what would you do if you caught your child having sex before marriage?

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all work

Brisbane, Australia

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#1
Dec 28, 2009
 
What would you do if you found out your child, no matter what age, had become sexually active?

I grew up in a houshold with good morals, although my religion is not Christianity, decisions about my body have been left to me and I am still a virgin.

I was shocked to find out that a friend of mine (20) had to choose to either move out of home or break up with her boyfriend and attent thrice weekly church services/meeting because her parents were so upset that they had had sex.

Is it just me who thinks this is harsh and/or the wrong way to deal with the situation?

“ ILKS r kewl ”

Since: Apr 09

Conch republic

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#2
Dec 28, 2009
 

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Praise the lord! The bible commands it!

“so tell me......”

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#4
Dec 28, 2009
 

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all work wrote:
What would you do if you found out your child, no matter what age, had become sexually active?
I grew up in a houshold with good morals, although my religion is not Christianity, decisions about my body have been left to me and I am still a virgin.
I was shocked to find out that a friend of mine (20) had to choose to either move out of home or break up with her boyfriend and attent thrice weekly church services/meeting because her parents were so upset that they had had sex.
Is it just me who thinks this is harsh and/or the wrong way to deal with the situation?
At 20 years old your friend should be allowed to make her own decisions. The only time the parents would have any grounds to object would be if she and her boyfriend were having sex in the parents home as the parents should be allowed to have their own houserules respected.
The reaction of this young womans parents does seem rather draconian to me and IMO is more likey to work towards an eventual alienation between parents and child.

“"Matt. 4:4"”

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#5
Dec 28, 2009
 

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Your friend if living in her parents house should do as they ask or move.

“ ILKS r kewl ”

Since: Apr 09

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#6
Dec 28, 2009
 
1INCHRIST wrote:
Your friend if living in her parents house should do as they ask or move.
One of the few times we actually agree on something..........at 20 yrs of age, I agree.

“"Matt. 4:4"”

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#7
Dec 28, 2009
 

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Troth for Leogere wrote:
<quoted text>One of the few times we actually agree on something..........at 20 yrs of age, I agree.
Yes, she is old enough to get out. That is if she doesn't wish to follow their rules.
treehugger

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#8
Dec 28, 2009
 

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angelinaUK wrote:
<quoted text>At 20 years old your friend should be allowed to make her own decisions. The only time the parents would have any grounds to object would be if she and her boyfriend were having sex in the parents home as the parents should be allowed to have their own houserules respected.
The reaction of this young womans parents does seem rather draconian to me and IMO is more likey to work towards an eventual alienation between parents and child.
This really states conflicting opinions. What if the childs decisions are in conflict with the parents standards for those who live under their roof? I also think that the parents have a right to establish the mores of their own home. If the child is grown up enough to dispute the standards of the home, then she should be mature enough to support herself without assistance from the parents. It called personal responsibility

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#9
Dec 28, 2009
 

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treehugger wrote:
<quoted text>
This really states conflicting opinions. What if the childs decisions are in conflict with the parents standards for those who live under their roof? I also think that the parents have a right to establish the mores of their own home. If the child is grown up enough to dispute the standards of the home, then she should be mature enough to support herself without assistance from the parents. It called personal responsibility
I think the rules set down by the parents should definitly be respcted in their home but I don't see how the parents can impose their rules on an adult child when they are elsewhere i.e visiting someone elses home.
At 20 years old a lot of youngsters whilst adult are not earning enough to be able to afford their own home. I don't know of many parents who would kick a child out of their home because they disapprove of what that child is doing whilst elsewhere.
A bit like if an adult child smokes and the parents disapprove then the child should not smoke in the parents home but should be allowed to do so out of the home.
I have heard of parents that have said "You can choose to do what you like, just don't do it under my roof."
treehugger

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#10
Dec 28, 2009
 
angelinaUK wrote:
<quoted text>I think the rules set down by the parents should definitly be respcted in their home but I don't see how the parents can impose their rules on an adult child when they are elsewhere i.e visiting someone elses home.
At 20 years old a lot of youngsters whilst adult are not earning enough to be able to afford their own home. I don't know of many parents who would kick a child out of their home because they disapprove of what that child is doing whilst elsewhere.
A bit like if an adult child smokes and the parents disapprove then the child should not smoke in the parents home but should be allowed to do so out of the home.
I have heard of parents that have said "You can choose to do what you like, just don't do it under my roof."
My opinion is that as a parent, it dishonors my standards. Being an adult is not a funcion of age but of accepting responsibility for oneself. If the child isn't able to provide for thiemselves independently, perhaps they should consider conforming to the wishes of those subsidizing their lifestyle. Interfering in the lifestyle of other adults is not my business, but if someone lives in my house, their behavior cannot be distingushed as separate from my own, regardless of where that behavior occurs. What I permit as regards my dependent children, can be construed as condoning the behaviour.

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#11
Dec 28, 2009
 

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treehugger wrote:
<quoted text>
My opinion is that as a parent, it dishonors my standards. Being an adult is not a funcion of age but of accepting responsibility for oneself. If the child isn't able to provide for thiemselves independently, perhaps they should consider conforming to the wishes of those subsidizing their lifestyle. Interfering in the lifestyle of other adults is not my business, but if someone lives in my house, their behavior cannot be distingushed as separate from my own, regardless of where that behavior occurs. What I permit as regards my dependent children, can be construed as condoning the behaviour.
But how can you know that your rules of conduct ar ebeing followed outside of the house? And how far would you take that?
Are ypu only referring to sexual behaviour or also to things like language, smoking, dress choices, what and where to eat?

Do you have children of the age in question? If so how do you enforce your standards on them? And if you didn't like the behaviour of your child outside of the home would you tell them to leave the family home even if they obeyed your rules whilst in your home?
treehugger

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#12
Dec 28, 2009
 

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angelinaUK wrote:
<quoted text>But how can you know that your rules of conduct ar ebeing followed outside of the house? And how far would you take that?
Are ypu only referring to sexual behaviour or also to things like language, smoking, dress choices, what and where to eat?
Do you have children of the age in question? If so how do you enforce your standards on them? And if you didn't like the behaviour of your child outside of the home would you tell them to leave the family home even if they obeyed your rules whilst in your home?
Actually, this topic is pertinent to me as I have just evicted, abeit with sorrow, my grown son from our house, due to his acohol consumption. I wont divulge the particulars, but I will say that he was well aware of his parents position on such an issue, but chose to indulge his desires. And I should also say that my other children who have, on occasion have returned home for short periods, have not had issue with modifying their behavior, if necessary, to the family standards.

As regards your query as to knowledge. I don't choose to police adults that know my expectations of them, but given that I do learn of the behavior, and there is refusal to conform to the family standards, they are free to find their own way unfettered.

My children have no doubt as to the behavior expected of them when they represent their heritage. As the patriarch, I have determined and they have been taught since childhood, and yes it does include the other items you mention.

And again, we are speaking of their behavior while I am providing some means of their maintenance. On the instance of my living under their roof, I would expect to conform to their wishes, or depart if an impass existed.

“ ILKS r kewl ”

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#13
Dec 28, 2009
 

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treehugger wrote:
<quoted text>
My opinion is that as a parent, it dishonors my standards. Being an adult is not a funcion of age but of accepting responsibility for oneself. If the child isn't able to provide for thiemselves independently, perhaps they should consider conforming to the wishes of those subsidizing their lifestyle. Interfering in the lifestyle of other adults is not my business, but if someone lives in my house, their behavior cannot be distingushed as separate from my own, regardless of where that behavior occurs. What I permit as regards my dependent children, can be construed as condoning the behaviour.
Absolutely correct!

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#14
Dec 28, 2009
 

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I'd immediately snag a Plan "B" prescription and stress its vital role in any relationship.

I'd also re-emphasize that you don't need to be married to engage in sexual activities.
Hope

Warrensburg, MO

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#15
Dec 28, 2009
 

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angelinaUK wrote:
<quoted text>But how can you know that your rules of conduct ar ebeing followed outside of the house? And how far would you take that?
Are ypu only referring to sexual behaviour or also to things like language, smoking, dress choices, what and where to eat?
Do you have children of the age in question? If so how do you enforce your standards on them? And if you didn't like the behaviour of your child outside of the home would you tell them to leave the family home even if they obeyed your rules whilst in your home?
Angelinia,
We have a show here called 'Dr Phil' which at times deals with free-loading children who are adults, but are belligerent about following the rules set in the home. If one of the rules is you need to get up in the morning and look for a job. And the child fails to follow the rules because he parties until four with his friends and not get up. His behavior outside of the home effects his behavior within the home. Another example is drug use. Drug use outside of the home effects the behavior within the home. I hope this helps explain it.

“so tell me......”

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#16
Dec 28, 2009
 
Hope wrote:
<quoted text>
Angelinia,
We have a show here called 'Dr Phil' which at times deals with free-loading children who are adults, but are belligerent about following the rules set in the home. If one of the rules is you need to get up in the morning and look for a job. And the child fails to follow the rules because he parties until four with his friends and not get up. His behavior outside of the home effects his behavior within the home. Another example is drug use. Drug use outside of the home effects the behavior within the home. I hope this helps explain it.
Thanks hope, we too have children like this in the UK.
However the question that has been posed by the OP is about sexual relationships and I have to wonder is it really a parents right to impose their own sexual rules on an adult child who lives with them.

“so tell me......”

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#17
Dec 28, 2009
 
I would like to pose anpther sinilar question here;

How would fellow posters react if an unmarried daughter informed then she was pregnant?
Would you support her or disown her?

“so tell me......”

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#18
Dec 28, 2009
 
Sorry about the typos, its early morning and I'm typing in half light.

anpther = another
sinilar = similar

“God Loves Ilks!”

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#20
Dec 29, 2009
 
angelinaUK wrote:
I would like to pose anpther sinilar question here;
How would fellow posters react if an unmarried daughter informed then she was pregnant?
Would you support her or disown her?
My own answer here, I would not disown her.
Nope.
I would give all the emotional support and love I could muster.
The choices would be hers as to whether to marry, or be a single mom.
Simon

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#21
Dec 29, 2009
 

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we know what you fundies would do, pull a Sarah Palin and claim your daughter was having the baby JAYYYZUSSSSSS

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#22
Dec 29, 2009
 

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Years ago a niece was in this position. My grandfather was concerned as he had not seen this favorite grandchild for over a month. Grandpa finally tracked her down by phone. She broke down and explained she was pregnant and was too embarassed to face my grandparents (they were very strict and conservative).

My granfather's response - "Now you listen very carefully. If you think you are the first person in history, or this family, to have a child out of wedlock you are very mistaken. Now you get over to our house asap so we can see you."

Grandpa passed away years ago, but I will always remember his response. Grandpa was able to put away all else and come to my niece's side knowing she was scared and in need of love.

Short of a child becoming a mass murderer, I cannot comprehend abandoning a child.

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