Loss of parent during childhood.... how does it effect relationships

[Megan092]

Has anyone ever lost a parent at a young age? How does it effect your romantic relationships in adulthood?
I have been with my fiance for 2 years... he is a very honest and genuinely great person. However, he lacks social skills (hates groups, chit-chatting, bars, get-togethers, etc.) and has difficulty expressing his feelings- even the positive ones. He is very anxious and has suffered with bouts of depression and low self esteem most of his life.
I attribute this to losing his mother unexpectedly when he was 5 years old. His loving grandparents raised him in a stable home, but the rural/isolated setting did not bode well for making many friends. He became an angry child, and the computer/video games were his friends. To this day, he still escapes with video games and by tinkering with computers... he doesn't have many hobbies because he doesn't know what he "likes".

He has 2 very close friends who have known him for 15+ years... and they both agree that his relationships always suffer because of his inability to express emotions. He comes off as very apathetic... and that is a problem in our relationship. Previous girlfriends all left or cheated on him because of the same perceived apathy. I think this only furthered damaged him.

I try to remind myself that he went through a lot at a young age, and suffered emotional damage... but I can't relate. I'm used to people expressing their feelings in a normal way.

Can anyone offer some insight? If you've been in his position, or if you've been in mine... any experience or wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you

[anonymous]

I lost my mother when I was 3. Now I'm 20 and I find that it's hard to trust in romantic relationships. Keep in mind that your boyfriend had no model from which to learn what a healthy romantic relationship should be like (or any romantic relationship- I'm assuming his grandparents were on the old side). So, he may not know what to do, in terms of how to share himself with a partner. Maybe if you could kindly state your "goals" or hopes for your relationship, like "I'd love us to be able to talk about ___" or something. that may help him to open up, hearing you state how much you care about hearing his feelings. A lot of what comes from losing a parent in childhood (in my opinion) is fear of losing someone like your parent did. So, as a result you're much more protective of your heart. Good luck, keep loving him and try to remember there's a part of him that probably never got over being left (yes, that is what it feels like) by his mother.:) hope this helps

[just Lance]

I am 41 my mother was murdered when I was 8 years old. I don't know if it is how she died. or the fact that for over 30 years she has not been there for me. this has affected my whole life. I feel like a little boy sometimes who just wants his mommy. I married once and have one child. and I am raising him by myself now. he is 14 and I get scared the I will die before he is an adult. because I know what it feels like to lose a parent as a child.

[jane]

I see a lot of similarities in your description to that of my brother. We lost our father when I was 5 and my brother was 9. I have a hard time remembering him at all, let alone not being able to decipher what a loving relationship is (since I have nearly lost all memories of doing anything while he was alive, and no memory of him interacting with my mother). My brother however is a very closed person - he doesn't share emotions (while I do); has low self-esteem; grew to be quite angry in his adolescent years; has an outlook that "bad things always happen to me". He grew up very sad, quiet (takes a lot of time to warm up and feel comfortable with people); dealt with weight problems in his teens and early adult years; and doesn't deal with stress or "drama" at all (he has moved to the other side of the continent and says that he's glad he doesn't have to deal with my and our mother's "drama" because he has "issues of his own"). I worry for him. He has had very few relationships, while I have found that I was diving from relationship to relationship, hanging on to people who were bad for me - possibly looking to replace the male affection and protection I never received as a little girl. I don't know what else to say to help - but try to be patient. Do a lot of reading about the pain of people losing parents in their childhood. My best friend lost her mom when we were 14, and I know we dealt with a lot of the same insecurities, namely being preoccupied with "what would my mom/dad say about this? would they be proud with what i've done?" and wondering how life would be different. For those who lost their parent at a very young age as I have - we feel as though we don't truly know ourselves. You can only relate so many character traits to one parent, and the others - you're just left guessing how that other parent contributed to you being you.

[Stacey]

I too lost my mother unexpectingly at the age of 5. She was only 36 at the time. I have been quite like the lady who posted prior to me, bouncing from one relationship to the next. I find if things get serious or slightly rocky i end it despite usually still being heavily emotionally invested in things. I think it may be to have things hurt in my own terms and not out of my control. I also find if a relationship is going well i do something purposely to bring drama and hurt into it. Sounds weird but i often feel i crave the pain. Whether that is because i associate it with important relationships in my life like my mothers, i do not know. I also push people away so often just because i want them to re-assure they are not going anywhere. Often doesn't work and i am just back to the hurt again. My current boyfriend is a therapist. It has been an interesting ride so far. He re-assures me daily he is not going anywhere, and despite loving him dearly i have on a number of occasions purposely messed with things. i even push him into situations where i believe i can make him not want to be with me so i have reason to end things. The difference is he see's straight through my crap. He makes me sit down and talk about stuff and i am NOT usually a talker so it is hard work but he won't ever let things go unresolved. For the first time in my life i have noticed my self-destructive behaviour and i have been forced to deal with it. You need to tell him you are not going anywhere as often as you can even when he is purposely not talking or frustrating the hell out of you. If he is anything like me he needs and wants you to tell and show him this. You need to stick by him. Despite it being so long ago since his parents passed the foundations the loss has built in him are ever lasting and will always be a hurdle he must mentally cross. the biggest thing you can do is not to leave him like he is used to.
Hope this helps. Also nice to get it out as i have been requested to do by my man.

[A freind in need]

I lost my mother when I was under a year old and never new my father my name is David and a need help I am 11 years old and needed help sence I was 9 please anybody.....I Need help

[david]

A freind in need wrote:

I lost my mother when I was under a year old and never new my father my name is David and a need help I am 11 years old and needed help sence I was 9 please anybody.....I Need help

Hi David,

My name is David too. I see you posted this about a month ago, so I hope you get a chance to come back and see this.

We share more than a name though. I lost my Dad when I was your age. It was something I don't remember talking about with the rest of my family, and something that always made me feel incredibly awkward at school around Father's day.

I spent about 17 years telling myself and everyone who mentioned it to me that hey, I never knew my dad so it wasn't a big deal.

When I was younger like you are, this worked fine. Once I got around 18 or 19, it all started to come back to me and is still difficult for me now at the age of 24.

Honestly David, I'm not sure how to help you but you're doing a great thing by looking for ways to overcome this. Don't be afraid to talk to people about it, this sounds funny coming from me because I've always avoided councillors or therapy, but I think you're already ahead of me in that.

The one thing I can say is not to tell yourself it doesn't matter, or you might end up like me, lying in bed having a bit of a cry at 4am in the morning over these issues.

You're on the right track. Don't be afraid to talk to your family about it while you're still young. I've spent 20+ years building up a wall around my grief, and it takes a long time for that wall to come down.

Best of luck to you David. I hope my story helps you in some way. From one David to another.

[david]

Oh and just to clarify, I meant I lost my dad when I was about a year and a half old. I didn't know him either.

[is that me]

Seems like you are describing myself. :)

[Rita]

A freind in need wrote:

I lost my mother when I was under a year old and never new my father my name is David and a need help I am 11 years old and needed help sence I was 9 please anybody.....I Need help

David you need help from someone. I think you should tell a grown up that you really trust about how you feel. I lost my mother when I was 4 years old. And I really needed help, but was too afraid to tell anyone. No one will know what you are going through and that you need help until you talk to someone.
Tell me if you can't find that someone.