Catholic humor
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“Quantum Junctn: Use Both Lanes”

Since: Dec 06

Tulsa, Oklahoma USofA

#68 Apr 14, 2012
Richardfs wrote:
A guy and priest go golfing.
The guy misses the hole and says,"Damn I missed!" The priest says, "Don't say the D word or God will throw a lightning bolt at you."
On the next hole the guy misses and says "Damn..." But the priest
cuts him off and says,"Don't say the D word.
"On the next hole the guy misses and says "Damn I missed" and a lightning bolt comes down and hits the priest, and God says
"Damn I missed!"
The bible's god misses on a lot of things...

;)

“Question Authority.”

Since: Mar 12

Location hidden

#69 Apr 15, 2012
Epicurus wrote:
Subject: The Welfare Check

A young man walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of
the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it."
funny!

“Quantum Junctn: Use Both Lanes”

Since: Dec 06

Tulsa, Oklahoma USofA

#70 Apr 21, 2012
The elderly Italian Catholic went to his parish priest and asked if he would hear his confession. The priest assured him that he would, and the two took up the customary positions on either side of the divider.

"Well, Father," began the old man, "At the beginning of World War II a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. So I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing," interjected the priest, "But it's certainly nothing you need to confess." "It's worse, Father," continued the elderly fellow, "I was weak and told her that she had to repay me for hiding in the attic by providing me with sexual favors."

The priest contemplated this disclosure for a minute and then responded, "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a very large risk. You would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil of your acts, and judge you kindly."

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The Good Catholic man asked, "Do I have to tell her that the war is over?"

"Of course not! She is only a woman after all." said the priest.
Epicurus

Ocala, FL

#71 May 2, 2012
Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the Captain announced:
'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.
Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Oslo. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and... OH, MY GOD !'
Silence followed!

Some moments later the Captain came back on the PA; 'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

Oaf, sitting in the 1st class yelled out: "Vat da Hell now, you should see da back of mine"
Epicurus

Ocala, FL

#72 May 2, 2012
Hmmm... technical problem?

WARNING!
I downloaded 320 books to my kindle... now I can't lift it!

Since: Jun 07

Location hidden

#73 May 4, 2012
Bob of Quantum-Faith wrote:
The elderly Italian Catholic went to his parish priest and asked if he would hear his confession. The priest assured him that he would, and the two took up the customary positions on either side of the divider.
"Well, Father," began the old man, "At the beginning of World War II a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. So I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing," interjected the priest, "But it's certainly nothing you need to confess." "It's worse, Father," continued the elderly fellow, "I was weak and told her that she had to repay me for hiding in the attic by providing me with sexual favors."
The priest contemplated this disclosure for a minute and then responded, "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a very large risk. You would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil of your acts, and judge you kindly."
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The Good Catholic man asked, "Do I have to tell her that the war is over?"
"Of course not! She is only a woman after all." said the priest.
Brilliant!!!

“Quantum Junctn: Use Both Lanes”

Since: Dec 06

Tulsa, Oklahoma USofA

#74 May 5, 2012
Epicurus wrote:
Hmmm... technical problem?
WARNING!
I downloaded 320 books to my kindle... now I can't lift it!
LOL!

“Quantum Junctn: Use Both Lanes”

Since: Dec 06

Tulsa, Oklahoma USofA

#75 May 5, 2012
-Skeptic- wrote:
<quoted text>
Brilliant!!!
TY.

:)

“ecrasez l'infame”

Since: May 08

Atlanta, Georgia

#76 Jun 11, 2012
In heaven, the police are British, the mechanics are German, the cooks are Italian, the lovers are French, and the Swiss organize everything.

In hell, the police are German, the mechanics are French, the cooks are British, the lovers are Swiss, and the Italian organize everything

“Quantum Junctn: Use Both Lanes”

Since: Dec 06

Tulsa, Oklahoma USofA

#77 Jun 16, 2012
Hedonist wrote:
In heaven, the police are British, the mechanics are German, the cooks are Italian, the lovers are French, and the Swiss organize everything.
In hell, the police are German, the mechanics are French, the cooks are British, the lovers are Swiss, and the Italian organize everything
Most amusing.

:)

“Reason's Greetings!”

Since: Feb 11

Pale Blue Dot

#78 Jul 4, 2012
Higgs Boson walked into a church.

The priest said, "We don't allow Higgs Boson in here."

Higgs Boson relpied, But without me you can't have mass."

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