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Since: Jul 10

Location hidden

#1 Jan 18, 2011
With me not being religious, I can only see this from my own viewpoint but as a JW, do you think 18 is too young to get married? My (future) step-daughter's boyfriend rang yesterday to ask her dad for her hand in marriage... I was shocked even though I was expecting it (since they can't be left unchaperoned until they are married - of course they will rush in to it). I just fear they may be jumping in feet first.

I've made various topics on this subject, but it is all so real now. Her father and I get married in May, this is my first marriage and I am 31 so you can imagine why I think 18 is too young.
aardvark

Dunbar, UK

#2 Jan 18, 2011
In my humble opinion 18 is not too young but I do believe a two year engagement would be wise. They must have time beforehand to really know each other.

Love is wonderful, but the chemicals can interfere with rational thought making us ignore warning signs of attitudes which could destroy a marriage.

“Marry in haste, repent at leisure” is a wise saying.

If they have known each other well since childhood, I withdraw the qualifications.

Since: Jul 10

Location hidden

#3 Jan 18, 2011
No they haven;t, they have known each other for about 6 months. i agree about the long engagement. I wonder how easy it is to get to know one another when everything is chaperoned? Is it hard to let go and be yourself if there is always someone else around?
aardvark

Dunbar, UK

#4 Jan 18, 2011
MaceyMace wrote:
No they haven;t, they have known each other for about 6 months. i agree about the long engagement. I wonder how easy it is to get to know one another when everything is chaperoned? Is it hard to let go and be yourself if there is always someone else around?
My fist JW girlfriend and I were chaperoned for two years, sixteen to eighteen. That was just the way things were. We were mostly in each other’s houses, in field ministry, or on group outings. We got to know each other very well but at eighteen we found we were just friends and no more so we went our separate ways.

Since: Jul 10

Location hidden

#5 Jan 18, 2011
Is that ok though? I thought that once you are courting, you are kind of expected to marry?
aardvark

Dunbar, UK

#6 Jan 18, 2011
MaceyMace wrote:
Is that ok though? I thought that once you are courting, you are kind of expected to marry?
We weren’t formally engaged. Both sets of parents constantly said “You are just friends, that’s all.” Had we been engaged and one broke it off there would have been reproof and probation.
UNchained

Lenoir City, TN

#7 Jan 18, 2011
I take it that she lives in a JW environment.

While I disagree with the WTBTS's major doctrines, there are a few things that they right.

Here is one of them that you may wish to share with your future step-daughter:

NOVEMBER 1, 1957 WATCHTOWER magazine
Pages 643-644

'Can You Wait?'

The principle that waiting enhances the value of something can be applied to marriage. Those persons who have a long engagement are more likely to have a happier marriage than those who do not. Marriage will mean more to them. How can a couple who have been acquainted with each other for only a few hours, a few days or even a few months have the same regard for their marriage as the couple that have known each other at least a year or two?

Hasty marriages are just another way in which some adults manifest their immaturity. They believe a decision to marry must be carried out at once. They even hate to wait the few days required by law in some places. But as a child quickly loses interest in the toy it cried for, so do these people lose interest in the marriage they jumped into. More often than not they soon want a divorce.

.
..

Since: Aug 10

Dunbar, UK

#8 Jan 18, 2011
I also endorse the Watchtower comments.

But I’m wondering if there is another issue lurking in the background.

We are talking of your "future" step-daughter so I think you are about to be married to her father, which suggests either her parent's divorced or her mother’s death.

But you are not religious which suggests her father is not a JW.

Whatever the circumstances, she could be feeling insecure and vulnerable, even angry that her father has left his daughter for "that woman!"

Definitely not a time to rush into marriage.

Even so, and without wishing to appear too blunt, as a future step-mother your advice might not be welcome, it might even be resented, unless you two already have a good relationship.

Since: Jul 10

Location hidden

#9 Jan 18, 2011
UNchained wrote:
I take it that she lives in a JW environment.
While I disagree with the WTBTS's major doctrines, there are a few things that they right.
Here is one of them that you may wish to share with your future step-daughter:
NOVEMBER 1, 1957 WATCHTOWER magazine
Pages 643-644
'Can You Wait?'
The principle that waiting enhances the value of something can be applied to marriage. Those persons who have a long engagement are more likely to have a happier marriage than those who do not. Marriage will mean more to them. How can a couple who have been acquainted with each other for only a few hours, a few days or even a few months have the same regard for their marriage as the couple that have known each other at least a year or two?
Hasty marriages are just another way in which some adults manifest their immaturity. They believe a decision to marry must be carried out at once. They even hate to wait the few days required by law in some places. But as a child quickly loses interest in the toy it cried for, so do these people lose interest in the marriage they jumped into. More often than not they soon want a divorce.
.
..
Thanks for that - I will share that with them both. They have both been brought up as JW's so do absolutely everything by the book.
aadriver

Biggleswade, UK

#10 Jan 18, 2011
I will just say that sometimes when older teenagers want to marry, they may well be told by the presiding elder to wait.
However the two getting married may well know that if they wait they could get caught up in loose conduct. In which case the apostle Paul said, it was better for them to get married.

Since: Feb 07

RI

#11 Jan 18, 2011
Some couples do fine if they marry in their late teens. However, people often change quite a bit when they are in their 20s, and it's quite possible that they will discover that the person they were very compatible with at 18 no longer suits them when they are 25.

Being a JW does make things difficult. Passions run high in teenagers, and they often feel that it would be better to marry than to be tempted into loose conduct or fornication and that Jehovah will help them to make the marriage work if they just follow all the rules.

A good number of those who opted for early marriage that I knew ended up divorced. Waiting is probably the most logical path to follow.

Since: Jul 10

Location hidden

#12 Jan 18, 2011
MaceyMace wrote:
With me not being religious, I can only see this from my own viewpoint but as a JW, do you think 18 is too young to get married? My (future) step-daughter's boyfriend rang yesterday to ask her dad for her hand in marriage... I was shocked even though I was expecting it (since they can't be left unchaperoned until they are married - of course they will rush in to it). I just fear they may be jumping in feet first.
I've made various topics on this subject, but it is all so real now. Her father and I get married in May, this is my first marriage and I am 31 so you can imagine why I think 18 is too young.
.
.Questions.. And this my thought on the subject.. do either one of them have a job.. Or a clue as to paying bills.. keeping house.. paying .rent and overhead.?? Do they accept responsibility for themselves and don't have their hand out .. looking for money.. car keys etc.. Do they know each other .. better then say, the persona they see in front of others.. have they observed how each of them treat others. Say parents .. siblings ?? Because.. sex may make one feel good.. but it generally doesn't pay the bills.. nor teach the things that generally down the road.. can make or break a marriage.. Find out what they expect of a marriage .. besides a co-mingling of their worldly goods?? and ready access to each other.. Mother of four.. Have 4 children ( all over 30) and when each of them got there .. thinking about marriage..I sat them down and we talked.. About what it is that they have to offer a mate.? What is it that they see in this person.? I mean.. really see.. Not just the fasade ..but what makes.. this person ..a keeper??
Wendy in Illinois

Naperville, IL

#13 Jan 18, 2011
MaceyMace wrote:
With me not being religious, I can only see this from my own viewpoint but as a JW, do you think 18 is too young to get married? My (future) step-daughter's boyfriend rang yesterday to ask her dad for her hand in marriage... I was shocked even though I was expecting it (since they can't be left unchaperoned until they are married - of course they will rush in to it). I just fear they may be jumping in feet first.
I've made various topics on this subject, but it is all so real now. Her father and I get married in May, this is my first marriage and I am 31 so you can imagine why I think 18 is too young.
Hi MaceyMace,

I got married at 18. All I can say is, big mistake. We were way to young and immature. At that age, you don't really know what you want and you change a lot over the next 10 years, and I mean a lot. I am not the same person at all that I was at 18, not even close. It was the same thing with my husband who is now my ex-husband. Our marriage did not last long, only 4 years, long enough to have 2 children who grew up without their father since he felt he was to young to be a father.

Since: Jul 10

Location hidden

#14 Jan 19, 2011
Maravilla wrote:
<quoted text>
.
.Questions.. And this my thought on the subject.. do either one of them have a job.. Or a clue as to paying bills.. keeping house.. paying .rent and overhead.?? Do they accept responsibility for themselves and don't have their hand out .. looking for money.. car keys etc.. Do they know each other .. better then say, the persona they see in front of others.. have they observed how each of them treat others. Say parents .. siblings ?? Because.. sex may make one feel good.. but it generally doesn't pay the bills.. nor teach the things that generally down the road.. can make or break a marriage.. Find out what they expect of a marriage .. besides a co-mingling of their worldly goods?? and ready access to each other.. Mother of four.. Have 4 children ( all over 30) and when each of them got there .. thinking about marriage..I sat them down and we talked.. About what it is that they have to offer a mate.? What is it that they see in this person.? I mean.. really see.. Not just the fasade ..but what makes.. this person ..a keeper??
Thanks, we are going to arrange for them to come round to us for this discussion.

Since: Jul 10

Location hidden

#15 Jan 19, 2011
Wendy in Illinois wrote:
<quoted text>
Hi MaceyMace,
I got married at 18. All I can say is, big mistake. We were way to young and immature. At that age, you don't really know what you want and you change a lot over the next 10 years, and I mean a lot. I am not the same person at all that I was at 18, not even close. It was the same thing with my husband who is now my ex-husband. Our marriage did not last long, only 4 years, long enough to have 2 children who grew up without their father since he felt he was to young to be a father.
This is my fear for them! I am 32 this year and getting married for the first time. I am so glad I waited until I was mature enough for marriage and children and more importantly for the right person.
AuroraMom

Warrenville, IL

#16 Jan 19, 2011
Hey, the Jehovah's Witnesses used to encourage girls to get married at 16!! Often to much older "brothers" who often who had children older than they.
Better to have multiple divorces and make a mockery of marriage, than to have pre-marital sex!!
Of course, extra marital affairs were to be swept right under the rug.
You know, "forgiveness" and repentance take care of men being promiscuous, Jehovah's Witnesses just condemn those "evil" women, just like it is those "wicked" children who seduce those "innocent" elders, right JWs???
Nothing worse for a young girl than to get married off at 16! The age was that OLD because that was the youngest legal age.
This was in the 1970s too, not the 1370's!
It was disgusting, and I sure hope this practice is no longer encouraged.
Nothing short of child abuse.
Topsy Crett

Houston, TX

#17 Jan 19, 2011
Is there anyone here who will actually back up the nonsense spouted off my AMOM in this regard?
Topsy Crett

Houston, TX

#18 Jan 19, 2011
RedhorseWoman wrote:
Some couples do fine if they marry in their late teens. However, people often change quite a bit when they are in their 20s, and it's quite possible that they will discover that the person they were very compatible with at 18 no longer suits them when they are 25.
Being a JW does make things difficult. Passions run high in teenagers, and they often feel that it would be better to marry than to be tempted into loose conduct or fornication and that Jehovah will help them to make the marriage work if they just follow all the rules.
A good number of those who opted for early marriage that I knew ended up divorced. Waiting is probably the most logical path to follow.
Good post.

Since: Jul 10

Location hidden

#19 Jan 19, 2011
AuroraMom wrote:
Hey, the Jehovah's Witnesses used to encourage girls to get married at 16!! Often to much older "brothers" who often who had children older than they.
Better to have multiple divorces and make a mockery of marriage, than to have pre-marital sex!!
Of course, extra marital affairs were to be swept right under the rug.
You know, "forgiveness" and repentance take care of men being promiscuous, Jehovah's Witnesses just condemn those "evil" women, just like it is those "wicked" children who seduce those "innocent" elders, right JWs???
Nothing worse for a young girl than to get married off at 16! The age was that OLD because that was the youngest legal age.
This was in the 1970s too, not the 1370's!
It was disgusting, and I sure hope this practice is no longer encouraged.
Nothing short of child abuse.
.
. I guess it was one way to get the child out from under your roof and not have to support her any more.. But the fact is the Child..16 year old .. Hasn't grown up enough generally to have a clue as to what being a wife entails.. Yet , it's obvious in some cases that it's just a sort of legal way to have sex with a child..
I reflect that the guy I thought I was madly in love with at that age.. I'm thankful .I didn't marry..

Since: Nov 10

Houston, TX

#20 Jan 19, 2011
So WONDER you are saying what AMOM says is true?

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