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“The Black Mermaid”

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#1
Aug 19, 2012
 

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I have nobody to talk to but you, perhaps a couple of others. I AM VERY SICK. I'm sure a lot here will be glad to hear of that, "religious" as they are. I don't know how much more of this illness I can take, plus my husband, whom I love with all my heart, is even sicker than I am. No, I'm not going to take my life - I'm afraid to die. You out there who hate me can take your perverse joy in my agony and run away with it. I have come here and to other places trying to get God in my life but it is not to be. What do I do? There is very little hope, if any. The emotional pain is far worse than the physical. God has been punishing me since the day I was born and He's done a good job of it. There is no mercy - not for me. A lot of people hate me because I'm not a homophobe- I will not hurt homosexuals for something they were born with! If you out there who hate me wish me terrible things - then rejoice, because they are happening. I have never taken pleasure in another's suffering even if I don't like them, but it's not like that here. Pax, can you answer me? I have NOWHERE else to turn! God won't acknowledge me and no matter what anyone thinks, I am not the worst person in the world. I have been stabbed in the back by so many I trusted - I can't take any more! Now I can barely walk at all but that's not my main concern - it's the emotional pain that is killing me. I hope to see you later. There are people far worse than me, believe it or not. My life is over. Pax, you're a good person, don't forget that. You never hurt me.

“The Black Mermaid”

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#2
Aug 19, 2012
 

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Pax, no offense, but never mind. I've been to a number of other religion forums and have found that none are as hateful as this one. I'm NOT referring to you- you're a kind soul and quite charitable but this particular forum is conducive to division, anger and constant disagreements, even among the Catholics who "claim" they believe the same teachings of the RCC. People seem to contradict themselves all the time, even taking obvious pleasure in telling some they're going to hell for sure. Those types are a little too complacent for their own good, too damn sure of themselves. They seem to revel in the role of "executioner" and they are far off the beaten path of the teachings Christ tried so hard to convey. So many here push well-meaning people away. I'm too sick to care about arguing or even debating with many of these ignoramuses. The only interest left in this forum for me is the humor - and it often gets downright funny.

I want so much to get well, or at least improve, for my expectant grandson first week of Oct. but I've had every treatment that's available yet my muscles don't respond. I know there are people worse off than me, but I'm extremely limited in almost every type of movement and there is no cure. Still, I'm far more concerned about my husband to the point I'm mentally exhausted. Our home (which is lovely if I do say so myself) has become more like a sick bay. We both know we're declining and the tremendous amount of joy we used to have in just plain every day living isn't there any more. Well, just wanted to talk to you. Will try to get online tomorrow but it's getting more and more difficult - all I want to do is sleep. Good luck to you, Pax.
PAUL SHYKORA ARTs

Calgary, Canada

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#3
Aug 20, 2012
 

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..OTHER's DO ''CARE'',here...dHey just do not ...adveritise their ''personal'' issues,here....
Pax et Bonum

Akron, OH

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#4
Aug 20, 2012
 

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Sherlayne, I am glad that you feel free to try to contact me on this site. I have found topix as you have a place of contention and downright meanness. There is much disagreement with being disagreeable at the same time. It makes it hard to have serious discussions but I still try. I guess I try because this site has taught me how to try to be my best even if the person I am attempting to dialogue with is not being theirs. You and I have talked a lot on different threads. I know that you have been going through a lot. I know how much your husband means to you and how you have worried about him. Declining health is a cross that is hard to carry but it is yours to carry at this time. I firmly believe that you do not carry this cross alone. There are people in your life who care about you. There are people on these threads who know your story and also care about you. You have a grandchild coming. This is a precious gift you want to be present for. keep reaching out to God. You are not the first who have not felt God's presence but God is there. I do not see God as a punishing God but a God of love. Life is hard. It just is but there is sweetness too. Those sweet moments are the ones to hold onto. I hope you read this. I hope to stay in touch. I am getting ready for school to start and I too am so tired I just don't even have the energy to get online some days. Don't think it is because I don't want to be in contact with you. Keep on keeping on as best you can. Take it a day at a time maybe half a day. My prayers are with you. May you find the peace you so long for.

“The Black Mermaid”

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#5
Aug 20, 2012
 

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Pax et Bonum wrote:
Sherlayne, I am glad that you feel free to try to contact me on this site. I have found topix as you have a place of contention and downright meanness. There is much disagreement with being disagreeable at the same time. It makes it hard to have serious discussions but I still try. I guess I try because this site has taught me how to try to be my best even if the person I am attempting to dialogue with is not being theirs. You and I have talked a lot on different threads. I know that you have been going through a lot. I know how much your husband means to you and how you have worried about him. Declining health is a cross that is hard to carry but it is yours to carry at this time. I firmly believe that you do not carry this cross alone. There are people in your life who care about you. There are people on these threads who know your story and also care about you. You have a grandchild coming. This is a precious gift you want to be present for. keep reaching out to God. You are not the first who have not felt God's presence but God is there. I do not see God as a punishing God but a God of love. Life is hard. It just is but there is sweetness too. Those sweet moments are the ones to hold onto. I hope you read this. I hope to stay in touch. I am getting ready for school to start and I too am so tired I just don't even have the energy to get online some days. Don't think it is because I don't want to be in contact with you. Keep on keeping on as best you can. Take it a day at a time maybe half a day. My prayers are with you. May you find the peace you so long for.
Pax, I'm sorry to hear you're also tired. I know that feeling well. I wish I could feel God's presence; it has happened to me a few times in my life. Your prayers mean more to me than I can express. Yes, our grandson due first week of Oct. is a wonderful blessing! Having babies is of course an every day happening, but something I consider a type of miracle. My husband tries to remain active but tires easily. He had a doctor's checkup earlier and got a fair report. I began counseling today (I was supposed to start Weds. but had to fill out a lot of paperwork) and this will come as a surprise, but it's with a nun - a secular nun who is a psychologist; I had her before many years ago. I had to get help for the sadness and pain I'm going through. She is very ecumenical and has many degrees in psychology and her office is a five-minute drive from my house. After speaking with her for just about a half hour, it made a positive difference, so I think I may be on the right track. She advised me to say a short prayer with my husband every night and we started that just before dinner. My husband has a lot more faith than I do. I'm sure you'd like him. This sister is really something else. She's got to be close to 80, but helped me out to my car due to my difficulty in walking. Her mind is clear as a 30-year old's, amazing. She and her staff counsel people of all faiths. She helped me a lot years ago when I had difficulty; she told me it was my relationship (or lack thereof) with my mother, whose love I craved but never got. Now that my mother is deceased, I'll never know the joy of a mother and daughter closeness and I feel cheated, yet I had the very strong bond with my maternal grandparents so I was very blessed in that way also.

Goodness, I have rambled on, but the pain (both physical and emotional) has been horrendous. I've never been ashamed to ask for help and I'm so glad I started with her. I wish you the best of luck and success in school - one can never get too much education. May I ask what it is you're majoring in?

Pax, you are truly a special person who is kind to all. You're in my prayers also, if my prayers count. Thanks for your beautiful and understanding post. The reason for my past anger (NOT TOWARDS YOU, but towards others) has been because I have been hurt so many times. I'm sorry.

“The Black Mermaid”

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#6
Aug 20, 2012
 

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Pax, I don't know what happened! I just typed a long post to you but it hasn't shown up - perhaps it will soon.

“The Black Mermaid”

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#7
Aug 20, 2012
 

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Oh yeah, there it is! Love you, Pax.
PAUL SHYKORA arts

Calgary, Canada

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#8
Aug 21, 2012
 

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PAUL SHYKORA ARTs wrote:
..OTHER's DO ''CARE'',here...dHey just do not ...adveritise their ''personal'' issues,here....
..yes...amen...eh...(+)...yada u
Pax et Bonum

Akron, OH

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#9
Aug 21, 2012
 

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Sherlayne wrote:
<quoted text>
Pax, I'm sorry to hear you're also tired. I know that feeling well. I wish I could feel God's presence; it has happened to me a few times in my life. Your prayers mean more to me than I can express. Yes, our grandson due first week of Oct. is a wonderful blessing! Having babies is of course an every day happening, but something I consider a type of miracle. My husband tries to remain active but tires easily. He had a doctor's checkup earlier and got a fair report. I began counseling today (I was supposed to start Weds. but had to fill out a lot of paperwork) and this will come as a surprise, but it's with a nun - a secular nun who is a psychologist; I had her before many years ago. I had to get help for the sadness and pain I'm going through. She is very ecumenical and has many degrees in psychology and her office is a five-minute drive from my house. After speaking with her for just about a half hour, it made a positive difference, so I think I may be on the right track. She advised me to say a short prayer with my husband every night and we started that just before dinner. My husband has a lot more faith than I do. I'm sure you'd like him. This sister is really something else. She's got to be close to 80, but helped me out to my car due to my difficulty in walking. Her mind is clear as a 30-year old's, amazing. She and her staff counsel people of all faiths. She helped me a lot years ago when I had difficulty; she told me it was my relationship (or lack thereof) with my mother, whose love I craved but never got. Now that my mother is deceased, I'll never know the joy of a mother and daughter closeness and I feel cheated, yet I had the very strong bond with my maternal grandparents so I was very blessed in that way also.
Goodness, I have rambled on, but the pain (both physical and emotional) has been horrendous. I've never been ashamed to ask for help and I'm so glad I started with her. I wish you the best of luck and success in school - one can never get too much education. May I ask what it is you're majoring in?
Pax, you are truly a special person who is kind to all. You're in my prayers also, if my prayers count. Thanks for your beautiful and understanding post. The reason for my past anger (NOT TOWARDS YOU, but towards others) has been because I have been hurt so many times. I'm sorry.
I am so glad you have reached out to this sister. She sounds like a wise woman and just what you need. I have had counseling before and it is such a help. I like that she asked that you and your husband take some time to pray together. May it bring you both a sense of peace and calmness as you both continue to deal with the day to day realities of life and health. I am actually a teacher and getting ready for school to start was my needing to be in the classroom and getting things ready for my students. I was putting up bulletin boards today. We have meetings tomorrow but I hope to get my desk in order so I can start lesson planning. It is easy to get hurt on these threads. I have had people turn on me. I guess it comes with the territory. Anonomous posters can let themselves go wherever they want and write things they would not say in person. It is a problem all over the net and not just here. The other thing is that words on a screen can only say so much. In person you get voice inflection and facial expressions that can often tone down what is being said. Do continue to rest and take care of yourself. When do you get to see the sister again?

“The Black Mermaid”

Since: Aug 11

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#10
Aug 21, 2012
 

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Pax et Bonum wrote:
<quoted text>
I am so glad you have reached out to this sister. She sounds like a wise woman and just what you need. I have had counseling before and it is such a help. I like that she asked that you and your husband take some time to pray together. May it bring you both a sense of peace and calmness as you both continue to deal with the day to day realities of life and health. I am actually a teacher and getting ready for school to start was my needing to be in the classroom and getting things ready for my students. I was putting up bulletin boards today. We have meetings tomorrow but I hope to get my desk in order so I can start lesson planning. It is easy to get hurt on these threads. I have had people turn on me. I guess it comes with the territory. Anonomous posters can let themselves go wherever they want and write things they would not say in person. It is a problem all over the net and not just here. The other thing is that words on a screen can only say so much. In person you get voice inflection and facial expressions that can often tone down what is being said. Do continue to rest and take care of yourself. When do you get to see the sister again?
I see Sr. Thomasina later on today (yep, I'm up during the night again). I see her at 10:00 a.m.

This Paul Shykora - is he real? Perhaps I shouldn't be discussing my personal issues here, but I figure if you can't do so on a religious forum, where can you? I should think the truly religious would understand, but I may be wrong. Lord knows I've been wrong before, LOL. And you're right about words on a screen - no matter how we sound, none of us truly know each other and might be very surprised if we met. I can sound "sassy" but I actually am very soft-hearted in person. Not as forgiving in real life as I used to be though; I've been betrayed by some I trusted and it HURT. I may be a lot of things, but I don't lie (except about being a mermaid) and I'm loyal. One example - we took in a "friend" some time ago who had no place to go, charged a ridiculously low room-and-board, yet she STOLE from us. Had we been able to prove it, we'd have pressed charges. You can imagine our sense of betrayal.

My biggest fear at this time is that I may be losing my husband. I see him failing a little more each day and it's tearing me apart. He has chronic congestive heart failure and very bad lungs. He went to our reg. doctor last night and he said "all was fine" but he may be just telling me that so I won't worry. He sees his cardio on Thurs. and I'll be going with him. I am sick with fear. My own illness is debilitating but not deadly. My husband and I are praying together, simple little prayers of adoration and asking for hope and help. I'm also praying for FAITH, the faith I had when I was young - it was quite strong then.

So you're a teacher! That's wonderful!!! I remember many of my former teachers with great fondness - good teachers have such a positive and permanent effect on students. The only thing I ever taught was 7th grade CCD and at that age I'm sorry to say the kids were awful! I will say in their defense that the books they were given to study from were more on 4th grade level - 7th graders are not naive like we were when we were that age! I taught that one year and never went back, LOL. When I was studying at that age I remember it as a beautiful experience and I'd hoped to share that with the kids but it was not to be. Well, I tried :)

Talk to you soon and thanks for your encouragement; I sure can use it!
PAUL SHYKORA arts

Calgary, Canada

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#11
Aug 22, 2012
 

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PAUL SHYKORA arts wrote:
<quoted text>..yes...amen...eh...(+ )...yada u
...amen....LOVE Me self...more...eh....(+)...yada u u
Pax et Bonum

Akron, OH

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#12
Aug 23, 2012
 

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Sherlayne wrote:
<quoted text>
I see Sr. Thomasina later on today (yep, I'm up during the night again). I see her at 10:00 a.m.
This Paul Shykora - is he real? Perhaps I shouldn't be discussing my personal issues here, but I figure if you can't do so on a religious forum, where can you? I should think the truly religious would understand, but I may be wrong. Lord knows I've been wrong before, LOL. And you're right about words on a screen - no matter how we sound, none of us truly know each other and might be very surprised if we met. I can sound "sassy" but I actually am very soft-hearted in person. Not as forgiving in real life as I used to be though; I've been betrayed by some I trusted and it HURT. I may be a lot of things, but I don't lie (except about being a mermaid) and I'm loyal. One example - we took in a "friend" some time ago who had no place to go, charged a ridiculously low room-and-board, yet she STOLE from us. Had we been able to prove it, we'd have pressed charges. You can imagine our sense of betrayal.
My biggest fear at this time is that I may be losing my husband. I see him failing a little more each day and it's tearing me apart. He has chronic congestive heart failure and very bad lungs. He went to our reg. doctor last night and he said "all was fine" but he may be just telling me that so I won't worry. He sees his cardio on Thurs. and I'll be going with him. I am sick with fear. My own illness is debilitating but not deadly. My husband and I are praying together, simple little prayers of adoration and asking for hope and help. I'm also praying for FAITH, the faith I had when I was young - it was quite strong then.
So you're a teacher! That's wonderful!!! I remember many of my former teachers with great fondness - good teachers have such a positive and permanent effect on students. The only thing I ever taught was 7th grade CCD and at that age I'm sorry to say the kids were awful! I will say in their defense that the books they were given to study from were more on 4th grade level - 7th graders are not naive like we were when we were that age! I taught that one year and never went back, LOL. When I was studying at that age I remember it as a beautiful experience and I'd hoped to share that with the kids but it was not to be. Well, I tried :)
Talk to you soon and thanks for your encouragement; I sure can use it!
I would say that anyone on this site should feel free to discuss anything they feel like discussing. If someone has a problem with that they don't have to read the posts.
I am now posting on Thursday evening and I would really like to know how your husban's appointment went and how your meeting with sister went also. This is of course if you want to share this. There is so much more that can be done with congestive heart failure than in the past. I remember relitives being diagnosed with it when I was younger and it was a death sentence. Now it is more a cronic condition. Not pleasant but al least something one can live with.
I am glad you are keeping with the prayers. I remember a wise priest saying that "God may not answer your prayers in your time but when He does answer them it is always the right time." Your asking for faith is a good one. I will pray for this for you also.
Yes, I am a teacher. This is my 28th year in the classroom. I love it but it is a lot of work. I was so tired last night I was asleep by 9:00 pm. I didn't wake up untill my alarm went off at 5:30 this morning. This doesn't happen that often so I was really tired. I have also taught CCD and was lucky that the students I had were pretty good most of the time.
Again if I don't check in as often it is not because I don't want to but am too tired or busy with school to do so.

“The Black Mermaid”

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#13
Aug 23, 2012
 

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Pax et Bonum wrote:
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I would say that anyone on this site should feel free to discuss anything they feel like discussing. If someone has a problem with that they don't have to read the posts.
I am now posting on Thursday evening and I would really like to know how your husban's appointment went and how your meeting with sister went also. This is of course if you want to share this. There is so much more that can be done with congestive heart failure than in the past. I remember relitives being diagnosed with it when I was younger and it was a death sentence. Now it is more a cronic condition. Not pleasant but al least something one can live with.
I am glad you are keeping with the prayers. I remember a wise priest saying that "God may not answer your prayers in your time but when He does answer them it is always the right time." Your asking for faith is a good one. I will pray for this for you also.
Yes, I am a teacher. This is my 28th year in the classroom. I love it but it is a lot of work. I was so tired last night I was asleep by 9:00 pm. I didn't wake up untill my alarm went off at 5:30 this morning. This doesn't happen that often so I was really tired. I have also taught CCD and was lucky that the students I had were pretty good most of the time.
Again if I don't check in as often it is not because I don't want to but am too tired or busy with school to do so.
Dear Pax, you're right - people don't have to read posts they don't like. I had to postpone appt w/Sr. Thomasina til Mon., but I did talk to her on the phone. My husband was so sick I didn't want to leave him; she understood. Somehow just speaking with her calms me down. Early this morning I had to take him for a test on his legs to see if any leg arteries are blocked. They said that could be why he's falling and needs a cane. I'm almost hoping they find a (slight) blockage so they can fix it! He sleeps nearly all the time, and I know that's not a good sign. Pax, he is such a loving person; he doesn't talk religion, but LIVES it every day. He's probably the most unselfish person I've ever met and it's hurting him so much that he can't be active now, though he tries. I guess it begs the question - Why do bad things happen to good people? He has a lot of faith- I hope it will rub off on me. I used to have it for most of my life, then I don't know what happened. It wasn't the scandals, I never blamed that on the church, only on the bad people who took advantage of young kids.

It's been a long day, I don't think I'm ever NOT exhausted. My husband and I are nearing the end of our lives; we've had a wonderful, loving and close marriage, so how can we not feel sad now? It all goes by too sad.

Don't worry, I know you're busy, take your time, I want you to be happy :) God be with you.

“The Black Mermaid”

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#14
Aug 23, 2012
 

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typo - it all goes by too FAST.
paul shykora arts

Calgary, Canada

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#15
Aug 24, 2012
 

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..LOVE Me Self...more....

“The Black Mermaid”

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#16
Aug 25, 2012
 

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So you admit the obvious - your self-love comes first! LOL - you're not even a real person :)
paul shykora arts

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#17
Aug 25, 2012
 

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PAUL SHYKORA arts wrote:
<quoted text>...amen....LOVE Me self...more...eh....(+)...yada u u
..''YES''...yada u u....

“The Black Mermaid”

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#18
Aug 26, 2012
 

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Pauly, nothing wrong with loving yourself as long as you don't do it selfishly - there's a big difference. You seem to strongly dislike anyone who doesn't think exactly as you do, and the time will never come when everybody's beliefs match perfectly.
Pax et Bonum

Lake Milton, OH

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#19
Aug 27, 2012
 

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Sherlayne wrote:
<quoted text>
Dear Pax, you're right - people don't have to read posts they don't like. I had to postpone appt w/Sr. Thomasina til Mon., but I did talk to her on the phone. My husband was so sick I didn't want to leave him; she understood. Somehow just speaking with her calms me down. Early this morning I had to take him for a test on his legs to see if any leg arteries are blocked. They said that could be why he's falling and needs a cane. I'm almost hoping they find a (slight) blockage so they can fix it! He sleeps nearly all the time, and I know that's not a good sign. Pax, he is such a loving person; he doesn't talk religion, but LIVES it every day. He's probably the most unselfish person I've ever met and it's hurting him so much that he can't be active now, though he tries. I guess it begs the question - Why do bad things happen to good people? He has a lot of faith- I hope it will rub off on me. I used to have it for most of my life, then I don't know what happened. It wasn't the scandals, I never blamed that on the church, only on the bad people who took advantage of young kids.
It's been a long day, I don't think I'm ever NOT exhausted. My husband and I are nearing the end of our lives; we've had a wonderful, loving and close marriage, so how can we not feel sad now? It all goes by too sad.
Don't worry, I know you're busy, take your time, I want you to be happy :) God be with you.
There was a whole book on the "Why Do Bad Things Happen to Good People". It was written by a rabbi. I read it and it was interesting but since Jesus didn't enter into the rabbi's thought process the book didn't go far enough. I read somewhere that Jesus didn't come into the world to take away our pain and suffering but to enter freely into it so He could understand what it does to us and lift us up when we were in the midst of it. Life in this world does go by very fast. Losing friends and family to death has been hard for me since I am now at the age where death keeps breaking in. It has given me a greater appreciation for this life. I have been blessed with the understanding that things don't end here with death but continues in a way I can not fully understand. I have felt the presence of those who have died. Not in a spooky paranormal way but a deeply comforting one. Has your husband heard any more about his legs? Have you been able to talk with sister? She sounds like a gem. Do take care. I continue to think about you and pray for you and your husband. I also wish for peace and happiness to be with you. Take care. School starts for me tomorrow.
PAUL SHYKORA arts

Calgary, Canada

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#20
Aug 27, 2012
 
...shalom.....eh...(+)....is good...successful....Arts....m e...philanthropy

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