Canadian humor

“I know where you are,”

Level 8

Since: Jun 08

Right here under my thumb

#1 May 14, 2013
Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please".

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?"

Jim agrees.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture"

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John "Hamburgers & Molsons beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.

...

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
Level 4

Since: May 13

Location hidden

#2 May 14, 2013
milwaukee69 wrote:
Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please".
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"
"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?"
Jim agrees.
"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture"
"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John "Hamburgers & Molsons beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."
"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.
...
"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
lol

“I know where you are,”

Level 8

Since: Jun 08

Right here under my thumb

#3 May 14, 2013
Jeb went into the fish market in St. John's to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring that lazy Newfie, so he decided to set a test for Jeb hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.

The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

Jeb says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.

The boss says, "What in the world is that?"

Jeb says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine."

"Fair enough" says the boss. "Second questions, same rules, but represent 99".

Jeb stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree.

"Der ya go m'bye," he says.

The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

Jeb answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree - dat be 99."

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire Jeb so he says, "All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100."

Jeb stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir - 100."

The boss looks at Jeb's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time." He then tells Jeb, "Go on, Jeb, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100."

Jeb leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty tree an' a turd, which makes 100. When do I start my job?"
Level 4

Since: Feb 13

Location hidden

#4 May 14, 2013
Eh?

“Tickle me Pink.”

Level 8

Since: Oct 08

Location hidden

#5 May 14, 2013

“*=* Always Thinking *=*”

Level 8

Since: Nov 12

Greensburg, IN

#6 May 15, 2013
M69 you've found your 'calling'.

Level 9

Since: Feb 12

Location hidden

#7 May 15, 2013
NotaGoth wrote:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v =8YRiu3CBhmYXX
That was very funny.

And I agree with HH.
The Paisan

Medford, NY

#8 May 15, 2013
A Canadian man was preparing for his funeral. He asked that the captain and assistant captains of the Toronto Maple Leafs be his paul bearers......because he is so used to them letting him down.

(I stole this joke from another joke thread and made it a Canadian joke....props to the originator)

“Fuhgedaboutit”

Level 1

Since: May 13

Location hidden

#9 May 15, 2013
Yo, why do they call it Canadian bacon? Do the pigs say 'oink, oink, Eh'?

“Wits...”

Level 9

Since: Apr 10

...Don't fail me now.

#10 May 15, 2013
Haven't you ever been cured?? It's ham that is safe to eat. ;) Oink away!

“I know where you are,”

Level 8

Since: Jun 08

Right here under my thumb

#11 May 15, 2013
What's got more liver spots than an old Canadian catcher's mitt?

You know....:o)

“Tickle me Pink.”

Level 8

Since: Oct 08

Location hidden

#12 May 15, 2013
Once upon a time, there were two friends, one was American and the other Canadian. The American friend once visited Canada a couple of years ago and came back to visit again. The Canadian asked the American if he remembered where the closest Tim Horton's store was (it sells coffee and donuts). The American answered:

"I donut remember."

“Maiden of Mayhem”

Since: May 08

OMFUG

#13 May 15, 2013
What do you call a Newfie in a tree?

BRANCH MANAGER!!

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