Why Atheism Will Replace Religion

Why Atheism Will Replace Religion

There are 14715 comments on the News24 story from Aug 27, 2012, titled Why Atheism Will Replace Religion. In it, News24 reports that:

Please note that for this article "Atheism" also includes agnostics, deists, pagans, wiccans... in other words non-religious.

You will notice this is a statement of fact. And to be fact it is supported by evidence (see references below). Now you can have "faith" that this is not true, but by the very definition of faith, that is just wishful thinking.

Join the discussion below, or Read more at News24.

“Educating the uneducated”

Since: Aug 12

Montreal

#9878 Apr 28, 2013
Buck Crick wrote:
<quoted text>
You cannot even state the theory of evolution.
And it is NOT possible that the universe is uncaused.
The universe began to exist. This is required due to the impossibility of the infinite regression, which would require an infinite series of actual events.
Something which begins to exist requires a cause, as since it begins to exist, it has exhibited non-existence, and therefore is contingent or dependent, as opposed to "necessary".
If something is necessary, it could not be non-existent, so the universe is not necessary, but dependent. Something dependent requires causation.
Now say something stupid.
First of all, if you say that your god created the universe because the universe had to have come from somewhere, then where did your god come from?
Where did that god's god come from?
And the one before that?

Et cetera.

By the way, here's a little bit of proof to explain how useless it is to deny the fact that is evolution.
If a cow is not milked, there's a high chance it can develop a mastitis, essentially an udder infection that could kill the cow and definitely causes it lots of pain.
This is due to the extent at which cows are milked these days.
The cow has evolved to produce the amount of milk we demand of it with ease.

In the past, had a cow not been milked, it would have been fine, though because of all the changes in its environment and the changes to its need, it had to evolve to process the changes properly.

“Liberty & Justice For All”

Since: Aug 11

United States of America

#9879 Apr 28, 2013
Lacez wrote:
<quoted text>
First of all, if you say that your god created the universe because the universe had to have come from somewhere, then where did your god come from?
Where did that god's god come from?
And the one before that?
Et cetera.
By the way, here's a little bit of proof to explain how useless it is to deny the fact that is evolution.
If a cow is not milked, there's a high chance it can develop a mastitis, essentially an udder infection that could kill the cow and definitely causes it lots of pain.
This is due to the extent at which cows are milked these days.
The cow has evolved to produce the amount of milk we demand of it with ease.
In the past, had a cow not been milked, it would have been fine, though because of all the changes in its environment and the changes to its need, it had to evolve to process the changes properly.
Google Hawking's "uncaused first cause", and educate yourself.

Cows are your proof of evolution?

Bwaaaahahahahahahahahahah....
Imhotep

United States

#9880 Apr 28, 2013
MUQ wrote:
<quoted text>
In fact every thing they say about their Blind Theory of Evolution (i.e. without plan, without design, without any purpose) is nothing but stupidity.!!
For stupidity your religious books have literally no equal.

Quran

Christians ... We have stirred up enmity and hatred among them till the Day of Resurrection.--5:14

Allah hath cursed them for their unbelief. Little is that which they believe.--2:88

And Lot!(Remember) when he said unto his folk: Lo! ye commit lewdness such as no creature did before you. For come ye not in unto males?--29:28-29

Dear Allah – A Poem of Reason

Written by Hassan. A narration by Nesrin.

http://m.youtube.com/#/watch...

Dear Allah,
I hope you get this letter, as I’m in a great deal of doubt.
I don’t get your Divine Plan, what’s it all about?

There you are, before a creation to fill
Nothing but Allah, he, himself and his will,

Perhaps you were lonely, though even then you knew.
You’d create angels, to obey and worship you.

Maybe this wasn’t enough, you were not amused,
But why you created Satan, just leaves me bemused

You gave man a mind and a freewill to choose
Then demanded he believe in irrational, contradictory clues

While keeping yourself hidden from all verification
Threatening torture if we don’t prostrate in supplication

You sent prophets and books to a patch of land
And miracles galore to that sacred area of sand

But before man can scientifically record and corroborate
You decide communications must now mysteriously terminate

You say you are testing mankind — to see who is true
Though saint and sinner, you already knew

But worse than this is the consequence of this test
It’s results are iniquitous — perverse at best

Those, who accept on faith, myths handed down
Will enjoy eternal bliss and never have to frown

While those who insist on reasoning with their brain
Will be sent to the fire of Hell to suffer eternal pain

Dear Allah none of this makes sense to me
Please tell me if there is something I’ve failed to see

And I don’t understand when so many suffer and die
What is the reason — I cannot see why?

Was it a test for the baby, her father or mother
Or was she sacrificed to test someone other?

When you planned all this did you count every tear
Was your ultimate purpose that we tremble in fear

And when all are in Heaven or Hell — as dictated by fate
Will you sit back on your throne to shouts of “Allah is Great”?

“Liberty & Justice For All”

Since: Aug 11

United States of America

#9881 Apr 28, 2013
LuLu Ford wrote:
<quoted text>
OK impress us. State the theory of evolution if you can.
Why is it impossible? You didn't say.
Why does anything require a cause? You didn't say.
Necessity is said to be the mother of invention but otherwise how is necessity relevant to what you just stated?
There is no "theory of evolution". But if your faith tells you to believe there actually is a falsifiable "theory of evolution" that has been published and peer reviewed, why don't you post the link......hmmmmmm?

Why does anything require a cause?

Bwaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahaha .........
Thinking

Blandford Forum, UK

#9882 Apr 28, 2013
There's also loads of great stuff around right now if you go out and look for it.

One of my favourite live gigs was Mumford supporting Arcade Fire. At a recent Muse gig, I saw "The Joy Formidable" play a blinding set so I've started following them too.
Lacez wrote:
<quoted text>
Though I could say that from the 70's to the 90's there are thousands of classic songs, great songs...but from mid-90's to now, there have been only a couple hundred.
Thereabouts.

“Liberty & Justice For All”

Since: Aug 11

United States of America

#9883 Apr 28, 2013
Imhotep wrote:
<quoted text>
For stupidity your religious books have literally no equal.
Quran
Christians ... We have stirred up enmity and hatred among them till the Day of Resurrection.--5:14
Allah hath cursed them for their unbelief. Little is that which they believe.--2:88
And Lot!(Remember) when he said unto his folk: Lo! ye commit lewdness such as no creature did before you. For come ye not in unto males?--29:28-29
Dear Allah – A Poem of Reason
Written by Hassan. A narration by Nesrin.
http://m.youtube.com/#/watch...
Dear Allah,
I hope you get this letter, as I’m in a great deal of doubt.
I don’t get your Divine Plan, what’s it all about?
There you are, before a creation to fill
Nothing but Allah, he, himself and his will,
Perhaps you were lonely, though even then you knew.
You’d create angels, to obey and worship you.
Maybe this wasn’t enough, you were not amused,
But why you created Satan, just leaves me bemused
You gave man a mind and a freewill to choose
Then demanded he believe in irrational, contradictory clues
While keeping yourself hidden from all verification
Threatening torture if we don’t prostrate in supplication
You sent prophets and books to a patch of land
And miracles galore to that sacred area of sand
But before man can scientifically record and corroborate
You decide communications must now mysteriously terminate
You say you are testing mankind — to see who is true
Though saint and sinner, you already knew
But worse than this is the consequence of this test
It’s results are iniquitous — perverse at best
Those, who accept on faith, myths handed down
Will enjoy eternal bliss and never have to frown
While those who insist on reasoning with their brain
Will be sent to the fire of Hell to suffer eternal pain
Dear Allah none of this makes sense to me
Please tell me if there is something I’ve failed to see
And I don’t understand when so many suffer and die
What is the reason — I cannot see why?
Was it a test for the baby, her father or mother
Or was she sacrificed to test someone other?
When you planned all this did you count every tear
Was your ultimate purpose that we tremble in fear
And when all are in Heaven or Hell — as dictated by fate
Will you sit back on your throne to shouts of “Allah is Great”?
Clearly, you are a very ignorant, illiterate and bigoted little bubba who obviously knows nothing about the world's religions.

PEDOPHILIA: THE JEWISH TALMUD'S DIRTY LITTLE SECRETS

“When a grown-up man has intercourse with a little girl it is nothing.”
(Keth 11b)

“A Jew may have sex with a child as long as the child is less than nine years old.”
(Sanh 54b)

R.abbi Joseph said:“Come and hear! A maiden aged three years and a day may be acquired in marriage by coition and if her deceased husband’s brother cohabits with her, she becomes his.”
(Sanh. 55b)

“A girl who is three years of age and one day may be betrothed by cohabitation.“
.(Yeb. 57b)

“A maiden aged three years and a day may be acquired in marriage by coition, and if her deceased husband’s brother cohabited with her she becomes his.”
(Sanh. 69a, 69b, also discussed in Yeb. 60b)

It was taught: Rabbi Simeon b. Yohai stated: A proselyte who is under the age of three years and one day is permitted to marry a priest, for it is said, But all the women children that have not known man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves, and Phineas (who was priest, the footnote says) surely was with them.
(Yeb. 60b)

. "A Gentile girl who is three years old can be violated."
(9boda Sarah 37a)

"A Jew may violate but not marry a non-Jewish girl."
(7ad. Shas. 2:2)

"A Jew may do to a non-Jewess what he can do. He may treat her as he treats a piece of meat."
(Hadarine, 20, B; Schulchan 9ruch, Choszen Hamiszpat 348)

"A Jew may misuse the non-Jewess in her state of unbelief."
(Maimonides, Jak. Chasaka 2:2)
Imhotep

United States

#9884 Apr 28, 2013
ezdzit wrote:
<quoted text>
Clearly, you are a very ignorant, illiterate and bigoted little bubba who obviously knows nothing about the world's religions.
PEDOPHILIA: THE JEWISH TALMUD'S DIRTY LITTLE SECRETS
“When a grown-up man has intercourse with a little girl it is nothing.”
(Keth 11b)
“A Jew may have sex with a child as long as the child is less than nine years old.”
(Sanh 54b)
R.abbi Joseph said:“Come and hear! A maiden aged three years and a day may be acquired in marriage by coition and if her deceased husband’s brother cohabits with her, she becomes his.”
(Sanh. 55b)
“A girl who is three years of age and one day may be betrothed by cohabitation.“
.(Yeb. 57b)
“A maiden aged three years and a day may be acquired in marriage by coition, and if her deceased husband’s brother cohabited with her she becomes his.”
(Sanh. 69a, 69b, also discussed in Yeb. 60b)
It was taught: Rabbi Simeon b. Yohai stated: A proselyte who is under the age of three years and one day is permitted to marry a priest, for it is said, But all the women children that have not known man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves, and Phineas (who was priest, the footnote says) surely was with them.
(Yeb. 60b)
. "A Gentile girl who is three years old can be violated."
(9boda Sarah 37a)
"A Jew may violate but not marry a non-Jewish girl."
(7ad. Shas. 2:2)
"A Jew may do to a non-Jewess what he can do. He may treat her as he treats a piece of meat."
(Hadarine, 20, B; Schulchan 9ruch, Choszen Hamiszpat 348)
"A Jew may misuse the non-Jewess in her state of unbelief."
(Maimonides, Jak. Chasaka 2:2)
Christianity is even worse dipstick

And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat.--Leviticus 26:29

Will you be having fries with that?

Because by this deed thou hast given great occasion to the enemies of the LORD to blaspheme, the child also that is born unto thee shall surely die. And the LORD struck the child that Uriah's wife bare unto David, and it was very sick.... And it came to pass on the seventh day, that the child died.--2 Samuel 12:14-15

How godlike killing a innocent childI am so impressed with your god. NOT!

My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him.--Song of Solomon 5:4

I guess he took a rather large dump left a steaming pile?

Since: Mar 11

Lexington, KY

#9885 Apr 28, 2013
If only you had finished high school.

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Evolution_as_t...
ezdzit wrote:
<quoted text>There is no "theory of evolution". But if your faith tells you to believe there actually is a falsifiable "theory of evolution" that has been published and peer reviewed, why don't you post the link......hmmmmmm?

Why does anything require a cause?

Bwaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahaha .........

“Liberty & Justice For All”

Since: Aug 11

United States of America

#9886 Apr 28, 2013
Imhotep wrote:
<quoted text>
Christianity is even worse dipstick
And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat.--Leviticus 26:29
Will you be having fries with that?
Because by this deed thou hast given great occasion to the enemies of the LORD to blaspheme, the child also that is born unto thee shall surely die. And the LORD struck the child that Uriah's wife bare unto David, and it was very sick.... And it came to pass on the seventh day, that the child died.--2 Samuel 12:14-15
How godlike killing a innocent childI am so impressed with your god. NOT!
My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him.--Song of Solomon 5:4
I guess he took a rather large dump left a steaming pile?
LOL

Switching from ignorant, irrelevant Islamophobic rants to ignorant, irrelevant rants Bible rants?

Bwaaaaahahahahahahahahahaha... ..

“Trolls are Clueless”

Since: Dec 07

Aptos, California

#9887 Apr 28, 2013
ezdzit wrote:
<quoted text>
There is no "theory of evolution". But if your faith tells you to believe there actually is a falsifiable "theory of evolution" that has been published and peer reviewed, why don't you post the link......hmmmmmm?
Why does anything require a cause?
Bwaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahaha .........
So there is no "theory of evolution." WTF are you discussing then? Evolution is based upon observation which in-turn leads to a theory. This is how science works. Faith has nothing to do with it. There are numerous readily verifiable examples of genetic evolution all around us.

Since: Mar 11

Lexington, KY

#9888 Apr 28, 2013
Truth hurts I see as you completely ignored the scriptures mentioned.
ezdzit wrote:
<quoted text>LOL

Switching from ignorant, irrelevant Islamophobic rants to ignorant, irrelevant rants Bible rants?

Bwaaaaahahahahahahahahahaha... ..

“Trolls are Clueless”

Since: Dec 07

Aptos, California

#9889 Apr 28, 2013
LuLu Ford wrote:
<quoted text>
So there is no "theory of evolution." WTF are you discussing then? Evolution is based upon observation which in-turn leads to a theory. This is how science works. Faith has nothing to do with it. There are numerous readily verifiable examples of genetic evolution all around us.
Here is what Buck wrote, "You cannot even state the theory of evolution."

I was probing to find what he meant by that statement. Darwin had a theory. He was partially correct as his theory was incomplete. He had no access to genetics which requires knowledge of DNA. The DNA protein model was realized 60 years ago, without which, his theories could neither be proved nor disproved.

“Trolls are Clueless”

Since: Dec 07

Aptos, California

#9890 Apr 28, 2013
ezdzit wrote:
<quoted text>

Why does anything require a cause?
Bwaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahaha .........
Good question. I agree 100%.

“Liberty & Justice For All”

Since: Aug 11

United States of America

#9891 Apr 28, 2013
LuLu Ford wrote:
<quoted text>
So there is no "theory of evolution." WTF are you discussing then? Evolution is based upon observation which in-turn leads to a theory. This is how science works. Faith has nothing to do with it. There are numerous readily verifiable examples of genetic evolution all around us.
Correct, there is no "theory of evolution".

Observation is subjective and unreliable due to bias. Theories, on the other hand, are based on objective scientific tests, i.e. the Theory of Gravity.

Here's a conclusory statement from UC Berkeley's website's about evolution which has been proven dead wrong by the discovery and confirmation of rapid, non-random, adaptive mutations in bacteria and virus caused by environment:

“While it would be handy if there were a way for environmental changes to cause adaptive changes in our genes......evolution just doesn't work that way.”

http://evolution.berkeley.edu/evolibrary/misc... .
Imhotep

United States

#9892 Apr 28, 2013
ezdzit wrote:
<quoted text>
LOL
Switching from ignorant, irrelevant Islamophobic rants to ignorant, irrelevant rants Bible rants?
Bwaaaaahahahahahahahahahaha... ..
Glad you enjoyed it here's a few more

Q. What's the difference between Jesus and a painting?
A. It takes only one nail to hang a painting.

Q. What did the Roman soldiers say to Christ as they were nailing him to the cross?
A. Cross your legs we only have one nail left"

Jesus walks into a hotel, tosses three nails on the front desk and says, "Hey, can you put me up for the night?"

Overheard on the way to Calvary
"Drop that cross one more time and you are out of the parade"!

Easter has been cancelled... they found the body. Details @ 11pm

Wow I'm on a roll, Saved the best for last!

Is Jesus Pinocchio?

Saint Peter is watching the gates of Heaven, but he really has to go to the bathroom. He asks Jesus to watch the gates for a few minutes, and Jesus agrees.

As Jesus is standing there, he sees an old man leading a donkey up from Earth to Heaven.

He notices the old man has carpenter's tools with him. When the old man gets to the gates,

Jesus asks him to describe his life and explain why he feels he should be admitted into Heaven.

The man explains, "In English, my name would be Joseph, but I didn't live in America or England. I lived a modest life, making things out of wood. I'm not remembered very well by most people, but almost everyone has heard of my son. I call him my son, but I was more of a Dad to him -- he really didn't come into this world in the usual way.

I sent my son out to be among the people of the World. He was ridiculed by many, and was even known to associate himself with some pretty unsavory characters, although he himself tried to be honest and perfect.

My single biggest reason for trying to get into Heaven is to be re-united with my son."

Jesus is awe-struck by the man's story. He looks into the old man's eyes and asks, "Father?"

The old man's face brightens; he looks at Jesus, and asks, "Pinocchio?"

Since: Mar 11

Lexington, KY

#9893 Apr 28, 2013
And we see the danger of letting high school drop outs into debates.

Perhaps you would do better on a thread more your speed? Say a thread based on favorite fast food joints?

Yes you would do well on one of those threads.
ezdzit wrote:
<quoted text>Correct, there is no "theory of evolution".

Observation is subjective and unreliable due to bias. Theories, on the other hand, are based on objective scientific tests, i.e. the Theory of Gravity.

Here's a conclusory statement from UC Berkeley's website's about evolution which has been proven dead wrong by the discovery and confirmation of rapid, non-random, adaptive mutations in bacteria and virus caused by environment:

“While it would be handy if there were a way for environmental changes to cause adaptive changes in our genes......evolution just doesn't work that way.”

http://evolution.berkeley.edu/evolibrary/misc... .

“Liberty & Justice For All”

Since: Aug 11

United States of America

#9894 Apr 28, 2013
LuLu Ford wrote:
<quoted text>
Here is what Buck wrote, "You cannot even state the theory of evolution."
I was probing to find what he meant by that statement. Darwin had a theory. He was partially correct as his theory was incomplete. He had no access to genetics which requires knowledge of DNA. The DNA protein model was realized 60 years ago, without which, his theories could neither be proved nor disproved.
Darwin believed God created the earth and all organisms.

The ancient Sumerians believed modern humans were genetically engineered by a creator god and there is empirical evidence that they knew about the double helix associated with genetics almost 5,000 years before Crick and Watson discovered the double helix shape of DNA.

“Liberty & Justice For All”

Since: Aug 11

United States of America

#9895 Apr 28, 2013
Imhotep wrote:
<quoted text>
Glad you enjoyed it here's a few more
Q. What's the difference between Jesus and a painting?
A. It takes only one nail to hang a painting.
Q. What did the Roman soldiers say to Christ as they were nailing him to the cross?
A. Cross your legs we only have one nail left"
Jesus walks into a hotel, tosses three nails on the front desk and says, "Hey, can you put me up for the night?"
Overheard on the way to Calvary
"Drop that cross one more time and you are out of the parade"!
Easter has been cancelled... they found the body. Details @ 11pm
Wow I'm on a roll, Saved the best for last!
Is Jesus Pinocchio?
Saint Peter is watching the gates of Heaven, but he really has to go to the bathroom. He asks Jesus to watch the gates for a few minutes, and Jesus agrees.
As Jesus is standing there, he sees an old man leading a donkey up from Earth to Heaven.
He notices the old man has carpenter's tools with him. When the old man gets to the gates,
Jesus asks him to describe his life and explain why he feels he should be admitted into Heaven.
The man explains, "In English, my name would be Joseph, but I didn't live in America or England. I lived a modest life, making things out of wood. I'm not remembered very well by most people, but almost everyone has heard of my son. I call him my son, but I was more of a Dad to him -- he really didn't come into this world in the usual way.
I sent my son out to be among the people of the World. He was ridiculed by many, and was even known to associate himself with some pretty unsavory characters, although he himself tried to be honest and perfect.
My single biggest reason for trying to get into Heaven is to be re-united with my son."
Jesus is awe-struck by the man's story. He looks into the old man's eyes and asks, "Father?"
The old man's face brightens; he looks at Jesus, and asks, "Pinocchio?"
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the
bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him. At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God...";

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice. The light went out. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful. Amen."
Imhotep

United States

#9896 Apr 28, 2013
ezdzit wrote:
<quoted text>
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees!
. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him. At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God...";
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful. Amen."
Not bad!
It is a little lame though

I sensed the disturbance in the force!

Wilson's Nails

Wilson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing and he offers to make a TV ad for Wilson's Nails.

"Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with a tape."

A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson. He puts a cassette in the video and presses play. A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin "Use Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything."

Wilson goes mad shouting: "What is the matter with you? They'll never show that on TV. Give it another try, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!"

Another week goes by and the marketing man comes back to see Wilson with another tape. He puts it in the machine and hits play. This time the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says 'Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything'.

Wilson is beside himself. "You don't understand: I don't want anything with Jesus on the cross! Now listen, I'll give you one last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast."

A week passes and Wilson waits impatiently. The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video. A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them turns to camera and says 'If only we had used Wilson's Nails!'.

----------

Jesus on the cross

Jesus is dying on the cross, and Peter is down the hill comforting Mary Magdalene when he hears Jesus' faint voice, "Peter... Peter..."

"I must go and help my Savior," he said and went up the hill, only to be beaten and kicked back down by the Roman centurions guarding the cross. But soon he hears, "Peter... Peter," in even fainter tones but he cannot ignore the call. Peter limps up the hill, leans a ladder against the cross, and gets halfway up when the centurions knock over the ladder, beats him brutally, and tosses him back down the hill.

Again he hears, "Peter... Peter..." ever fainter, and again, he cannot refuse his Lord. In pain, he slowly staggers up the hill, drags himself up the ladder, and finally gets even with Christ's face. Just as the centurions are reaching for the ladder, Jesus says, "Peter... Peter... look, I can see your house from here."

---------

Two cannibals walking through the jungle meet on a path

I need some help cooking

What's the problem

The last missionary was tough

How did you cook it

Oh you know the usual get the water to boil couple bay leaves some vegetables

What was the missionary wearing

All you know kind of a brown frock with white lace, Very little hair

Ha ha I know what your problem is
You're cooking it wrong

Wait for it... ;)

Never boil a friar!

“Liberty & Justice For All”

Since: Aug 11

United States of America

#9897 Apr 28, 2013
Imhotep wrote:
<quoted text>
Not bad!
It is a little lame though
I sensed the disturbance in the force!
Wilson's Nails
Wilson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing and he offers to make a TV ad for Wilson's Nails.
"Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with a tape."
A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson. He puts a cassette in the video and presses play. A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin "Use Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything."
Wilson goes mad shouting: "What is the matter with you? They'll never show that on TV. Give it another try, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!"
Another week goes by and the marketing man comes back to see Wilson with another tape. He puts it in the machine and hits play. This time the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says 'Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything'.
Wilson is beside himself. "You don't understand: I don't want anything with Jesus on the cross! Now listen, I'll give you one last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast."
A week passes and Wilson waits impatiently. The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video. A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them turns to camera and says 'If only we had used Wilson's Nails!'.
----------
Jesus on the cross
Jesus is dying on the cross, and Peter is down the hill comforting Mary Magdalene when he hears Jesus' faint voice, "Peter... Peter..."
"I must go and help my Savior," he said and went up the hill, only to be beaten and kicked back down by the Roman centurions guarding the cross. But soon he hears, "Peter... Peter," in even fainter tones but he cannot ignore the call. Peter limps up the hill, leans a ladder against the cross, and gets halfway up when the centurions knock over the ladder, beats him brutally, and tosses him back down the hill.
Again he hears, "Peter... Peter..." ever fainter, and again, he cannot refuse his Lord. In pain, he slowly staggers up the hill, drags himself up the ladder, and finally gets even with Christ's face. Just as the centurions are reaching for the ladder, Jesus says, "Peter... Peter... look, I can see your house from here."
---------
Two cannibals walking through the jungle meet on a path
I need some help cooking
What's the problem
The last missionary was tough
How did you cook it
Oh you know the usual get the water to boil couple bay leaves some vegetables
What was the missionary wearing
All you know kind of a brown frock with white lace, Very little hair
Ha ha I know what your problem is
You're cooking it wrong
Wait for it... ;)
Never boil a friar!
An atheist is sitting in a row boat on the middle of a lake, fishing peacefully and minding his own business.

All of a sudden, a purple three-headed dragon pops up out of the lake and snatches up the row boat in its massive jaws.

The atheist shouts "Oh God, help me!"

The whole scene freezes mid-frame and a booming voice comes out of the sky.

"Why should I help you when you did not believe in me?"

The atheist says, "Come on, give me a break. A minute ago I didn't believe in purple three-headed dragons either."

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