Viking Forum Joke Thread
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“tSUHnami warning!!!!!!!!”

Since: Feb 07

Boyne City

#1 Feb 1, 2008
I start it off with a superbowl joke....

A man has 50-yard-line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, another

man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.



"No", he said, "the seat is empty".

"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in his right mind would

have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the

world, and not use it ?"



Somberly, the man says, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me. My wife

was supposed to come here with me, but she passed away. This is the

first Super Bowl we have not been to together since we got married in 1967."



"Oh I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone

else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbor - to take the seat?"



The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at the funeral

“tSUHnami warning!!!!!!!!”

Since: Feb 07

Boyne City

#2 Feb 1, 2008
And one about Avant's relatives....

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says:'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner.'

2nd Hillbilly says:'Why is that stupid?'

1st Hillbilly says:'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'

2nd Hillbilly says:'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of
them new fangled warshin ' machines!'

1st Hillbilly says:'Why is that so stupid?'

2nd Hillbilly says:''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'

3rd Hillbilly says:'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer
wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer
some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'

1st and 2nd Hillbillies say:'Well, what's so dumb about that?'

3rd Hillbilly says:'She ain't got no pecker.

“tSUHnami warning!!!!!!!!”

Since: Feb 07

Boyne City

#3 Feb 1, 2008
and some of Avant's favorite pickup lines....(Provided by Smitty)

Redneck Pickup Lines.......Talk About Suave&Debonaire■











> 1) Did you fart? Cuz you just blew me away.
>
> 2) Are yer parents retarded?
> Cuz ya sure are special.
>
> 3) My love fer you is like diarrhea,
> I can't hold itin.
>
> 4) Do you have a library card?
> Cuz I'd like to check you out.
>
> 5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
> Cuz I can see myself in em.
>
> 6) You might not be the best lookin' girl here,
> but beauty's only a light switch away.
>
> 7) Fat Penguin.... Sorry. I just wanted to say
> somethin' that would break the ice.
>
> 8) I know I'm not no Fred Flinstone, but I
> bet I can make yer bed-rock.
>
> 9) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
> I think he went into this cheap motel room.
>
> 10) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
>
> 11) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
> we kin sleep til afternoon.
>
> And .. The best fer last!!
>
> 12) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
> every time I think of it my nuts tighten up

“tSUHnami warning!!!!!!!!”

Since: Feb 07

Boyne City

#4 Feb 1, 2008
Easy Targets, but still a good joke...

The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while
Visiting a primary school class, found themselves in
The middle of a discussion related to words and their
Meanings.

The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead
The discussion of the word "tragedy". So the
Illustrious Rev Jackson asks the class for an
Example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best
Friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field
And a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead,
That would be a tragedy."

No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an
Accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus
Carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing
Everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

I'm afraid not," explains the exalted Reverend Al."That's what we would call a great loss. " The room
Goes silent. No other children volunteered.

Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn't there someone
Here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises
His hand. In a stern voice he says: "If a plane
Carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton were
Struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that
Would be a tragedy."

Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's
Right. And can you tell me why that would be a
Tragedy?"

"Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as hell
Wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be An accident either

“tSUHnami warning!!!!!!!!”

Since: Feb 07

Boyne City

#5 Feb 1, 2008
Here's one for the adults...(look away avant...AND BAIN)

A Lesson In Deaf Sex


Two deaf people got married and during the first week of
marriage they found that they are unable to communicate in
the bedroom with the lights out since they couldn't see each
other signing, or read lips.

After several nights of fumbling around and many
misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.

_She writes:_

'Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For
instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach
over and squeeze my left breast one time.

If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my
right breast two times.'

The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to
his wife if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and
pull on his penis one time.

If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two
hundred and fifty times.

Since: Jan 08

Las Vegas

#6 Feb 1, 2008
Censored Lion Fan wrote:
Here's one for the adults...(look away avant...AND BAIN)
A Lesson In Deaf Sex
Two deaf people got married and during the first week of
marriage they found that they are unable to communicate in
the bedroom with the lights out since they couldn't see each
other signing, or read lips.
After several nights of fumbling around and many
misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
_She writes:_
'Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For
instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach
over and squeeze my left breast one time.
If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my
right breast two times.'
The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to
his wife if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and
pull on his penis one time.
If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two
hundred and fifty times.
That got the coffee coming out of my nose...

“Lying scumbags need not apply”

Since: Jan 08

Yorktown, VA

#7 Feb 2, 2008
A young man from the farm moves to the big city and looks for a job. He applies at one of those monster all-under-one-room sports store.

Even though he has no experience the Manager likes his easy going manner and trustful face. He says "I'll give you a day to try and sell something and see how you do"

At the end of the day the Manager asks how many sales the Farm boy made.

"Just one" he replies

"One?" asks the Manager shaking his head thinking he won't hire the young man. "How much was the sale"

Farm boy calmly replies "$197643.23"

"One hundred ninety seven thousand!" Sputters the incredulous Manager. "What did you sell" he asks

"First I sold him a fish hook.
Then I said he needed a new rod and reel.
Then I got him some more tackle.
Next I said he needed a new boat to get to the good fishing holes. Since he was buying a boat his Honda couldn't pull I sold him a 4x4 SUV."

The Manager, now thoroughly stunned asked "You sold all that when all he wanted was a fish hook?"

"Nope" says the Farm boy, "He came in to buy tampons for his wife. I said your weekend is shot, you should go fishing."

“Start Stanton!”

Since: May 07

United States

#8 Feb 14, 2008
An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?"



He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."



She says, "Why, are you sick?"



He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."



Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.



He says, "Where the hell are you going?"



She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."



He says, "Why, what do you need?"



She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."

“VIKINGS, NFC NORTH CHAMPIONS!!”

Since: Dec 06

Location hidden

#9 Feb 14, 2008
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.
"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed,'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer."

“VIKINGS, NFC NORTH CHAMPIONS!!”

Since: Dec 06

Location hidden

#10 Feb 14, 2008
Q. What do the Lions and possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

“VIKINGS, NFC NORTH CHAMPIONS!!”

Since: Dec 06

Location hidden

#11 Feb 14, 2008
Little David is in the 5th grade. Yesterday morning when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living, all the typical answers came up: fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.

The teacher noticed that little David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so she asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and do it with him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said David, red faced. "He plays for the Detroit Lions, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

“Start Stanton!”

Since: May 07

United States

#12 Feb 14, 2008
Fran the Man wrote:
Q. What do the Lions and possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!
Hey now...The Lions had a good record at home...6-2 I believe.

“http://www.firec hilly.com/”

Since: Jan 08

Location hidden

#13 Feb 14, 2008
38 hints you may be a packer fan

1) Your mother is also your sister and girlfriend.

2) Your favorite movie is deliverance.

3) Packers favorite quote "I... uh... I was just helping the sheep over the fence...
honest!"

4) Your richest relative buys a new house, and you have to help take the wheels off.

5) Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State
trooper to "kiss my ass".

6) Your geek ass packer flag hangs higher than the U.S. Flag.

7) The primary color of your car is " Green Bondo".

8) Your family tree does not fork.

9) You have Packer flags on each side of your car.

10) Your Fat ass mother has ever been involved in a fist fight at a Packer game with
your dad.

11) You consider Outdoor Life deep reading.

12) Your mother uses her Cheesehead as a spit-cup also.

13) Ever black person you see, you ask for an autograph.

14) Your wife has a beer gut, and you think it's attractive.

15) Your dad walks to school with you because you're both in the same grade.

16) You're Gay!

17) Bill Clinton is your role model.

18) Your Hair is Shaved on the sides and long in back(Men), your hair is so puffy it
blocks the sun (Women).

19)You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.

20) That billboard that says, "SAY NO TO CRACK" reminds you to pull up your jeans.

21) Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

22) You go to your family reunion looking for a date.

23) You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

24) Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare Center.

25)You've got more than three cousins named 'Bubba'.

26)You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.

27) Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

28) Your idea of high-quality entertainment is a six-pack and a bug-zapper.

29) Your whole family is Democrats except little Mary. She got to readin.

30) You never learned to swim because your gene pool is to small.

31) You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit"
was snubbed for best picture.

32) The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.

33) The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas
it has in it.

34) You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just "misunderstood".

35) You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.

36) You've painted a car with house paint.

37) Anyone in your family died right after saying "Hey, Y'all watch this!".

38) You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.

“VIKINGS, NFC NORTH CHAMPIONS!!”

Since: Dec 06

Location hidden

#14 Feb 14, 2008
Year of the Lion wrote:
<quoted text>
Hey now...The Lions had a good record at home...6-2 I believe.
Well, there's always this year...
buddy grant

Mississauga, Canada

#15 Feb 15, 2008
Censored Lion Fan wrote:
and some of Avant's favorite pickup lines....(Provided by Smitty)
Redneck Pickup Lines.......Talk About Suave&Debonaire■
> 1) Did you fart? Cuz you just blew me away.
>
> 2) Are yer parents retarded?
> Cuz ya sure are special.
>
> 3) My love fer you is like diarrhea,
> I can't hold itin.
>
> 4) Do you have a library card?
> Cuz I'd like to check you out.
>
> 5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
> Cuz I can see myself in em.
>
> 6) You might not be the best lookin' girl here,
> but beauty's only a light switch away.
>
> 7) Fat Penguin.... Sorry. I just wanted to say
> somethin' that would break the ice.
>
> 8) I know I'm not no Fred Flinstone, but I
> bet I can make yer bed-rock.
>
> 9) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
> I think he went into this cheap motel room.
>
> 10) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
>
> 11) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
> we kin sleep til afternoon.
>
> And .. The best fer last!!
>
> 12) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
> every time I think of it my nuts tighten up
LMAO !! That' great. Thanks for the Morning smile.
buddy grant

Mississauga, Canada

#16 Feb 15, 2008
Fran the Man wrote:
Little David is in the 5th grade. Yesterday morning when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living, all the typical answers came up: fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.
The teacher noticed that little David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so she asked him about his father.
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and do it with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said David, red faced. "He plays for the Detroit Lions, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
LOL!! Very good.

“Time to look to next year!”

Since: Jan 07

Detroit Lakes, MN

#17 Feb 15, 2008
Year of the Lion wrote:
<quoted text>
Hey now...The Lions had a good record at home...6-2 I believe.
Your photo looks like you are ready for next season! You will probably need more than that one bottle..........

“Start Stanton!”

Since: May 07

United States

#18 Feb 15, 2008
Old Viking 45 wrote:
<quoted text>
Your photo looks like you are ready for next season! You will probably need more than that one bottle..........
thats my 'Sailing'Season photo....Our crew's patented drink....RUMBULLLLL!!!

(Our boat is in the backround...sparwars 3)

“VIKINGS, NFC NORTH CHAMPIONS!!”

Since: Dec 06

Location hidden

#19 Feb 15, 2008
Year of the Lion wrote:
<quoted text>
thats my 'Sailing'Season photo....Our crew's patented drink....RUMBULLLLL!!!
(Our boat is in the backround...sparwars 3)
What a great name!
bain

Watertown, SD

#20 Feb 15, 2008
why does greenbay need a new Stadium? there is to much moss in the endzone.
How did Brett Farve get 3rd degree burns on his face?
A: Bobbing for French fries
What do you Call a Dallas Cowboy Player in a 3 piece suit?
A: Defendant
Brett Farve couldn't get into his own house because the door mat said "End Zone."
There's a guy who needs a new car so he went to a car dealership and said,"I need a new car." Then the dealerman said,"We have such a new car that if you say what kind of music you want it comes on." The dealerman said,"Would you like to take it for a spin? The guy said,sure." So he took it for a ride he said,Rock" it came on. Then he said,"Country" it came on. Then on a red light some teenagers came speeding by and then the guy said,"You styupid idiots." Then the Packer game came on!
What's the difference between a dead Viking fan after being hit by a car and a dead Packer fan after being struck by a car? There's skid marks infront of the Viking fan.
My 2 Favorite Teams are the Vikings and whoever plays the Packers.
45 Cowboys and in a bar watching T.V. What are they watching? The Super Bowl
A Viking Fan is having breakfast one morning; coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam when a Packer Fan, chewing gum, sits down next to him.
The Viking Fan ignores the Packer guy who, nevertheless, starts a conversation: Packer Fan: "You Viking folk eat the whole bread??"
Viking Fan (in a bad mood): "Of course."
Packer Fan:(after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In Wisconsin, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Minnesota."
The Packer Fan has a smirk on his face. The Viking Fan listens in silence. The Packer Fan persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
Viking Fan: "Of Course."
Packer Fan:(cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In Wisconsin we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to Minnesota."
The Viking Fan then asks: "Do you have sex in Wisconsin?"
Packer Fan: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk. Viking Fan: And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Packer Fan: "We throw them away, of course."
Viking Fan: "We don't. In Minnesota, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Wisconsin

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