Marriered and Celibate!

Marriered and Celibate!

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One Small Bite

United States

#1 Feb 15, 2013
"In recent months I’ve begun to use the phrase “involuntary celibacy” to describe my current sexual status. I keep the phrase mainly to myself with an occasional exception, when I find a listening ear.

It’s really quite tragic. But the term is rather fitting, since I have about as much of a sex life as a typical priest. I like to joke to myself that the difference between me and a priest is that the priest wears a collar. But it’s also that the priest entered his lifestyle willingly. On the contrary, part of the reason I married was because I knew I couldn’t bear to be celibate. What a sick twist of fate.

And one thing that’s taken me years of “sex deprivation” to realize is that it’s not just orgasm that I crave. You can have those on your own and still feel void. And it’s not just “sex” per se, either, that I need. It’s an emotional intimacy, a bond, a joy-filled exchange of love; being with another person who wants to be with me and wants to please me and desires me to please them.

I won’t go into all the 101 things that I have tried and that we together have tried over the past 17 years to “fix” the situation.

The point that needs to be clear is that if God wants you to NOT be in a sexually intimate relationship for some reason, He can thwart your efforts to the contrary to make sure it doesn’t happen.

God might have let me give in to having an affair with someone, but He didn’t. Sometimes I feel it’s a miracle that I haven’t. Sometimes, perhaps when He’s most concerned with the outcome (or perhaps when He’s dealing with a particularly stubborn subject), God will intervene in our lives, for our own good, despite all our efforts to the contrary.

Look what happened to Jonah when he tried to hop on a ship headed for the other side of the world when he knew God wanted him in Ninevah. God was on his tail. You can’t run from God. So when He has your attention, you might as well try to listen. Maybe He’s trying to tell us something. And maybe only when we hear it will He let us go. Maybe there is still something I need to learn before I can experience the sexual relationship I so desire.

Maybe He wants to make sure that I’m not going to let sex “turn my heart away” from Him, like all those foreign wives did to Solomon. Maybe He wants me to be a more mature recipient of that blessing, so it doesn’t replace my passion for Him.

Maybe I have been running away somehow. I’ve been sort of whining and complaining to God about wanting a lover for so long, while I have perhaps been “running” from a deeper spiritual relationship with Him. Maybe that must come first.

Perhaps I have turned my desire for intimacy into an idol. I’m sure I want it more than I want God, which violates God’s greatest commandment to love Him with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength. Perhaps instead of seeking first for the kingdom of God and His righteousness, I’m seeking first for sex. Whatever it is, I need to try to sit still and listen.

I think God does want me to have a good sex life.(Man…that was really hard to say! I’ve never said this before and have spent more time journaling as if I’m Job and that God’s trying to kill me. I need to focus on the truth…) But if I’ve begun to want sex more than God, He might take the drastic step of holding back the sex to prevent me from idolatry, while trying to lure me to truly love Him first.

I just think it’s important for God’s children to realize that sex isn’t a right, even for married people. It’s a gift from God. And I think that having the right attitude of humility before God should be our first step in reaching that wholeness.

For now I’m going to focus on my wife’s needs and try to show her God’s love."
Cisco Kid

Columbia, CA

#2 Feb 15, 2013
One Small Bite wrote:
"In recent months I’ve begun to use the phrase “involuntary celibacy” to describe my current sexual status. I keep the phrase mainly to myself with an occasional exception, when I find a listening ear.
It’s really quite tragic. But the term is rather fitting, since I have about as much of a sex life as a typical priest........"
I feel your pain.

I remember my first wife.
We decided to give up smoking cigarettes, we agreed to only smoke after having sex.

After a week I had only smoked one cigarette, she was on her second pack.
That's when it hit me!........Something not so funny was going on.

I got rid of that wife AND the cigarettes.
Found a new wife that REALLY SMOKES.....in bed!
Punisher

Bronxville, NY

#3 Feb 16, 2013
whats wrong with your post? Besides the rambling aspects...and that you're publicly discussing some private things between you and your wife.
Punisher

Bronxville, NY

#4 Feb 16, 2013
BTW - its Married.
One Small Bite

United States

#5 Feb 16, 2013
Cisco Kid wrote:
<quoted text>I feel your pain.

I remember my first wife.
We decided to give up smoking cigarettes, we agreed to only smoke after having sex.

After a week I had only smoked one cigarette, she was on her second pack.
That's when it hit me!........Something not so funny was going on.

I got rid of that wife AND the cigarettes.
Found a new wife that REALLY SMOKES.....in bed!
Too Funny!

Thanks I needed that
One Small Bite

United States

#6 Feb 16, 2013
Punisher wrote:
whats wrong with your post? Besides the rambling aspects...and that you're publicly discussing some private things between you and your wife.
Well there is nothing private between me and my wife. Hence the post.
One Small Bite

United States

#7 Feb 16, 2013
Punisher wrote:
BTW - its Married.
Lol

Ya I know
One Small Bite

United States

#8 Feb 16, 2013
Punisher wrote:
whats wrong with your post? Besides the rambling aspects...and that you're publicly discussing some private things between you and your wife.
Another comment on your response.
First this is a Christian form so I figured I could discuss an issue and maybe save a holy thing such as my marriage.

Second there is nothing private about two people living under the same roof.
She lives in the upstairs bed room I live down stairs. No need for privacy there.
There is no good mornings, no good nights, no kisses, no hugs.

Third I'm not hurting her or me here because I might get some good advice but no one needs to know who we are.

So yes what's wrong with my post?(Other then Marriereder. LOL)
Lordofnuts

Waxhaw, NC

#9 Feb 16, 2013
Next time just post a link to the page instead of copying all this garbage.

http://strengtheningmarriage.com/blog/marriag...

“so tell me......”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#10 Feb 16, 2013
One Small Bite wrote:
<quoted text>
Another comment on your response.
First this is a Christian form so I figured I could discuss an issue and maybe save a holy thing such as my marriage.
Second there is nothing private about two people living under the same roof.
She lives in the upstairs bed room I live down stairs. No need for privacy there.
There is no good mornings, no good nights, no kisses, no hugs.
Third I'm not hurting her or me here because I might get some good advice but no one needs to know who we are.
So yes what's wrong with my post?(Other then Marriereder. LOL)
Maybe you should start to try romancing her again in the way you did before you married. What woman can resist a bit of wooing. Buy her flowers, cook her meal, compliment her, ask her out on a date. Treat her as if you only just met her and want to get to know her.
One Small Bite

United States

#11 Feb 16, 2013
Lordofnuts wrote:
Next time just post a link to the page instead of copying all this garbage.

http://strengtheningmarriage.com/blog/marriag...
Why?
One Small Bite

United States

#12 Feb 16, 2013
angelinaUK wrote:
<quoted text>Maybe you should start to try romancing her again in the way you did before you married. What woman can resist a bit of wooing. Buy her flowers, cook her meal, compliment her, ask her out on a date. Treat her as if you only just met her and want to get to know her.
Did that done that, flowers, candy vacations, dinners. Not even a kiss.
In fact cussing because the candy will get her fat. This one is not that easy
Lordofnuts

Waxhaw, NC

#13 Feb 16, 2013
One Small Bite wrote:
<quoted text>
Why?
© Copyright 2012 Laura M. Brotherson. All rights reserved.
One Small Bite

United States

#14 Feb 16, 2013
Lordofnuts wrote:
<quoted text>© Copyright 2012 Laura M. Brotherson. All rights reserved.
No such copy right!

http://strengtheningmarriage.com/blog/marriag...

“so tell me......”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#15 Feb 17, 2013
One Small Bite wrote:
<quoted text>
Did that done that, flowers, candy vacations, dinners. Not even a kiss.
In fact cussing because the candy will get her fat. This one is not that easy
Have you asked her why she is giving you the cold shoulder?
How old is she? Maybe her hormones are out of synch and she needs to see a doctor.

“so tell me......”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#16 Feb 17, 2013
One Small Bite wrote:
<quoted text>
Did that done that, flowers, candy vacations, dinners. Not even a kiss.
In fact cussing because the candy will get her fat. This one is not that easy
The other thing that occurs to me is to wonder if you have altered very much over the years, maybe let yourself go a bit and that she just doesn't fancy what she sees anymore.
For example have you gained a huge amount of weight or let your personal grooming slip a bit?
Some people, once they have snared their man/woman tend to get complacent and think it doesn't matter how they look anymore.
Make sure you look as good as you can,work on your physical appearance. Dress good, smell nice, not just for your wife but for yourself. Give yourself a make over and your self esteem will get boost and jut maybe the lady will start to sit up and take notice.

Since: Aug 08

Somewhere in Ireland

#17 Feb 17, 2013
angelinaUK wrote:
<quoted text>The other thing that occurs to me is to wonder if you have altered very much over the years, maybe let yourself go a bit and that she just doesn't fancy what she sees anymore.
For example have you gained a huge amount of weight or let your personal grooming slip a bit?
Some people, once they have snared their man/woman tend to get complacent and think it doesn't matter how they look anymore.
Make sure you look as good as you can,work on your physical appearance. Dress good, smell nice, not just for your wife but for yourself. Give yourself a make over and your self esteem will get boost and jut maybe the lady will start to sit up and take notice.
Good advice Angelina, I have been married for 43 years and whilst there are certain things that you take for granted in a relationship, there are other things that you take for granted at your peril!

“so tell me......”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#18 Feb 17, 2013
par five wrote:
<quoted text>
Good advice Angelina, I have been married for 43 years and whilst there are certain things that you take for granted in a relationship, there are other things that you take for granted at your peril!
Too right Par. We should never take each other for granted. I've been married for 32 years and we still treat each other as if we are dating.
Punisher

Massapequa, NY

#19 Feb 17, 2013
angelinaUK wrote:
<quoted text>Too right Par. We should never take each other for granted. I've been married for 32 years and we still treat each other as if we are dating.
Right on.

Works for us too. We made a pact to never fall into a rut, no matter how easy it makes our lives. We still make dates, we still play, we still act like inquisitive young lovers - and in reality since we are ever growing adults in body, mind and spirit - there are always new things to discover and figure out. We are not the same people we were 20+ years ago...so why would what we know of each other be the same today...? Plus I can no more mind read now then I could then...so we talk a lot...even if its silly stuff...
Punisher

Massapequa, NY

#20 Feb 17, 2013
One Small Bite wrote:
<quoted text>
Well there is nothing private between me and my wife. Hence the post.
So says the man in the dog house.

Did you plagiarize someone elses material...? Which is why your original post is all full of indecipherable script. Or did you not notice...

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