There goes the neighborhood!

“Incorrupta fides, nudaque veri”

Level 9

Since: May 07

Vincit qui se vincit

#13362 Oct 8, 2013
Sublime1 wrote:
<quoted text>
Poor people. I have to think even by Mexican standards that whoever organized that show violated numerous safety standards.
I don't think Mexico has many safety standards to begin with? If they do, I doubt they're monitored much, they don't have any money.

“ON TRAIL W / DONKEY!”

Level 5

Since: Oct 08

Location hidden

#13363 Oct 8, 2013
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me ... it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to go over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to our family!!!"

And the moral of this story is :

Always keep your condoms in your car ...

“ON TRAIL W / DONKEY!”

Level 5

Since: Oct 08

Location hidden

#13364 Oct 8, 2013
Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Ted loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?"
They cut cards. Bob picks the two of clubs and has to carry the news to Ted's wife.
They tell him to be discreet; be gentle; don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."
Bob goes over to Ted's apartment and knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants.
Bob declares, "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" says the wife.
"I'll go tell him," says Bob.

“ON TRAIL W / DONKEY!”

Level 5

Since: Oct 08

Location hidden

#13365 Oct 8, 2013
Rules for calling a tech support

1.When a tech says he's coming right over, log out and go for coffee. It's no problem for us to remember 2700 network passwords.

2.When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals,dried flowers, and trophies. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

3.When tech support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're probably just testing out the email system.

4.When a tech is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and explain your problem(s) and expect him to respond immediately. We exist only to serve and are always ready to think about fixing computers.

5.When a tech is at the coffee machine or outside having a smoke, ask him a computer question. The only reason why we drink coffee or smoke at all is to ferret out all those users who don't have eMail or a telephone line.

6.Send urgent eMail ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

7.When you call a tech's direct line, press 5 to skip the bilingual greeting that says he's out of town for a week, record your message, and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an eMail straight to the director because no one ever returned your call. You're entitled to common courtesy.

8.When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it, right?

9.When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can even fix telephone problems from here.

10.When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on a tech's chair with no name, no phone number, and no description of the problem. We love a good mystery.

11.When you have a tech on the phone walking you through changing a setting; read the paper. We don't actually mean for you to DO anything; we just love to hear ourselves talk.

12.When we offer training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don't bother going. We'll be there to hold your hand after it is done.

13.When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently just disappear for no reason.

14.When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the office. One of them is bound to work.

15.Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.

16.If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go around and update the network drivers for you and all your co-workers. We're grateful for the overtime when we have to stay until 2:30am fixing them.

17.When you have a tech fixing your computer at a quarter past one, eat your lunch in his face. We function better when slightly dizzy.

18.Don't ever thank us. We love this AND we get paid for it!

19.When a tech asks you whether you've installed any new software on this computer, lie. It's nobody's business what you've got on your computer.

“ON TRAIL W / DONKEY!”

Level 5

Since: Oct 08

Location hidden

#13366 Oct 8, 2013
20.If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 45 lbs. of computer sitting on top of them.

21.If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards work much better with half a pound of muffin crumbs, nail clippings, and big sticky drops of Coke under the keys.

22.When you get the message saying "Are you sure?" click on that "Yes" button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn'tbe doing it, would you?

23.Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". It never bothers us to hear our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.

24.When you need to change the toner cartridge, call tech support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a Master's degree in nuclear physics.

25.When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help esk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know jack sh*t about the problem.

26.When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as a high-priority mail attachment. We've got plenty of disk space and processor capacity on that mail server.

27.Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. God forbid somebody else might get a chance to squeeze into the print queue.

28.When you bump into a tech in the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We work 24 hours a day 7 days a week, even while at the grocery store on weekends.

29.If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on the weekends and do his projects on your office computer. We'll be there for you when his illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes your Access database flip out.

30.When you bring us your own no-brand home PC to repair for free at the office, tell us how urgently we need to fix it so your son can get back to playing DOOM. We'll get right on it because we have so much free time at the office. Everybody knows all we do is surf the Internet all day anyway.

“My Bad! Just hold me. ”

Level 9

Since: Aug 07

Orion's Belt

#13367 Oct 8, 2013
Ricky F wrote:
<quoted text>Special incentives work well for me so just keep on doing what you do and we're good! lol
You have no idea how good my incentives work well for you. But dare to dream. I can admit, I am not real good at much, but I am real real good at incentives.

“I looked, and behold,”

Level 8

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#13368 Oct 8, 2013
_Susan_ wrote:
<quoted text>
*waves*
Hey! Morning!

“Insert useless statement here.”

Level 5

Since: Feb 08

Location hidden

#13369 Oct 8, 2013
Good Afternoon Everyone! Hope all is well.

Susan, so glad your feeling better. You've gotta give me your remedy. I've had the flu for a little over 2 weeks now, I don't feel any better.

How long does this cwap last?

“Incorrupta fides, nudaque veri”

Level 9

Since: May 07

Vincit qui se vincit

#13370 Oct 8, 2013
Chris - PSL wrote:
Good Afternoon Everyone! Hope all is well.
Susan, so glad your feeling better. You've gotta give me your remedy. I've had the flu for a little over 2 weeks now, I don't feel any better.
How long does this cwap last?
Jack Daniels worked wonders for her!

“Incorrupta fides, nudaque veri”

Level 9

Since: May 07

Vincit qui se vincit

#13371 Oct 8, 2013
Sublime1 wrote:
<quoted text>
Hey! Morning!
Actually it's NOT morning, anymore anyways lol.

Hey Sublime!

“Incorrupta fides, nudaque veri”

Level 9

Since: May 07

Vincit qui se vincit

#13372 Oct 8, 2013
DC tells it like it is wrote:
<quoted text>
You have no idea how good my incentives work well for you. But dare to dream. I can admit, I am not real good at much, but I am real real good at incentives.
I'm guess that includes a wellness plan?

“Insert useless statement here.”

Level 5

Since: Feb 08

Location hidden

#13373 Oct 8, 2013
Ricky F wrote:
<quoted text>Jack Daniels worked wonders for her!
I better start drinking! My prescription for tamiflu didn't work. What a waste of moolah!

“Incorrupta fides, nudaque veri”

Level 9

Since: May 07

Vincit qui se vincit

#13374 Oct 8, 2013
Chris - PSL wrote:
<quoted text>I better start drinking! My prescription for tamiflu didn't work. What a waste of moolah!
That stuff is like drinking liquid gold!

Sorry you're sick, sounds like a lot of sick people lately.

“<3”

Level 9

Since: Jun 10

Black Rock City, NV

#13375 Oct 8, 2013
Ricky F wrote:
<quoted text>It's all fun and games till someone gets hurt. Yeah those can be very dangerous and people are always standing to close, but you have to remember they're mechanical and take a lot of abuse and the mechanics WILL break down at some point.
Yep. People love adventures. Especially you boys.

“Incorrupta fides, nudaque veri”

Level 9

Since: May 07

Vincit qui se vincit

#13376 Oct 8, 2013
-Persephone- wrote:
<quoted text>
Yep. People love adventures. Especially you boys.
Okay you got me there! lol

“I looked, and behold,”

Level 8

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#13377 Oct 8, 2013
Ricky F wrote:
<quoted text>Actually it's NOT morning, anymore anyways lol.
Hey Sublime!
What's up, bro?

“I looked, and behold,”

Level 8

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#13378 Oct 8, 2013
I am glad I had my flu shot about a month ago.

Level 9

Since: Jun 10

Location hidden

#13379 Oct 8, 2013
Ricky F wrote:
<quoted text>Pers said she started a bank account for me and already has a little money in it, it's in a bank far far away with a secret combination, bet you can't touch THAT!
How lucky that I just happen to have a skeleton key!

*opens account with skeleton key*

Arghhh!!!!!!!!!! There's only a nickel in the account.*Tosses a an old bus ticket in and an empty Starbucks card*

Here you go!

Level 9

Since: Jun 10

Location hidden

#13380 Oct 8, 2013
Good afternoon wonderful neighbors.

I'm going to have to get a flu shot next week.

“Making them cry”

Level 7

Since: Aug 11

Location hidden

#13381 Oct 8, 2013
Hello everyone!((HUGS))

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