Conservative humor

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“I know where you are,”

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#1
May 14, 2013
 

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Q: Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, a Compassionate Conservative and a Ignorant Conservative are walking down the street. They see a $100 bill lying on the ground. Who gets it?

A: The Ignorant Conservative, naturally. The other three are fictional.

“I know where you are,”

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#2
May 14, 2013
 
Two conservatives walk into a bar, both go into the mens room and don't come out for 20 Minutes. You fill in the rest.
Ignorance is Bliss

Rochester, NY

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#3
May 14, 2013
 
"an ignorant"

“I know where you are,”

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#4
May 14, 2013
 
(Actual quote) John Stuart Mill

"Although it is not true that all conservatives are stupid, it is true that most stupid people are conservative."

“I know where you are,”

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#5
May 14, 2013
 
"The Ten Commandments - Republican-Style"

I. Thou shalt talk about Christian principles, but not live by them.

II. Thou shalt attack opponents personally when you can't win on policies.

III. Thou shalt call yourself pro-life, but be in favor of the death penalty.

IV. Thou shalt call yourself pro-life, and put guns in the hands of school children.

V. Thou shalt give lip service to democracy while taking away civil liberties.

VI. Profit is the Lord Thy God, thou shalt not put the people's interest above those of your corporate contributors.

VII. Thou shalt make sure fetuses have health coverage, but leave children and babies behind.

VIII. Thou shalt bear false witness against your opponents and liberals, and demonize them.

IX. Thou shalt run on a moderate platform, then enact right-wing policies as soon as possible.

X. Thou shalt call the media liberal, so that people forget that the media
is owned by corporations with a conservative fiscal agenda.

“I was a Grim Reaper”

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Since: Apr 07

But now I take antidepressants

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#6
May 14, 2013
 
How can you tell that a conservative is President?....No tells the IRS to investigate the opposition.
Liberals Suckpenis

Rochester, NY

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#7
May 14, 2013
 
President Obama again denied any knowledge of the Fast and the Furious, Benghazi, IRS targeting certain conservative groups and secretly gathering Associated Press editors' and employees' phone records. He did reiterate that it is all Rush Limbaugh's and Bush's fault. Then Diane Feinstein, Barbara Boxer and Chuck Schumer jumped into his lap and asked to push more gun control.

“"Always Thinking"”

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Since: Nov 12

Greensburg, IN

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#8
May 14, 2013
 
Since when did believing in God and having moral values make you pro-war, pro-rich, and pro-Republican? And since when did promoting and pursuing a progressive social agenda with a concern for economic security, health care, and educational opportunity mean you had to put faith in God aside?

While the Right in America has hijacked the language of faith to prop up its political agenda -- an agenda not all people of faith support -- the Left hasn't done much better, largely ignoring faith and continually separating moral discourse and personal ethics from public policy. While the Right argues that God's way is their way, the Left pursues an unrealistic separation of religious values from morally grounded political leadership. The consequence is a false choice between ideological religion and soulless politics.

Basically... the Left needs to embrace religion and start using it to convince people to forget about gays, and abortions and get back to the basic social justice policies that would bring respect back to America as a country. Maybe we could convince them to stop bombing people and going to war with other countries too... that would be nice.

“I know where you are,”

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#9
May 14, 2013
 

Judged:

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1

No tells the IRS to investigate the opposition?

It's not funny when you screw up the punchline.

“I know where you are,”

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#10
May 14, 2013
 
Dictionary of Republicanisms

abstinence-only sex education -(n.) Ignorance-only sex education.

alternative energy sources -(n.) New locations to drill for gas and oil.

bankruptcy -(n.) A punishable crime when committed by poor people but not corporations.

"burning bush" -(n.) A biblical allusion to the response of the President of the United States when asked a question by a journalist who has not
been paid to inquire.

Cheney, Dick -(n.) The greater of two evils.

China -(n.) See Wal-Mart.

class warfare -(n.) Any attempt to raise the minimum wage.

climate change -(n.) The blessed day when the blue states are swallowed by
the oceans.

compassionate conservatism -(n.) Poignant concern for the very wealthy.

creationism -(n.) Pseudoscience that claims George W. Bush's resemblance to a chimpanzee is totally coincidental.

DeLay, Tom -(n.) 1. Past tense of De Lie. 2. Patronage saint.

democracy -(n.) A product so extensively exported that the domestic supply
is depleted.

dittohead -(n.) An Oxy(contin)moro(n).

energy independence -(n.) The caribou witness relocation program.

extraordinary rendition -(n.) Outsourcing torture.

faith -(n.) The stubborn belief that God approves of Republican moral values despite the preponderance of textual evidence to the contrary.

Fox News -(fict.) Faux news.

free markets -(n.) Halliburton no-bid contracts at taxpayer expense.

girly men -(n.) Males who do not grope women inappropriately.

God -(n.) Senior presidential adviser.

growth -(n.) 1. The justification for tax cuts for the rich. 2. What happens to the national debt when Republicans cut taxes on the rich.

habeas corpus -(n.) Archaic.(Lat.) Legal term no longer in use (See Patriot Act).

healthy forest -(n.) No tree left behind.

homelandism -(n.) A neologism for love of the Homeland Security State, as in "My Homeland,'tis of thee, sweet security state of liberty...".

honesty -(n.) Lies told in simple declarative sentences--e.g., "Freedom is on the march."

House of Representatives -(n.) Exclusive club; entry fee $1 million to $5 million (See Senate).

laziness -(n.) When the poor are not working.

leisure time -(n.) When the wealthy are not working.

liberal(s)-(n.) Followers of the Antichrist.

Miller, Zell -(n.) The man who shot and killed Alexander Hamilton after a particularly tough interview on "Hardball."

neoconservatives -(n.) Nerds with Napoleonic complexes.

9/11 -(n.) Tragedy used to justify any administrative policy, especially if unrelated (See Deficit, Iraq War).

No Child Left Behind - riff. 1.(v.) There are always jobs in the military.
2.(n.) The rapture.

ownership society -(n.) A civilization where 1 percent of the population controls 90 percent of the wealth.

Patriot Act -(n.) 1. The pre-emptive strike on American freedoms to prevent the terrorists from destroying them first. 2. The elimination of one of the reasons why they hate us.

pro-life -(adj.) Valuing human life up until birth.

Senate -(n.) Exclusive club; entry fee $10 million to $30 millio(n).

simplify -(v.) To cut the taxes of Republican donors.

staying the course -(interj.) Slang. Saying and doing the same stupid thing over and over, regardless of the result.

stuff happens -(interj.) Slang. Donald Rumsfeld as master historia(n).

voter fraud -(n.) A significant minority turnout.

Wal-Mart -(n.) The nation-state, future tense.

water -(n.) Arsenic storage device.

woman -(n.) 1. Person who can be trusted to bear a child but can't be trusted to decide whether or not she wishes to have the child. 2. Person
who must have all decisions regarding her reproductive functions made by men with whom she wouldn't want to have sex in the first place.

“I was a Grim Reaper”

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Since: Apr 07

But now I take antidepressants

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#11
May 14, 2013
 
milwaukee69 wrote:
(Actual quote) John Stuart Mill
"Although it is not true that all conservatives are stupid, it is true that most stupid people are conservative."
He also said "To tax the larger incomes at a higher percentage than the smaller is to lay a tax on industry and economy; to impose a penalty on people for having worked harder and saved more than their neighbours. "

“I know where you are,”

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#12
May 14, 2013
 
The following exhibits have been assembled for the George W. Bush Presidential Library:

The Library will include:

The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.

The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you can't remember anything.

The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't have to even show up.

The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.

The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.

The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room (which no one has been able to find).

The Iraq War Room. After you complete your first tour, they make you to go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth tour.

The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shooting gallery and lie detector machine.

Plans also include: The K-Street Project Gift Shop - Where you can buy (or just steal) an election.

The Airport Men's Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators.

Last, but not least, there will be an entire floor devoted to a 7/8 scale model of the President's ego.

To highlight the President's accomplishments, the museum will have an electron microscope to help you locate them.

When asked, President Bush said that he didn't care so much about the individual exhibits as long as his museum was better than his father's.

“"Always Thinking"”

Level 8

Since: Nov 12

Greensburg, IN

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#13
May 14, 2013
 
Your really 'full-of-it' today.
So much knowledge in such a confined space.
It's called; "Big Headed!" or Pig

“I know where you are,”

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#14
May 14, 2013
 
"The Romney"

Two shots Goldschlager

Juice from a handful of sour grapes

Several dashes of bitters

Stir with a silver spoon

Drink only 47 percent of it

“I know where you are,”

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#15
May 14, 2013
 
"The Rules of Conservative Correctness"

1) If anyone disagrees with you, they are a "Democrat."

2) If anyone argues with you, they are a "Liberal."

3) If they argue with you and actually present data (formerly known as "debating"), shrug it off as "propaganda from the Liberal Media."

4) If you cannot rebut the argument pick on details such as misspellings, improper punctuation or taglines.

5) If your opponent has an unrefutable argument, change the subject.

6) If your opponent consistently overturns your "correct" stories (anything told by Rush Limbaugh), use ad hominem attacks.

7) Anyone who puts life over profits is a "tree hugger."

8) Anyone who refutes or debates "correct" science (Creationism, Ecological Stability) is a "sky-is-falling" reactionary.

9) Anyone who opposes the melding of religion and government is one of the "liberals" who helped create the rampant immorality today.

10) Any federal program created by a Democrat, or that "looks" Democratic is "socialistic."

11) Dismantling programs and restrictions on spending then sending the money to states as a "block grant" is better than having a standardized Federal program with rules.

12) Giving tax money to people is "enslaving them," giving tax money to corporations is "making jobs."

13) Anything that does not turn a profit for private corporations is "an elitist" operation.

14) Always take everything personally.

15) Whatever your weakness is, blame it on your opponent.

16) The more narrow and prejudiced your sources, the more you project that onto your opponent.

17) When your opponent attacks a Republican/conservative President's policies, blame them on a Democratic Congress (or vice versa).

18) When quoting your opponent, edit his words to conform to "correctness."

19) Anyone who reads anything beyond "the Limbaugh Letter" is an "ivory tower intellectual."

20) When all else fails, lie.

“I know where you are,”

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#16
May 14, 2013
 
"21 Rules For Being A Good Republican"

1) You have to believe that the nation's 8-year unprecedented prosperity was due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but that today's gas prices are all Obama's fault.

2) You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.

3) You have to be against government programs, but expect your Social Security checks on time.

4) You have to believe that government should stay out of people's lives, yet you want government to regulate only opposite-gender marriages, what a woman does with her uterus, and what your official language should be.

5) You have to believe that pollution is OK so long as it makes a profit.

6) You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha or the Goddess.

7) You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.

8) You have to believe that a woman cannot be trusted with decisions about her own body, but that large multi-national corporations should have no regulation or interference whatsoever.

9) You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and, by the way, Jesus shares your hatred of AIDS victims, homosexuals, and Bill and Hillary Clinton.

10) You have to believe that society is color-blind and growing up black in America doesn't diminish your opportunities, but you wouldn't vote for a black candidate for president.

11) You have to believe that it was great to allow Ken Starr to spend $90 million dollars to attack Clinton because no other U.S. presidents have been
unfaithful to their wives.

12) You have to believe that a waiting period for purchasing a handgun is bad because quick access to a new firearm is an important concern for all
Americans.

13) You have to believe it is wise to keep condoms out of schools, because we all know if teenagers don't have condoms they won't have sex.

14) You have to believe that the ACLU is bad because they defend the Constitution, while the NRA is good because they defend the Constitution.

15) You have to believe that socialism hasn't worked anywhere, and that Europe doesn't exist.

16) You have to believe the AIDS virus is not important enough to deserve federal funding proportionate to the resulting death rate and that the public doesn't need to be educated about it, because if we ignore it, it will go away.

17) You have to believe that biology teachers are corrupting the morals of 6th graders if they teach them the basics of human sexuality, but the Bible,
which is full of sex and violence, is good reading.

18) You have to believe that Chinese communist missiles have killed more Americans than handguns, alcohol, and tobacco.

19) You have to believe that even though governments have supported the arts for 5000 years and that most of the great works of Renaissance art were paid for by governments, our government should shun any such support. After all, the rich can afford to buy their own and the poor don't need any.

20) You have to believe that the lumber from the last one percent of old growth U.S. forests is well worth the destruction of those forests and the
extinction of the several species of plants and animals in them because it allows logging companies to add to their profit margin.

21) You have to believe that we should forgive and pray for Newt Gingrich, Henry Hyde, and Bob Livingston for their marital infidelities, but that
bastard Clinton should have been impeached.

“I know where you are,”

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#17
May 14, 2013
 
A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A REPUBLICAN
By John Gray

Joe gets up at 6:00am to prepare his morning coffee. He fills his pot full of good clean drinking water because some liberal fought for
minimum water quality standards.

He takes his daily medication with his first swallow of coffee. His medications are safe to take because some liberal fought to insure
their safety and work as advertised.

All but $10.00 of his medications are paid for by his employers medical plan because some liberal union workers fought their employers for paid medical insurance, now Joe gets it too. He prepares
his morning breakfast, bacon and eggs this day. Joe's bacon is safe to eat because some liberal fought for laws to regulate the meat packing
industry.

Joe takes his morning shower reaching for his shampoo; his bottle is properly labeled with every ingredient and the amount of its contents because some liberal fought for his right to know what he was putting on his body and how much it contained. Joe dresses, walks outside and takes a deep breath. The air he breathes is clean because some tree-hugging liberal fought for laws to stop industries from polluting our air.

He walks to the subway station for his government subsidized ride to work; it saves him considerable money in parking and transportation fees. You see, some liberal fought for affordable public
transportation, which gives everyone the opportunity to be a contributor.

Joe begins his work day; he has a good job with excellent pay, medicals benefits, retirement, paid holidays and vacation because some liberal union members fought and died for these working standards. Joe's employer pays these standards because Joe's employer doesn't want his employees to call the union.

If Joe is hurt on the job or becomes unemployed he'll get a worker compensation or unemployment check because some liberal didn't think he should lose his home because of his temporary misfortune.

It's noon time, Joe needs to make a Bank Deposit so he can pay some bills. Joe's deposit is federally insured by the FSLIC because some
liberal wanted to protect Joe's money from unscrupulous bankers who ruined the banking system before the depression.

Joe has to pay his Fannie Mae underwritten Mortgage and his below market federal student loan because some stupid liberal decided that Joe and the government would be better off if he was educated and earned more money over his lifetime.

Joe is home from work, he plans to visit his father this evening at his farm home in the country. He gets in his car for the drive to
dad's; his car is among the safest in the world because some liberal fought for car safety standards.

He arrives at his boyhood home. He was the third generation to live in the house financed by Farmers Home Administration because bankers
didn't want to make rural loans. The house didn't have electric until some big government liberal stuck his nose where it didn't belong and
demanded rural electrification.(Those rural Republicans would still be sitting in the dark)

He is happy to see his dad who is now retired. His dad lives on Social Security and his union pension because some liberal made sure he could
take care of himself so Joe wouldn't have to. After his visit with dad he gets back in his car for the ride home.

He turns on a radio talk show, the host keeps saying that liberals are bad and conservatives are good (He doesn't tell Joe that his beloved Republicans have fought against every protection and benefit Joe enjoys throughout his day). Joe agrees, "We don't need those big government liberals ruining our lives; after all, I'm a self-made man who believes everyone should take care of themselves, just like I have."

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