New muslim funny jokes 2013- Latest and Fresh

Posted in the Islam Forum

Comments

Showing posts 1 - 20 of118
< prev page
|
Go to last page| Jump to page:
Seriously

Wolverhampton, UK

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#1
Dec 8, 2012
 

Judged:

4

3

3

Did you know that scientists finally found the DNA of the Dodo and can finally clone it out of extinction? They found the DNA in Medina, buried under a mosque!
Seriously

Wolverhampton, UK

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#2
Dec 8, 2012
 

Judged:

4

4

3

An old woman came to the Prophet (sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam) and said: "O Messenger of Allah, pray to Allah (subhanahu wa ta`ala) that I will enter Paradise." He said jokingly, "O Mother of So-and-so, no old women will enter Paradise." The old woman went away crying, so the Prophet (sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam) said, "Tell her that she will not enter Paradise as an old woman, for Allah (subhanahu wa ta`ala) says:(We have created [their Companions] of special creation, and made them virgin-pure [and undefiled])(Qur'an 56:35-36)." Reported by al-Tirmidhi, it is hasan because of the existence of corroborating reports
Seriously

Wolverhampton, UK

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#3
Dec 8, 2012
 

Judged:

3

3

1

True Incident: The incident took place in South Asia. A man was offering salah in his house. He was praying as fast as he could as many of us do. All of a sudden, he heard the door behind him open. Since, someone entered the room, he started making his ruku and sujud longer. Upon completion of the salah, he looked back to see who it was. To his amazement, it was a dog!
Seriously

Wolverhampton, UK

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#4
Dec 8, 2012
 

Judged:

2

1

True Incident: A young man in a village refused to believe that Allah has total control of everything. He claimed that Allah cannot make him eat food if he didn't want to eat. To prove his point, he decided to stay hungry for a day and see if Allah can make him eat. His mother tried her best to stop this foolishness but he paid no attention. Annoyed of his mother in the evening, he decided to climb a tree and isolate himself there. Being compassionate, his mother decided to leave the food under the tree incase her son finally gives up and wants to eat. When the night fell, a group of robbers were passing by that tree. They noticed a plate of delicious food placed under the tree. They looked at each other in amazement and thought that someone must be playing a trick on them. May be someone is trying to poison them with good food. They looked around to see if there was anyone nearby and noticed the young man on top of the tree. The robbers got him down and told him to eat the food to see if it is poisoned. But the young man refused to eat as he is still carrying on his challenge against Allah. The robbers became suspicious and started beating the young man to eat. He gave up and started eating. Seeing that the food was not poisoned, the robbers left him and went away. Finally, the young man admitted that yes, Allah has total control of everything!
Seriously

Wolverhampton, UK

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#5
Dec 8, 2012
 

Judged:

2

1

Just to keep thing balanced, A plane is hijacked by some Islamic terrorists. "IN THE NAME OF ALLAH WE WILL CRASH THIS PLANE AND KILL YOU ALL!" the leader says.

He feels a tug on his shirt from a passenger, Its a Vicar. "Excuse me, could you delay our deaths for a few minutes just so I can pray and whatnot, you're a religious man, I'm sure you can appreciate that?" he says.

"Arghh, very well. Fly around for five more minutes, and then, WE CRASH PLANE!"

So the plane is flown around for five more minutes. "WE WILL CRASH PLANE NOW!" the terrorist exclaims. Someone raises their hand in the air. Its a Buddhist monk. "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" the terrorist yells.

"Could you maybe fly around for another 5 minutes maybe? I just want to meditate and pray and whatnot to prepare myself for the next life. You're a religious man, I'm sure you appreciate that?" he asks. "Very well, FIVE MORE MINUTES ONLY!" the terrorists yells.

After five more minutes, the terrorists announces he will crash the plane. Then another person puts his hand up. Its a Jewish Rabbi. "WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW?!" the terrorist yells.

The Rabbi asks, "Are we getting extra air miles for this?"
Seriously

Wolverhampton, UK

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#6
Dec 9, 2012
 

Judged:

1

1

1

True Incident: During a Jumah Khutbah in a small town, an Imam talked about the significance of saying "Insha Allah" (which means if Allah wills) when planning to do something in the future. After a few days, a man who had also attended the Khutbah was going to buy a cow from the market. On the way, he met a friend who asked him where he was going. He told him about buying the cow but did not say Insha Allah in the end. His friend reminded him about the Khutbah and told him to say Insha Allah. However, this individual said that he had the money he needs and the energy to go to the market, thus, there is no point of saying Insha Allah as he will certainly buy the cow. He thought that saying Insha Allah will not make any difference.

When he reached the market, he found a cow that met his expectations. He bargained with the seller and came to a reasonable price. Finally, he decided to pay for the cow but was dumbfounded when he discovered that his money was missing. A thief had stolen the money while he was walking through the busy market. The cow seller asked him whether he was going to buy the cow or not. "Insha Allah, I will buy it next week," he said. When he reached home, his wife inquired about the cow. He told her about how he forgot to say Insha Allah, and also added, "Insha Allah, I wanted to buy the cow. But Insha Allah, my money was stolen. Insha Allah, I will buy it next week." His wife clarified to him that we should say Insha Allah for things that are yet to happen, not for those things that had already happened. He never forgot his "Insha Allah" again.
Seriously

Wolverhampton, UK

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#7
Dec 9, 2012
 

Judged:

1

1

1

Two men were on a plane on a business trip when a Muslim couple boarded the plane and were seated right in front of them. The two men, eager to have some fun, started talking loudly. "My boss is sending me to Saudi Arabia", the one said, "But I don't want to go...too many Muslims there!" The Muslim couple noticeably heard and grew uncomfortable. The other guy laughed, "Oh, yeah, my boss wanted to send me to Pakistan but I refused...WAY too many Muslims!" Smiling, the first man said, "One time I was in Iran but I HATED the fact that there were so many Muslims!" The couple fidgeted. The other guy responded, "Oh, yeah...you can't go ANYWHERE to get away from them...the last time I was in FRANCE I ran into a bunch of them too!" The first guy was laughing hysterically as he added, "That is why you'll never see me in Indonesia...WAY too many Muslims!" At this, the Muslim man turned around and responded politely, "Why don't you go to Hell?", he asked, "I hear there's not very many Muslims THERE!"
Seriously

Wolverhampton, UK

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#8
Dec 9, 2012
 

Judged:

2

1

1

Here is the story of an Imam who got up after Friday prayers and announced to the people:

"I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
Seriously

Wolverhampton, UK

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#9
Dec 9, 2012
 
An American decided to write a book about famous Mosques around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to China.

On his first day he was inside a Mosque taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call".

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to Allah. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Japan. There, at a very large Mosque, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he had seen in China and he asked a nearby Holy man what its purpose was. He told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to Allah. "O.K., thank you," said the American.

He then traveled to India, Sri Lanka, Russia, Turkey, Israel, France, Germany,. In every Mosque he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to Pakistan to see if Pakistanis had the same phone. He arrived in Pakistan, and again, in the first Mosque he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "One Rupee per call."

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Imam, I have traveled all over World and I have seen this same golden telephone in many Mosques. I am told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but everywhere the price was $10,000 per call."

"Why is it so cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered, "You are in Pakistan now, son - it is a local call".
Seriously

Wolverhampton, UK

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#10
Dec 9, 2012
 
'Abdullaah was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really angry.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Abdullaah has been missing since Friday.
Seriously

Wolverhampton, UK

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#11
Dec 9, 2012
 

Judged:

2

A man goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks
the assistant for an inflatable doll.

"Would you like male or female?"

"Female, please."

"Would you like Black or White?"

"White, please."

"Would you like Christian or Muslim?"

This question confused the man, so he asked,
"What has the religion got to do with it? It's an
inflatable doll!"

"Well," explained the assistant, "The Muslim one blows
itself up!"
Seriously

Wolverhampton, UK

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#12
Dec 9, 2012
 

Judged:

2

1

1

What do you call a Muslim flying a plane?

A terrorist.
george whyte

Market Rasen, UK

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#15
Jan 13, 2013
 

Judged:

7

4

1

What's the difference between Dar al-Islam and a pot of bio-yogurt?
The yogurt has a living culture :D
george whyte

Market Rasen, UK

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#16
Jan 13, 2013
 

Judged:

3

1

1

Adam And Eve (Muslim Version)

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php...
george whyte

Market Rasen, UK

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#17
Jan 13, 2013
 

Judged:

2

2

1

benifits of muslim marriage,

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php...

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#18
Jan 13, 2013
 

Judged:

8

7

5

george whyte wrote:
benifits of muslim marriage,
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php...
george, why doesn't your English improve? You live in the UK and you have to mix with real Englishmen so you will learn the language.
The picture is nice and showing two civilized humans. 
Seriously

Wolverhampton, UK

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#20
Jan 13, 2013
 

Judged:

3

2

Q: How do you tell a Sunni form A Shiite?

A: The Sunnis are the ones with the Shiite blown out of them.
Seriously

Wolverhampton, UK

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#21
Jan 13, 2013
 

Judged:

6

3

2

The Metropolitan Police found a carbomb outside Finsbury Park mosque. Luckily, they managed to push it inside before it went off.
Seriously

Wolverhampton, UK

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#22
Jan 13, 2013
 

Judged:

2

1

Police have ordered shops to remove all Muhammed teddy bears from sale.
They don't want shopkeepers to make a prophet out of it all.
Seriously

Wolverhampton, UK

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#23
Jan 13, 2013
 

Judged:

4

3

What do you call a Muslim with bacon on his brow? Ham head
What do you call a Muslim with 2 bits of bacon? Mo' Ham head

Tell me when this thread is updated: (Registration is not required)

Add to my Tracker Send me an email

Showing posts 1 - 20 of118
< prev page
|
Go to last page| Jump to page:
Type in your comments below
Name
(appears on your post)
Comments
Characters left: 4000
Type the numbers you see in the image on the right:

Please note by clicking on "Post Comment" you acknowledge that you have read the Terms of Service and the comment you are posting is in compliance with such terms. Be polite. Inappropriate posts may be removed by the moderator. Send us your feedback.

54 Users are viewing the Islam Forum right now

Search the Islam Forum:
Topic Updated Last By Comments
Islam Will Conquer Italy and the Entire West (Sep '10) 3 min Faith 353,481
JJ: Germany EXPELLS top CIA agent 6 min Dont trust Americans 7
How employers can support workers during Ramadhan 13 min Ganesh 9
Who Is Allah? (Aug '07) 20 min Kareem O Wheat 198,683
No Muslim can think of profaning holy Prophet (... (Jan '11) 21 min Pskak 49,036
Stars boycott hotels over Brunei Islamic law 29 min Sondal 118
Butt Out & Stay Out! Leave Christian affairs to... 2 hr REPENT forever 7
•••
•••
Enter and win $5000
•••
•••