“Commentaries”

Since: Apr 08

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#1 Oct 23, 2013
All you do is say that you are leaving. Whatever I do you say you are leaving. You are tormenting me. I have always been the outcast. I have never fit in. And now, I'm the ultimate outcast. After all that I have been through you just want to put me through that much more and it is driving me to destruction. Can't you see that. I'm so confused. I can't balance my life, my families life, and your lives without flaw. I've got my vices. I can't help that. Not without God and that seems to have become nearly a void in my life because of you lately. I almost did quit the energy shots until I had to quit praying or something like that.

I want to love you. I want you to love me. I want to make this work, but I can't be a slave to torment. I have things I have to do in my daily life, my family, my pups etc.. etc..

Please have some compassion. This might be the highest position you claim but after all I have been through look at me. Look at where I am!!! Fifteen to Seventeen years of Hell is a long time. Please don't make it twenty or thirty....or any more years of it. I've done so much to pay for my sins. I can't give more than what I am giving. And now I have almost lost my God. Even though you think my God is a God that killed me.

I know you think it's important to stay reduced. But can't we have some fun, too. Healthy fun. Can't you show me around a little bit. I would never torment someone the way you are tormenting me.

I know you are being kind too at the same time. I know you stand by my side twenty four hours a day seven days a week. I thank you for that. I greatly greatly thank you for that. But is this my life? I just feel so cheated. I don't want hell and I want to do everything in my power to avoid it. But there has got to be some way to keep the emoticon smiley face shining brightly more than twice a day for two seconds.

Have some compassion please. Don't strand me on the desert island. I'm not an island. And I'm not going to become a success by being an island. I don't want my life to be over. Can you care that much??

Spread the love. I try to spread it as much as I can. I know I need to try harder to spread it towards my family. It's just been difficult lately. Just be a part of my family, be my other family too.
Take care. Thank you for taking care of me so far. Don't go away. I need you, but I don't need to be reduced to ashes.

With great love,

McDowell

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