Atheist Humor

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“Quantum Junctn: Use Both Lanes”

Since: Dec 06

Tulsa, Oklahoma USofA

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#61
Aug 10, 2009
 
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?" When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good" and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

Since: Jul 09

Lexington, KY

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#62
Aug 12, 2009
 

Since: Jul 09

Lexington, KY

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#63
Aug 12, 2009
 
nina wrote:
<quoted text>

Undocumented
Gay Atheist
Lesbian Liberal
I did not understand wat this means. Will u plz explain it to me? Is that ur description?

Since: Jul 09

Lexington, KY

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#64
Aug 12, 2009
 
Jammercolo wrote:
"Is God male or female?"
One of my friends: "God is a male and goddess is a female."
lmao

“Quantum Junctn: Use Both Lanes”

Since: Dec 06

Tulsa, Oklahoma USofA

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#65
Aug 12, 2009
 
Albert was a devout Catholic. I lived, breathed and his whole life was Catholic.

Once in his life, he just wanted to meet his Hero, the Pope.

His wish was closer to coming true: the Pope was going to visit his city, and was going to walk in a parade!

So, the man dresses up in his finest, secures a place on the street, and awaits the coming of the Pope; soon enough, he sees His Nibbs walking down the street, occasionally stopping to speak a word, lay a hand and generally talking to random individuals along the path.

Alas, the Pope passes Albert by, instead Albert sees the pope stooping to whisper something into the ear of a homeless man.

"That's it!" thinks Albert, "Of course, the Pope would speak to the most humble. I know--I'll offer that homeless guy $20 to trade clothes with him, then the pope will notice me!"

So Albert goes up next to the homeless guy, and offers the $20 to trade; the homeless guy sees the man's finery, and quickly agrees. They exchange in a nearby alley.

Now, equipped for a humble appearance, Albert races down the back roads, to get out in front of the slowly moving parade, to be Noticed by His Hero.

Sure enough, he sees the Pope coming near. It worked! The Pope is walking towards him! Albert can hardly believe his luck!

The pope motions to Albert, leans down and whispers into his ear,

"Hey! Didn't I tell you to get lost earlier? You're giving me a Bad Name!"

“Quantum Junctn: Use Both Lanes”

Since: Dec 06

Tulsa, Oklahoma USofA

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#66
Aug 12, 2009
 

Judged:

1

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are your Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, Me too! Are your Episcopalian or Baptist? He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are your Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord? He said, Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are your Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

“Quantum Junctn: Use Both Lanes”

Since: Dec 06

Tulsa, Oklahoma USofA

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#67
Aug 12, 2009
 
It's the second resurection of Christ. Before the world ends he wants
to take in some fishing. So he gets his friend Moses and they head up
to Minnesota to fish. They are about to rent a canoe when Moses says:
"Jesus, can't you still walk on water? Why not just walk out there?"
So Jesus takes his reel and tackle and steps onto the lake....and falls
knee deep in water.

Moses says, "Well....maybe you need a head start or something, why not
go to the end of the dock and try."

So Jesus takes his reel and tackle and steps off the end of the dock and
falls up to his waist.

Moses says, " Well why not rent the boat, go out to the center of the
lake and try there."

So they rent the boat and go to the middle of the lake, Jesus is about
to step off and try again when...

Moses says, "Wait. Just to be safe, why not get yourself into the state
of mind you were in the first time you did it."

So Jesus sets down, meditates for a few minutes, and finally he's all
psyched up, and steps out of the canoe......and precedes to drown.
So Moses does the water parting thing, and pulls Jesus up into the boat.
Jesus is just beating himself up over this. He just doesn't see what's
going wrong here. Moses just stares down at the bottom of the boat.
Suddenly, Moses says, "I got it! I know what's wrong! Did you have those
holes in your feet last time?!?!"

“ecrasez l'infame”

Since: May 08

Atlanta, Georgia

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#68
Aug 13, 2009
 
Arthur C. Clarke - "I would defend the liberty of consenting adult creationists to practice whatever intellectual perversions they like in the privacy of their own homes; but it is also necessary to protect the young and innocent."
nina

Ottawa, Canada

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#69
Aug 13, 2009
 
agentsback wrote:
<quoted text>
I did not understand wat this means. Will u plz explain it to me? Is that ur description?
the t-shirt reads

Undocumented
Gay Liberal
Lesbian Athiest

so, I think the undocumented refers to the idea of being an illegal alien - beign without papers or documents

the other 2 lines on the shirt are self explanatory

so wearing it is telling people that I their worst nightmare if they are right wing

“Science, not faith.”

Since: Sep 07

Location hidden

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#70
Aug 13, 2009
 
nina wrote:
<quoted text>
so wearing it is telling people that I their worst nightmare if they are right wing
It's fun screwing with the self-inflicted mental deficients, isn't it?
nina

Ottawa, Canada

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#71
Aug 13, 2009
 
melevy wrote:
<quoted text>It's fun screwing with the self-inflicted mental deficients, isn't it?
yes, I had a most rewarding experience and will freely admit that I am totally jonesing to experience it again

I was waiting to be seated at a breakfast restaurant and I was reading the paper

My name got called and I stood up and began to lower the paper I was reading

An older woman read my shirt and said "What a lovely shirt"

"Really?" I said, instantly knowing she'd misread it

I dropped the paper so she could see the whole thing.

What she misread was

"God is my co-pilot"

what the shirt actually has on it

"God was my co-pilot, but we crashed in the mountains and I had to eat him"

She read the shirt again, the horror of comprehension dawned on her face, she actually took two steps away from me and shrank down, cringing in horror

she sputtered "you...ate....god."

"Yes, but he wasn't every filling"

and then I followed the server to my table

whenever I feel bad, I think of that rush, it was so pure

turned me into a complete junkie for it

now I can't stop shopping at evolvefish.com

I bought one of those decals - the darwin fish humping the jesus fish

but I'm afraid to put it on my car because of vandals

I think I'll get it on a tshirt instead

“Science, not faith.”

Since: Sep 07

Location hidden

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#72
Aug 13, 2009
 
nina wrote:
<quoted text>
I bought one of those decals - the darwin fish humping the jesus fish
but I'm afraid to put it on my car because of vandals
I think I'll get it on a tshirt instead
Guaranteed that decal will get your car keyed at the very least - that's the only thing that stops me from putting an FSM or IPU emblem on my car.
ScienceRules

Montpelier, VT

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#73
Aug 13, 2009
 
nina wrote:
<quoted text>
yes, I had a most rewarding experience and will freely admit that I am totally jonesing to experience it again
I was waiting to be seated at a breakfast restaurant and I was reading the paper
My name got called and I stood up and began to lower the paper I was reading
An older woman read my shirt and said "What a lovely shirt"
"Really?" I said, instantly knowing she'd misread it
I dropped the paper so she could see the whole thing.
What she misread was
"God is my co-pilot"
what the shirt actually has on it
"God was my co-pilot, but we crashed in the mountains and I had to eat him"
She read the shirt again, the horror of comprehension dawned on her face, she actually took two steps away from me and shrank down, cringing in horror
she sputtered "you...ate....god."
"Yes, but he wasn't every filling"
and then I followed the server to my table
whenever I feel bad, I think of that rush, it was so pure
turned me into a complete junkie for it
now I can't stop shopping at evolvefish.com
I bought one of those decals - the darwin fish humping the jesus fish
but I'm afraid to put it on my car because of vandals
I think I'll get it on a tshirt instead
I want that shirt; where did you get it?
The Man From Eternity

Canton, OH

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#74
Aug 13, 2009
 
nina wrote:
<quoted text>
yes, I had a most rewarding experience and will freely admit that I am totally jonesing to experience it again
I was waiting to be seated at a breakfast restaurant and I was reading the paper
My name got called and I stood up and began to lower the paper I was reading
An older woman read my shirt and said "What a lovely shirt"
"Really?" I said, instantly knowing she'd misread it
I dropped the paper so she could see the whole thing.
What she misread was
"God is my co-pilot"
what the shirt actually has on it
"God was my co-pilot, but we crashed in the mountains and I had to eat him"
She read the shirt again, the horror of comprehension dawned on her face, she actually took two steps away from me and shrank down, cringing in horror
she sputtered "you...ate....god."
"Yes, but he wasn't every filling"
and then I followed the server to my table
whenever I feel bad, I think of that rush, it was so pure
turned me into a complete junkie for it
now I can't stop shopping at evolvefish.com
I bought one of those decals - the darwin fish humping the jesus fish
but I'm afraid to put it on my car because of vandals
I think I'll get it on a tshirt instead
(If I may) Hon, that was funny but please don't be mean. I'm an atheist with humor and also like whacked out shirts.
I had one that had a picture of an American Indian crying (from a 70's anti-litter campaign) that said "Naitive Americans: Should have fought harder, you pusssies". If you get my drift.
One guy in a supermarket said I'm Native American and think that's hilarious. Another at work said: That offends me. What are you saying, I'm a pusssie?
I simply pointed out that no, it's just for a laugh. Understand, I don't want you to do what I think, I want you to do whatever you think.
I'm just sayin', "maybe a little consideration is in order". BTW, I think that was a line from the movie HurlyBurly. You seem a fun type. I challenge you: watch that movie and get back with what character you think you best represent...I'm guessing it's Phil :)
nina

Canada

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#75
Aug 13, 2009
 
melevy wrote:
<quoted text>Guaranteed that decal will get your car keyed at the very least - that's the only thing that stops me from putting an FSM or IPU emblem on my car.
I have the FSM one on my car

no keying - and a lot of positive feedback on it

IPU would be a very exclusive club of folks who got it.
nina

Canada

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#76
Aug 13, 2009
 
ScienceRules wrote:
<quoted text>
I want that shirt; where did you get it?
it was most likely

www.cafepress.com

but I have bought shirts from www.evolve-fish.com

geek ones from www.jinx.com - but it wasn't there - that's gamer and computer shirts only
nina

Canada

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#77
Aug 13, 2009
 
nina

Canada

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#78
Aug 13, 2009
 
The Man From Eternity wrote:
<quoted text>
(If I may) Hon, that was funny but please don't be mean....
I hadn't even started my mean engine

I also have a shirt that says on the front:

Social Engineering Specialist

and on the back it says

Because there is no patch for human stupidity.

that shirt affords me the opportunity to be mean

“Quantum Junctn: Use Both Lanes”

Since: Dec 06

Tulsa, Oklahoma USofA

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#79
Aug 14, 2009
 
nina wrote:
<quoted text>
yes, I had a most rewarding experience and will freely admit that I am totally jonesing to experience it again
I was waiting to be seated at a breakfast restaurant and I was reading the paper
My name got called and I stood up and began to lower the paper I was reading
An older woman read my shirt and said "What a lovely shirt"
"Really?" I said, instantly knowing she'd misread it
I dropped the paper so she could see the whole thing.
What she misread was
"God is my co-pilot"
what the shirt actually has on it
"God was my co-pilot, but we crashed in the mountains and I had to eat him"
She read the shirt again, the horror of comprehension dawned on her face, she actually took two steps away from me and shrank down, cringing in horror
she sputtered "you...ate....god."
"Yes, but he wasn't every filling"
and then I followed the server to my table
whenever I feel bad, I think of that rush, it was so pure
turned me into a complete junkie for it
now I can't stop shopping at evolvefish.com
I bought one of those decals - the darwin fish humping the jesus fish
but I'm afraid to put it on my car because of vandals
I think I'll get it on a tshirt instead
I know that feeling.

:)

Another answer to "You ate god" [should it come up again] is, "It was a communion sort of thing, only he was more stringy that a cracker"

:P
nina

Ottawa, Canada

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#80
Aug 14, 2009
 
Bob of Quantum-Faith wrote:
<quoted text>
I know that feeling.
:)
Another answer to "You ate god" [should it come up again] is, "It was a communion sort of thing, only he was more stringy that a cracker"
:P
I am so going to use that

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