lord was riding with me!!"

"Well, yew'd better let Him ride with me, preacher," he said. "A'fore yew kill 'im!!"
Timothy

United States

#372 Jan 12, 2014
Really

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#375 Jan 14, 2014
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed and, after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing! He should see the back of mine!"

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#376 Jan 15, 2014
Then, there was the story about this billionaire businessman, who didn't very much care for flying. He got a call, from his West Coast Office, telling him that he was needed at once, to clear up some pretty serious business. So, he was forced, against his will, to buy a ticket, board a plane, and go see what the problem was.

Somewhere, around 30,000 feet over Iowa, the plane started having some engine problems, and they lost one of the engines. The plane shimmied, shook, dove, climbed, and pretty much acted a lot like a roller coaster. The businessman was terrified. He broke out in a cold sweat and, when he could think of nothing else to do, he began praying fervently to the Deity at hand.

"Lord," he said. "Please get me down safely, off of this thing! If you will only do this for me, I'll give you half of everything I own!"

At that exact time, the plane, which had seemed very near to crashing, leveled off and flew right into Los Angeles, with not another problem. The businessman was overjoyed, as he debarked the aircraft. Right behind him, though, there came a preacher, who caught up with him, and started talking.

"Oh, my good brother," he said. "I heard what'cha said, up there on that airplane! I heard you say that if the Lord would just get you down safely, you'd give Him half of everything you own, and I just know you're gonna start right now!"

The businessman, not breaking stride, just looked at the preacher and said, "Nope! I made a better deal!"

The little preacher said, "You what?"

"Yes," said the businessman. "I told Him that if I ever got on another one of these sumbitches, He could have it all!!"

Since: Jul 12

Houston, TX

#377 Jan 16, 2014
A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother:

Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?

Brother 2: He's Dead

Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could of broke me to the news easier. You could have told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could have told me, "Well, we found her, but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down." Then when I call you from the airport you could have told me, "The Fire Department was there and scared her off the roof, and the cat died when it hit the ground!"

Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.

Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?

Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.

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