Come on...Tell me a joke

Come on...Tell me a joke

Posted in the Weird Forum

“Just tryin' to keep it real!”

Since: Mar 08

Minneapolis, MN

#1 Apr 1, 2008
Tell me some good jokes.

moi
Level 4

Since: Dec 06

Arta, Russia

#2 Dec 2, 2009
Ummmm, I"m still thinking...
Independent

United States

#3 Jan 15, 2014
I complimented my friend's mustache. I don't know why, but she's not talking to me any more.

Spotted Girl

“The Spotted Girl News Network”

Level 8

Since: Apr 09

Spotted World

#4 Apr 16, 2016
One liners:

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother.
---
Call me insane again and I'll eat your other eye.
---
Support your local mental health agency or I'll kill you.
---
Anyone who sees a psychiatrist ought to have their head examined.

“Victory Over Adversity”

Since: Apr 11

Location hidden

#5 Sep 9, 2016

Number 1 Joke in England


An Israeli doctor said: "Medicine is so advanced in Israel that
we can cut off a man's testicles put them on another man and in six
weeks he is looking for work.

The German doctor said: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part
of a brain, put it in another man and in four weeks he is looking for
work."

The Russian doctor said: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a
man, put it in another's chest and in two weeks he is looking for work."

The American doctor laughed: "You are all are behind us.

Seven years ago we took a Muslim with no brains, no heart, and no balls and made him President. Now, the whole damn country is looking for work!"

:
:

NB:- This joke actually won an award for the best joke in world competition, held in Britain.

“"My Book of Many Shadows"”

Since: Apr 15

Location hidden

#9 Nov 14, 2016
"TO PEE or NOT TO PEE"

Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something.

You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted.

After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.

Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood".

Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.

And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim.

Now sometimes, when you're newly married,(and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your
weenie.

So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her ... look, it won't bend. She said, "sit down like I told you to do
all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood".

Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.

I have found the only effective manoeuvre to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl
during the first morning pee.

So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control.

Not our fault, it's just Mother Nature

Now, if it was Father Nature, there wouldn't have been a problem!!!

“"My Book of Many Shadows"”

Since: Apr 15

Location hidden

#10 Nov 14, 2016
"A SHORT GUN STORY"

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his un-holstered pistol and yelled,



"I have a 45 calibre Colt 1911 with a seven round magazine plus one in the chamber,



and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."

..........A voice from the back of the room called out, "You need more ammo!”

“"My Book of Many Shadows"”

Since: Apr 15

Location hidden

#11 Nov 14, 2016
"FOUR PINTS OF FOREIGN BLOOD !!!!"

Fred has been in hospital for a major operation.

When he comes round three days later in hospital the surgeon says:

"I've got good news and bad news.....

........ the bad news is you have had two pints of African blood and two pints of Muslim blood".

Fred screams, "What the hell is the good news then?"

"Your penis is six inches longer and you are top of the housing list."









“"My Book of Many Shadows"”

Since: Apr 15

Location hidden

#12 Nov 14, 2016
"SHRIMP TRAIN"

A very cute Catholic nun was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man wearing a turban, who was eating shrimp.

Every time he ate one, he spat the tail in her direction, requiring her to dodge or deflect it.

He finished the box of shrimp and threw it out the window.

Seeing this, she'd had enough of his rudeness, lack of manners, and his total disdain of women.
She got up and pulled the train's Emergency Cord.

The Muslim looked at her and said, "You'll get fined $250 for doing that, you stupid, worthless, Catholic infidel b1tch.

She smiled and said..."listen Haji, in three seconds when I cry rape and they smell your fingers, you'll get twenty-five years in prison, you nappy headed, Islamic piece of sh1t."

“"My Book of Many Shadows"”

Since: Apr 15

Location hidden

#13 Nov 14, 2016
"HARLEY GIRL".....





A young woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs .. a green spot on the inside of each.

"They won't wash off, they won't scrape off and they seem to be getting worse."

The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.

A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.

The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy. There's no problem. But, I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"

The woman stammers, "Why, yes, he is."

"Tell him his earrings are not real gold."




“"My Book of Many Shadows"”

Since: Apr 15

Location hidden

#14 Nov 14, 2016
"DAVE'S MATES."

Dave was bragging to his boss one day,“You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff,“OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”

“No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.”

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and Tom Cruise shouts,“Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!”

Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

“No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says.

“President Obama,” his boss quickly retorts.

“Yup,” Dave says,“Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington,” and off they go.

At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying,“Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a beer first and catch up.”

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

“Pope Francis,” his boss replies.

“Sure!” says Dave.“I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican’s St. Peter’s Square when Dave says,“This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him,“What happened?”

His boss looks up and says,“It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said,‘Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?’





Knock off purse seller

Littleton, CO

#15 Nov 15, 2016
How about I eat your eye out?? While it's still in your skull.

Just kidding.

There, there's my joke.

Booo, bad joke.
:/

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