A Challenge for Atheists - Bible 2k

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Imhotep

United States

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#23
Apr 20, 2013
 
[QUOTE who="B
ob of Quantum-Faith"]Well done![/QUOTE]

Enjoy!

http://godispatientiamnot.blogspot.com/2011/0...

God Is Patient (I Am Not)

The adventures of a complicated Christian who doesn't settle for easy answers or cheap alcohol.
Sarcasm In The Bible – Example #4: Job And His Doofus Friends
Poor Job. You think you have it bad, Job’s got you beat.

As if Job doesn’t have enough going wrong for him (oxen and donkeys stolen by Sabeans, fire burning up sheep and servants, Chaldeans stealing camels and killing servants, house falling on sons and daughters, painful sores on his body, you and your suffering is merely a pawn on a bet between God and the Devil.) he’s also got spectacularly unhelpful friends.

Job’s friends are Eliphaz the Temanite (I keep wanting to type Termanite), Bildad the Shulhite, Zophar the Naamathite, and Elihu the “I Showed Up Out Of Nowhere For My Speech in 32 - 37” Buzite. And they start off okay, sitting for a week on the ground with Job, not saying anything, just being physically present there, strong Friend Shoulders to cry on. Except for Elihu, since he’s not there, he’s apparently he’s not THAT great of a friend, heh.

But then they open their mouths and it’s all over.
The jist of their advice is “What’d you do to bring this on yourself? Come on, you can tell us. Better yet, tell God, confess what you did and repent. Because there’s no way all this would happen to someone who didn’t deserve it.”

Spectacularly unhelpful. Judgmental doofuses.

The modern day equivalent would be something like,“It’s my Christian duty to tell you you’re dressing like a whore.”

(Have to give Stella credit for that one, she said it first. Not that I was dressing like a whore, we were totally talking about something else, ha ha ha.)
So they go around and around until God shows up in Chapter 38. God does a few chapters of neatly dodging the obvious question.

Now, what’s interesting is that a lot of websites like to say Job Chapter 38, verse 4 is sarcasm. God is asking Job “Where were you when laid the earth’s foundation? Tell me if you understand.”(verse 4)

It’s my belief that that’s actually not sarcasm, that’s a genuine question God wants to know, because He knows that Job’s answer has to be “I wasn’t there. Oops.” And then will realize that Job’s got no business demanding answers from his Creator.

Chapter 38, verse 5 is a bit more snarky,“Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!”
But quite honestly, I’m not comfortable with a sarcastic God. Are you? It makes me uneasy. I mean, just look at the Old Testament to see what an angry God looks like. It aint pretty. So a sarcastic God kinda scares me. I’m pretty sure this is the only place in the Bible where He gets His sarcasm on.

So I look at this line as God demanding answers. "Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!" "Um, well, uh, you, did, God."

It's possible you think I'm stretching. However, what IS sarcasm is back in Job 12, verse 2, snapping at Zophar,“Doubtless you are the people, and wisdom will die with you!”

At the end, Job apologizes for questioning God, and takes back all the questions he asked before. And God yells at the Doofus friends, and tells them they’ve gotta go make burnt offerings, and “My servant Job will pray for you, and I will accept his prayer and not deal with you according to your folly. You have not spoken of me what is right, as my servant Job has.”(Chapter 42 v.8)

This concludes our Sarcasm In The Bible series. I SO hope you enjoyed it. Really. I mean, I hope the joy just FLOWS out of your eyeballs and puddles onto your computer keyboard when you're reading this.

“Quantum Junctn: Use Both Lanes”

Since: Dec 06

Tulsa, Oklahoma USofA

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#24
Apr 20, 2013
 
Good, good-- bible commentary is also a much-needed adjunct to actual bible scripture.

In fact? A good bible concordance/commentary is worth any 3 or 4 bibles, if you ask any self-proclaimed bible-expert.

How do you know if someone is a bible-expert, you ask?

It's good that you should ask. But to answer the question?

Wait for it.

That's it-- that's the answer-- if you wait a bit, the "expert" will inform you right away-- even if you don't ask. Especially if you don't ask, in fact.

And you can tell they are an "expert" too, as they rarely quote the bible itself, but instead, quote commentaries and concordances....

:)

“Right click Left click Yay!”

Since: Dec 10

Nehwon

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#25
Apr 21, 2013
 
(double post?)

And the Lord God said to Moses, "Come up to me on the mountain, and while you are there, I will give you the commandments."

And Moses did so and when he came back down, he instructed his followers to collect the following before he would reveal the Word of God:

1) Take up a collection from all donations that their heart will give.*
2)Make a sanctuary for the tablets as follows: <See architect plans of George Cohen filed under Ex 25-10 to 28-20>
3)Jump through a bunch of ritual hoops. <See Cirque de Soleil acts of Ex 28 - 31:34)
4 In dramatic fashion, open the Ark of the Covenant,(Don't forget to tell them the results were certified by Price-Watershouse-Cooper, accountants), the winners of this year's Jehovah awards:

A) For the category of best hip-hop, cowboy yodeling in Spanish... Nine Inch Nails!

<commercial break>

B) The award for fulfilling their deepest, darkest desires to unfold publicly goes to...

Oh, this is a surprise. Quentin Tarantino's foot fetish of Uma Thurman's feet in "Kill Bill" was a sure bet..

The winner is... Doctor Dino! Kent Hovind!

Did prison fulfill your expectations, Ken?

<commercial break>

(bunch of other useless awards and 3 hours later when no one is reading anymore)

and for the award (are we done yet?) for the person who exemplifies the big ten commandments and the teachings of jesus... some person, who cares? let's wrap this up. We're 3 minutes overdue and cutting into a rerun of a rerun of American Idol on ESPN3.

We hope you enjoyed this presentation of God's Commandments Awards Ceremony and we'll return you to the regularly scheduled broadcast of Chess Champions of 1954 here on ESPN3!

“Right click Left click Yay!”

Since: Dec 10

Nehwon

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#26
Apr 21, 2013
 
Oh, forgot to include the *

*The amounts collected were about 29,673 shekels. Strangely, the tax exemptions recorded for these charitable donations amounted to 100,573,317,444 shekels for that year - 4271 times the GDP of the wandering state of Israel of that time.

“Right click Left click Yay!”

Since: Dec 10

Nehwon

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#27
Apr 21, 2013
 
And on the third day, 2000 years later, Jesus was resurrected. And he looked what had become with the world in his absence and became fascinated by the game of golf.

The Son of the Lord lived humbly, living in a tent in the desert and eating Ramen noodles. The bulk of his meager minimum wages went towards paying green fees.

And the public golf course pros were amazed at his miracles on the courses. Every par 3 was 1 or 2 shots. The most difficult par 5's were sunk in 4 or less. Who was this person who could consistently come in 20 or 30 shots under par?

And the Green Jacketed Pharisees soon took notice. "Play with us, amateur!" they cried.

And Jesus did so. And the Son of God did best them, shooting a course record of 57 at the Augusta National. This was in spite of Hurricane Gabriel (Cat 5, name retired) that was in full force during His play.

And the Green Jackets fell to their feet in worship. "Join our club!" they cried.

And Jesus wept. Never did the Son of God, a man born of humble origins, believe he'd be invited to join the Augusta National Golf Club. And he filled out his application.

After 40 days of review, the Green Jacket Pharisees rendered their decision. By unprecedented, unanimous vote, Jesus was allowed to join. However, his wife, a woman of Arabic descent named Mary, would not be allowed club privileges for she has not dyed her hair blond.

Join us for next week's sermon - "What did Jesus Do?"

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