You have bitterness that goes beyond Atheism. A personal vendetta with the same God you say doesnt exist. A blood feud thats personal with you.Their so called all powerful god can't even make an object it can't move.
Your life has been on hold because of your spitefulness.
Swallow your pride and humble yourself before God. You need deep seated healing in your soul and you know what Im talking about. God will forgive you and heal your brokenness.
You just cant afford to carry this hate around forever.