A Challenge for Atheists - Bible 2k

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“Right click Left click Yay!”

Since: Dec 10

Nehwon

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#1
Apr 6, 2013
 

Judged:

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After reading too many threads concerning the Bible, I've come to the conclusion that most atheists know more about that collection of books than most Christians. I have grown tired of Bible defenders being ignorant of their sacred book and resort to cherry picking or just blatant cut-n-pasting plagiarism.

So I propose to those who do know about the Bible (ironically, atheists), is to bring the scriptures up to date. Let's make the bronze age voodoo more relevant to today's times.

An example:

Povich chapter 3 (after the commercial break)

14 And the truth sayer Maury speaketh, "I have the results here, Joseph, betrothed of Mary..."
15 You are...[pregnant pause].. Not the father."
16 Joseph did cry, "You adulteress! You will be stoned!"
17 And thus did the weeping Mary reveal, "The archangel Michael told me it was a divine miracle!"
18 and the divine anger did overcome Joseph to retort, "Michael is my frat brother from the U of J! And he's no angel! That rat bastard owes me 20 shekels!"
19 And thus, by the XTC (chemical abbreviation MDMA), was the Father on most high able conceive the Son of Man.

“Citizen_Patriot_ Voter_Atheist!”

Since: May 09

Earth,TX

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#2
Apr 6, 2013
 
greymouser wrote:
After reading too many threads concerning the Bible, I've come to the conclusion that most atheists know more about that collection of books than most Christians. I have grown tired of Bible defenders being ignorant of their sacred book and resort to cherry picking or just blatant cut-n-pasting plagiarism.
So I propose to those who do know about the Bible (ironically, atheists), is to bring the scriptures up to date. Let's make the bronze age voodoo more relevant to today's times.
An example:
Povich chapter 3 (after the commercial break)
14 And the truth sayer Maury speaketh, "I have the results here, Joseph, betrothed of Mary..."
15 You are...[pregnant pause].. Not the father."
16 Joseph did cry, "You adulteress! You will be stoned!"
17 And thus did the weeping Mary reveal, "The archangel Michael told me it was a divine miracle!"
18 and the divine anger did overcome Joseph to retort, "Michael is my frat brother from the U of J! And he's no angel! That rat bastard owes me 20 shekels!"
19 And thus, by the XTC (chemical abbreviation MDMA), was the Father on most high able conceive the Son of Man.
LOL! I so approve. Finally changes to the book which will reflect reality. I simply haven't the talent to join you in this endeavor, but might I suggest that the unicorn be restored to the tale.
Imhotep

Windermere, FL

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#3
Apr 7, 2013
 

Zeus demands you worship me!

Imhotep, son of Jupiter, father of Isis, brother of Quetzacoatal, brother-in-law of Thor, and Grand Poobahô of the United World Atheist Church of Eternal Pleasure, Happiness and Health.

Common mistakes all theists make these forums...

[1] Telling us what it is that we believe, especially that we claim that there is no god

[2] Unsolicited (which is all of it) preaching and proselytizing

[3] Referring to atheism as a religion, saying that atheism requires faith, or calling an atheist a fundamentalist

[4] Trying to prove something by quoting the Bible

[5] Threatening nonbelievers with damnation

[6] Pretending that you don't have the burden of proof

[7] Using cut and paste arguments from others that you can't defend

[8] Repeating arguments that have already been refuted and rejected

[9] Saying that we believe nothing, that our lives are without purpose or meaning, or that we have no basis for moral behavior

[10] Announce that you'll be praying for us

[11] Invoking Pascalís Wager, which says that there is everything to gain and nothing to lose by believing in Jesus. Also, Employing the No True Scotsman fallacy, straw man arguments, and other common fallacies.

[12] Telling us that we canít or donít understand the Bible, or that our Christian experiences couldnít have been authentic if we abandoned them

[13] Saying that we hate your god, are rebelling against your god, or really believe in a god

[14] Misrepresenting science knowledge.

[15] Blaming secularism for the deaths caused by zealous ideologues like Hitler, Stalin, Mao and Pol Pot.

“Quantum Junctn: Use Both Lanes”

Since: Dec 06

Tulsa, Oklahoma USofA

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#4
Apr 8, 2013
 
I like it!

New Genesis, chapter 1

1) In the beginning, there wasn't anything noteworthy. God consulted with his angels about this, "look at all that empty space! We really ought to put something there, don't you think?"

2) The angel Gabreal suggested, "What about a nice painting? I think a lovely planet-sized painting is just what we need. Azrael has been working on a real nice one that would work. Would you like to see?"

3) God said, "no, I've seen his stuff-- it's in a style I don't much like. I rather prefer impressionism myself--with a lot of browns and blues. No, I think we need to make .... a Universe."

4) Gabreal replies, "Are you sure, Lord? You remember what happened last time, and how it ended up turning out so badly-- you had to blast everything in sight, and the whole thing eventually collapsed into that point-thingy."

5) God replies, "Yes, I remember that-- but this time, it'll be different. I have it all worked out-- we can do a rush job in only seven--no--six days, and it'll be perfect."

6) "Six days, Lord? Are you sure you want to incur all that overtime? The construction daemons will demand double-overtime, and they're apt to do a shoddy job if you push them too hard." reminded Gabreal.

7) "That is true," God said thoughtfully, "so, how about this-- we recycle the last one, and just let it kind of unfold over, say... 1 billion years?"

8) Gabreal, "If you're going to wait that long, what's another 15 billion? You could double the savings, too and even let the construction daemons have the weekends off that they've been lobbying for lately. And over 15 billion years, with compound interest, by the time the payment comes due, you'll have doubled your initial investment. Everybody wins.

9) "Good point, Gabreal." said God. "Let it be so." And god nudged the tiny point that was the previous failed experiment, and started the Universe on it's 15 billion year journey.

10) And it was so.
Imhotep

Windermere, FL

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#5
Apr 8, 2013
 

Judged:

1

1

Bob of Quantum-Faith wrote:
I like it!
New Genesis, chapter 1
1) In the beginning, there wasn't anything noteworthy. God consulted with his angels about this, "look at all that empty space! We really ought to put something there, don't you think?"
2) The angel Gabreal suggested, "What about a nice painting? I think a lovely planet-sized painting is just what we need. Azrael has been working on a real nice one that would work. Would you like to see?"
3) God said, "no, I've seen his stuff-- it's in a style I don't much like. I rather prefer impressionism myself--with a lot of browns and blues. No, I think we need to make .... a Universe."
4) Gabreal replies, "Are you sure, Lord? You remember what happened last time, and how it ended up turning out so badly-- you had to blast everything in sight, and the whole thing eventually collapsed into that point-thingy."
5) God replies, "Yes, I remember that-- but this time, it'll be different. I have it all worked out-- we can do a rush job in only seven--no--six days, and it'll be perfect."
6) "Six days, Lord? Are you sure you want to incur all that overtime? The construction daemons will demand double-overtime, and they're apt to do a shoddy job if you push them too hard." reminded Gabreal.
7) "That is true," God said thoughtfully, "so, how about this-- we recycle the last one, and just let it kind of unfold over, say... 1 billion years?"
8) Gabreal, "If you're going to wait that long, what's another 15 billion? You could double the savings, too and even let the construction daemons have the weekends off that they've been lobbying for lately. And over 15 billion years, with compound interest, by the time the payment comes due, you'll have doubled your initial investment. Everybody wins.
9) "Good point, Gabreal." said God. "Let it be so." And god nudged the tiny point that was the previous failed experiment, and started the Universe on it's 15 billion year journey.
10) And it was so.
Bob you're killing me -I can't stop laughing!

Yeah the first attempt failed, He lost his temper as gods are want to do, killed everything, and needed 8 amateur boatbuilders one of which was 900 years old to fix his Initial creation mistakes.

What happens in the family stays in the family!

“Quantum Junctn: Use Both Lanes”

Since: Dec 06

Tulsa, Oklahoma USofA

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#7
Apr 8, 2013
 

Judged:

1

1

New Gospel of John 2, 1-12

1) And when Jesus was a teenager, he was often playing tricks on his kin and the neighboring kids. But the best trick he played didn't even use any magic at all.

2) Jesus, his mother and several of the neighbors had been invited to a really posh, uptown wedding feast. And the feast was going full swing, and indeed, there were far more gusts than the cheapskate who had put the whole thing on, had planned for. And soon enough, the wine ran out. Jesus' mom complained to her son, "that cheap bum, he only ordered five jars of wine--and not very good wine either."

3) Jesus, observing that wile everyone had a nice buzz on, nobody was really drunk. Since many of his pranks required people to be really drunk, he was in somewhat of a quandary. What do do? What to do? So he go ahold of his best pals, and hatched a plan. "Hey, John, have you ever noticed that the 'better' a wine is, the more like rotten fruit it tastes?"

4) "Yeah, so? It's just the way of grownups I think. Give me the cheap stuff any day-- you can get really drunk for a pittance. But that laa-de-daa wine just gives me a headache."

5) "Exactly! It tastes like swill, but the grownups all like to pretend it's mana or something. I got me an idea, though: see those jars of washing-up water over there?"

6) "Yeah, so? That water's not very clean-- did you see what was in the jars before. Smells like old cheese or something."

7) "Yes, it's perfect-- remember on the way here, when we passed Ol Man Jacob's vineyard? The cheap b*stard didn't hire enough pickers, and there's tons of grapes rotting on the ground?"

8) "Yeah, it smells like old beggar Ezekial. So what?"

9) "Let's get the guys, and go grab some of those rotten grapes-- I got an idea." And it was so, Jesus and his pals grabbed some baskets, and snuck off down to Jacob's vineyard, and gathered up double-handfuls of rotten grapes from the ground where they lay.

10) Upon returning with their over-ripe bounty, Jesus instructed his pals to smash them with rocks, then to dump the whole into the jars of wash-water. "Now, just stand back and watch-- we've moved these over next to the empty wine jars--this'll be a hoot!"

11) And indeed, the wash water and rotten grapes were mistaken for the finest of wines by the overly soused guests-- even the city mayor exclaimed that this was the finest vintage he had ever had, and why did the wedding planner save this obviously rare and fine vintage for the last?

12) The lesson in this: it's all in your perception; if you expect fine wine, then that is what you will taste. If you expect cheap wine? Then cheap wine is all you will ever know.

“Quantum Junctn: Use Both Lanes”

Since: Dec 06

Tulsa, Oklahoma USofA

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#9
Apr 8, 2013
 
This seems appropriate to insert here---
__________
Noah (3 skits)
by Bill Cosby

There's fella by the name of Noah
Built an ark
Everybody knows he built an ark.
You see
What Noah do? Well he built an ark
But very few people know about
The conversation that went on between the Lord and Noah
You see Noah was in his rec. room
Sewing away, he was making a few things for the home there.
He was a good carpenter

Whoompa, whoompa, whoompa, whoompa
Noah!
Somebody call?
Whoompa, whoompa, whoompa
Noah!
Who is that?
It's the Lord, Noah
Right!

Where are ja?
What you want? I've been good.
I want you to build an Ark
Right!
Whats an Ark?
Get some wood build it
300 cubits by 80 cubits by 40 cubits
Right!
Whats a cubit?
Lets see a cubit...I used to know what a cubit was
Well don't worry about that Noah
When you get that done
Go out into the world and
Collect all of the animals in the world by twos
Male and female, and put them into the ark
Right!
Who is this really?

What's going on?
How come you want me to do all these weird things?
I'm going to destory the world
Right!
Am I on Candid Camera?

How you gonna do it?
I'm gonna make it rain for a thousand days and drown 'em right out
Right!
Listen to this, you'll save water
Let it rain for 40 days and 40 nights
And wait for the sewers back up
Right!

I just wondering,
What would be the effect of an Ark on the average neighbour?
Now, here's a guy going to work, 7 o'clock in the morning
Noahs next door neighbour and he sees the Ark.
Hey!
You up there!
What you want?
What is this?
It's an Ark
Aha
You wanna get it outta my driveway?
I gotta get to work
Listen, what this thing for anyway?
I can't tell you
Hahahahaha!
Well, I mean can't you give me a little hint?
You wanna a hint?
Yes, please
How long can you tread water?
Hahahah!

'Course Noah had a heck of a job really
He had to go out and collect
All the animals in the world, by two's
Two mosquitoes, male or female
And, uh, he had to keep telling the rabbits
Only two, only two, only two.
So we find Noah pulling up the last two animals
Two hippos and he's really in a hurry to get em up
Because hes afraid that the Lords gonna call him
And ask him to do something else
And his nevers are shot
This is one heck of a job for a man 600 years old

So we find him pulling up the two last hippos
And of course the Lord does call him there
Com'on fat hippos hurry up
Com'on will you please?
Noah!
What? What you want?
Gotta take one of those hippos out
And bring in another one
What for?
'Cause you got two males down there
And you need to bring in a female
I'm not bringin' nothin' in
You change one of em'
Com'on you know I don't work like that.

Well I'm sick and tired of this I've had enough of this stuff
I've been working all day
Working on it for days and days
I'm sick and tired of this
Noah!
Yeah?
How long can you tread water?

------ continued

“Quantum Junctn: Use Both Lanes”

Since: Dec 06

Tulsa, Oklahoma USofA

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#10
Apr 8, 2013
 
Noah (3 skits)
by Bill Cosby

Part 2
__________

Yeah, well I got news for you
I'm sick and tired of this whole mess
The whole neigbourhood's out there laughing at me
They're all having a grand time
At good old old Noah there
I went out there at my best friend Larry
I've been talking to the Lord, Larry
Larry said
Oh, really
Yeah yeah
Lord, Larry, Larry, Lord
You walked off laughing
And I hear 'em all laughing at me
You know I'm the only guy in this neighbourhood with an Ark?
People around here laughing
Picket signs walking up and down
I'm sick and tired of this stuff here
People walking around here
How you doing Tarzan?
How's everything up there?.
Sick and tired of this mess here
You supposed to know all and see all
You let me go out there
And bring in a pregnant elephant
You give me no manual for delivery or nuthin'
Never told me the thing was pregnant
There's good old Naoh waitin' underneath the elephant there
Brrrrroooooooooom
Right on top
Sick and tired of this mess here
Had enough all this stuff
For you runnin' around
You supposed to know all and see all
Like I said before
You let me go out there and do all this stuff here
You never even looked in the bottom of that Ark
Have you looked down there?
No?
Who's gonna clean up that mess down there?
That's me
I tell you I've had enough of this stuff
I tell you what I'm gonna do
I'm letting all these animals out
And I'm gonna burn down this Ark
And I'm going to Florida somewhere
'Cause you haven't done nothin'
I'm sick and tired of all this mess
You foolin' around
And you haven't done nothing!

And you got it rainin'
It's not a shower is it?
Ok Lord me and you right
'Cause I knew it all the time

“Right click Left click Yay!”

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Nehwon

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#11
Apr 9, 2013
 
(might be a double post)

Samuel 17
The Challenge of Goliath

[1] Supply Sergeant David had just gotten off duty and went to The Jug. Within, with a beer in his hand, he started up a conversation with Linda Lou.

[2] When in walked a man, all bronze with a tan, looking for you know who. With great wrath he strode up to the 5'2" David and bellowed "What you trying to prove? That's my girl there and I'm a man who cares."

[3] And David, encouraged by the Lord and a couple of beers too many, answered "Look, pal. You don't know who you are messing with! I'm an Army Ranger! I live the life of danger!"

[4] Goliath was briefly taken aback by David's audacity but erupted with an loud bellow of laughter. Then did he grin evilly and pulled 99 dogtags from under his shirt.

[5] "An Army Ranger, eh? Good. I only need one more and I get a 7 day pass."

[6] David quickly flung his beer mug at Goliath, striking him in the head, stunning him briefly. This is how David was able to get three steps on Goliath to run out the door.

“Right click Left click Yay!”

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Nehwon

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#12
Apr 9, 2013
 
Luke 4
The Temptation of Jesus

[1] Filled with the spirit, Mary Magdelene asked Jesus to buy her a new computer from Best Buy. It would only take 40 minutes but to Jesus this will seem like 40 days and 40 nights.

[2] After wandering around the wilderness of the PC and laptop section, Jesus had come to a decision. But the evil one with the name tag saying Satan tried to tempt him with a more powerful computer.

[3] Jesus rebuked Satan by saying "I only need it to check email and play solitaire! No!"

[4] Satan handed over the computer Jesus wanted.

[5] At the checkout counter, the cashier, also named Satan, tempted Jesus again. He could get 10 percent off now if he applied for a Best Buy credit card.

[6] And Jesus rebuked her mightily: "No! I'm already maxxed out on all my credit cards!"

[7] And Satan* II acquiesced and rang up his purchase.

[8] The mightiest trial was after the sale had been completed. On his way out the door, another person, also named Satan, asked to check his receipt.

[9] Jesus, in a passion play that only he could do, exclaimed "You just watched me pay! I saw you watching me! Why do you need to check the receipt?!?"

[10] And Satan III was defeated. Jesus returned home with a new computer. Little did the Lord know what the Lord had planned for Him with the trials of setting up the new computer.

*4:7,10 Around 10-12 CE, Satan was the most popular name for parents to name their children, male and female. Around 15 CE, it was replaced with Hop-a-long.

“Quantum Junctn: Use Both Lanes”

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#13
Apr 9, 2013
 
Good! Good! Right on target.

:)

“Right click Left click Yay!”

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Nehwon

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#14
Apr 9, 2013
 
Reason Personified wrote:
<quoted text>LOL! I so approve. Finally changes to the book which will reflect reality. I simply haven't the talent to join you in this endeavor, but might I suggest that the unicorn be restored to the tale.
Ahh, let's see what I can do...

The Gospel According to Paul Ryan

[11478]- For yea, we can balance the budget with a few simple changes: Tax breaks for the wealthy, and replacing Medicare with unicorn horns. For only those truly worthy of being healed shall be blessed with the strength to run down and capture the means of their salvation. And by slaughtering them kosher shall their powdered horn provide temporary relief of erectile dysfunction.

Letters from Prison
Saint Ken Ham

23 - Now the evolutionists will claim that we are not devolving. But we have proof! The unicorns went back into the sea to become Narwhals! After all, evolution clearly states that we are constantly evolving so that a land animal certainly won't return to the sea from whence, as they claim, they came.

Journal of Nature
Excerpt from "The Effects of Healthcare Policy and the Endangerment of Extinction of the Unicorns and The Rate of Change to Narwhals."

"We cannot account for how the unicorns were able to change themselves from a land based animal in a sea faring creature in only a matter of years. Speculation is that they are highly intelligent and recognized that they were being slaughtered to become boner pills. That they so readily adapted themselves to the changing environment suggests they can alter their DNA at will in order to escape destruction. We need to put them into the same category as white mice and dolphins."

"Further studies are needed, but federal research budgets have been redirected into the Spanish Fly, Horny Goat Weed and V14GR4 programs to cure the plague of ED in a few percent of men over 60."

“Citizen_Patriot_ Voter_Atheist!”

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Earth,TX

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#15
Apr 10, 2013
 
greymouser wrote:
<quoted text>
Ahh, let's see what I can do...
The Gospel According to Paul Ryan
[11478]- For yea, we can balance the budget with a few simple changes: Tax breaks for the wealthy, and replacing Medicare with unicorn horns. For only those truly worthy of being healed shall be blessed with the strength to run down and capture the means of their salvation. And by slaughtering them kosher shall their powdered horn provide temporary relief of erectile dysfunction.
Letters from Prison
Saint Ken Ham
23 - Now the evolutionists will claim that we are not devolving. But we have proof! The unicorns went back into the sea to become Narwhals! After all, evolution clearly states that we are constantly evolving so that a land animal certainly won't return to the sea from whence, as they claim, they came.
Journal of Nature
Excerpt from "The Effects of Healthcare Policy and the Endangerment of Extinction of the Unicorns and The Rate of Change to Narwhals."
"We cannot account for how the unicorns were able to change themselves from a land based animal in a sea faring creature in only a matter of years. Speculation is that they are highly intelligent and recognized that they were being slaughtered to become boner pills. That they so readily adapted themselves to the changing environment suggests they can alter their DNA at will in order to escape destruction. We need to put them into the same category as white mice and dolphins."
"Further studies are needed, but federal research budgets have been redirected into the Spanish Fly, Horny Goat Weed and V14GR4 programs to cure the plague of ED in a few percent of men over 60."
LOL! Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap! < That's applause ........ applause, I tell ya.

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Nehwon

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#16
Apr 16, 2013
 

Judged:

1

1

Genesis 11
The Tower of Babel

1 And the whole earth was united in spirit with the One God.

2 And it came to pass*, the whole earth was united is dedicating a Building to honor the Glory of God.

3 This construction quickly fell to trivial disputes upon the various factions who bickered and fought and warred over the proper construction of the Building.

4 God sent his ultimate project manager, a(n undocumented) son of a carpenter to take charge of the ambitious goal to get it back on track.

5 While it was impressive this project manager could conjure up miracles for common problems, Jesus could not get the project back on track.

6 With Godly wisdom but not power, Jesus delegated the project to Peter to build the foundation. Peter failed but God provided Paul, wise in the ways of greasing the local politicians and Foundation Union Local 666.

7 But even Paul, using a rallying point of the Death of Jesus, the journeymen of the Apostles, and the political kickbacks to the Roman overlords could not stop the fracturing of God's Word.

8 Once the people have bitten from the Tree of Knowledge and they learned to read and write, the Word of God was interpreted.

9 No longer could God just say "This is the Word." The People could read what He'd said before and compare to the current Word.

10 And the people, who were supposed to unite, disintegrated into varying factions of the proper way to adore the Lord.

11 And thus, it came to pass, that the followers of the Lord, spoke the same language but the words had different meanings for each tribe.

12 And the Lord prophet-enforcer, Jules, summarized the discord in one succinct sentence: "Aramaic, motherf***er, do you speak it?!?"

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#17
Apr 16, 2013
 

Judged:

1

1

1

Oh, forgot to add the * footnote.

"And so it came to pass" is not repeated filling words like the holy books of Mormon that Joseph Smith used to fulfill the word count on his holy book Creative Writing class final.
KJV

United States

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#18
Apr 17, 2013
 
Bob of Quantum-Faith wrote:
Noah (3 skits)
by Bill Cosby

Part 2
__________

Yeah, well I got news for you
I'm sick and tired of this whole mess
The whole neigbourhood's out there laughing at me
They're all having a grand time
At good old old Noah there
I went out there at my best friend Larry
I've been talking to the Lord, Larry
Larry said
Oh, really
Yeah yeah
Lord, Larry, Larry, Lord
You walked off laughing
And I hear 'em all laughing at me
You know I'm the only guy in this neighbourhood with an Ark?
People around here laughing
Picket signs walking up and down
I'm sick and tired of this stuff here
People walking around here
How you doing Tarzan?
How's everything up there?.
Sick and tired of this mess here
You supposed to know all and see all
You let me go out there
And bring in a pregnant elephant
You give me no manual for delivery or nuthin'
Never told me the thing was pregnant
There's good old Naoh waitin' underneath the elephant there
Brrrrroooooooooom
Right on top
Sick and tired of this mess here
Had enough all this stuff
For you runnin' around
You supposed to know all and see all
Like I said before
You let me go out there and do all this stuff here
You never even looked in the bottom of that Ark
Have you looked down there?
No?
Who's gonna clean up that mess down there?
That's me
I tell you I've had enough of this stuff
I tell you what I'm gonna do
I'm letting all these animals out
And I'm gonna burn down this Ark
And I'm going to Florida somewhere
'Cause you haven't done nothin'
I'm sick and tired of all this mess
You foolin' around
And you haven't done nothing!

And you got it rainin'
It's not a shower is it?
Ok Lord me and you right
'Cause I knew it all the time
I still have the LP.

It's the best!!

Rightttttt.
KJV

United States

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#19
Apr 17, 2013
 
Now this could be a fun thread.

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Nehwon

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#20
Apr 19, 2013
 
And the Pharisees had captured Judas with Holy extortion. "Lead us to your Master! or we shall cast you out of the closet." they said. "We'll give you 30 pieces of silver we found on our piles of gold in our vaults."

Judas, in fear of being outed, agreed. He was to kiss his brethren on the cheek, but for his master, Jesus, we was to explore his mouth deeply with his tongue where he knew Jesus would reciprocate as he had done often before.

But the most vociferous and closeted conservative Pharisees were politically savvy. They used the government, the Romans, to do their dirty work.

The Pharisee's plan worked. Jesus was outed with a passionate kissing play and condemned by the public. He executed by the governing authorities as the PR campaign worked so well, that a murderer in your midst is better than a gay.

And the Pharisees were overjoyed. Not only were they able to kill the Messiah by proxy, they were able to keep secret the rituals of the true Son of the Lord, Prince Gaylord.

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#21
Apr 19, 2013
 
Well done!

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Nehwon

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Judge it!
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#22
Apr 19, 2013
 
And the Lord spake to Levi, the film critic.'Go and watch "The Sound of Music" paying particular attention to the song 'My Favorite Things.' Use your talents of criticism the Lord has given you and write a book called 'Leviticus: Abominations before the Lord.'"

And Levi obeyed and constructed a list of hate endorsed by the Lord. A few excerpts follow:

Anything you like
Shellfish
Polyester Leisure Suits
Rock and/or Roll Music
Vera Lynn
Poor people
Tattoos
Lepers (or any sick people)
Dirty women especially after they give birth
Anything that anyone might find fun.
Levi (only applies to Levi)
Comfortable underwear.
Bananas
Penguins
Cleavage
Music keyed to major chords
Amalekites
Raindrops on roses
Whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles
Warm woolen mittens

And thus was the book of Leviticus stillborn to live throughout the ages.

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