Follow instinct on asking for cash gifts -- Family, Paul McCart...

[Freemage]

Yeah, Amy's answer to LW1 was... bizarre. "Flouting convention by cohabitating?" I'm sorry, but that's almost conventional these days, anyway.

ANY specificity in gifts should be handled through a third party. The bride and groom should make their wishes (including a preference for cash, or the existence of a registry, or whatever) known to a couple of intimates--traditionally the mothers of the betrothed parties, though best man/maid of honor can also be in the loop. These people should then be instructed to give this information out ONLY if asked directly--it should not be volunteered gratuitously.

The happy couple should then accept any and all gifts (including the odd frog-lamp with a clock in its belly from wierd Aunt Agnes) with good grace and thank-you notes. Items which prove to be redundant with stuff already owned can either be used as an early replacement, or passed along directly to a deserving charity.(The frog-lamp should be placed into a closet until Aunt Agnes' first visit, where it should be brought out and placed in the guest bedroom. After that, or after one year in any case, it can be safely donated to Goodwill or included in your next garage sale, provided Aunt Agnes isn't going to come by either.)

[Ann]

I don't get the stripper comments. What stripper have you ever seen that danced barefoot on a table? They all wear those 5 inch f-me pumps.

But I did think the comment was out of character for a typical 13 year old boy. The first thing that came to my mind was that he is gay. Not sure why, but my gaydar just flared up.

[Freemage]

Stina wrote:

<quoted text>
I have to agree with you here (though I don't like the way Amy put it). But, above all, I am SO OVER people using weddings as a way to line their pockets. Ladsy, it is RUDE to ask for a gift of money. Always. No matter how you look at it. Even saying something to your Mom or close friend to "spread the word" is shameless. I think asking or expecting money as a wedding gift is phenomenally rude, selfish and shallow. WHY DO PEOPLE EVEN ASK THIS? Is common sense that hard to find???

Heh. Since you obviously disagree with me, I'm going to spell out my reasoning.

People who actively ask what you want for a gift truly desire to ensure that their gift will be useful. Most traditional wedding gifts are of use only to a relatively new household. OTOH, I don't regard asking for cash to be any ruder than registering at a store or any other specification.

On the scale of things, I consider a discrete word to the moms about a preference for cash to be vastly less rude than including a registry info-card in the invitations.

[Stina]

Freemage wrote:

<quoted text>
Heh. Since you obviously disagree with me, I'm going to spell out my reasoning.
People who actively ask what you want for a gift truly desire to ensure that their gift will be useful. Most traditional wedding gifts are of use only to a relatively new household. OTOH, I don't regard asking for cash to be any ruder than registering at a store or any other specification.
On the scale of things, I consider a discrete word to the moms about a preference for cash to be vastly less rude than including a registry info-card in the invitations.

I see your point, but I still have to disagree. A gift registry also serves the purpose of not having dupes and the like. To me, asking for cash is asking for cash. WIth ha hand held out and a sign saying "pay up".

[someone]

Since Im fundamentally lazy and have no eagerness to add a personal touch to most of the weddings Im invited to I would appreciate the word of mouth cash request or just getting a gift card...

and as long as there was an open bar, I had no problem paying a "cover" to get into the wedding

[Mitsy]

I agree with Napakin & Stina. If people are going to live together (and for 5 years at that), then they are a bit insulting to others if they decide to go ahead and have a big wedding and expect gifts/cash, etc. I am always a bit surprised when couples who have been living together for years decide to get married and put on the circus like they've had just a long engagement while they've actually been living together like a married couple minus the piece of paper. It shouldn't take someone 5 years to figure out that they want to get married or not. Skip the big wedding, have a nice reception, and be glad for anyone who might attend. It's rude and greedy to expect cash just because you have all the dishes, sheets, towels, etc. that you need.

[Aurora]

This whole thing about asking people to provide cash as a wedding gift is just gross. And Amy's answer about a cash registry to pay for a honeymoon is just as tacky as the request for cash only gifts (maybe you could have "cash only" printed on the invitations). Have your wedding and let people provide whatever gifts they choose for you. It'll mostly be cash anyway.

[Ambi]

My dad is getting married again and he is marring someone who is also a widow.(my mom died a few years ago) and He is asking instead of gifts everyone either give to the ALS foundation or some Cancer foundation.

I thought that was wonderful.

[LTC]

Good God is Amy joking about finding a way to register for the wedding itself??? Tack-eeeey!!!

[Terri at home]

I'm not getting married, but could use the cash. Okay everyone -- pony-up.

[Stina]

Terri at home wrote:

I'm not getting married, but could use the cash. Okay everyone -- pony-up.

I'll give you 3 cents.

[ajh]

I've actually seen some of the honeymoon registries. On the surface, they're kind of cute. It makes it seem like you're buying the couple breakfast in bed or a massage. Basically, a little extra surprise for the couple on their vacation. In reality though, they're just fronts prettying up the request for money. They couple doesn't actually get any of those things. The company provides the website with the little gift options and printable cards saying what "surprise" you bought them, and then at the end of the whole thing, the company takes a cut of the $ and sends the couple a check.
I don't know why any bride or groom would go thorough that charade anyway, unless they thought it would encourage or fool more people into giving them $. I mean, some people are always going to give you $ anyway, if you get a gift card or a check in the card, you get the whole ammount.
The worst request I experienced was a bride who told everyone that they had an account set up at a certain bank that they wanted people to gift to so they could buy a house. I've also heard of people registering at the places with the easiest return policy so they could just exchange everything for cash anyway.

[Aspasia]

"You've flouted marriage tradition and enjoyed the benefits of cohabitation."

How snotty can you get, Amy? Back in the Dark Ages!

[Maggie]

Stina wrote:

<quoted text>
I'll give you 3 cents.

What a cheapskate! I'll send a nickel. I keep telling my family and friends that I am going to register for my 50th birthday to make up for all the showers and weddings I've been to - sometimes multiple weddings per person. Now that it's coming up, I'm kind of tempted to do it!

[Angelique]

Stina wrote:

<quoted text>
I'll give you 3 cents.

Add my two cents and Terri will have an entire nickel!

[Stina]

Angelique wrote:

<quoted text>
Add my two cents and Terri will have an entire nickel!

With Maggie's nickel she'll have a whole dime!!! Lucky gal! And Maggie, I wouldn't blame you!!!:-)

[Terri at home]

Stina wrote:

<quoted text>
With Maggie's nickel she'll have a whole dime!!! Lucky gal! And Maggie, I wouldn't blame you!!!:-)

Yep, 10 cents. Anybody else? If I can get it up to a dollar, buy a lottery ticket, we could get millions!

[nova0311]

Terri at home wrote:

I'm not getting married, but could use the cash. Okay everyone -- pony-up.

OK, I got married about 20 years ago, but none of you knew me then. So you owe me. Paypal is fine, because I don't trust your taste in gifts anyway.

:-)

[Mitsy]

Aspasia wrote:

"You've flouted marriage tradition and enjoyed the benefits of cohabitation."
How snotty can you get, Amy? Back in the Dark Ages!

Actually, it's not a dark ages philosophy. This couple is wanting all the trimmings of a first-time married couple while they've been playing house all along. It's quite obvious they already have all the household items they'd need (married or not), but asking for cash (in any way, shape or form) is very tacky. In my opinion, having a huge circus of a wedding is also in bad taste when the couple has been shacking up all along anyway. You can call it old-school or old-fashioned, but many people feel that way when it comes down to it. Don't expect people to break themselves to give to your wedding (cash or expensive gift) simply because you chose to live together for 5 years before tying the knot. It seems a bit absurd if you think about it.

[KarmaDogma]

nova0311 wrote:

LW1 - Amy's in rare form today. "You've flouted marriage tradition and enjoyed the benefits of cohabitation. Perhaps you could also reject the tradition of expecting gifts to establish a household you already maintain." Geez, put away the claws for a minute, Amy!
LW2 - Sounds like the LW has a bit of a self-esteem issue. If her BOYFRIEND is dating her at 13 and talking to her about anything and everything (never say "nothing") then guess what? He likes you, Sally Field, he really, really likes you! The best compliments are unspoken. Especially in this case. I don't care how cute her name is, nobody is going to get me dancing barefoot on a table.(And not because my feet stink, Trixie, because they don't, LOL!)

Don't you just love the word "flouted?" I think of it in the same vein as the word trollop. Not the definition but the old-fashioned, self-righteous indignation -- cracks me up!