Relationship problems? Sometimes it's...

Relationship problems? Sometimes it's all about the sex

There are 146 comments on the KansasCity.com story from Dec 30, 2009, titled Relationship problems? Sometimes it's all about the sex. In it, KansasCity.com reports that:

People walk into Barry McCarthys office, often after a stint in couples therapy.

Join the discussion below, or Read more at KansasCity.com.

Deb

Nottingham, UK

#125 Mar 29, 2010
Hi all, thankyou for your reply. I wrote this really long post and for some reason it didn't attach!! Really annoying. He is 44. I'm 53.
Deb

Nottingham, UK

#126 Mar 29, 2010
Apparently, he has had this problem all his sexual life, from age 19. A few of his partners were drunks, so I think he just got on with it! And he said they didn't notice! And untill he met me, 4 years ago, he didn't realise he had a problem!! I noticed from day 1 of us sleeping together and straight away said I didn't think I could deal with it, as I had never experienced it before. He begged me to give 'us' a chance. And for the last 4 years I have done lots of research, been as supportive as I can. He can only get semi erect, not enough for penetration. He does enjoy it, when it happens, although he comes very quickly. Havn't even attempted sex for a year now. No kissing or cuddling either. No intimacy and that is so hard to cope with.
Deb

Nottingham, UK

#127 Mar 29, 2010
I guess, I feel at the end of my tether, because I don't think he is meeting me half way. AS said, the cialis works, but he won't take it. Pride? Maybe? He says it's not natural. He does have some strange ideas and is very stubborn! Bought up, a Roman Catholic. Will only have sex in the missonary position. No problem with oral sex. In the past, I have done absolutely everything to try and turn him on. Nothing works. He has zero desire.
It's like total rejection and very hard to cope with. So I've given up now. The rest of our relationship is good. I get a peck when he go's to work and when he comes home and the odd hug, not cuddle. It's like sharing a bed with my brother!! Theres no morning glory either.
Deb

Nottingham, UK

#128 Mar 29, 2010
All tests done my GP, are normal. I wanted him to be refered to a urologist, but GP won't. Wants him to pursue the councelling route. Which he has for a bit. But won't even act on the advice which is given. Tried hypnosis. sex therapy. herbs, potions.
Nothing helps. I've recently found out about 'daily cialis'. And told him about it. He says he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. If I didn't love him, I wouldn't have tried to cope with this for so long. He is healthy. Not overweight. smokes a bit. Doesn't drink. I am disabled. Slipped discs in back. Fibromyalgia and bipolar. On alot of medication. My health has got worse since I met him. And I know it's a lot for him to cope with. However, I am very capable of having sex. I've finished the menapause. I feel, I've 'gone off the boil'. But given stimulation, I know I would get in the mood. He just doesn't want to be bothered.
Deb

Nottingham, UK

#129 Mar 29, 2010
He has been married. And has 4 children. whom he doesn't see.(his choice).
I also have 4 children. All grown up. We live together. On our own. Apart from 2 dogs and 4 cats!
I don't know how he managed to have 4 children to be honest! He somehow managed, semi erect. His ex is also roman catholic. I think sexual issues had a lot to do with that. It was not a happy marriage.
I think he was at the 'beck and call' of other partners. Whereas, I have always treated him well.
Although I'm a strong, independant woman aswell. I have had really good sex with my previous partners.
Maybe that puts him under pressure?? I've tried to 'open him up', to new experiences. I know there is no majic wand. But I'm at a loss as to what to do next.

“guess who Lois?”

Since: Dec 06

A little hole in the wall.

#130 Mar 29, 2010
Deb wrote:
He has been married. And has 4 children. whom he doesn't see.(his choice).
I also have 4 children. All grown up. We live together. On our own. Apart from 2 dogs and 4 cats!
I don't know how he managed to have 4 children to be honest! He somehow managed, semi erect. His ex is also roman catholic. I think sexual issues had a lot to do with that. It was not a happy marriage.
I think he was at the 'beck and call' of other partners. Whereas, I have always treated him well.
Although I'm a strong, independant woman aswell. I have had really good sex with my previous partners.
Maybe that puts him under pressure?? I've tried to 'open him up', to new experiences. I know there is no majic wand. But I'm at a loss as to what to do next.
Thank yuo for all that info. I have had "lost posts" as well. It is frustrating. WHen I write a long post, before I click on "post comment" I make a copy of the post. THat way, if something goes wrong, all I have to do is post it again by pasting the copy I made.

I am surprised that he has these old fashiopned attitudes considering his age (He acts like someone in his late 50's or older).

I guess his ED was not as bad 15 years ago ... 4 kids. I wonder why he chooses not to see them??? COuld the rift be because of his stubborness???

I think you could be at the point of "Ultimatum" with him. He needs to realize he has to act or lose you.

That is, if you have reached that point.

Maybe say something like this "Honey, I love you but I am finding it harder and harder to live with you. The sex problem has come between our entire relationship, we are more like brother and sister than like lovers/spouses (common law???) I feel distant from you, and you act distant from me ...

I think you are being stubborn., Your refusal to solve this problem using methods that might work, is at the root of it, for both of us. What is more importnat to yuo ... our relationship, or your principles regarding usign pills like cialis???? It seems you are makign a choice that those principles are more improtnat....

I think you should give more effort to renewing our relaitonship so that it can be what it once was .... in fact, even beter if the ED can be solved ... we will both be happier.

If you don't try this, then we will be even unhappier, and what is the point of being together but being unhappy????

The ball is in your court"
Deb

Nottingham, UK

#131 Mar 29, 2010
Hi again. I'll try to answer a couple of things. He is quite old fashioned in many of his attitudes. By the way, he's French. But been in UK from age 19. He has much older parents. Maybe that's why. He just doesn't bother with his children. I've now given up trying to encourage him. I don't think he really wanted them in the first place. He had a vascectomy after the 4th. He hardly has any contact with his family in France either. It's like he cuts himself off. He did get caught with porn by his mother when he was younger. When I met him, he was 'into porn mags'. Although he says the pictures don't turn him on, he liked reading the stories.
I have already been down the ultimatum route. We have split up mamy, many times over it. When he leaves, he totally cuts himself off from me. By ignoring me. I text him, write to him. No response for weeks. It has always been me that gets us back together.Because I love him. So, I don't know what else to do.

Since: Mar 10

United States

#132 Mar 29, 2010
Deb Whats the attraction? U need to examine this
Dont call something "love" that is MAD ( mutually
assured destruction) look at ur motivation.
do u LIKE sex? Do u masturbate? if u do thn do u let him watch U? ED is both psychological and psychical. my suggestion, short term,share som porn c if he gets erect? and let him watch u but not totch
u might turn him! good luck
Join Free
Deb

Nottingham, UK

#133 Mar 29, 2010
Yes. I do like sex. Or, I used to, with previous partners. Because I was desired. I'm really not sure anymore. Because the focus is always on him and 'his problem'. I don't masturbate anymore, because it leaves me frustrated. I like penatrative sex. Done all the things you have suggested. I've previously said. I have done EVERYTHING to try and turn him on. I've given up. Because it's humiliateing.

“guess who Lois?”

Since: Dec 06

A little hole in the wall.

#134 Mar 29, 2010
Deb wrote:
Hi again. I'll try to answer a couple of things. He is quite old fashioned in many of his attitudes. By the way, he's French. But been in UK from age 19. He has much older parents. Maybe that's why. He just doesn't bother with his children. I've now given up trying to encourage him. I don't think he really wanted them in the first place. He had a vascectomy after the 4th. He hardly has any contact with his family in France either. It's like he cuts himself off. He did get caught with porn by his mother when he was younger. When I met him, he was 'into porn mags'. Although he says the pictures don't turn him on, he liked reading the stories.
I have already been down the ultimatum route. We have split up mamy, many times over it. When he leaves, he totally cuts himself off from me. By ignoring me. I text him, write to him. No response for weeks. It has always been me that gets us back together.Because I love him. So, I don't know what else to do.
to be honest, it sounds like a lost cause. HE is not into close connections, in my opinion. He also avoids looking deeper into his own motivaitons and he won't open up to others .. even someone as close as you ... his lack of depth in explaining why he does not want anything to do with his kids is the clue to that.

There is a point where you decide that you are better off cutting loose and deciding that you will have better luck with the next guy. WHatever attracts you about him can't be enuogh to keep you going through this over and over again ...

ANd if it is you, not him bringing you together again and again, clearly he does not care enough about your relationship ... he only comes back because you pressure him and it is convenient for him.

BTW .. my Mom caught me with porn when I Was younger ... funny story ... my older half-brother, who was about 17 at the time, had a "nudist" magazine in his room ... photos of poeple at a nudist camp ... it was thick, had about 100 pages. I was about 10 at the time. I sat in his closet and looked through, with a hard-on the whole time!!! After about 30 minutes my Mom was looking for me and caught me (fortunatley I had not started to masterbate, so my wee wee was not outside my pants LOL!!!) SHe gave me a good whipping with a belt .. OUCH!!! ANd then my brother got home he was in big sh!t!!!!

HOwever, I don't think it scarred me for life or anything ...
Get sum

O Fallon, MO

#135 Mar 29, 2010
Zel wrote:
So sorry, the girl I lost my v-card to had an abusive boyfriend for 4 years before I came in, i'm glad to hear your not in that situation anymore, ladies deserve to be treated better and correctly but men these days don't seem to care.
<quoted text>
that's true baby I would never abuse any girl they don't deserve it. I'm no Chris brown ya hear
nice guy but horny alot

Baltimore, MD

#137 Apr 23, 2010
Sex is a big part of a relationship bt it isnt/shldnt b jus about sex
jimmy

Agoura Hills, CA

#138 Apr 23, 2010
i agree, what does sex have to do with anything. so you want to get riden hard, and have a little fun and get piledrived from all angles at once, all women do. to me, it sounds like a violation of personal space and if you can't leave the limp bastard alone to reflect on the days when he was 6 and could get an erection.... then it sounds like you are very high maintenance. can't you just play texas hold 'em with the guy, tell him there's no pressure, but that if he doesn't get an erection in the next five minutes, you're leaving. no don't do that. just fondle his lifeless sack for awhile and maybe he'll get a random image of his grandma to make him temporarily and fleetingly erect.
Tomeck

France

#142 Aug 11, 2012
I have used http://goodgeneric.com for about 3 years and find their products to be reliable and speedily delivered. The Support team are very promt and helpful in solving any issues that arise,caused by my errors not the company's. I was a little sceptical initially about buying generic products rather than brand names. However, the Mens' Health products I have bought have been equally as efficatious as the brand names at a fraction of the cost.

Since: Nov 12

London, UK

#146 Nov 26, 2012
People can jump to conclusions too fast sometimes without underlying the route of the problem.

There are a number of reasons why you might not be able to get an erection, fitness and nerves being some of them. I read a hilarious info-graphic called Flaccid Truth Erectile Dysfunction here:

http://www.doctorfox.co.uk/flaccid-truth-erec...

It is a really informative but funny way in explaining the multiple ways that we can get erectile dysfunction.

The illustrations did make me laugh. Hope this helps!
Anthony

Scranton, PA

#147 Nov 29, 2012
I would recommend http://orderedmeds.com . Excellent service, lowest price, product arrives within 2 weeks in plain envelope. They are the sole of discretion. Believe me, I have used them several times, not that I need them but wow.
Baby

Germany

#148 Dec 26, 2012
I would recommend http://qgeneric.info . Had business with them for over a year and never had any major problems. They can be slow at sending the order, but it always get there, and their customer service is great, always someone to talk to if their is a issue. Will do business with them again.
Simpson

France

#156 Feb 14, 2013
I tried generic Viagra from http://ed-airstorepills.info It helped me greatly. This is the most reliable and trusted online pharmacy you could ever think of. They perfectly work! I have found them very good value for money.
Free airmail shipping.
Hailey

France

#157 Feb 14, 2013
I tried generic Viagra from http://ed-airstorepills.info It helped me greatly. This is the most reliable and trusted online pharmacy you could ever think of. They perfectly work! I have found them very good value for money.
Free airmail shipping.
WifKinson

UK

#159 Apr 11, 2013
i wrote:
I have ordered prescription drugs (without a prescription) online from http://edx-airstorepills.info about two years ago, and was pleased with the speed and quality of service.
I'm thinking of doing the same thing with my medication. The meds is expensive, but there is a generic version available overseas.
I love the idea of taking responsibility for my own health (or lack of health) and skipping the bureaucracy... to say nothing of having to drive to the doctor, wait in line, yet again, to get a prescription refilled.
First time I took Viagra from http://edx-airstorepills.info it took 30 to 40 mins to work. Work very well for me with no side effects. Was able to have sex more then once. My partner is also very pleased with the results.

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