Hubby makes her skin crawl

Hubby makes her skin crawl

There are 23 comments on the Chicago Tribune story from Oct 7, 2007, titled Hubby makes her skin crawl. In it, Chicago Tribune reports that:

Dear Amy: My husband and I have not been intimate for a long time. He wants to. I don't. The last few times I cried during and after.

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Polarity

Washington, DC

#1 Oct 7, 2007
Amy's advice to "Not a Happy Marriage" is sound.

Some good questions for this wife to consider in counseling:

When did she lose her desire for her husband -- and what, if anything, changed in her or their life around that time?

Does she still get aroused and/or pleasure herself when her husband is not around?

Does she feel any sexual desire for other people, besides her husband?(Is or was she attracted to other women, by any chance?)

Has she had a medical checkup recently, and was anything anomalous found?

Etc etc etc. Any good trained therapist will consider all the possibilities (e.g. medical, social, sexual) and perform this sort of "differential diagnosis" to help eliminate certain causes and focus more closely on the likely causes.

Good luck to her and her husband. Listen to Amy - get counseling, and fast!
Polarity

Washington, DC

#2 Oct 7, 2007
The only thing I disagree with is Amy's recommendation of the HBO show. The hour spent watching this TV show once a week would be much better spent in counseling, or talking to her husband.
Goran

AOL

#3 Oct 7, 2007
Not A Happy Marriage should ask herself if she ever had any desire for sex with anyone. Crying during sex and the statement that her husband touching her makes her skin crawl seem to me to suggest that she may have been sexually abused. Or the husband may have been pushing sex on her in a brutal manner--what kind of guy persists in sex if his wife is crying? Or she may just not like men. In any case, as Amy says, her extreme revulsion to sex needs a good therapist to help her sort it all out.
NH male

Palermo, ME

#4 Oct 7, 2007
Dear Amy,

I think the woman that has intimacy problems, needs a shrink, and not with the company of her husband. If she's having imaginary problems, I don't see how involving her husband as part of her delusions will solve anything, except to make him the scapegoat for her imagination.
beaware

AOL

#5 Oct 7, 2007
Maybe unconsciously she has picked up something about her husband ,she may suspect that he isn't being faithful.
Male

Chicago, IL

#6 Oct 7, 2007
beaware wrote:
Maybe unconsciously she has picked up something about her husband ,she may suspect that he isn't being faithful.
Maybe unconsciously she's a nut case! Why is it everyone assumes it's something bad about the man? From her own statements, he's a good guy! She's the one who is abusing him by treating him like he's got cooties!

She needs help! If that doesn't work, he needs a new wife.
Long-time married

United States

#7 Oct 7, 2007
My first thought was that the poor woman has been sexually abused. If that's the case, any man would probably repulse her. And no, it's not his fault.

Counseling will probably be the only thing that helps, if she really wants their marriage to work.
jake

AOL

#8 Oct 7, 2007
beaware wrote:
Maybe unconsciously she has picked up something about her husband ,she may suspect that he isn't being faithful.
Worse ,perhaps she picked up something from him
Spankhole

Chicago, IL

#9 Oct 7, 2007
She has mental problems. He needs a new wife. A counselor won't help here. Stop blaming the man...she doesn't.

Why do you folks always blame the man?
Garry

Naperville, IL

#10 Oct 7, 2007
Halloween is demonic...
just me

Lynnwood, WA

#11 Oct 8, 2007
I hope that makes her skin crawl gets help - FAST. Whether she's been the victim of sexual abuse and needs to work through her issues (and needs to TELL HER HUSBAND so that he knows whats going on and can be patient with her as she deals with the abuse), or if she's gay (in which case she needs to let him go, because he deserves to have a wife in EVERY since of the word, and if "he makes her skin crawl" then he certainly doesn't have one now).

If the problem is physical, such as cysts or something else that would make sex painful, then again, she needs to get help so the problem can be addressed.

Whatever the problem is, I don't think it's his fault, but I do think this is going to be a major problem for them, because if 2 people are healthy and otherwise physically capable, sexual relations is a very vital, intimate, and fundamental part of a healthy, happy marriage.

At the very least, he deserves to be made aware of the situation so he can decide how HE feels about it, so he, too, can address it how he wants (stick with her and no sex, leave her if she doesn't get help, etc.)
Anter

Warwick, NY

#12 Oct 8, 2007
just me wrote:
I hope that makes her skin crawl gets help - FAST. Whether she's been the victim of sexual abuse and needs to work through her issues (and needs to TELL HER HUSBAND so that he knows whats going on and can be patient with her as she deals with the abuse), or if she's gay (in which case she needs to let him go, because he deserves to have a wife in EVERY since of the word, and if "he makes her skin crawl" then he certainly doesn't have one now).
If the problem is physical, such as cysts or something else that would make sex painful, then again, she needs to get help so the problem can be addressed.
Whatever the problem is, I don't think it's his fault, but I do think this is going to be a major problem for them, because if 2 people are healthy and otherwise physically capable, sexual relations is a very vital, intimate, and fundamental part of a healthy, happy marriage.
At the very least, he deserves to be made aware of the situation so he can decide how HE feels about it, so he, too, can address it how he wants (stick with her and no sex, leave her if she doesn't get help, etc.)
She may sense that he's gay or bisexual
Dave

Waymart, PA

#14 Oct 8, 2007
Oh my, here we go again. See, she doesnt offer any information on why he makes her skin crawl. Did he become overly obese, stop with hygene and become physically repulsive or something? I just dont get this, if she didn't like being intimate, why did she get married in the first place. And why is it that the first assumption is the man is being unfaithful?(of course by this time he very well danged may be and it would be justified! I cant imagine how it must feel to be with someone who cries when you try expressing your care for them)....now if she has problems with abuse fine, get counseling and deal with it but hey, lets not start off on ripping and bashing this poor SOB who does everything else right!
Ellis

Sunbury, UK

#15 Oct 8, 2007
I can tell you all why this poor woman's skin crawls whenever her husband touches her because it happened to me some years ago.

It's not because she's crazy, or abused, or gay. She may even still love him. But she's in a situation where over time she came to desire him no longer, and is in fact physically repulsed by him. And out of sheer politeness and self-blame, she allows him to climb onboard again and again. And it's giving her a nervous breakdown.

Either he has become physically repulsive over time (obesity, lack of hygiene, etc), or her feelings have been slowly ground away by his looking weak, stupid and ridiculous in her eyes (she DID say he was immature)... and so her sexual desire switch has gone off. And believe me, once that happens it will not go back on.

She needs counselling, and she needs to get that oaf off of her before she ends up throwing herself off a bridge or something. She needs to find out if the marriage is worth saving, and what she intends to do now that sex with the man is permanently out of the question.

It's called CHANGE and it happens to people's feelings -- a wedding band does not innoculate people against such things.
Long-time married

United States

#16 Oct 8, 2007
I think most of these posts have been sympathetic to both parties. I don't see that many people "blaming the man," though I do see several posts that jump to the conclusion that everybody is blaming him.

Why so defensive? Obviously the poor woman needs help. If he loves her, he'll want her to get it.

Somebody said, why did she get married if she doesn't like intimacy? Well, maybe she saved that for marriage. That's what happened to my poor mother. After she got married, she found out that she hated sex. The only thing that saved her sanity was when my father had prostate surgery.

Thankfully, I didn't take after her.
LisaB

London, UK

#17 Oct 9, 2007
Long-time married wrote:
I think most of these posts have been sympathetic to both parties.
Right. The guy is not to blame, but he is in an unfortunate situation.

If he let himself become physically revolting, even if he did drop the weight, got his teeth fixed, clipped the hair from his nostrils and stopped wearing Snoopy tshirts, she will probably never see him as sexy again.

If he's still physically attractive but acts like a useless buffoon, he's really got to understand that this doesn't signal 'sexy' to his wife but very much the opposite. Who wants to sleep with a guy who's got 'IDIOT' written on his forehead?

I really wish advice columnists would get past the idea that 'men who help around the house' somehow automatically translates to 'men who women see as hot'. It's so trite. How great if life were that simple, yeah? Sorry but he's still the same man whether he takes out the garbage or not. If he does it for you then the garbage can stack up all day, who cares? But if he doesn't do it for you (any longer), taking out the garbage isn't going to get you going.
Cally

Lincoln, UK

#18 Jan 9, 2008
Thank you! thank you! Ellis and LisaB. Your replies made me laugh out loud - you're right of course. Is it coincidental that you both in the UK? I am too.... Your responses seem so sane - and are a relief to me as I was just looking through sites to see if our problems were because I was a lesbian! You have reminded me that I am not, am normal and that this is the way things go sometimes for perfectly ordinary reasons, like politeness and self blame (again very British traits) rather than abuse, lesbianism etc etc. Thanks again.
Kay

Nebraska City, NE

#19 May 3, 2008
I put in a google search Why my husband makes my skin crawl, and reading some of these comments really upset me. The ones that suggest this woman is nuts, are so wrong. My husband has been consistently unfaithful to me in our 7 yrs of marriage and although he said "he's changed" I still don't believe him. If he touches me I cringe. I was not abused and am not crazy. He's a scum bag and I need to leave. This woman has feelings that are probably valid, so give her a little credit
Polarity wrote:
Amy's advice to "Not a Happy Marriage" is sound.
Some good questions for this wife to consider in counseling:
When did she lose her desire for her husband -- and what, if anything, changed in her or their life around that time?
Does she still get aroused and/or pleasure herself when her husband is not around?
Does she feel any sexual desire for other people, besides her husband?(Is or was she attracted to other women, by any chance?)
Has she had a medical checkup recently, and was anything anomalous found?
Etc etc etc. Any good trained therapist will consider all the possibilities (e.g. medical, social, sexual) and perform this sort of "differential diagnosis" to help eliminate certain causes and focus more closely on the likely causes.
Good luck to her and her husband. Listen to Amy - get counseling, and fast!
Know it all

Orlando, FL

#20 May 3, 2008
"He don't make my skin crawl", said his friend-girl.
too true

United States

#21 May 7, 2008
too true

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