Chicago Bears' Biggest Preseason Disappointments so Far
The Chicago Bears have looked like a playoff team on the rise at times but have shown some glaring mistakes that will put them on track for another 8-8 season.
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#1 Aug 28, 2014
Much like any other team in any other season. The will to win and make are Bears any winning team will have to come from inside. It is the players and coaches thinking together to get it done. I credit my favorite sportscaster Hawk Harrellson. With the will to win comment.
#2 Aug 28, 2014
The Did An Angel Speak Fart - This is any loud fart in church. This fart was first called to my attention by my father. He probably read about it somewhere. For fart watchers who go to church, this is a good one to watch for as this is the only place it can be found.
The Dud Fart - The Dud Fart is not really a fart at all. It's a fart that fails. For this reason it is strictly a group one identification fart, because there is no real way you can identify a fart that somebody else expected to fart but didn't. It is the most private of all farts. In most cases the farter usually feels a little disappointed.
The Echo Fart - This is a fart that can be wrongly identified. It is not some great loud fart in an empty gym or on the rim of the Grand Canyon. The true Echo Fart is a fart that makes its own echo. It is a two-toned fart, the first tone loud, then a pause, and then the second tone. Like an echo.
The G and L Fart - This is one of the most ordinary and pedestrian of farts, known to everyone. Certainly it is the least gross. If you have not already guessed, G and L stands for Gambled and Lost. One of the most embarrassing of all farts, even when you are alone.
The Ghost Fart - A doubtful fart in most cases, as it is supposed to be identified by odor alone and to occur, for instance, in an empty house. You enter and smell a fart, yet no one is there. People will insist that only a fart could have that odor, but some believe it is just something that happens to smell like a fart.
The Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart - This is strictly an old lady's fart. What happens is that the person manages to hiccough, sneeze, and fart all at the same time. After an old lady farts a Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart she will usually pat her chest and say, "My, oh my," or "Well, well." There is no reason she should not be proud, as this is probably as neat an old person's fart as there is.
The Jerk Fart - The Jerk Fart is a fart by a jerk who smirks, smiles, grins, and points to himself in case you missed it. It is usually a single-noted, off-key, fading away, sort of whistle fart, altogether pitiful, but the jerk will act as if he has just farted the Biggest Fart in the World Fart.
The John Fart - The John Fart is simply any ordinary fart farted on the john. It is naturally a group one identification, with the sound, whatever it was, somewhat muffled. If it is all the person's trip to the john amounted to he will be disappointed for sure. Common as pigeons.
The Lead Fart - The heaviest of all farts. It sounds like a dropped ripe watermelon. Or a falling body in some cases. It is the only fart that goes thud. Except for the odor, which is also very heavy, it could be missed altogether as a fart. What was that, you might think? And never guess.
The Malted Milk Ball Fart - Odor alone is diagnostic and positively identifies this fart. It smells exactly like malted milk balls. No other food works this way. It is rare.
The Oh My God Fart - This is the most awful and dreadful stinking of all farts - a fart that smells like a month-old rotten egg - as the Oh My God Fart. If you should ever encounter it, however, you may first want to say, oh sh*t, which would be understandable.
The Omen Fart - This is the adult version of the Poo-Poo Fart. About the only difference is that the farter will not say anything. He will just look kind of funny and head for the john. This one is easy to spot if you pay attention.
The Organic Fart - Sometimes called the Health Food Nut Fart. The person who farts an Organic Fart may be talking about the healthy food he eats even when he farts. If he is heavily into health foods he may even ask if you noticed how good and pure and healthy his fart smells. It may smell to you like any other fart, but there is no harm in agreeing with him. He is doing what he thinks is best.
Since: Feb 08
#3 Sep 8, 2014
Bears biggest preseason disappointment?
Not offering Spielman President Of Football Operations Job to pry him from Minnesota.
#4 Sep 8, 2014
Very informative. Much better than watching Viking fans praise Spielman.
Post more tomorrow
Since: Feb 08
#5 Sep 8, 2014
You have way more in common with Flatulent Fred than an NFL fan, were you a bowel movement gone bad?
#6 Sep 8, 2014
Yes I am. A Spielman log.
#7 Sep 9, 2014
Symptoms of flatulence
Passing wind is normal, but the amount varies between individuals and depends on a number of factors including diet. Some people pass wind only a handful of times per day, others up to 40 times, while the average seems to be about 15. Symptoms of excessive (or embarrassing) flatulence include:
Loud anal HHHhhhooooOOWWwwLLLLLLLllllls
Passing wind often
Abdominal distension and discomfort
Rumblings in the lower abdomen.
Causes of flatulence
Intestinal gas is a normal part of digestion. The gas is produced by different means, including:
Swallowed air – the mouth isn't vacuum-sealed, so small quantities of air are swallowed along with food and liquid. The oxygen and nitrogen from the swallowed air is absorbed into the bloodstream from the small intestine, and any excess is allowed to continue its journey through the bowel for expulsion.'Air-swallowing' often occurs in people who are anxious.
Normal digestion – stomach acid is neutralised by pancreatic secretions, and the resulting interaction creates gas (carbon dioxide) as a by-product.
Intestinal bacteria – the bowel contains a host of bacteria that help digestion by fermenting some of the food components. The process of fermentation produces gas as a by-product. Some of the gas is absorbed into the bloodstream and breathed out by the lungs. The remainder is pushed along the bowel.
High fibre foods – fibre is essential to the health of the digestive system, but it can create excessive gas. The small intestine can't break down certain compounds, which means extra work for the gas-producing intestinal bacteria, and accompanying flatus. High-fibre diets should be introduced slowly to allow the bowel sufficient time to adjust.
Lactose intolerance – the body's inability to digest the particular sugars found in cows milk will produce excessive amounts of intestinal gas. This is because the bacteria of the gut digest the sugars by fermentation, a gas-creating process.
Intolerance of short-chain carbohydrates other than lactose – certain people may be susceptible to gas production from fermentation of other carbohydrates such as fructose, present in many foods including honey, corn syrup and some fruits. These short-chain carbohydrates together are now known as FODMAPS.
Some of the more unpleasant or embarrassing problems with flatulence include:
Loud flatus – this is caused by the muscles of the bowel forcing air through the tight ring of muscle at the anus. Suggestions include passing the air with less power, and reducing the amount of intestinal gas by making dietary adjustments to eliminate the HHHhhhooooOOWWwwLLLLLLLlllll.
Smelly flatus – the gas produced by bacterial fermentation can smell, depending on the food eaten. Suggestions include limiting common culprits such as garlic, onions, spicy foods and beer
Excessive flatus – this is caused by swallowing air, eating high-fibre foods, lactose intolerance or some digestive disorders. Suggestions include reducing the amount of intestinal gas by making dietary adjustments and seeking medical advice.
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